Who is unreasonable? DH or me regarding noise

[Effiewhaursmabaffies]

Well tonight, I came back from my weekly Yoga class again to an unemptied dishwasher and dirty dishes all over the place. I unloaded and tidied up while dh was upstairs on the ipad after putting kids to bed. In the past I have been careful to put things away really quietly but this time I just made the normal amount of noise. So instead of coming downstairs and asying thank you, I got complaints about the amount of noise I made. And it wasnt just dishes, i had to put hid magnum lollystick in the bin. We had a row and now he has gone off in the huff to read a book upstairs. To put things in context, he goes swimming another night and never has to come home and clean up. So AIBU? Or do I apologise?

[Offred]

No drama.

[Twinklestein]

I'm sorry I can't take the hairsplitting about a normal noise level seriously.

It's reasonable to expect that the person at home is responsible for the stuff that needs doing. Not the person who isn't there.

[Offred]

I wouldn't tolerate the PA. whether noise is within 'normal' levels or not. PA behaviour would make me annoyed.

[Twinklestein]

The issue here though is not how you feel about PA behaviour, but a husband who feels entitled to prioritise screen time over adult responsibilities. You could argue that that is PA more convincingly.

[Offred]

I don't think that's the issue on the basis of just this one thing though.

He wasn't just doing nothing. She was out doing yoga and he did all the putting of kids to bed then sat down and relaxed.

I don't think it is clear who 'should' do the dishes when one partner is out. It's something couples usually agree between themselves; that the dishes get done by the person who is out so that they are doing some of the day's work or that the dishes get done by the person who is home so that the person who is out gets proper time off. Neither thing is right or wrong, it depends on how the people in the couple feel.

I wouldn't jump to saying that he was avoiding his responsibilities because it's not clearly his responsibility unless it's been talked about.

I think they are both being rather silly here TBH.

[gleam]

HIBMassivelyU.

You made a normal amount of noise. In my house the cat runs out of the kitchen if I put the plates away. It is noisy and I'm not trying to piss off the cat.

As you cooked, he should have dishwashed.

When he goes out to exercise, you do everything else. So should he.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Interesting. Do other people DH do the dishes as routine then, even after working all day?

Yes, of course! They live at home too, they eat off those dishes, why the hell should they not clean them up afterwards? that some people allow their husbands to do nothing just because they work all day. Looking after children at home is work too.

I cook most nights because I get home first, but DP washes up afterwards. He also does other stuff after work too - sorts the cat litter, runs the hoover around, makes the beds. I do some too, of course, but he's not exempt because he gets home after me!

[TwistInMySobriety]

Maybe he was going to do it when he came downstairs. Having half an hour's sitdown after tea, bath and bed is hardly the crime of the century.

[Twinklestein]

Offred it was stated very clearly in the OP, that when DH goes swimming he never has to clean up when he gets home. She later said that when he goes out she takes the children to bed and tidies up and she expects the same from him.

So that's the pattern in this household. Except he didn't do it. Why a grown man would be confused by his responsibilities here is not clear.

OP even did the cooking before she went out so all he actually did was put the kids to bed.

[Offred]

But it isn't the pattern because it sounds like he doesn't clean up when he is home and that's why she's annoyed.

I just think both of them are being stupid.

In reality she is trying to indirectly communicate her expectations and it seems so is he.

If the op had posted that her h had been out and came home making more noise than usual because he was annoyed that she hadn't done the level of housework he expected her too I suspect you'd answer differently.

I don't think this needs to be a massive issue. It could just be easily sorted by having a conversation. It could have been sorted ages ago by having a conversation before the op started feeling martyred.

[Throwingshade]

So he didn't empty the dishwasher and you slammed about because you were annoyed? It's really not something you need to post about for opinions unless there is way more of a back story and other issues?

