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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with husband's emotional affair

63 replies

Kemit · 14/01/2016 17:00

First post about things like this so excuse me if I ramble a bit. So I've been suspecting my husband of cheating on me for a few months, after to be honest years of me not entirely trusting him and the day before New years eve i found evidence of him being in secret contact with an ex girlfriend he'd got back in touch with via....yes you guessed it Facebook.

It all blew up and he said he didn't love me, wanted a divorce, hadn't been happy for years, thought he loved her etc. The next day he changed his tune. Lets stay together and try to work things out, I'm not really in love with her (they apparently mainly corresponded via phone and FB, met up twice briefly and only kissed - I do believe him), I was angry, I don't really want a divorce, we owe it to the kids to make a go of things etc etc. This was two weeks ago.

Since then I know he has been in contact with her - through spying on him and via his own admissions but from what I can tell they have both decided to end it, she's gone back with her ex boyfriend (whilst still telling my husband he's the love of her life and would drop everything for him - my husband seems to totally buy into this and keeps saying to me that there's 'a lot of history between them' blah blah') and I think my husband is trying to make an effort with us.

I am trying to rise above it and see it as a silly romantic notion of a man in a midlife crisis (?!) and it will all blow over eventually, but at the same time I am really struggling with my self esteem and trusting him.

Self esteem wise I feel like he is settling for me, I can't compete with this fantasy emotional affair - married life with 2 young kids is pretty bloody dull compared to that and also I'm questioning the core of our relationship. I knew we had a few issues but I honestly believed it was down to the stresses of having a young family and that we'd pull through it, I thought we had something special but now I'm questioning it. I feel like the boring doormat wife at home - even though I am far from that person, it's how I'm feeling right now.

Regarding trusting him, I have always thought him to be quite secretive (passwords on phone, computer etc) and have since found out that he has 2 other facebook accounts! They seem to be inactive apart from him searching for old girlfriends - one of them he went on as recently as this weekend and searched for the emotional affair person.

Apart from all this, he is having classic signs of midlife crisis (he's mid 40s) so should i just put it all down to that and get on with being me, ignore all this?

Thoughts please and sorry for confused rambling

OP posts:
Original poster
Kemit · 14/01/2016 20:23

I know that feeling. I've lost half a stone and crashed my car twice in two weeks! I have contacted relate and considering going alone. He won't go of course.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/01/2016 20:24

OP... I'm very sorry but, while you continue to back down from what you say, you will not get what you want. What you will get is more of the same contempt and mistreatment of you. You call his bluff and then YOU back down. Why would you do that? You knew that he was lying and eventually confessed it to you. What are his consequences? None.

What he will most likely do is set HIS ducks in a row, working out just how far he can go that you will put up with. Do you know where that point actually is? If not then how will you know when you've had enough of this horrible lack of respect for you and your children.

Whilst you cling on to him so hard for the sake of your children - and yourself - you do everything to make sure that he will never stop behaving as he wants to, seeing whom he wants to and just carrying on as he likes. I don't know why you are so terrified of losing your cheater of a husband but that fear is what is keeping you shackled to him AS HE IS.

stumblymonkey · 14/01/2016 20:36

I'm afraid if our marriage was on the line and DP refused to take part in marriage counselling I would walk away...to me it is disrespectful to not put in the effort to make the marriage work.

12purpleapples · 14/01/2016 20:40

Your situation sounds intolerable. You deserve better than someone that you think is settling for you, and has done nothing here to help you feel better. If you end it at least you can start to work on getting over that and hopefully the anxiety and fear of the unknown will lessen.
I delayed ending my relationship because of anxiety about the children etc, but now that its done I'm convinced that that wasn't a good thing to feel anxious about - children are genuinely better off if you are happier and feeling stronger.

Original poster
Kemit · 14/01/2016 21:08

I do worry what sort of message I'm giving my two girls...tho they're too young to understand now, I'm sure they'll pick up on stuff. The crazy thing is, in other parts of my life I'm actually really confident and outgoing. He just seems to have this hold over me. Maybe I'm just really bad at dealing with relationships! I've defended my mum for years when other people have pointed out her faults to me. I just try to see everyone's side of the story I suppose. I'm not the easiest person to deal with and have been guilty of putting my husband down, being disrespectful to him at times. He moved away from his family and friends to be with me and then had to build up his business. I was the main bread winner for years and he had to put his business on hold to do the childcare, which he found quite hard. He's quite old school in that way, albeit a brilliant dad and very hands on. He misses his home a lot and has his own self-esteem issues, struggles with low moods. And before anyone jumps down my throat, im not defending him, just giving some perspective.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/01/2016 21:10

if you think that respondents have been or are going to "jump down your throat" why are you posting here ? Confused

Original poster
Kemit · 14/01/2016 21:14

How is that comment helpful?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/01/2016 21:18

You are rebutting any of us giving our opinion before we even give it.

How is that helpful ?

ImperialBlether · 14/01/2016 21:19

How he is as a dad is a separate matter to how he is as a husband. I'm sure he would be horrified in the future if your daughter told him her husband was lying and unfaithful and blaming her.

You have a choice in the way you live. You can't change him. There's nothing about anything you've said that makes me think he'll change.

And sometimes, just sometimes, your own mood is affected by living with a liar and a cheat. For them to turn that against you is totally unfair.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/01/2016 21:21

Kemit... If and when you start being actually angry with the shoddy way you are being treated and when you actually register that yes, the message that you give your girls is vital and you refuse to pander to the 'hold over you' view anymore, you will hopefully see that these comments are loving and meant respectfully to you so that you wake up.

