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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Which way to turn??? Any advice appreciated

58 replies

mrsfleming32 · 21/01/2016 09:17

Hi everyone
I don't post on here very often but this morning I am in a real pickle and would really appreciate any words of advice from anyone who has been in the same or similar situation.
OH and I have been together over 4 years. We both live in a flat with my DD who is nearly 8, the flat is in my name and he gives me money every month.
He earns an awful lot more than me but sometimes he can be so mean and tight. My divorce is going through this month and his has come to a grinding halt due to his ex saving up to take their kids on a massive holiday this year - I don't think she has any intention of letting the marital house go.
Basically I'm starting to feel like a convenience for him. I don't doubt his feelings for me at all, but he spends every spare minute he has visiting his kids. I feel disgusting for feeling resentful, but if he's not at work (he works three long days and has two weekdays and weekends off) he is over at the other house. His kids are nearly 15 and 18. Last night he announced that he is spending the whole weekend there this weekend, because they asked him to.
Again I'd like to stress that I feel disgusting for feeling so resentful. He refuses to even entertain the thought of buying a house with me, and is obsessed with getting the marital house back, which is about 15 miles away in a different area. Am I wasting my time? I'm 41 and I need to put down some roots, he is 46. I would love to hear from anyone, please.

OP posts:

Vaginaaa · 21/01/2016 21:41

Is he actually even with his children? Would be an easy excuse if he was seeing someone else.

HandyWoman · 21/01/2016 21:58

That's what I'm thinking Vag I find it hard to believe that dc of age 15 and 18 would want to spend the whole weekend there necessitating an over night stay when there is a new dp and a baby..... Is he going somewhere else???

LineyReborn · 21/01/2016 22:02

It does sound crazy, doesn't it?

Original poster

mrsfleming32 · 22/01/2016 07:02

Update - for some reason or another the baby's dad can't/ won't come to look after her tomorrow night, and another night to follow, the date of which I'm unsure. So ex has asked him to watch all kids while she is at work, including the one that isn't his.
Told him I wasn't happy about it - I can see it becoming a regular thing as the baby's dad slowly disappears off the scene.
Very frosty this morning. He doesn't see anything wrong.,

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 22/01/2016 07:09

Eh? He's going over to stay at his ex's house for the whole weekend to babysit her baby by another man. One of his own kids won't even be there? How very odd

I'd say he's getting back or is back with his wife.

By "going through a lot to be together" I assume you mean you were the OW?

Original poster

mrsfleming32 · 22/01/2016 07:27

People can assume what they like. Would it make a difference??? Incidentally I wasn't, and I don't see why that matters.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 22/01/2016 07:33

Well yes it would make a difference because it would show he has form.

And I assumed because several people asked what you meant about "going through a lot" and you pointedly didn't answer. So I assumed. Sorry.

Either way I'd say he's getting back with his wife. I mean, why does he have to stay there? Even if he's seeing the kids in the daytime, surely he could come home at night? I don't think the divorce stalling is due to a holiday.

Original poster

mrsfleming32 · 22/01/2016 07:45

I really don't know.
He also is completely unable to have a rational discussion without reverting to the age of ten and running off. He was packed off to boarding school aged ten and then told he was joining the raf - he's never had a "real" relationship, his ex trapped him with pregnancy and they he spent the marriage discovering loans she took in his name and money missing all the time

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 22/01/2016 07:57

It really sounds like you believe that none of the difficulties he encounters in life have got anything to do with him. He's treating you really shabbily and you're making excuses for him OP.

Catpants123 · 22/01/2016 08:28

Well he's obviously not bothered any more that his exw 'trapped him with pregnancy' if he is willing to spend all his time with his dc and babysit a child that's not even his .

hellsbellsmelons · 22/01/2016 08:46

Wow - if my ex wanted me to look after a child he'd had with another woman I know what I'd be saying and it wouldn't be nice.
He's a chump.

Original poster

mrsfleming32 · 22/01/2016 08:47

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 22/01/2016 10:16

his ex trapped him with pregnancy

Uh huh. Both times?

He sounds like a twat. Find your self respect and say he can live at his exwife's full-time.

mintoil · 22/01/2016 10:29

Bloody hell OP.

I mean this kindly so please don't take offence - is there a reason why your self esteem is so appallingly low you would accept this shite behaviour? Did your parents treat you poorly? Previous partners?

You nailed it yourself when you said he treats you as a convenience. He isn't getting divorced. He wants to be back with his wife and live in that house with her and his DC.

I would stop thinking about him/her and their fucked up set up. Shift the focus to yourself and what you want out of life and why you are stuck with someone who has no interest in meeting your needs.

Original poster

mrsfleming32 · 22/01/2016 10:34

Thankyou for all your sound advice, ladies. It seems I have some tough decisions to make. I'm wondering now are all my friends thinking the same? They're certainly not saying

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 22/01/2016 10:39

Something is going on you are not privy to and now you know he is babysitting her child!

This relationship wouldn't sit well with me. Have some self respect, he is crossing boundaries that you aren't comfortable with, the more he crosses them the unhappier you will become.

If you don't treat yourself with respect he sure as hell won't

Original poster

mrsfleming32 · 22/01/2016 10:54

Do I just chuck away 4 years though?

OP posts:

Vaginaaa · 22/01/2016 10:55

Nah. Might as well stay for the rest of your life so those four years were worth it

mintoil · 22/01/2016 10:56

Sunk Cost Fallacy

BitOutOfPractice · 22/01/2016 10:56

Well if you carry on you'll be wasting even more time won't you?

Google the sunk costs fallacy.

There needs to be a very frank conversation doesn't there?

hellsbellsmelons · 22/01/2016 10:56

Better than chucking away 10 - surely!!???
And don't think of it as 'chucking away'.
You are no longer going to put up with shitty behaviour because you are worth more and you don't have to put up with it.
YOU are going to find yourself someone actually WORTH investing in rather than keep flogging this dead horse.
It's hardly rocket science!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/01/2016 11:17

This whole idea of "throwing relationships away" is a nonsense and would suggest you read about the sunken costs fallacy when it comes to relationships. It basically causes people to keep making poor relationship decisions.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships here, what is she learning from the two of you?.

Cabrinha · 22/01/2016 12:13

The relevance of OW status is that it makes it far more likely that his ex (well, his WIFE - 4 years and still married) would want to "win" him back.

You say he's not with her because she's with someone else now... except she's not, is she? She had a baby with another loser, by the sounds of it.

I would put crisp purple notes on him currently having sex with his WIFE, you know.

pilates · 22/01/2016 12:46

^
Agree with Cabrinha

FinallyHere · 22/01/2016 13:56

What they say ^

Oh dear.

If your friend, or daughter, came to you with this story, what would you suggest?

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