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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is going to sound like I am JEALOUS or GRABBY but what do you think.....

47 replies

drosophila · 20/12/2006 18:44

If we need an emergency babysitter we have only one resource DP's mum. She comes while we go to work. The journey costs her £50 which we pay her and she expects. Fair enough I hear you say but same person is paying for two of her other grandchildren to go to private school(about 18,000 a year) while her daughter sorts herself out of a financial crisis. It is highly unlikely that this will happen and we expect that DP's parents will continue to pay for a few years to come.

We are not supposed to know any of this but the inequity really bugs me. What would you do or say. Recently we had to have her two days in a three week period and that is £100. Something we can't afford.

OP posts:

DeepPannCrispandEven · 20/12/2006 20:08

Yes, you do sound jealous and grabby. Very. Not very pleasant to read.

Socci · 20/12/2006 20:21

Message withdrawn

DeepPannCrispandEven · 20/12/2006 20:22

Probably. Reading it on face value, perhaps not always best.

marymillington · 20/12/2006 20:23

ok, then deal with the cause, not the symptoms

definitely keep the money issues separate from the relationship issues.

do you have any inkling what is at the root of it?

hows your dp's relationship with his mum and dad?

Trifle · 20/12/2006 20:29

I agree that this is two separate issues. Paying the school fees does not encumber on her time or life, merely her bank balance. However, it would go without saying that the IL's would expect some kind of return on their money and your SIL must be under quite a bit of pressure for her children to do well and get good grades. However, coming down to you at short notice will encumber on her life. You havent mentioned that she has ever refused. She may well have had other plans which she has shelved to help you out. Coming to look after sick children will hardly be a barrel of laughs. You obviously dont live close by so hardly a contender to be babysitting. Maybe she feels that you only call her in an emergency and could be resentful that she is seen merely as a service. They may well have written a will leaving the vast majority to your DP as their daughter will have already had her inheritance. At the end of the day, it their money and life isnt fair.

Socci · 20/12/2006 20:32

Message withdrawn

Pruni · 20/12/2006 20:32

Message withdrawn

bctmum · 20/12/2006 20:34

your mil knows the difference in money. Perhaps she is grateful to you that you pay her travel and unhappy about the mess of sil school fees.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/12/2006 20:36

It was a tad harsh, yes.

But, it does come across as the title suggests a little.

I suppose - should you be in dire straights - his Mother might well help you out. If you appear to be coping just fine - then why would she give you something to balance what she is giving the other?

I can understand why you feel it unfair.

I have many brothers - most live at home still on a heavily subsidised rent, which then end up borrowing back plus some throughout the month - they all are approaching or have gone past 30, work in average to well paid jobs, they dont contribute towards bills or food shopping - they live the life of riley. Yet they are always bemoaning the fact that they have no money. I have been out and making my own way in life for a long time now with DP. I have never begrudged my parents doing what they do for my brothers - its their back, their rod and their money!!!!!

However, in the past few months, things have become v tight for many reasons, and when, due to an unfortunate soup incident, my Dad discovered what dire straights we are in, they have been helping us out here adn there where they can. I am grateful for it. I still dont begrudge the fact that my brothers live the life of riley....as long as they accept they arent getting christmas pressies this year .

I think, Dros, your DP needs to do what he feels is right - if he wants to broach this with his mother then he should do that. However, if he speaks of money etc - he will no matter how he says it, sound spoilt, even though I agree its unfair on yoru DC.

I also think you are better off making more suitable arrangements for emergency childcare.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/12/2006 20:40

Do you live much further away from her and SIL?

Maybe an idea for DP to mention to her that whilst he appreciates she has alot on her plate, and is busy - it is hurtful to him that she forgets things like DS's birthday. Rather than mention the money thing at all....?

Glitterygookwithchocsonthetree · 20/12/2006 20:43

God, I can't believe she has taken money for her train fare to help out when her grandchildren are ill!! Especially when she's forking out for private schooling for the others. I'd have to get dp to say something. Or, I'd just not offer the £50 train fare.

