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Relationships

Sister doesn't want to see me

36 replies

ScoutandAtticus · 18/01/2016 03:36

I just typed a long post on my phone and it disappeared so I will keep this brief.

I fell out with my BIL at the weekend and now my sister wants to cut me out and I don't know what to do.

Big back story, but in short, I don't like my BIL. It has recently become apparent that he is addicted to cocaine which has fuelled my feelings. My sister has been telling me how unhappy she is, I have seen her change into shadow of herself and its been difficult all round.

Added to this, my relationship with my sister is not perfect. We get on well these days but I have always been warey as she can be a user and a bit of a stirrer.

Anyway, this weekend I agreed to have my 3 nephews whilst my sister and BIL went away. My sister would never return such a favour ( I know that should by matter but it causes resentment). It was all fine but admittedly a slog at times as I had 5 aged 5 to 10 without help. I agreed to meet sister and BIL at the airport as its halfway between out houses. This is about a 1.5 hour round trip for me. I had a trolley with all the nephews bedding on etc. BIL moaned about " how the hell are meant to get that on the bus" and then stormed off with the youngest child leaving my sister and I to sort out all the bags. I saw red. I though how dare he storm off when I have looked after his children all weekend, without so much as a thanks from him and expects my sister to walk down to meet him ( he was about 70m away) with 2 young kids and weighed down with bags. My sister and I didn't know what to do with all their bedding etc but agreed I would take it home. I didn't know they had parked somewhere where this would be an issue and there was no other solution. I was so angry I called BIl back and told him to help my sister and said I was really peed off he had stormed off over his bags, leaving me and sis to sort out consideribg all I had done that wrekend for him. He shouted and swore ( expected) and it was all quite loud but over in minutes. I walked off.

I rarely get this angry and acknowledge it wasn't the best thing, especially in front of the children.

However, BIL made a very spiteful, personal comment to me last year which took all my strength not to deal with. My sister says BIL just says what he thinks and that's him.

I spoke to my sister and it was OK. She said he was angry and wanted and aplogy and rather predictably had twisted the whole story and emebelleshed. I pointed out he has said worse to me and is normally quite happy to dish it out.

Sister was in agreement "I know what he's like, he can be such an arse" type comments.

Then 3 hours later I get a Facebook message from her and BIL saying they want nothing to do with me.



I have replied saying it seems a stupid thing to fall out about and let's sleep on it.

I don't want to lose my sister and nephews but don't see how this can be resolved. I really don't want to apologise Blush - I would rather have my teeth extracted than apologise to him. I think it could have blown over and not been continued. Am I being naive? Seems bizarre that someone so used to fishing his opinion out gets so het up when it's done to him.

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ScoutandAtticus · 21/01/2016 14:48

Thank you all. Great advice Offred

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Duckdeamon · 21/01/2016 12:11

Good posts offred.

OP you sound caring and patient and wise to your awful BIL. Poor DSis and DNs.

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Offred · 21/01/2016 12:09

ATM he is guiding the narrative of their relationship in her head; you have it in for him, he doesn't understand why you do, you are nosy and interfering in their relationship, he doesn't see why you are intent on causing trouble and it makes him angry, she needs to choose between him and you and he thinks she should choose him because he is her husband.

You need to blow apart his control.

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Offred · 21/01/2016 12:05

You need to either decide not to have this in your life and cut them out or you need to get clever IMO.

Getting clever means not ever rising to BIL, not ever criticising him directly. Only dealing with DSIS, helping guide her to concluding he is an arse herself and helping empower her to actually feel she doesn't need to put up with it.

Encouraging her to seek help from WA when she is ready etc.

Do not ever give him cause to say you were unreasonable, make it clear that you are the victim when he goes off on one - show her the real dynamic of an abusive relationship. He gets angry and storms off, you are sad and upset at just trying to help rather than angry he is a dick. Get her to nurture you and then nurture herself (the true victim). Don't allow him to make it seem tit for tat.

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Arfarfanarf · 21/01/2016 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScoutandAtticus · 21/01/2016 10:47

I wonder that. I am still Angry at the accusation though.

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Aussiebean · 21/01/2016 08:03

I wonder if they said it because they are fighting and your nephew had no way of voicing his distress. So he blames you and your mum.

A way of saying something without actually saying it

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ScoutandAtticus · 21/01/2016 07:16

And to add another insult my sister has now told me that two of my nephews said I had been asking whether her and BIL argue alot . I had said no such thing and told her that to which she replied she knew as nephews had admitted they were lying. Why bring it up them? My mum helped me out on one of the days and she got the same comment.

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Gobbolino6 · 18/01/2016 20:24

I would be raging, but as you say your Dsis was ok with you to start with, my concern is that perhaps he has forced her to send the message.

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Clutterbugsmum · 18/01/2016 19:57

However, I have cancelled the next childcare date on the basis the favor is not returned and they took the piss. Did they really expect you to continue with it after they both treated you like this.

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ScoutandAtticus · 18/01/2016 16:11

I shall have to look up Lundy Bancroft.

