Struggling with husband's emotional affair

[Kemit]

First post about things like this so excuse me if I ramble a bit. So I've been suspecting my husband of cheating on me for a few months, after to be honest years of me not entirely trusting him and the day before New years eve i found evidence of him being in secret contact with an ex girlfriend he'd got back in touch with via....yes you guessed it Facebook.

It all blew up and he said he didn't love me, wanted a divorce, hadn't been happy for years, thought he loved her etc. The next day he changed his tune. Lets stay together and try to work things out, I'm not really in love with her (they apparently mainly corresponded via phone and FB, met up twice briefly and only kissed - I do believe him), I was angry, I don't really want a divorce, we owe it to the kids to make a go of things etc etc. This was two weeks ago.

Since then I know he has been in contact with her - through spying on him and via his own admissions but from what I can tell they have both decided to end it, she's gone back with her ex boyfriend (whilst still telling my husband he's the love of her life and would drop everything for him - my husband seems to totally buy into this and keeps saying to me that there's 'a lot of history between them' blah blah') and I think my husband is trying to make an effort with us.

I am trying to rise above it and see it as a silly romantic notion of a man in a midlife crisis (?!) and it will all blow over eventually, but at the same time I am really struggling with my self esteem and trusting him.

Self esteem wise I feel like he is settling for me, I can't compete with this fantasy emotional affair - married life with 2 young kids is pretty bloody dull compared to that and also I'm questioning the core of our relationship. I knew we had a few issues but I honestly believed it was down to the stresses of having a young family and that we'd pull through it, I thought we had something special but now I'm questioning it. I feel like the boring doormat wife at home - even though I am far from that person, it's how I'm feeling right now.

Regarding trusting him, I have always thought him to be quite secretive (passwords on phone, computer etc) and have since found out that he has 2 other facebook accounts! They seem to be inactive apart from him searching for old girlfriends - one of them he went on as recently as this weekend and searched for the emotional affair person.

Apart from all this, he is having classic signs of midlife crisis (he's mid 40s) so should i just put it all down to that and get on with being me, ignore all this?

Thoughts please and sorry for confused rambling

[Inertia]

The more you demonstrate to him that he can get away with all this behaviour with absolutely no consequences, the further he'll push the boundary. It's like you're attempting to train a dog using a strategy of rewarding unwanted behaviour. At the moment he sees that his lying, cheating, accusations of snooping and declaring love for other all just make you behave in a more compliant and pleading manner - of course he's going to continue shagging around (sorry, just kissing) for as long as knows it keeps you scared and in check.

Why are you taking relationships advice from your lying cheating mother?

[Kemit]

Thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not the only reason

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

OP I just wanted to put in my two penneth regarding a man I knew who had an affair because something you said about your husband rang alarm bells for me. My example was my teacher and I was his (teenage) affair partner. It is a long, horrible and abusive story which I won't bore you with but he eventually reconciled with his wife after treated both her and me appallingly (I'm talking the works from plain old disrespect to some good old fashioned beatings).

I could not for the life of me understand by the end why she took him back- he had arguably treated her even worse than he treated me. I outright asked her one day some years on why she bad take him back and her main reason was that he had moved to the place we all lived, far from his home, and been left lonely and sad as a result. I found that excuse for his absolutely appalling behaviour laughable. If you're lonely, you should be talking to your partner about it, not sniffing around someone else and lying.

[JimmyChoosChimichanga]

Please don't sell yourself short for someone not worth it OP. Life's too short!

[AnyFucker]

If you think he could still be lying about any of this, how do you stay ?

Genuine question.

[Kemit]

I'm not pretending anything. They had a relationship previously and she's clearly desperate for love, considering she has now gone back with her ex. I'm not stupid, I know he's a liar so could be lying about that also

[smallfry16]

tell him to leave. he will only do it again.

[smallfry16]

They only kissed but she says he's the love of her life? of course they had an affair and sex. Good lord.

you are pretending otherwise.

[AnyFucker]

Yep, looks like he may be falling from that pedestal you had him on. Good for you.

Also, he might be going through a "phase" that you could wait out ? And in the meantime he treats you like shit and shows your kids how men are allowed to be rubbish and women make excuses for them. Toddlers have "phases to wait out". Not grown men. Don't infantilise him...he makes his own destiny and he is fully in control of it. What he did and what he does in the future is completely his choice

[hownottofuckup]

It's a kick in the teeth when you finally face up to the fact that your relationship actually isn't 'anything special' after all it really is.

I came up with all sorts of reasons as to why he treated me like he didn't love me, I've now faced up to the fact that it was simply because he didn't love me. Wish I'd pulled my head out the sand years ago. I was too scared.

Well done OP you sound like you are making good progress. Keep going.

[Kemit]

Thanks again everyone for their time to post. I really appreciate it. Since lying to me last night I have questioned (in my head) the whole relationship and what I actually want for my future and my girls' future in terms of the way they form relationships. I actually do feel differently about him now, I'm starting to wonder who he exactly is and whether he will ever change. He is certainly showing signs of a mid-life crisis, reliving his youth, questioning his future and what he wants from it. So part of me is wondering if this is just a phase but a new part of me is thinking that perhaps he's always been like this but I've been too busy with the kids to notice or too blindly 'in love' with him to care. Although there have been several times over the years where I've thought why the fuck am I married to this man, I've swept those feelings under the carpet probably for fear of losing what we have built up together. I guess now is the time for both of us to decide what we want...previously it was all about what he wanted, now it's me deciding what I want also. I insisting he come completely clean with me about everything before I decide how to proceed and then we'll take it from there. I have stopped the 'hysterical bonding' and 'pick me dance'. I realise I need some self respect but as others have pointed out, in this situation, your fear influences the way you deal with it. Now I'm not so afraid of losing him because I'm not actually sure I'll be losing anything that special.

