More - Desperate help needed

[dadneedshelp72]

Ty for taking the time to read my post

I posted a thread earlier this week "desperate help needed" , and I received several really helpful responses.

I took the advice and I have been trying harder to give my wife "space"
I have only been texting once a day as originally agreed with her.
( I did have one lapse when there was a LOT of black ice and I text her
" be safe " - to which she later replied i'm at work and ok )

I then decided that I wasn't being fair and perhaps I should just cut all contact for now as she was just replying " yes/ no / ok " to whatever I wrote in my texts.

So yesterday the 14th I did not text her all day I was quite proud of myself and I began to focus more on my daughter and myself.
I had a good evening and did lots of positive things.

Then at lunchtime today I had a text asking " Do you think you will be able to bring over x,y and z next week please "

The text had one kiss at the end.

I looked in my history - sad I know and she had not put a text on the last 15 texts.

My immediate reaction was to text straight back " yes of course "
but I didn't. I thought no I will just text her at 18:00 ish as I had been doing before.

I then received a 2nd text exactly 1 hour later saying
" You ok, or are you not talking to me at all ? "

So I then began to type a response, but before I had drafted it my phone rang and it was my wife.

She then proceeded to ask me the same thing again, and we had a conversation approx. 15 / 20 minutes.

during this she stated that can cope with us texting once a day, but is not ready to meet me " at the moment "
( since the week before Christmas we had been seeing each other once a week at her suggestion )

I then sent her my drafted text

" i'm ok. i'm just trying to respect your request to text less.
I've only just seen your last 2 texts. i'm happy to bring over
your books one day next week just let me know "


I'm now more confused than ever. I was trying to let her have her space and also let myself gain some perspective

Is her wanting me to text once a day positive ?
Does "at the moment" - really mean that ?
its SO hard to get context from a text message / phone call when you cant see facial expression

when i'm more " centered " I know its a 10% chance we may get back together and that its more likely she is just pacifying me for now,

then something like this happens and it makes a small spark of hope and sets my emotions racing

comments / suggestions please

[Hissy]

Sort the stuff out and tell her to pick it up while you are at work (assuming she can be trusted) but to post the keys back through the letterbox.

It will signal to her a strength, and a moving on. It will make her think.

That said, she needs to be dumped anyway, she's not good enough and being treated like this is unfair.

[dadneedshelp72]

Hissy

I know I don't need to see her but part of me wants too

She is in a 1 bed flat we have a huge 4 bed house, I have a whole room full of her stuff in boxes.
I cant " dump " her - emotionally I still want her back

[pocketsaviour]

Do you own the house together Dad? If so then there are legal issues with asking for the keys back.

If not, then you are just prolonging the inevitable I'm afraid :(

[DeoGratias]

If you are married and own a house together then either of you and both of you has the right to be in it until any divorce finances are finalised.

The conundrum in these situations is that the less contact the more your wife will get used to being apart and it becomes the norm the longer it goes on and harder to get back. Yet the more contact and feeling you are desperate for her and chasing her the less likely she will start to miss you. Caught between a rock and a hard place. I would try emotionally to try not to be so bothered about it all and try not to read too much into texts and contact with her and get on with the rest of your life. Nor do you have to do exactly what your wife says eg one text a day. Do what you want.

[Hissy]

My love, you have reason to think she's got someone else... That's it, game over.

Ok, ok, let's put that to one side...

She's gone. She left and has gone. That's a decision not taken lightly.

The only way back is to see what she's missing.. See what she's losing... So pull back, detach, move on. Or appear to.

Front it out.

If she realises what she's lost, it shifts the power dynamic gives you a chance to stop running about, lapping up any crumbs of affection she throws your way. Maybe this is what she's tired of?

Be a bit more of a challenge, a bit aloof

If she comes back, smashing

If not, you strengthen yourself.

You're doing the pick me dance. It's a sure fire way of making things worse.

You seeing her is that delicious pain... Like a mouth ulcer. It hurts, but you can't leave it alone.

Let it go, be still, be calm. By all means Grieve the relationship, but know that it wasn't balanced and therefore destructive to your self esteem.

I know how this stuff hurts, my beloved Facebook is regaining me of the wonderful times I was having last year with a man I loved like no other... Until he dumped me.

3 times. Still miss him.

But because he dumped me so badly, even though not a day goes by where he's not in my thoughts, I could never take him back, even if he begged (which he won't)

It's a killer. It hurts.but not forever

You will get past this, whatever happens you'll be ok.

[dadneedshelp72]

ty all

[dadneedshelp72]

part of the problem is she has a HUGE circle of friends that are rallying round and doing all the things that she needs.

There is very little I can do to demonstrate that I am useful to her :-(

[pocketsaviour]

That's not a problem - that's a good thing, if it's stopping you from prostrating yourself even further under her feet with offers of lawn mowing, furniture moving, childcare, lifts, etc. That is the LAST thing you want to do. You need to step back, leave her alone, and concentrate on YOU and your DD. Start doing stuff to take your mind off things and preferably that gives you a long term benefit instead - start working out, start taking long walks with your DD, take an evening course, whatever. It doesn't matter what you do as long as it's something that's a) good for you and b) nothing to do with your ex.

You need to start the process of moving on, because she has. I know it's a really hard thing to have to face. I think the reason you're struggling so much now, is that initially you were telling yourself that she'd be back, and you just kept waiting for her to change her mind, running around at her beck and call, trying to show what a good puppy partner you were.

Now your subconcious has realised that it's all over, and it's damn painful. But your conscious mind needs to take that on board too.