Thanks once again to you all. I have spoken to BIL and cleared the air. He tried to blame me and would only apologise for "my misunderstanding" Hmm which I gave him short shrift for. He eventually apologised but I am pretty sure it will all be.my fault in his head. He is a tit and I hate him but have to put up with him to maintain the relationship with my nephews.

However, I have cancelled the next childcare date on the basis the favour is not returned and they took the piss.

And breath.

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Duckdeamon · 18/01/2016 12:19

I would also get her a copy of Lundy Bancroft!

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Duckdeamon · 18/01/2016 12:17

As PPs say I would let your sister know - ideally in person - that you will be there for her if she needs you, whatever she decides about her relationship.

I wouldn't do anything, however, to facilitate the relationship (eg looking aftet the DC).

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Dragonsdaughter · 18/01/2016 12:11

Ha was just about to put - bet they will want you before you want them but see Kait got therev1st -

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kaitlinktm · 18/01/2016 11:28

I don't at all blame you for losing your temper - you are only human after all.

I think going NC will be to your advantage not theirs - they seem to need you more than you need them and I would bet they will soon be back like the proverbial bad penny asking for favours.

Perhaps you could as someone has already suggested tell your sister that you are there for her and your nephews if they need you, but will have no further contact with BiL. Perhaps you could even say that you will help when (not if) she is ready to leave him as he is abusive.

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ScoutandAtticus · 18/01/2016 11:03

Yep i am certain he is abusive. Not physically but certaiblly financially and emotionally. She is a shadow of her former self in terms of now bring such a walkover, whereas she used to be so strong. In fact I had pointed this out to her recently and that's what triggerred her telling him she wanted to leave. They are trying to work things out but it seems fruitless to me.

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PassTheWench · 18/01/2016 10:55

Am I the only one that thinks that the dsis may be in an abusive relationship? He has all of the hallmarks of an abuser ( treating staff like crap, belittling dsis and you, short temper, manipulating stories) and it would explain why your dsis has gone nc.

Has her personality changed since she's been with him? Any unexplained injurys?

I'd message her letting her know you are there for her when she wants to talk but you will not accept her dp's behaviour. She needs to understand its wrong and not let him minimise it.

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NNalreadyinuse · 18/01/2016 09:47

Your bil is a pig and you were right not to let him get away with speaking to you like that. I have to say that I think your sister is just as bad. She is actively choosing to allow her kids to be brought up in a house with an abusive coke addict.

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diddl · 18/01/2016 09:45

Well tbh I think that you can expect thanks & no insults/strops-especially from the adults!!

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ScoutandAtticus · 18/01/2016 09:44

Just to be clear, as the bedding was in a box rather than a bag they couldn't take it on the bs and carry it to the car as they parked off site. I did say I thoyfht they woukd have luggage trolleys but BIL had stripped off by then.

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ScoutandAtticus · 18/01/2016 09:42

Thanks again. Definitely true what you say Ishetan


The bedding is at my house. They bought it on Friday in one of those big plastic storage boxes, it's 3 blow up beds, a pump and sleeping bags. I had got it on a trolley which meant everything was eye height and then precariously walked to the airport from the car park with 4 children in tow, including the 4 year old who thinks it's great fun to run off at every opportunity. I had no choice but to bring it home and I planned on returning it in the Feb half term. They only need it for camping in the summer.

I am definitely going to leave her to it. As I say there is much more to this, not least that this was for her 40th birthday and it transpired I have spent the last two years thinking she had gone halves with my mum on some jewellery when in fact she hadn't which meant she bought me nothing. They turned up here on Friday at 11 empty handed and gave me a bloody fridge magnet for my troubles. I know you shouldn't expect things but if it were reversed and she was having my 2 older and much easier kids I would have turned up with a load of food for the coming weekend and given her a bottle of bubbly to say thanks at the very least.

DH just thinks they are stupid and when dealing with stupid people , you don't respond as there is no point. I am disappointed in him but see his point. But ultimately, I felt mugged off for all the above reasons and then my BIL dealt the final blow. Good luck to her, he is an excuse of a man.

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Arfarfanarf · 18/01/2016 09:24

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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Isetan · 18/01/2016 09:09

Your Sister and BIL sound like a right pair but you already know this. What you don't appear to understand, is that you have a choice here and not exercising that choice, is a choice. There's a payoff for repeatedly putting yourself out for a person who doesn't respect you and if you want to break this cycle, then you need to figure it out.

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diddl · 18/01/2016 09:02

Why was the bedding a problem?

And it's now at your house or you just walked off & went home & left them to it?

If you sister has made the decision to cut you out then you really can't do anything.

You let her know that you want to stay in touch by sending this " it seems a stupid thing to fall out about and let's sleep on it. ", so I think that you have to leave herto it.

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Guiltypleasures001 · 18/01/2016 08:48

Wow I hope your dh was a bit more supportive then that op, your sister going nc is probably a blessing , but will only last as long as they need the kids baby sitting again I suspect.

Don't take the blame for this, he's a prick she knows it and enables it, leave em to it, let your mum deal with them.

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