[AFootInBothCamps]

Hermione..I don't allow him to do nothing, but after four years or annoyances three times a week I guess I have just given up! He does do them occasionally. I have two in school and a home ed child and he hasn't even asked to see what I teach him. I do all the school/HE stuff, the house stuff then go to work. He works but is quite high up so it is stressful!with an hours commute. He does love the kids and he makes sure they shower the nights I work and he has them on one weekend day when I work (he plays golf the other day. This used to annoy me but again, now me and the kids have our little routine so I let it go now) anyway, what I mean is it was just about the dishes, that it is unbalanced. And I can fix that by doing them before I go to work so I don't go home dreading a sink of dishes! Otherwise we are fine. :) it was just interesting to read how other families do things.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

It is symptomatic of other issues - that when he goes out, she feeds the kids, puts them to bed and tidies up so he comes home to a clean house. But when she goes out, she still feeds the kids and tidies up, and all he does is put them to bed and fanny around on the iPad.

If he was intending to do the dishes after a rest (which is fine), then he should have come down and told her that. Not let her get on with in and get annoyed because she was annoyed she came home to a mess everywhere. It barely takes five minutes to put dishes in a dishwasher and give the kitchen a wipe down.

[gleam]

Am I reading the same op as some of you.?

She didn't make excessive noise, just the normal amount of noise.

[TwistInMySobriety]

If my spouse came home and started pass-agg making more noise than usual doing a mundane task I'd have done myself if left to my own devices I'd let them get on with it. Why not just go up stairs and ask him when he's going to do with it?

If we're splitting hairs, she cooked tea, he administered it.

[Twinklestein]

Can people please RTFT: she said she made a normal amount of noise.

[HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime]

Can people please RTFT: she said she made a normal amount of noise.

She actually says she normally does it quietly, but this time did it with 'normal' amount of noise.

[Twinklestein]

But it isn't the pattern because it sounds like he doesn't clean up when he is home and that's why she's annoyed

It is the pattern: it's just that he can't be arsed with it and prioritises playing on his ipad.

Why some women think men so prone to 'confusion' about housework I will never know.

[Twinklestein]

Exactly - a normal amount of noise and we have no idea if he even noticed that she was making a different level of noise than usual. Because he's normally reading the kids a story or they're being noisy. This time he was on is ipad so he would have been more likely to hear the sounds from the kitchen.

[annandale]

It does sound a bit as if the arrangement of who does what is in your head more than his.

That doesn't necessarily mean that either of you is or isn't BU.

If i am feeling knackered after bedtime i might easily decide to stop and MN rather than do the dishwasher. It's not a restaurant, it's my home and i refuse to fetishise having a spotless kitchen in the morning. But i do have friends who insist on wasting childfree time on housework can't bear to come down to unfinished work.

Have a chat about how your lives are going and priorities.

[crazyhead]

I'm with offred. He did bed, you did cooking - talk about the dishes part, talk about the noise part with your DH. Without masses of context on both of your contributions to shared life I don't think you can draw another conclusion. Not that I don't get in strops, but that's what I'd be telling myself.

[Offred]

I don't think this is anything to do with a man being confused about housework. It's one person having an expectation (that the kitchen will be clean when they come home from yoga) that they haven't discussed with their partner.

It's a really small issue in itself. You might say people don't usually post about things like this unless they are the tip of the iceberg but I asked that question at 8.47 this morning and there's been no response.

I'm not prepared to read into it 'lazy man not doing his share' and either way resorting to PA behaviour usually inflames things rather than sorts them out.

[Offred]

Passive aggressive behaviour is about your intentions not what you actually do. Her intention was to make more noise than usual because she was irritated he hadn't done the dishes. It's irrelevant that what she was doing was simply not doing it quietly and making a normal amount of noise. She decided to do it differently because she was annoyed at him.

[Twinklestein]

You seem to think this man is confused as to what's expected of him, in spite of an established pattern. Why is he more prone to confusion on the matter than his wife? You assume with no evidence that this has never been discussed.

If you want to hijack a thread to talk about you issues with passive-aggression, why not just start your own?

You would have a stronger case for arguing that DH's behaviour is PA in this instance.

[Offred]

No, I don't.

I'm basing it on what the op has said.

She said she expects it from him and perhaps she hasn't made it clear.

It's not about 'my issues' with PA behaviour. It's simply that you keep saying it isn't PA behaviour because it was a normal amount of noise.

I just do not understand why this needs to be a huge issue based only on what has been said or why it is even remotely fair for you to conclude that he is being lazy and PA based on the same vague info but it is only me who is reading into things.