Somebody please either tell me to get a grip or give me advice

[CorleoneGang]

My husband is obsessed with buying a house, he is constantly on right move looking at property and talking about houses. I couldn't give a damn either way.

So a couple of months ago we where approved for a mortgage. A house in the caul-de-sac where we live had come up for sale, fantastic, we were getting it cheap and it was ideal as I have lived in this caul-de-sac for years and really don't want to leave. We currently rent from the council.

Anyway the sale fell through, without going into detail something happened which meant the owners had to stay in the property for another 6-12 months, it will eventually come onto the market again but it's going to take up to a year. DH said there was no way he was waiting, despite it being an absolute bargain with not much upheaval

So it's back to right move. He finds a house a few miles from where we live which admittedly is lovely (and I was initially taken with it but 1) it's more expensive 2) it's smaller 3) we will have to buy another car as its in the middle of nowhere and we both work in different towns. Anyway at the time, in my mind it was either "buy this house or end up in a bigger town near where we live now which is as rough as a badgers arse"

So we made an offer. It was accepted. Nothing has been signed yet or anything like that as we have only just got the valuation reports back.

DH has started packing stuff. Today was my day off work and he told me to start packing too, and as I got the boxes out I just started crying and pretty much haven't stopped all day. I feel devastated to be leaving where I live, truly upset at the thought, when I told DH he basically said "tough, it's done now"

I know I sound sad but I'm really fucking upset, it's hit me that I'll be moving from the street I love and won't live here any more, a place where all my neighbours are lovely, the sort of place you can leave your door unlocked and not have to worry, the sense of community. I am so bloody upset.

But DH is having none of it, it's his dream to own property and he wants to own it NOW, not in a few months down the line, NOW.

I actually don't know what to do with myself, I feel silly but at the same time I feel like saying "fuck off with ya property"

Is this actually normal? Do I need to get a grip?

I think you're unreasonable not to want to leave your street. Hardly anyone manages to buy on their doorstep. And your dh is right in his ambition to own rather than rent. I think you are being unfair to him 'not to give a damn' about his dream.

But the house he's found - and you agreed to - has a number of disadvantages. Could you not find one that is closer to your dcs' school and both your jobs? Perhaps if you joined him in his on-line search, instead of taking a negative attitude about the search itself, you could steer him in a better direction.

I'm not surprised he's annoyed. He thought it was a done deal, you've employed a solicitor, and now you're back to not wanting to leave 'the street that I love', which is, frankly, unrealistic.

There needs to be a lot of talking. If he has to give up his dream of owning this particular house, that's his compromise. What are you prepared to give up? I think you'll have to agree not to wait for a house which might not come on to the market or, as pp has said, you might be outbid for if it did. And not opt out but play an active part in looking for somewhere else.

Your neighbours doing the banner for you getting married sounds very sweet. You can't buy that. I love the street I live on and would be very sad to leave it. The house I was moving to would have to be really special to persuade me to move.

There is nothing wrong with renting owning is not everything. Renting in the right location is much better imo than buying in the wrong one.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of buying vs renting he is totally steam rolling you into this. I bet if you said go ahead and buy but do it alone he would. It sounds like owning a house is more important to him than you are.

I don't want to go into detail but the house on our street was a done deal, the house wasn't even on the market it was empty while the seller sorted out their new house, we approached the owner and they where more than happy to sell it to us because they know us and wanted the house to go to us.

Then something happened at the owners other property, and as a temporary thing they had to move back into our street and asked if we would be willing to wait while major repairs where carried out on the other property. DH wasn't willing to wait. The owners other property will not sell now so they really have no choice but to go back to it once it's sorted, it will not sell. Plus, the owner doesn't want to live here, they want to live in the city where their other house is.

As for being outbid if it goes on the market, when houses come up for sale on our road they are up for years, apart from me it seems nobody wants to live here! There's one house that has been for sale for 7 years, the only reason we can't buy it is because it's being rented at the minute.

I haven't slept much last night.

Can you put a note through your neighbours' doors to see if anyone might be interested in selling?

Hmm what is to stop you exchanging on the nearby house with a view to completing when the other house is repaired? Say 6 months?

The main issue was, our mortgage was only valid for 6 months, once the 6 months was up we would have to reapply. DH does not want to reapply, he wants to use it while it's there as its a "hassle" to apply again.

The sellers from the first house where lovely and reimbursed is for all the costs we had paid (£420) and even gave us a bit extra and told us to buy the kids a treat. THIS is the sort of neighbours we have. Our kids have grown up here and I know when they go out to play they are fine because we all look out for each other's kids.

