Sister doesn't want to see me

[ScoutandAtticus]

I just typed a long post on my phone and it disappeared so I will keep this brief.

I fell out with my BIL at the weekend and now my sister wants to cut me out and I don't know what to do.

Big back story, but in short, I don't like my BIL. It has recently become apparent that he is addicted to cocaine which has fuelled my feelings. My sister has been telling me how unhappy she is, I have seen her change into shadow of herself and its been difficult all round.

Added to this, my relationship with my sister is not perfect. We get on well these days but I have always been warey as she can be a user and a bit of a stirrer.

Anyway, this weekend I agreed to have my 3 nephews whilst my sister and BIL went away. My sister would never return such a favour ( I know that should by matter but it causes resentment). It was all fine but admittedly a slog at times as I had 5 aged 5 to 10 without help. I agreed to meet sister and BIL at the airport as its halfway between out houses. This is about a 1.5 hour round trip for me. I had a trolley with all the nephews bedding on etc. BIL moaned about " how the hell are meant to get that on the bus" and then stormed off with the youngest child leaving my sister and I to sort out all the bags. I saw red. I though how dare he storm off when I have looked after his children all weekend, without so much as a thanks from him and expects my sister to walk down to meet him ( he was about 70m away) with 2 young kids and weighed down with bags. My sister and I didn't know what to do with all their bedding etc but agreed I would take it home. I didn't know they had parked somewhere where this would be an issue and there was no other solution. I was so angry I called BIl back and told him to help my sister and said I was really peed off he had stormed off over his bags, leaving me and sis to sort out consideribg all I had done that wrekend for him. He shouted and swore ( expected) and it was all quite loud but over in minutes. I walked off.

I rarely get this angry and acknowledge it wasn't the best thing, especially in front of the children.

However, BIL made a very spiteful, personal comment to me last year which took all my strength not to deal with. My sister says BIL just says what he thinks and that's him.

I spoke to my sister and it was OK. She said he was angry and wanted and aplogy and rather predictably had twisted the whole story and emebelleshed. I pointed out he has said worse to me and is normally quite happy to dish it out.

Sister was in agreement "I know what he's like, he can be such an arse" type comments.

Then 3 hours later I get a Facebook message from her and BIL saying they want nothing to do with me.

I have replied saying it seems a stupid thing to fall out about and let's sleep on it.

I don't want to lose my sister and nephews but don't see how this can be resolved. I really don't want to apologise - I would rather have my teeth extracted than apologise to him. I think it could have blown over and not been continued. Am I being naive? Seems bizarre that someone so used to fishing his opinion out gets so het up when it's done to him.

I shall have to look up Lundy Bancroft.

Thanks once again to you all. I have spoken to BIL and cleared the air. He tried to blame me and would only apologise for "my misunderstanding" which I gave him short shrift for. He eventually apologised but I am pretty sure it will all be.my fault in his head. He is a tit and I hate him but have to put up with him to maintain the relationship with my nephews.

However, I have cancelled the next childcare date on the basis the favour is not returned and they took the piss.

And breath.

However, I have cancelled the next childcare date on the basis the favor is not returned and they took the piss. Did they really expect you to continue with it after they both treated you like this.

I would be raging, but as you say your Dsis was ok with you to start with, my concern is that perhaps he has forced her to send the message.

And to add another insult my sister has now told me that two of my nephews said I had been asking whether her and BIL argue alot . I had said no such thing and told her that to which she replied she knew as nephews had admitted they were lying. Why bring it up them? My mum helped me out on one of the days and she got the same comment.

I wonder if they said it because they are fighting and your nephew had no way of voicing his distress. So he blames you and your mum.

A way of saying something without actually saying it

I wonder that. I am still at the accusation though.

You need to either decide not to have this in your life and cut them out or you need to get clever IMO.

Getting clever means not ever rising to BIL, not ever criticising him directly. Only dealing with DSIS, helping guide her to concluding he is an arse herself and helping empower her to actually feel she doesn't need to put up with it.

Encouraging her to seek help from WA when she is ready etc.

Do not ever give him cause to say you were unreasonable, make it clear that you are the victim when he goes off on one - show her the real dynamic of an abusive relationship. He gets angry and storms off, you are sad and upset at just trying to help rather than angry he is a dick. Get her to nurture you and then nurture herself (the true victim). Don't allow him to make it seem tit for tat.

ATM he is guiding the narrative of their relationship in her head; you have it in for him, he doesn't understand why you do, you are nosy and interfering in their relationship, he doesn't see why you are intent on causing trouble and it makes him angry, she needs to choose between him and you and he thinks she should choose him because he is her husband.

You need to blow apart his control.

Good posts offred.

OP you sound caring and patient and wise to your awful BIL. Poor DSis and DNs.

Thank you all. Great advice Offred