Somebody please either tell me to get a grip or give me advice

[CorleoneGang]

My husband is obsessed with buying a house, he is constantly on right move looking at property and talking about houses. I couldn't give a damn either way.

So a couple of months ago we where approved for a mortgage. A house in the caul-de-sac where we live had come up for sale, fantastic, we were getting it cheap and it was ideal as I have lived in this caul-de-sac for years and really don't want to leave. We currently rent from the council.

Anyway the sale fell through, without going into detail something happened which meant the owners had to stay in the property for another 6-12 months, it will eventually come onto the market again but it's going to take up to a year. DH said there was no way he was waiting, despite it being an absolute bargain with not much upheaval

So it's back to right move. He finds a house a few miles from where we live which admittedly is lovely (and I was initially taken with it but 1) it's more expensive 2) it's smaller 3) we will have to buy another car as its in the middle of nowhere and we both work in different towns. Anyway at the time, in my mind it was either "buy this house or end up in a bigger town near where we live now which is as rough as a badgers arse"

So we made an offer. It was accepted. Nothing has been signed yet or anything like that as we have only just got the valuation reports back.

DH has started packing stuff. Today was my day off work and he told me to start packing too, and as I got the boxes out I just started crying and pretty much haven't stopped all day. I feel devastated to be leaving where I live, truly upset at the thought, when I told DH he basically said "tough, it's done now"

I know I sound sad but I'm really fucking upset, it's hit me that I'll be moving from the street I love and won't live here any more, a place where all my neighbours are lovely, the sort of place you can leave your door unlocked and not have to worry, the sense of community. I am so bloody upset.

But DH is having none of it, it's his dream to own property and he wants to own it NOW, not in a few months down the line, NOW.

I actually don't know what to do with myself, I feel silly but at the same time I feel like saying "fuck off with ya property"

Is this actually normal? Do I need to get a grip?

Its a wee bit early to start packing, but starting on the decluttering is a very good thing to do. You will LOVE your own house, it will be great. You can always come back to visit your neighbours. Try going out for a good walk in the fresh air tomorrow and get some perspective. You'll feel much better. Change the subject and do something totally different, if you're feeling upset still tonight, no point in wallowing in your misery, which it sounds like you are doing, you hurt no one but yourself. It's ok to mourn the loss of your familiar surroundings, but think of all the really exciting things to come.

It is more expensive, smaller, in the middle of no where and means you incur more costs with a second car & all the extra that goes with it.

Have a sit down and proper chat with your H.

Nothing has been signed.

Can your H afford the mortgage without you?

It is not a done deal. Yet.

Sort it out now in case it really affects your relationship!

I think my issue is I have moved so many times in my life as a child (every couple of years) and when I left home and got this house I was finally settled, have lived here 10 years, it feels like home, not just the house but the street. And we could have stayed here, but DH is so desperate to own a house he won't wait.

Magoria - I think it is going to cause a lot of resentment to be honest, as well as higher living costs.

Where we live now is a 2 minute walk from our kids school and close to DH work. Once we move we will have a 5 mile each way journey to take kids to school and back, DH will have 5 miles journey to work and back each way (not much but we will notice the difference in paying for petrol) it also adds 5 miles to my work making me now 14 miles from work instead of 9.

How certain are you that you can get the neighbours' house? Perhaps DH thinks it's going to fall through again.

That said, I don't like the way he's talking to you.

I agree with magoria - you need to have a calm talk with your H about this. Consider listing all the pros and cons so that you can present them calmly and you have them straight in your own mind. Emphasise the practical issues rather than the emotional ones, which he may not feel as strongly about as you do - but some of what you've said should definitely be considered. Also stress that it's not moving itself that you are against and that you appreciate where he's coming from and that you'll happily revert to the original plan in a few months' time or earlier if something suitable comes onto the market (thereby not depriving him of his Right Move searches ...)

I don't have anyone to consider other than DD but we almost moved a few years ago - I was never 100% about it but thought that we needed somewhere bigger. At the eleventh hour the buyers lowered their price and the estate agent expected me to haggle - in fact it was a relief and we didn't move - I have never regretted it.

You don't want to move and you have good reasons not to. Sounds like you went along for an easy life but now reality has hit hard.
Have you signed anything?

I think that if you are this upset about it, and he's not listening to you, then you have bigger issues than the house move

I think the reasons you have for wanting to stay around like good ones, especially being in a supportive community and close to the school.

If nothing is signed, don't sign until you have been properly listened to. Buying a house is a big commitment. If you are not sure you want to do it, don't be pressured into this.

(around= sound)

Nothing has been signed other than permission for our solicitors to do the searches on the property. The "sold" sign has gone up on the property however we have not signed the deeds and the money has not been released yet.

I am speaking to him via text as he is at work, he's saying I need to forget about the other house as that is in the past now, that we will regret it if we don't buy this house, and thay now I'm telling him how I really feel I have "fucked him over"

You have excellent reasons for staying put. Does your DH often override your opinions? If you've genuinely been crying all day at the thought of moving how can he ignore you if he actually cares?