I'm so frustrated with DH, to the point where I feel that his impatience and his obsession with ownership will be the end of our marriage. And I know he is frustrated with me, but he would live anywhere, he doesn't care just as long as he owns

He says it's not impatient because he's waited YEARS to buy a house, it is his ultimate life goal, and while he has the deposit in the bank and a mortgage approval he is not waiting any longer

I can see it points of view here, I live in a place like you describe, that community is priceless.
But he's right he's waiting ages, finally got everything in place, you say yes, and then you change your mind. Which I'm sorry but doesn't seem air. This obviously means a lot to him, which I'm assuming you knew.
You needed to have said no months ago if this is how you feel.
But having said that He really needs to listen to you now, I'm sure he doesn't want you to be desperately unhappy (if he doesn't care you have bigger problems than a house) but you need to be willing to compromise too.
My only advice is talk talk talk and hope you can find a compromise in there somewhere.

I wouldn't want to buy a house on a street where another house hadn't sold for SEVEN years - without a good reason? Are they totally unrealistic about price?

You need to be absolutely clear about right to buy before you act - financially you'd be a fool to lose the place you have if you can buy it soon. But I'm doubtful the law you mentioned would change in your favour.

But given the house you want is a private arrangement, how about this? They go ahead and sell it to you, and become your tenants. All done with a solicitor. Or simply, with a long exchange date - not sure what the mortgage company would allow. But you don't have to complete and exchange on the same day. It would be like buying off plan on a new build. Complete now, exchange later.

You get to own quickly with existing mortgage offer. They have guarantee of sale. You just don't move for a while.

You need to talk to him though - perhaps he doesn't like that house / street as much as you do?

He actually does like it here, and we knew that house would eventually come up for sale. We waited for that house and where within a couple of weeks of signing for it.

We discussed buying it and the owners being tenants until they can go back to their other property.

To be honest I think it's just convinience, the other house doesn't need any work done to it, not even wallpapering as it is already in our style, house on our street needs a new boiler and will need decorated from top to bottom as its quite old fashioned. DH says he "can't be arsed" re decorating and just wants an easy life

As for the house that been for sale for 7 years, the owner paid a lot of money for it and seems to think he can sell for the same amount, but it is over priced. Put it this way, he wants over 100 grand for it, the one 2 doors up from him which is identical sold for less than £70k

Well we had a "discussion" which turned into an shouting argument. It was basically laid on the line that if I didn't go with him we would end up divorced because he is not staying here when the mortgage is in place and we obviously don't have the same ambitions in life. That is be stupid to turn down the chance of owning my own home, he compared it to "what if you wanted more kids and was desperate for a baby and I didn't want one"

Said that in 12 months if I hated it there we would sell and move back into the town.

Feel like I have no choice really. Move or divorce.

I would choose the latter. He's being a bully about it and couldn't care less about how you feel.

Does that mean he will basically lie about having 2 incomes to get the mortgage and then when it's sorted you can piss off if you want?

I know what I would be doing there as well

No he said he would give me half the money that's in the bank (the deposit) and just fuck off. Because he has had to fight me every step of the way.

Is he generally like this or is he calling your bluff thinking its for your own good? Don't let yourself be bullied.

He sounds delightful. I like the idea of buying the house on the street where you live and having the current owner as a tenant until they're ready to move. And only charge them for mortgage and costs to repay the kindness.

Well after that I stormed off out to the shop, when I came back he sat me down and held my hand and said he doesn't want to argue and fall out, that he understands that I like it here but we've had good times here because we've been here as a family, that after the sale of the last one fell through then having to get a damp report and asking the bank for more money for the mortgage he is stressed out to the max and frustrated.

Now he's at work telling me he is close to walking out because he is so stressed with everything.

And I'm still sat here thinking about if shit goes wrong and I have given up something that makes me happy (living here) how angry I will be

What a big fat mess

Renting is dead money. Plus mortgage rules are changing all the time, so your DH is right in that now is the right time to get a mortgage. The lenders are constantly changing their acceptance criteria and there is no guarantee that because you were accepted for a mortgage this time you will be again if the house in the street became available.

I wouldn't buy in a street where a house took seven years to sell either.

I understand the love for a particular area but tbh life moves on. And what is now your lovely neighbourhood will most likely have changed in five years time when the kids have all moved on to secondary and are no longer playing outside, but by then you may no longer be in a position to buy.

You need to talk about this. Personally I think that anyone who doesn't want to own property is a bit unwise esp if they're in a position to do so. Property will gain long-term and is a sound investment over a period of 20/30 years or so. Imagine ploughing that much money into rent for the next 25 years and having nothing to show for it.

