More - Desperate help needed

[dadneedshelp72]

Ty for taking the time to read my post

I posted a thread earlier this week "desperate help needed" , and I received several really helpful responses.

I took the advice and I have been trying harder to give my wife "space"
I have only been texting once a day as originally agreed with her.
( I did have one lapse when there was a LOT of black ice and I text her
" be safe " - to which she later replied i'm at work and ok )

I then decided that I wasn't being fair and perhaps I should just cut all contact for now as she was just replying " yes/ no / ok " to whatever I wrote in my texts.

So yesterday the 14th I did not text her all day I was quite proud of myself and I began to focus more on my daughter and myself.
I had a good evening and did lots of positive things.

Then at lunchtime today I had a text asking " Do you think you will be able to bring over x,y and z next week please "

The text had one kiss at the end.

I looked in my history - sad I know and she had not put a text on the last 15 texts.

My immediate reaction was to text straight back " yes of course "
but I didn't. I thought no I will just text her at 18:00 ish as I had been doing before.

I then received a 2nd text exactly 1 hour later saying
" You ok, or are you not talking to me at all ? "

So I then began to type a response, but before I had drafted it my phone rang and it was my wife.

She then proceeded to ask me the same thing again, and we had a conversation approx. 15 / 20 minutes.

during this she stated that can cope with us texting once a day, but is not ready to meet me " at the moment "
( since the week before Christmas we had been seeing each other once a week at her suggestion )

I then sent her my drafted text

" i'm ok. i'm just trying to respect your request to text less.
I've only just seen your last 2 texts. i'm happy to bring over
your books one day next week just let me know "


I'm now more confused than ever. I was trying to let her have her space and also let myself gain some perspective

Is her wanting me to text once a day positive ?
Does "at the moment" - really mean that ?
its SO hard to get context from a text message / phone call when you cant see facial expression

when i'm more " centered " I know its a 10% chance we may get back together and that its more likely she is just pacifying me for now,

then something like this happens and it makes a small spark of hope and sets my emotions racing

comments / suggestions please

[pocketsaviour]

That's not a problem - that's a good thing, if it's stopping you from prostrating yourself even further under her feet with offers of lawn mowing, furniture moving, childcare, lifts, etc. That is the LAST thing you want to do. You need to step back, leave her alone, and concentrate on YOU and your DD. Start doing stuff to take your mind off things and preferably that gives you a long term benefit instead - start working out, start taking long walks with your DD, take an evening course, whatever. It doesn't matter what you do as long as it's something that's a) good for you and b) nothing to do with your ex.

You need to start the process of moving on, because she has. I know it's a really hard thing to have to face. I think the reason you're struggling so much now, is that initially you were telling yourself that she'd be back, and you just kept waiting for her to change her mind, running around at her beck and call, trying to show what a good puppy partner you were.

Now your subconcious has realised that it's all over, and it's damn painful. But your conscious mind needs to take that on board too.

[dadneedshelp72]

part of the problem is she has a HUGE circle of friends that are rallying round and doing all the things that she needs.

There is very little I can do to demonstrate that I am useful to her :-(

[dadneedshelp72]

ty all

[Hissy]

My love, you have reason to think she's got someone else... That's it, game over.

Ok, ok, let's put that to one side...

She's gone. She left and has gone. That's a decision not taken lightly.

The only way back is to see what she's missing.. See what she's losing... So pull back, detach, move on. Or appear to.

Front it out.

If she realises what she's lost, it shifts the power dynamic gives you a chance to stop running about, lapping up any crumbs of affection she throws your way. Maybe this is what she's tired of?

Be a bit more of a challenge, a bit aloof

If she comes back, smashing

If not, you strengthen yourself.

You're doing the pick me dance. It's a sure fire way of making things worse.

You seeing her is that delicious pain... Like a mouth ulcer. It hurts, but you can't leave it alone.

Let it go, be still, be calm. By all means Grieve the relationship, but know that it wasn't balanced and therefore destructive to your self esteem.

I know how this stuff hurts, my beloved Facebook is regaining me of the wonderful times I was having last year with a man I loved like no other... Until he dumped me.

3 times. Still miss him.

But because he dumped me so badly, even though not a day goes by where he's not in my thoughts, I could never take him back, even if he begged (which he won't)

It's a killer. It hurts.but not forever

You will get past this, whatever happens you'll be ok.

[DeoGratias]

If you are married and own a house together then either of you and both of you has the right to be in it until any divorce finances are finalised.

The conundrum in these situations is that the less contact the more your wife will get used to being apart and it becomes the norm the longer it goes on and harder to get back. Yet the more contact and feeling you are desperate for her and chasing her the less likely she will start to miss you. Caught between a rock and a hard place. I would try emotionally to try not to be so bothered about it all and try not to read too much into texts and contact with her and get on with the rest of your life. Nor do you have to do exactly what your wife says eg one text a day. Do what you want.

[pocketsaviour]

Do you own the house together Dad? If so then there are legal issues with asking for the keys back.

If not, then you are just prolonging the inevitable I'm afraid :(

[dadneedshelp72]

Hissy

I know I don't need to see her but part of me wants too

She is in a 1 bed flat we have a huge 4 bed house, I have a whole room full of her stuff in boxes.
I cant " dump " her - emotionally I still want her back

[Hissy]

Sort the stuff out and tell her to pick it up while you are at work (assuming she can be trusted) but to post the keys back through the letterbox.

