What are the implications of citing co-respondents in a divorce?

[Heartbroken4]

That's it, really. What effect does it have one the people cited? What do they have to do? Does it add to the cost? The time it takes?

I'm rather confused, OP.
You started a thread asking about naming co-respondents in a divorce, but you don't want a divorce?

If you want him to try then why are you asking about how to file for divorce?

Can I also say: you seem to be heaping a lot of blame on these OW. Are you holding the person who made their marriage vows and subsequently broke them (your husband) in anyway responsible?

Your focus for angst seems entirely misguided IMO. Naming people in a petition to name and shame them is not where your focus should be.

I couldn't care less about who my STBXH stuck his dick in. They are more than welcome to the compulsive liar. My focus is me, my DC's and getting through this as best we can.

I think he intends to leave, which is why I am asking. I can tell him what I think: I have no other way if affecting these women. One of them has been especially heartless about the hurt caused to the children.

You're focussing way too much about these women. If they didn't care about you and the children before, they don't care now.

Your other half didn't care much about them either based on his conduct. Are you going to hold him accountable for anything? Why is all your anger directed to these women?

I'm saying this with the best of intent and advice for you. The whole time you focus on these women, you're not focussing on the most important part. You and your DC's. It's a distraction tactic you're employing perhaps in part to protect yourself.

If you think he is leaving, my advice is to use this time and prepare. Get to a lawyer. Do you work? What's your financial situation?

Best advice I ever saw on this board. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

OP

No. I don't have paid employment: he works away in the week and we agreed I would be with the children. I have spent most of the last 10 years pregnant or breastfeeding and I am close to a major hospital, where I have been under a specialist.

Hi op

I divorced my ex for adultery, he had to sign a confession from the solicitor and I held back the names,
But this was 16yrs ago now.

Thanks for the explanation, OP.

Sassy is giving you some great advice.

I was named as a co-respondent 20 years ago. I was mortified, because I didn't know he was married. I was single, he was working away from home and it was a casual thing. Wouldn't have gone near him if I'd known.

But that's why I felt mortified. And, to this day, the only people that know are the people I chose to tell.

So he's fucked at least 3 other women and you want him 'to try'!!??
Really?
He will keep doing this to you and your DC.
Get him gone.

Well in your shoes OP, I would be getting to a lawyer and at least have an understanding of your rights.

The staying for the sake of your DC's will only have a certain shelf life I'm afraid to say. Whether that's weeks, months or years who knows. Based on the fact that he's accusing you of bullying him into saying, he's not even sorry for his actions. For your sanity, get RL support and get your ducks lined up.

It makes all the difference in the world to know your rights in a situation like this.

I am waiting on a call back from a recommended law firm. I have RL support but it is not yet widely known. I have contributed to this mess but I am now on ADs and in theraparticular addressing my issues.

*therapy

I do appreciate what you are saying. I am reeling a little a lot.

Don't put the blame for his infidelity on yourself. Even if you had 'broken his heart' by whatever it was he claimed you'd done, an honourable man would have sought a divorce before setting out online to meet and shag ow.

I'm getting the feeling that you're looking for ways to ensure he stays with you and you're maybe hoping that threats to name and shame the ow in a divorce petition will be the glue that keeps him by your side, but this is misguided thinking because in Western society there is no longer any shame to being either an adulterer or a mistress/one night stand.

There was a time when society's doors were firmly closed against respondents and co-respondents in divorce cases, but that era has passed and these days many ow, whether mistresses of some duration or eager participants in one night stands, seem to regard their lack of moral scruple as a claim to fame.

You should also be aware that if you fail to file for divorce on the ground of his adultery within six months of the date you discovered he'd been playing away, the law will take the view that you have condoned it. In other words, any threat you may make to name and shame the ow you are currently aware of will be hollow come June of this year

Middle of March, actually goddess for two of them.

I don't want to bind him through shame. Separate to anything with him, I want to hurt them and cause them problems, there, I have said it.

Oh OP.

I think goddesses post is spot on. You're assuming this will hurt them and cause them shame. I don't really think it will.

I'm reminded of that Confucius quote. Before you embark on a journey of revenge dig two graves.

Of course you're reeling and the anger is a totally expected emotion. But channelling those vengeful thoughts towards these women is a hiding to nowhere IMO.

Focus on you.

And my four children under 9 ...

Won't hurt them at all will hurt you and potentially your children by perpetuating this cycle deep breath cut him out of your heart and move the fuck on

They are already hurt by him saying he will go and then back-tracking and promising to stay then disappearing for most of last w/e ...

And they don't yet know it isn't just a case of Daddy doesn't love Mummy, which he told them, but Daddy "loves" someone else ...

You can't make someone else face the reality of what they did. You can't make him think or feel any particular way about his actions. He can find some way to mentally twist his way out of it and justify his actions to himself, even if it's on a legal record.

The only way you can make him stop cheating on you is to not be in a relationship with him. You can't make him be in a relationship with you and faithful to you. You can try to convince him to do that, but I'd be surprised if you succeeded after he cheated three times.

I am so frightened.

What are you frightened of? Is it fear of being a single parent with all the responsibility that entails with no-oine to watch your back or help you get up when you fall?

Yup. Watching him move on whilst I have no choices. The hurt of my abandoned children. Financial fear.r