If you don't want to move to that particular area then Start looking at other houses closer to where you live now and reach a compromise.

While your dh sounds a bit harsh, It strikes me that he feels you lack ambition and are too emotionally tied to a street, and IMO he's not entirely wrong in his observation. Under the current government you couldn't possibly be sure that you could stay in that house for ever anyway and then what? the best way to secure your futures really is to buy not to rent.

To be fair I don't think buying is the be all and end all, I have a two friends who have owned houses and are now back renting, the first one had her house repossessed and was declared bankrupt when she split from her partner, the second couldn't afford the mortgage alone after splitting from a partner and was given a house in the rough end of town, both say they would never own again as it is not worth the hassle.

DH goes on about "improving our children's life chances" and how they will have the house when we die and the money that comes with selling it.

Maybe we just have different views. When his parents die he will inherit a third of their home. When my parents died I got nothing because we grew up in council houses, and here's my main point - it didn't affect me whatsoever that I got nothing.

I think, generally, he is just more materialistic than I am ?

Or maybe I am just being naive and should see what happens.

Heads up my arse to be honest

I don't think it's materialistic to want to own property, and in an age where children are growing up with increasing financial difficulty I.e. Tuition fees if they want to go to university, finding it harder to find work, and even harder to get on the property ladder, it's not an unreasonable aspiration to want to have something to leave for them as a legacy, or, worst case scenario, to be able to pay for care costs in old age.

That being said I don't think it should be something that A, parents feel they are obligated to do, and B, children should feel they're entitled to.

But thus far you've been extremely fortunate in being able to rent long-term, as it's council property, I would be thinking about what you would do if the regulations on renting under the council should change and you are no longer entitled to live there, for instance.

You want a home and he wants a house.

You seem to be one of the few people left in the UK who actually understands what a home is.

You live in a lovely community, near your kids' school and both of your jobs, with loads of local friends, and you are going to give that up to live in a smaller house, far away from everything you need, and distant from your friends.

And all of this because of impatience?

Because he can't wait a few months?

Fucking stupid.

The price of everything and the value of nothing.

Giving your children a lovely childhood in a close community where they feel they belong could be far more valuable to them than a house.

I'm with Bathtime. And I think the replies here would be a lot harder on the dh if this were about moving from one bought house to another. Some people, I think, are overlooking the dh's coercion and manipulation because UK culture in general shares his obsession with owning property. (I don't see how owning can be an 'ultimate life goal' or indicative of 'ambition'. It's buying a thing. A very large and useful thing, granted, but a thing nonetheless).

OP, I fail to see how your lives will be improved by this move. Proximity to school and work means more time (and money, in saved travel costs) for family life. It's also more environmentally sound, if we're thinking long-term. This move seems to be all about your dh, no matter what he says about your dc's life chances - surely those come from the modelling of resilience and industry, not from a potential (proprty is not a failsafe investmnt by any means) inheritance? I actually think it's your dh, not you, who fears change - he seems to think the only way to do things is the way he's grown up with, is used to.

Your dh drew a comparison with a disagreement about another baby. In thos cases, it's my view that the one who doesn't want the additional child should prevail. By that logic, you shouldn't move as you are the one who doesn't want to. And the house in your street sounds a safeish bet. Your dh seemxs to be throwing a bit of a tantrum of impatience, which suggests it is less about this house than about the projected effect of owning on his self-esteem.

So where does this leave you? I don't really know You both need to sit down and talk, calmly, with rules bout not shouting or interrupting.

I can't make him see reason, he told me I had 2 options, move to this house or stay here but he won't be staying. So what am I supposed to say? Tell him I'm staying put then be on my own?

Thing is, i think I will resent the whole thing, once I hand my keys in and I no longer live in my home I will be beyond devestated.

I am happy here. Should I really sacrifice my happiness for my husbands? Yes I could be happy there, but what if I'm not? There is no going back once I've moved.

I can feel myself becoming depressed with the whole thing to be honest. I've had enough, all I have heard about for the last few months is "look at this house" "guess how much this house sold for" "such and such is selling their house" my head is fucking BATTERED

I honestly think your DH has got obsessed so he's past being reasonable. Owning a house is not that important. Houses can become millstones. If you can buy the house on your street in the next 18 months it seems daft to move now when you could both be happy.

He clearly places so little value on your relationship. What about secondary schools at the new house?

You would be mad to give up the security of a council tenancy, which is enormously valuable to both you and you children, when your marriage is in such a precarious position.