It will signal to her a strength, and a moving on. It will make her think.

That said, she needs to be dumped anyway, she's not good enough and being treated like this is unfair.

[Hissy]

You don't need to see her, and she needs to give you your keys back.

Could someone else do he hand over?

I think your too raw atm to pull it off with the dignity and poise you need to have.

[dadneedshelp72]

Hissy - she still has keys so she could pick it up anytime she wanted
for example when i'm at work.

ive resisted so far ( she text at 14:30 )

lets hope that she DOESNT phone so I can text her at 18:00 ish

the problem is that I would like to see her, I know i'm only wounding myself, and its slim that we will repair things but I still love her

[Hissy]

Oh and BE RATIONAL.... :)

You can be sad but still in control of your responses and reactions. This is your life to live the way that makes you happy.

I can't tell you how great you will feel when you've freed yourself of relationships with manipulative and controlling people, when you realise how nice life is without worrying about the whims and foibles of others.

She is taking you for a mug, seriously. If you stood up for yourself more it would (a) make her realise that you're not her pet and (b) stand you in great stead as a partner of someone who IS worthwhile.

It'll help with parenting too tbh.

[Hissy]

The answer is

"Let me know when you want to pick it up and if I'm not around for any reason, I can leave it somewhere for you"

You don't have to make her life easy. If she wants something badly enough, she'll come back for it won't she.

If it's not important, she won't.

But you running around after her will show her that she doesn't have to decide or treat anyone with respect of their time etc.

Do you see what I'm saying here? :)

[dadneedshelp72]

biscuit - ty
HowNotTo - ty

both good responses - when im rational

im worried too much distance will mean we will never be able to repair our relationship

[hownottofuckup]

OK boundaries to protect yourself (bare in mind I have totally failed at this myself!)
Things like,
Only communicate re child care/collecting stuff etc. No chats.
Maintain your own space, I.e your house, which you appear to be doing which is good.
Make your own plans and stick with them, don't cancel plans or go running should she beckon.
Under no circumstances allow yourself at any point to become her emotional support, a shoulder to cry on, don't even lend an ear.
Basically, distance yourself as much as you possibly can. And then distance yourself some more.
Any chance you can afford a bit of counselling? I go every other week and have a slightly reduced rate, many counsellors are happy to negotiate. Have a Google, it's helped me rebuild by self-esteem.

[biscuitz72]

You could always tell her that you're busy (something's come up) and if she wants her stuff she'll have to come and collect it herself (but that's just what I'd do). Seriously though, don't be at her beck and call so much. Back off and let her see what she'll be missing if the separation becomes permanent.

You're doing well, you can hold out! It will get easier.

[dadneedshelp72]

She's just text me to say what day for the stuff - deep breaths I can wait till 18:00 to reply I know I can :-(

[dadneedshelp72]

Well I survived the weekend with NC, but it is causing me a rollercoaster of emotions, one minute i'm fine the next I cant stop crying and the urge to text her becomes SO strong. - I have resisted since that "last" Friday text.

luckily I had a day without my daughter so could sob on Saturday when needed. Daughter and I had a lovely relaxed father daughter day on Sunday just pottering. - I only had 1 meltdown with her on Sunday

Daughter ignored her S.O all day ! it was a miracle

Today i'm back to work and barely holding on :-(

I know when I'm calm that I can just wait, as she wants x,y and z
from "our" house but it does hurt

[JerryFerry]

Yeah I think she's comfortable with having you at her beck and call, presumably it was the dynamic of your relationship.

The only power you have in changing this is to work out your boundaries and try to stick to them e.g. email contact only unless emergency
No running errands for her

In a nutshell, be unavailable and use the time you would have spent worrying about her to start building your own life.

It doesn't sound as you have a lot of self respect but it will come if you work out your boundaries and start sticking to them.

When you are stronger it may be that you do favours for each other but right now it is going to lead to conflict.

[dadneedshelp72]

Howto - explain re boundaries for protecting myself - Sorry brain is foggy

I know it will never be the same :-(

[hownottofuckup]

I mean you need to make your own boundaries to protect yourself

The thing with whether she changes her mind, is whether you will then be happy to pick up the reigns with what you have then, which won't be the same as what you had before. It's never the same.

[dadneedshelp72]

ty - HowNotTo

The question for me is -
Does she not want me now or
does she not want me ever ?
Yes its horrible - when I was widowed I used to mock people that said
" Divorce is worse than bereavement " - now i'm beginning to understand
I DONT think it is worse but I now see why they say it :-(

Boundaries - yes i'm trying really hard to stick to what she asked,
and then she throws me completely by sidestepping them

[Hissy]

You should smile more, with your Dc, it will help you feel better :)

Glad I helped a bit :)

[hownottofuckup]

Sounds like she doesn't want you, but isn't ready to let go of you yet. Horrible position for you to be in. You need boundaries!

[dadneedshelp72]

Hissy - ty you have made me smile for no apparent reason for the first time in a while

Awesome - ty - Time will tell I guess

[Goingtobeawesome]

She's definitely playing with you.

You back off, as she wants, and then she comes running as doesn't like the lack of attention.