You sound very much as if you wanted hand patting and commiserations and a 'boys will be boys' outlook but you won't get that here. Not one poster wants to see you continue to be treated the way you are being treated.

For the record, AnyFucker really does know her stuff. If I was going through what you are, knowing her as I do from this board, I would be taking her very good, straight advice, as unpalatable as it may be when all you want is soothing.

Soothing will not help you now, soothing can come afterwards when that is truly what you need. Now you need to be strong for your girls and make sure that they have a decent role model to follow.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2016 21:26

Kemit, you are getting angry at the wrong people

Your husband is the one you should be closing down, not listing his attributes here (that in no way make up for the shitty way he has treated you) and making excuses for him. You are doing his dirty work for him...blaming yourself and "circumstances" for the poor choices he has made is playing right into his hands

he will have you on your knees asking for another chance before you know it when he is the one that has thrown away your marriage and rocked the stability of his daughter's world. Where is your self respect ?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/01/2016 21:28

ImperialBlether's point about his conduct as a dad being separate to that of being a husband is a very valid one, Kemit. If you do separate from this man and he is currently an excellent dad - there is no reason to suppose that he won't continue being an excellent dad - if he loves his children.

It's how he's treating you that you need to be concerned with really. Are you really ok to let him carry on? At the moment, this is the message that he's getting from you.

LeaLeander · 14/01/2016 21:29

What are the ages of your children?

Original poster
Kemit · 14/01/2016 21:30

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond to my post. My comment about 'jumping down my throat' was a throw away comment based on people previously misunderstanding my analysis of why I was paranoid before this happened. It's difficult to explain the ins and outs of everything that happens/has happened via a forum like this, so I'm trying to give some perspective. As I've said before, for me things aren't so black and white as they are for some people. We are all different and have different views on things and that is reflected in the varying comments above, all of which have given me a lot to think about

OP posts:
Original poster
Kemit · 14/01/2016 21:35

My children are 3 and 8

OP posts:
Original poster
Kemit · 14/01/2016 21:36

And I didn't post on here with any expectations of the sort of response I was going to get

OP posts:
Louboutin37 · 14/01/2016 21:58

You have two very clear choices here.... You can drag your arse through another 18 months -2 years of listening to bullshit, reassurances, taking the emotional blackmail and questioning your own sanity whilst crying every single day and watching your self confidence wash down the drain and one day, if you're lucky you might look in the mirror and wonder who is looking back at you.

Or, you can pull yourself together right now, save yourself the pain of lying to your friends and family, and tell the ignorant, cheating, arrogant wotsit to pack his bags and leave now. Because no loving human being behaves like this.

By the way, I did the first option and it nearly destroyed me. Now 4 years post break up I'm doing more than fine thank you very much, and I'm seeing life and everyone in it in a totally different light.

And if that isn't enough, remember that when he cheated on you he cheated on his kids too. I hope that gives you some perspective on what you're dealing with.

Good luck, don't be the patient pick me tit that was me X

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 14/01/2016 22:04

Kemit He is only saying what will get him a comfortable life. He does not give the tiniest of shits about you and your DC.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2016 22:06

have you seen the pick me dance on the fantastic site Chump Lady?

It's not a choice between Posh / Rebecca Loos. There is a middle ground and it involves finding yourself not compromising your own values and minimising the shit he has done to you (and continues to do to you)

Both of those women lost their dignity. For a man.

One man. Confused

No man is worth that. That is the best lesson you can give your daughters.

Zorigami · 14/01/2016 22:24

He said that there was history between them. Isee where you are coming from Kemit but there also has to be a moment when the brakes are put on and he faces up to his responsibilities as your DH if he doesnt want to be talking about your history as opposed to living your future where you ate both happy. Being an honest facing up to his responsibilities as your physical and emotional partner doesnt detract from his parenting abilities. Basically, he needs to show you some respect.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2016 22:26

This man won't show kemit any respect if she carries on minimising what he has done. Why would he ?

Christinayangstwistedsista · 14/01/2016 22:29

Why do you think he set up two secret Facebook accounts? Do you think that is normal?

He is a liar and very manipulative, you said that when you called his bluff he changed his mind and stayed, he was trying to back you into a corner

There are always reason why people stay in an unhappy situation...the kids, the house, exams...but the problems do not go away, instead you waste more of your life and lose more of yourself

This man was planning to leave you for some else, really what more is there to say

Christinayangstwistedsista · 14/01/2016 22:30

Why do you believe they met briefly and only kissed?

CityMole · 14/01/2016 23:02

I don't doubt that he makes a delightful father, but he patently makes a thoroughly dreadful husband. He lies to you, dumps you, then retracts it, and, knowing that his marriage is on the line, he continues with deceitful behaviour, trying to get his end away outside of the marriage.
I'm struggling to see a happy ending for this relationship unless you are able to stand up for yourself, and he is able to, genuinely, redeem himself and restore your faith in him. That would require him to respect you above all else and, sadly, his behaviour does not indicate that he has much respect for you or your marriage.
Relate can be very helpful, even on your own.

honeyroar · 14/01/2016 23:53

Poor you OP, he sounds a nightmare. Not only has he lied and lied, but he won't consider going to relate with you and he twists things to make you feel bad (snooping). He won't do anything to make you feel better or save this marriage. What have you actually got to fight for? Not a great deal. :-( You'd be better kicking him out and giving yourself a chance of a decent relationship. You deserve so much better.

Unless he was bending over backwards to make things up and get the marriage back I'd not be interested. Just because you have kids together doesn't mean you deserve to be a doormat for life.