How do i deal with this?

[diege]

I'm writing this on my commute into work after confronting dh yesterday after 6 months of what I thought was very obvious EA. I do think he has depression as his mum has Alzheimers, and he was made redundant in October. He does have a better job to go to starting March though, plus s very good redundancy package.
So because of this I've been trying to keep things low key, not making an issue of small stiff, basically walking on egg shells. After a particularly nasty episode on Sunday though it all came out yesterday. He denies he is depressed and won't go to the doctors (says its humiliating and if only I'd support him more he wouldn't be like this. The thing is the constant criticism and then (when I argue back) the demands to admit I'm wrong, need to acknowledge my own deficiencies are really getting me down. Last week he threw something at me, and a few days later grabbed my arm really roughly as I'd turned away from him during an argument.
Yesterday I told him that he was being abusive and the constant undermining of my feelings and responses to his behaviour were unacceptable. I said if he ever touches me again he's out (and I mean that). I also said he needs to go to the gp, and that I'm not staying in a relationship where I'm being controlled.

I'd thought it would get better getting it all out but its far worse. He's now saying the following: he denies the abuse saying its subjective and that I'm misinterpreting the things he's said/done. That I'm being abusive to him because now I've said all of this he's going to be walking on eggshells talking about stuff in case its abusive. So I'm the controller.

This morning before I left for work he sad he'd rather die than split up, and that I'd spoilt everything by calling him abusive. Final comments were that I'd caused this creating the situations where he lost it and that I'm the one who needs to see a doctor....

I can't talk to anyone in real life, though friends are aware that things aren't great. I just worried now that if it is depression (and I think he does have it) I've now made it a whole lot worse. How do I disentangle EA from depression? Is he right that I've made it worse? Not sure how to cope when I get home. He's at home until March, I work full tine and we have 6 children to give a bit of context.

Post away - that's what we are here for.
Sound us out about anything.
There are some amazing women on here who will have some great advice for you.
I'm glad you are learning to drive. It will give you that all important independence.

Really good idea to learn to drive. He knows that and is trying to undermine it. He doesn't want you to have any autonomy and wants to shut down anything that smacks of it. Don't let him spoil that one.

You are totally sane by the way. And you're not dreaming what he is doing. It is abuse, but you don't have to get him to agree that it is to make it true. He just wants to make you think you are mad. Ugh.

You have a plan and that is a great start. Learning to drive would give you lots of freedom hence why he is against it. I hope this evening is not too awful. There are loads of excellent posters on here who can offer support and advice so please post away. Do you have anyone in RL you could talk to?

Thank you, I will certainly post again later.
Moregilmoregirls, I do have a really good group of girlfriends that I've discovered quite late in life (I'm mid-40s), and they do know a bit of what's going on, but I fear opening up totally. I'm not sure why. I am a bit embarrassed - on paper I 'have it all' - and feel that I'd be burdening them a bit with my woes. We have a girly weekend planned in a fortnight (that in itself was a mountain to climb with dh but I wasn't letting that one go)so may say a bit more then. Don't want to bring down the mood though!

And I second what hells say - you lot are a truly amazing group of women!

Glad you're planning. Of course post later.

OP. Go to the doc anyway, have a chat and get the docs side of things. Then you can go home and tell him what docs says. Or better still ask him to go with you.p and make a double appointment. He won't be able to resist if he's diagnosed and it might save things.

Really glad you've got support in real life OP. It can be hard to ask for help or admit things aren't great at home but I bet if you open up to them they'll give you masses of help and advice probably over wine.

Big hugs (from HotSoup Oct13Bus)

I hope you're ok today OP?

I'm ok thanks. A bit less panicky and getting used to where things have (in my mind at least) moved on to. When I got home yesterday it was all very low key

.
The kitchen was a tip, breakfast things still out, dirty dishes everywhere but I just got on with cleaning it up. I did notice that dh had made his lunch in and around the mess (he was at home on his own all day) but didn't want to even get into a conversation that could start it all off again.