If this reflects how he is usually then it is concerning that he plans to isolate you from a support network of neighbours and friends. Will the second car definitely be bought?

If you have any doubts about your relationship giving up a council property to buy one with your DH would be crazy.

I'm sympathetic to your husband, because you did say yes (and it sounds like it was an enthusiastic yes at first) and he's obviously really excited. (and naïve if he's packing already )

But at the end of the day, if you're not happy you have to tell him it's a no.

Tbh, even without the comment about liking your neighbours I don't see what this purchase has going for it. Especially for the kids being moved so far from school and presumably existing friends.

If you rent from the council and have been there ten years do you not have right to buy?

You do have bigger problems.

I get he may be frustrated but he isn't listening to you he is just being nasty and abusive.

Could you afford to run both houses? You don't have to go with him until you're ready and there are married folks in seperate houses.

Can you do a list of for and against?

For:

It's a lovely house
It will be great to own your own house
It's in a nice area (is it? Nicer than the town you mention, anyway)
Still close to both your workplaces
No guarantee that you will ever be able to buy in your current road
H will be mega cross with you if you change your mind
Never aspiring for anything better than your current lot because you are scared of change can hold you back from all sorts of good things for you and your children

Against:

Children can't walk to school (could be a big problem for them with seeing friends etc)
Moving away from good friends and neighbours (though will probably make new friends with new neighbours?)
Need for second car (not necessarily a bad thing unless you can't afford it)
Middle of nowhere (I would hate this, potentially socially isolating)
You are scared of change

It's possible that this particular house isn't the right one. The choice isn't between this house or stay put. It could be that you need to keep looking until you find a better compromise between what you both want.

I guessing he needs your salary to get the mortgage and then your income to pay the mortgage each month. If you don't want to move forward don't be coerced into anything. Moving has to be a joint decision.

Think long and hard about your next step because it might have a big impact on all your lives.

I've asked to buy this house 4 times now but have been told I don't have the right, I asked one final time (this week) and they told me when new laws come in I could probably buy it, but DH won't wait for that and says he is sick of this house (it's got damp also) our house isn't in great condition but when we got the valuation on the other house in our street it came back perfect. The valuation on this one DH is set on came with a few advisories (we had to pay for a damp specialist to go in as they suspected damp but there was none)

I just feel really sad about leaving the neighbourhood. I remember the day we got married all our neighbours came out to wish us luck and put a banner on our house saying congratulations for when we got back. The scenery around us is amazing, the scenery at the new house is absolutely nothing, just rows of terraces. I'm just so upset

I feel sorry for your DH. He has his dream, you agreed to it and now you're changing your mind. That going be hard for him but shit happens, he needs to know that this isn't the right house for you as the location is wrong. Also if you don't want to buy then you need to tell him, or is you want to wait for the neighbours house then tell him.

No way I'd rent and not buy. im with your DH on the logic of buying ASAP.

You haven't "fucked him over", that's horribly emotive language. I do hope that he doesn't often talk to you like this.

You have many valid reasons for wanting to stay - good neighbours, good environment, close to school, sense of permanency etc. These should be listened to. It sounds as if he is not respecting your right to an opinion.

Please do be careful! And don't sign anything.

I don't want to be one of those posters who labels every man as abusive, but I'm worried that you are being railroaded here, and could end up feeling dangerously isolated.

Would you be happy to stay in the house on your own with the children? (I'm not saying you should, just wondering if it was a question that might help you think about how you feel, and what would be best fit the children? )

What laws are coming in that will make you "probably" be able to buy it?
Surely regulations and guidelines will become tougher not easier in current economic / housing situation?

If you will be able to buy it, if it is with a subsidy and few restrictions on selling on (I'm not sure how that works) you'd be crazy not to sit tight and do that. Your husband ought to be able to see that.

You have to talk to him, and if he doesn't listen then you have a relationship problem. But I think you really do have to be sympathetic to his disappointment and anger.

There is no guarantee the house on your road will go back on the market, or if it does that you would get it.

I think you need to consider staying put but also looking for a house, just not this one.

(I do feel a bit sorry for your dh too - I understand the frustration of wanting to have the (possibly imagined) security of owning, and of living in a house that needs a lot of work - but your views are important! !!)

Sounds like he's dead set on buying this new house come hell or high water. I think you have sound financial and practical reasons for waiting. He's got the blinkers on and you're too closely involved to make him see sense. Is there anyone else that could make him see it? Someone (close pal/workmate/FIL/Uncle) or whoever, who he would actually stop and listen to? He'd probably make it seem like it's all his idea but who cares if it's the right result. I'm also not loving the way he's speaking to you about it.

Don't move if you don't want to. He doesn't get to choose where you live. It should be a joint decision.

He doesn't sound that nice actually.