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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is going to sound like I am JEALOUS or GRABBY but what do you think.....

47 replies

drosophila · 20/12/2006 18:44

If we need an emergency babysitter we have only one resource DP's mum. She comes while we go to work. The journey costs her £50 which we pay her and she expects. Fair enough I hear you say but same person is paying for two of her other grandchildren to go to private school(about 18,000 a year) while her daughter sorts herself out of a financial crisis. It is highly unlikely that this will happen and we expect that DP's parents will continue to pay for a few years to come.

We are not supposed to know any of this but the inequity really bugs me. What would you do or say. Recently we had to have her two days in a three week period and that is £100. Something we can't afford.

OP posts:

FestiveFrex · 20/12/2006 18:45

If anything is to be said, it needs to come from your dp, not you. What does he think about this?

FioFio · 20/12/2006 18:46

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lulumama · 20/12/2006 18:46

erm...she charges her family for babysitting!?!?

how sure are you she is paying that much out for school fees>>

mind you, if she is. every penny counts.....

tricky one..

MistleToo · 20/12/2006 18:50

I think it's fair that if her fare is £50 you contribute BUT on the other side of the coin you explain about the school fees. Not on imvho. Agree with FF that your dp needs to have words. Agree with Fio about your sil accepting such a gesture!

FrayedKnotRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 20/12/2006 18:53

I think it is a bit odd that she expects you to pay her to come & help you out in an emergency, but what do you really mean by emergency?

My Mum lives 150 miles away and if she had to travel by train the fare would cost her £50 but I would only ask her to come if I was seriously ill or incapacitated or something, and no way would she expect to be paid.

If OTOH you often ask her to come because teh children are ill and can;t go to nursery or something and it costs her £50 to come up then can kind of see why you would feel obliged to hlep her out with the fare and I think this is reasonable...presumably you do this so you don;t have to take unpaid leave from work?

Socci · 20/12/2006 18:58

Message withdrawn

Original poster

drosophila · 20/12/2006 19:01

By emergency I mean the kids are sick and I have to be at work. It happens about 5 times a year, if that, but recently the kids have been very sick (in hosp) hence the two visits in quick succession.

DP is upset by it all. I don't think he can being himself to talk about it cos he is afraid of what he will say. It is made more complex by the fact that they do not know we know. The £50 is for a taxi round trip.

OP posts:

LorinaLovesSprouts · 20/12/2006 19:02

Well if you can find cheaper ,trustworthy childcare then go for it.

Maybe what you think you know is only half the truth? Maybe your SIL does loads for your MIL that you dont do ?

Original poster

drosophila · 20/12/2006 19:05

When I say upset not because we are paying the £50 (dp is the fairest person I know regards money)but is upset about the whole inequity of it all. The daughter also gets loads of babysitting from Granny.

Yes the school fees are now being paid as a result of financial difficulties but this financial crisis is unlikely to change and therefore they are in effect committing to pay for another 8 yrs and probably bankrupt themselves.

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TheBlonde · 20/12/2006 19:05

Hard as it is I think you would be best to try and see the two issues separately

By paying her cab fare you are being fair and reasonable as she is doing you a favour with her time

The school fees - your DP needs to tackle them

Original poster

drosophila · 20/12/2006 19:06

SIL is probably the most selfish person I have ever met and does nothing for MIL. In fact it is completely the other way around. SHe babysits for her 3 nights a week.

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Original poster

drosophila · 20/12/2006 19:08

TheBlonde I think you are probably right but when something annoys you it tends to erupt in all manner of places.

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LorinaLovesSprouts · 20/12/2006 19:09

Dont let it annoy you.

Would you want to be your SIL ? Would you trade lives with her in order to get free school fees ?
She is probably not the winner here.

Pay the taxi fare and be the better person. Its good not to be beholden

Original poster

drosophila · 20/12/2006 19:11

It's good just to get if off my chest. I know yo are right that the two are not really related.

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Pruni · 20/12/2006 19:12

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FioFio · 20/12/2006 19:14

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marymillington · 20/12/2006 19:22

i think, that if i had a good relationship with my mil (if i even had a mil) and that she was loving to the children and able to babysit, i'd leave it.

you are neither jealous or grabby. i would be a bit worried about your parents-in-law taking on responsibility for such an enormous financial burden, especially if they really can't afford it. i might talk encourage dp to talk to them about it in those terms.

Original poster

drosophila · 20/12/2006 19:32

That's another thing I'm not sure she loves our kids. She rarely see them. If we don't visit she never sees them except for these kind of babysitting requests. Two years running she forgot DS's birthday and when I saw her calendar every other birthday was noted but DS's.

She sees all her other grandchildren (4 others in total) every week. DD is not even two (her youngest and probably last grandchild) and I would say she has seen her a total of 10 times. You see you scratch the surface....

Information is reliable - another family member who thinks it's all fine and dandy.

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Pruni · 20/12/2006 19:35

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ernest · 20/12/2006 19:36

must be a long taxi journey to cost £50 - isn't there a cheaper way?

How do you know about the school fees if it's a secret?

I don't think it's fair to describe it (not op, but others) as paying her to babysit, you're paying her travel costs, she appears to babysit for free, which is a damned site more than I and many many other people get.

I think tbh if it pisses you off that much you need to arrange alternative emergency childcare. I think basically complaining she pays school fees (up to her what she does with her money, and you're not supposed to even know) and moaning about reimbursing her her travel costs when she's doing you a HUGE favour, well, I don't think you'll come out of it looking very good, and may well loose her services, in which case you'll need to make alternative arrangements anyway.

marymillington · 20/12/2006 19:37

hmm, well there could be all sorts of things like distance that could be a factor? maybe.

in that case i would make it a project for myself to work on my relationship with her, and give her the opportunity/expect her to do the same. and i'd still keep schtum about the taxi fares. a emergency place at nursery or childminders would cost £30 per child per day and is very possibly not as reliable as your mil.

Tinker · 20/12/2006 19:38

Don't think you can say anything really. You're getting reliable childcare in emergencies and that, really, is all you need. Galling though it is, she can do what she wants with her money and time.

DingDongDraculaOnHigh · 20/12/2006 19:39

honestly I would not fret over it

These things do happen

my PILs have bought my SIL a house, paid to educate my niece, bail SIL out every time she gets into financial peril (about once a month!), have just bought her a new kitchen etc etc

I am just highly relieved that I am capable of supporting my own lifestyle and don't have to ask for/expect handouts. These things do come at a price you know, though it may not seem it from where you sit!

DingDongDraculaOnHigh · 20/12/2006 19:39

(also as a result sil is incapable of managing her finances it is sad really)

Original poster

drosophila · 20/12/2006 19:55

Dingdong really interesting that you are in similar position. I know you are all right but inequity does get to me. It is her money I agree and this is always what DP's says. He then goes on to say that when they are in financial ruin (which is quite likely) he will not give them a penny. I think he would but he is adamant.

I suppose I am just using MN as a method to rant about the unequal treatment that to be honest the money is just a symptom of.

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