How do i deal with this?

[diege]

I'm writing this on my commute into work after confronting dh yesterday after 6 months of what I thought was very obvious EA. I do think he has depression as his mum has Alzheimers, and he was made redundant in October. He does have a better job to go to starting March though, plus s very good redundancy package.
So because of this I've been trying to keep things low key, not making an issue of small stiff, basically walking on egg shells. After a particularly nasty episode on Sunday though it all came out yesterday. He denies he is depressed and won't go to the doctors (says its humiliating and if only I'd support him more he wouldn't be like this. The thing is the constant criticism and then (when I argue back) the demands to admit I'm wrong, need to acknowledge my own deficiencies are really getting me down. Last week he threw something at me, and a few days later grabbed my arm really roughly as I'd turned away from him during an argument.
Yesterday I told him that he was being abusive and the constant undermining of my feelings and responses to his behaviour were unacceptable. I said if he ever touches me again he's out (and I mean that). I also said he needs to go to the gp, and that I'm not staying in a relationship where I'm being controlled.

I'd thought it would get better getting it all out but its far worse. He's now saying the following: he denies the abuse saying its subjective and that I'm misinterpreting the things he's said/done. That I'm being abusive to him because now I've said all of this he's going to be walking on eggshells talking about stuff in case its abusive. So I'm the controller.

This morning before I left for work he sad he'd rather die than split up, and that I'd spoilt everything by calling him abusive. Final comments were that I'd caused this creating the situations where he lost it and that I'm the one who needs to see a doctor....

I can't talk to anyone in real life, though friends are aware that things aren't great. I just worried now that if it is depression (and I think he does have it) I've now made it a whole lot worse. How do I disentangle EA from depression? Is he right that I've made it worse? Not sure how to cope when I get home. He's at home until March, I work full tine and we have 6 children to give a bit of context.

Latest post = 12:48.

Damn phone not refreshing....

The icon's a good idea!! I know what you mean re 'sabbatical' - a time to recharge, do those jobs you've had no time to get done, even arrange a short break away mid week with friends...Happy to support all of that. He just says he feels so isolated and unloved and needs to 'recharge' (aka sleeping all day).

You can freeze fresh milk ... That kills the UHT argument righ away.

Also, you are spot on with everything else, he is being a controlling dick and is out to undermine you at every turn.

YY green milk freezes really well . Blue sometimes separates, it tastes ok but the texture is affected .

Internet food shopping has saved me significant amounts of money purely by cutting out the impulse buys and encouraging meal planning. If you are okay with a late evening delivery slot then it's usually only £1 with Tesco, or you can buy a delivery "pass" thing if you need more than one shop a week, which with 6 kids I'd imagine you might :)

But all that aside - if he's miserable, and he's making you miserable, and by extension making the kids miserable, and he insists he's not depressed - then surely it just means he's a twat? I'd be taking him at his word and fucking him off, but I appreciate it's not always that easy.

It also strikes me that the reason he refused to consider the idea was because you came up with a solution, when what he wanted was to play the martyr and beat you with the stick of "I'm running myself into the ground, after my long exhausting day of lying in bed scratching my balls, because you want fresh milk YOU HARLOT."

He doesn't want solutions. He doesn't want to feel better. He is enjoying making you unhappy. You will probably find if you look closer that he is deliberately sabotaging his own happiness in many ways, because he gets a bitter kick out of his own misery.

What pocket said! He doesn't want solutions

Oh and pocket is so right, he REALLY doesn't want solutions.

(I will admit my m.o. in that kind of situation is to give solutions, because it winds the little fuckers up when they have to work HARD for that martyr badge)

I think you've hit the nail on the head there Pocket. There's definitely a sense of him indulging in his own misery. The next few days are going to be tough- great timing for my weekend away end of next week. I really hope he doesn't sabotage that, have been looking forward to it for months.

Do NOT let him sabotage it. What tactics would you envisage him using? Some passive-aggressive martyred sniping, like "I'm glad some people get to go off and enjoy themselves while I'm holding the fort at home"? If so, your response is, "Yes, I really appreciate it, thanks." Then just shut up and don't say anything else.

I think he'd say he was ill pocket (he's had a cough for a few weeks and has taken the car to get The Milk as he feels so poorly). As we have no family support to help out with childcare I'd have no choice but to stay. I'm actually away for work Thursday night and then travelling on to the cottage on the Friday, so he'd probably get 'ill' around Friday morning I'd say.

Could you keep your phone switched off on Friday then? I would bet money in a sabotage attempt. Be prepared.

Wow, 6 kids with no family help or partner help, a full time job you enjoy and a social life with friends who like you - you're too good for him and he knows it - he's trying to wear you down so you don't ever know it.
Enjoy your weekend away,

FantasticButtocks, nobody would take that bet. It's a dead cert.

Just wanted to add a slightly different perspective. My dh has been emotionally abusive for years (which I realised, thanks to mumsnet). However a few months ago we went to the doctor together and had a good chat. He was diagnosed with depression, put on medication, and has genuinely become a different man. This Christmas holiday was the first time in years that him being at home has actually made my life easier instead of harder (playing with the kids, washing up, all those 'normal' things that should just be a given). My children are relaxed and happy, and it has made such a difference.

The tricky part of course is getting him to admit there is a problem. I asked my dh often to see a doctor but he always turned it round on me ('if you would only...then I wouldn't be so stressed' etc). But one day he just read an article about depression, recognised himself and I seized the window of opportunity.

I'm not saying in any way that this behaviour is acceptable, and you are absolutely right to take a stand. I'm also not saying that depression equals abuser. Just that this has been our journey. I have to say though that reading this has brought back many memories and made me realise I'm still very hurt by our past, and I don't think he really understands that yet.

Anyway, ramble ramble. Definitely enjoy your weekend!

Thank you overwhelmed, that's a really positive story. As you say though, its getting them to admit their role in the situation and their behaviour as needing attention that's the key. Hope things continue to improve for you.
I'm working from home today and dh back on bed, feeling ill...He says he thinks it will take at least,another 3 or 4 weeks to get better...I've not even mentioned the weekend and him being ill yet...May see if my patents would be on standby to help out (unlikely) but if he is faking he might make a 'recovery" with other people here with him.
D

You managed to look after the kids while you were ill, so he is just going to have to manage. Go. Switch off your phone.

3-4 weeks! How the fuck does he know that?
Is he a trained doctor or something?
If he really thinks this then he needs to get his GP to get confirmation on what is wrong.
Not much takes 3-4 weeks to get over if it's just a bug.
God he's an arsehole!!!

If he's going to be ill for 3-4 weeks I would suggest he must be SERIOUSLY ill and in need of a doctor's appt. Then go with him and spill all about his behaviour..

And also, if you were ill would he cancel something to look after the children? I doubt it... (hollow laugh)

What a complete prick. I think the doctors is a good idea. 'Oh doctor he's really really so poorly he can't help at all with the children or the running of the house. There must be something seriously wrong with him because surely he couldn't possibly just be SLACKING OFF'. Grrrr.

Ha ha, you know I'm just going to turn my phone off. It's odd how The Illness managed to be disrupted for a day out with his friends last week climbing Snowdonia (I'm totally serious). Though of course now it's all about The Relapse. I think my phone might run out of battery actually...;)

He's on best behaviour at the moment but I am so many steps ahead of him. I'm doing a bit of research into driving lesson options and am quite looking forward to a new challenge. I think I might be playing the long game here but I know I'm not going back to how it has been.

You know, is it bad of me to wish he'd have an affair??

Sounding resolute there OP - good one!
Keep that going.
Sometimes the long game is the only way but you'll get there.