Glitterygookwithchocsonthetree · 20/12/2006 20:45

It's not really like dros is asking for financial help though is she? She is asking only for practical help, occasionally, help you'd really expect grandparents to be willing to give imo, and they are having to pay her travel costs. Odd.

FestiveFrex · 20/12/2006 20:58

But some grandparents do view their grandchildren differently and I suppose this is what dros is really upset about.

My MIL has DH's niece on a weekly basis, is constantly helping out his sister financially but can barely bring herself to visit us above birthdays and Christmas - and even then, when invited for the whole day last year, only managed to last a couple of hours before disappearing to spend the day with someone else. SIL's daughter gets interesting presents for birthday and Christmas, my boys get money.

I have gone out of my way to ensure that MIL is welcomed here and treated as I do my own parents (DH is less enamoured of the whole family thing), but I am shunned as the DIL rather than the DD.

I wouldn't mind too much but the boys notice these things .

DeepPannCrispandEven · 20/12/2006 21:36

Not sure which bit you couldn't agree less with, Pruni?

Yes, it can be seen as unfair and tricky. Or, one can see it as an autonomous individual making her own decisions, which unfortunately one doesn't like.
Also, as suggested earlier, your knowledge of the finances is not 'complete'. But good luck with it?

Cappuccino · 20/12/2006 21:50

get a cheaper babysitter

ask around

I wouldn't pay £50 for a babysitter even if if was Tanya Frickin Byron

Original poster

drosophila · 20/12/2006 22:53

Thanks for defending me guys. SHe also provides babysitting 3 times a week to her dd who lives about 30 mins away.

We had two bouts of unemployment recently and not once did they even ask DP if he was having any luck finding a job never mind offering to help. We now have huge debts cos we couldn't afford to live at the time.

There is more to it than money. Money is just one way they express how they feel. Having no contact and not visiting me in hosp after birth and not sending DS Bday cards are others

OP posts:

DingDongDraculaOnHigh · 20/12/2006 22:54

Can I also just say that it does seem to be the way that parents help out daughters more readily than sons (esp where kids are concerned) i'm sure not always the case but there you go

Again, doesn't bother me

DingDongDraculaOnHigh · 20/12/2006 22:54

maybe they think boys should be able to provide or something weird

Cappuccino · 21/12/2006 09:47

yeah my mil does all kinds of stuff for sil but not for us - when we go to visit them for the weekend I'd love to go out and see a film but the offer's not there - my mum does all our babysitting etc so maybe there is a boy/girl thing going on

also does sil live nearer?

LorinaLovesSprouts · 21/12/2006 10:01

Dropsophilia sweetheart you need to accept the situation for you own peace of mind.

My MIL also favours Dh's brothers and their kids. We also get not even a birthday card whilst they get things like televisions and cars. She also has SILs's kids for whole weeks at a time but has never offered to have mine for even a couple of hours.
She was like that for 15 years but now she has altzheimers so cant do any more 'damage'.

However I am really appalled that some people here are advising you or your Dh to tackle her about it.
Its her money and her time and she can do whatever she like with it. Including being an unfair old bag.

You cant control how she is ,all you can control is your reaction. Dont let yourself be wound up by her because that just makes you and Dh unhappy.

lazymoo · 26/12/2006 21:42

I realise that this is an old thread, but I just wanted to pass on the piece of 'wisdom' my FIL gave me, parents are there to help their daughters as sons are more than capable to be financially and physically (IFYKWIM) independent on their own! On that 'lovely' piece of information, I will follow it with my own, make sure you bring your own kids up to know that they will equally receive your time and money now and in the future. As for your SIL, let her get on with it, her demands in a nation with free education show her to be at worst money grabbing and at best immature.

Another thought is there any trusted mum's at your kids school who would be able to look after your kids whilst they are sick for less money, (saving you a bit, and one in the eye for MIL)

lazymoo · 26/12/2006 21:46

I meant to add, leave her get on with it and however much it hurts, by turning the other cheek you are being the bigger person.

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