Thanks everyone for replying. Sorry you are in the same boat.
In my case I had "nice on the surface" parents who were both quite emotionally abusive and extrenely emotionally selfish. Dad was quite violent tempered and extremely dismissive at times. Mum a bit narcissistic / childlike expecting me to care for her emotional needs and was also very violent tempered.
They were always fighting, loudly, smashing things, scaring me and making me act like the adult to sort their fight out. I learned to behave and impress them and soothe them to get love. I was fat as a kid, and was bullied a bit in school, travelled a lot so changed schools and didn't have friends until later life so just learned to cry alone in my room and was i pain a lot and alone inside.
If Mum or dad saw me crying they would find it an annoyance and did not want to know or see it so I learned no one cared really. Even as an adult I get on very well with my parents but emotionally - forget it - if they ever saw me cry even over something really bad they would find it uncomfortable and not know what to do or say.
I had a wonderful first love for six years, and that was a healthy relationship that taught me how to love and be loved, but when he left me at the tender age 21, I just fell apart and spent my whole twenties single and just having one night stands, getting into drugs and not caring if I lived or died.
I got my act together, and decided I was ready to create a life, so I got together with the most "stable" or kind, easy, loving man I could find at the age of 32. I found the least likely man in the world to ever hurt me, cheat on me or leave me and i settled into a life that made me largely bored and unhappy - only for him to both cheat AND leave me - in probably the cruelest way imaginable at the age of 36.
With hindsight I see that he was not a very nice man. He was just a very needy / obsessed man who said and did things to make it look like he was desperately attached to me but that really it was a selfish attachment where he had no concern at all for my real needs. Much like my parents. but while in it i absolutely could not see it.
The way he left me, as I said, very cruel and abusive in nature has made me regress even further and I am now only attracted to emotionally or phsyically unavailable men or men i need to "fix".
I become attracted to men who have a combination of three things (1) they chase me and are obsessively desiring of me. (2) they are outwardly weak / needy towards me (3) there is something keeping us apart - like distance or a recent divorce or emotional issues.
I think I am caught in the cycle because I have lost all faith and have no idea how to attach or even want a healthy attachment with a normal and loving man.
I am currently "seeing" a certain man who chased me like mad only to treat me appalingly and openly says he only wants me for sex yet I remain in complete denial as he continuinally cuts down my value and yet I am unable to leave - despite several far better men wanting me :(
I was wondering first if people wanted to discuss it (yes I have done baggage reclaim) and also maybe if anyone was interested in a real life support group of some sort?
I would love to have the comfort of knowing someone else felt this way. I know people look at me and see a smart, capable and intelligent woman and yet I allow myself to be treated like shit and want to make it stop.