Went to my singing group and dh in bed when I get home. Nothings been said by him about the situation. Should I wait it out or start a conversation about things after work? Obviously it's all going to kick off again at some point very soon but I do feel prepared for what might happen next.

I wonder if this wobbly was thrown before your weekend away and he's annoyed you arranged it so hopes you cancel.

Lundy Link here

sounds as if he resents you doing anything for yourself and will try to prevent you doing that or anything that would make your life easier. sounds as if he is also trying to destroy any confidence you have.

Does he drive? If he isnt working at the moment, why isnt he doing all the housework/running kids to and from school. What IS he doing all day? sounds as if he needs to be a bit busier

Yes, he does drive. He's currently waiting to start a new job in march following voluntary redundancy in October. He says he's struggling with lack of structure and I know he does go back to bed in the day (this is why I was suspecting depression too). I've lost the energy to continually confront about the unfairness of this, though have noted there's recently been an increase in his 'mess', so now his dirty clothes left in piles in bathroom, often muddy from when he goes out for a run. I mentioned he needs to pick them up but his response was, 'if you've seen them, why would you then ask me to pick them up, why not just pick them up? Why are you even bothering me with this'. Total madness...

"Because it's not my job to pick up after you. Fuckwit." ????

He is making me angry, god knows what it does to you. Stay strong OP.

Can I just check - you work full time and do all the care for your 6 children , all of whom are at school or nursery. Your husband is at home full time waiting for his new job to start and in the meantime he does nothing except sleep all day and go out running .

Is that right ?

I do remember you Waving, and often think about what you went through (just the other day in fact!). How are things now?

In terms of his day-to-day activities, there are some good days, some bad. On a good day tea will be prepared and he'll put (just) his own clothes (!!!) in the washing machine.

He does do a lot of food shopping in the evening, though I have said we could do internet shopping as he was saying what a strain it was, but he doesn't like that idea as thinks it will work out too expensive. I said we should give it a go, maybe meal planning, to keep the cost down, and then just pick up bread and milk in the week. That suggestion actually triggered a row as I was told that if I would drink UHT milk (sorry, I can't stand it) then it wouldn't be a constant trek to the shops. I said I'd pick up (fresh) milk after work, but the UHT theme won through and the discussion became about me being unwilling to change to it, that it was 'all about me'. I'll admit that I'm feeling quite embarrassed writing all this down, it all sounds so silly and childish.

Notice how he managed to deflect the conversation from the general (shall we do on-line and meal planning, plus top-ups) to the particular (UHT milk) - which was actually irrelevant to the main point.

Why can't you buy fresh milk in a weekly shop anyway? Most people do. It lasts.

Yep lots of controlling behaviour here. Upsetting you before you are going out. Making it hard for you to spend money on yourself for driving lessons. Telling you you will get fat. Deflecting arguments that he knows he can't win.

Does he control money as well? whose idea was it to have six children? I am not questioning your right to have all the kids you want but it is a good way for cintrolling men to keep their wives in the home or constantly tired and busy. .. thus not doing what you want to do.

I think it's a good thing, writing this stuff down, the ridiculous things he does and chooses to argue about. Because as you cringe while you write it, you are confirming to yourself that he really is a total knob and you are doing the right thing in getting rid of the bastard.

Whatdoesittake, the large family sort of evolved; if anything I was keener. I've always worked too though, and really enjoy my job which is demanding very fulfilling. Money wise I've always keep my own current account. My overdraft is my own ;).
Fantastic, I agree! As I'm typing in thinking about the banality of the things that are so important for him to 'win' battles over. I wonder what tonight will bring? Bit nervous...

Re: your latest post. I almost had [some cautious] sympathy for him for a bit, mainly re: the downtime post-(I'm assuming) xx years of work/pre-new job and who among us wouldn't appreciate a bit of sabbatical, if we can afford it?

Until I got to the part about him not even picking up after himself, indeed, getting snarky about you even mentioning it. Then the red mist descended. OP, this is out & out nastiness.

Mumsnet should have a gonad-lopper-icon, really. Hell, everybody thinks we do anyway.