[MultishirkingAgain]

married life with 2 young kids is pretty bloody dull compared to that and also I'm questioning the core of our relationship. I knew we had a few issues but I honestly believed it was down to the stresses of having a young family and that we'd pull through it

If this is what he thinks about family life, then he's NOT a good father (and an appalling husband). My father did this - retreated from busy family life to the fantasy of affairs with unmarried, childfree women. Basically from when I was about 2, and my next sibling just born. My mother stayed - in those days it felt impossible to think of doing anything else.

She spent the rest of their marriage moving between being a martyr and doing what I now know is the 'pick me dance.'

It is not a healthy environment for raising children, particularly girls. A man who does not take responsibility for his children by retreating from the family and the marriage is not a good father.

[Muldjewangk]

It may appear OP that MNs are quick to say LTB but many would have been in your position at some stage of their lives. Why they say don't give him any more chances are because they can see he is a cheater and a liar ie 'they only kissed,' what about the other FB accounts. What else is he lying about? OP you will go through the same scenario time and time again with him, he won't change.

What you could be doing instead of the pick me dance is setting yourself up ready to leave when the time is right for you. It doesn't have to be today or next week, just know that there is a great chance you will one day see your h is just not worth a minute more of your time. He can still be a great dad to your DC but he will never be a great husband to you. He has already shown you what he is, believe him!

[honeyroar]

Poor you OP, he sounds a nightmare. Not only has he lied and lied, but he won't consider going to relate with you and he twists things to make you feel bad (snooping). He won't do anything to make you feel better or save this marriage. What have you actually got to fight for? Not a great deal. :-( You'd be better kicking him out and giving yourself a chance of a decent relationship. You deserve so much better.

Unless he was bending over backwards to make things up and get the marriage back I'd not be interested. Just because you have kids together doesn't mean you deserve to be a doormat for life.

[CityMole]

I don't doubt that he makes a delightful father, but he patently makes a thoroughly dreadful husband. He lies to you, dumps you, then retracts it, and, knowing that his marriage is on the line, he continues with deceitful behaviour, trying to get his end away outside of the marriage.
I'm struggling to see a happy ending for this relationship unless you are able to stand up for yourself, and he is able to, genuinely, redeem himself and restore your faith in him. That would require him to respect you above all else and, sadly, his behaviour does not indicate that he has much respect for you or your marriage.
Relate can be very helpful, even on your own.

[Christinayangstwistedsista]

Why do you believe they met briefly and only kissed?

[Christinayangstwistedsista]

Why do you think he set up two secret Facebook accounts? Do you think that is normal?

He is a liar and very manipulative, you said that when you called his bluff he changed his mind and stayed, he was trying to back you into a corner

There are always reason why people stay in an unhappy situation...the kids, the house, exams...but the problems do not go away, instead you waste more of your life and lose more of yourself

This man was planning to leave you for some else, really what more is there to say

[AnyFucker]

This man won't show kemit any respect if she carries on minimising what he has done. Why would he ?

[Zorigami]

He said that there was history between them. Isee where you are coming from Kemit but there also has to be a moment when the brakes are put on and he faces up to his responsibilities as your DH if he doesnt want to be talking about your history as opposed to living your future where you ate both happy. Being an honest facing up to his responsibilities as your physical and emotional partner doesnt detract from his parenting abilities. Basically, he needs to show you some respect.

[AnyFucker]

have you seen the pick me dance on the fantastic site Chump Lady?

It's not a choice between Posh / Rebecca Loos. There is a middle ground and it involves finding yourself not compromising your own values and minimising the shit he has done to you (and continues to do to you)

Both of those women lost their dignity. For a man.

One man.

No man is worth that. That is the best lesson you can give your daughters.

[JimmyChoosChimichanga]

Kemit He is only saying what will get him a comfortable life. He does not give the tiniest of shits about you and your DC.

[Louboutin37]

You have two very clear choices here.... You can drag your arse through another 18 months -2 years of listening to bullshit, reassurances, taking the emotional blackmail and questioning your own sanity whilst crying every single day and watching your self confidence wash down the drain and one day, if you're lucky you might look in the mirror and wonder who is looking back at you.

Or, you can pull yourself together right now, save yourself the pain of lying to your friends and family, and tell the ignorant, cheating, arrogant wotsit to pack his bags and leave now. Because no loving human being behaves like this.

By the way, I did the first option and it nearly destroyed me. Now 4 years post break up I'm doing more than fine thank you very much, and I'm seeing life and everyone in it in a totally different light.

And if that isn't enough, remember that when he cheated on you he cheated on his kids too. I hope that gives you some perspective on what you're dealing with.

Good luck, don't be the patient pick me tit that was me X

[Kemit]

And I didn't post on here with any expectations of the sort of response I was going to get

[Kemit]

My children are 3 and 8

[Kemit]

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond to my post. My comment about 'jumping down my throat' was a throw away comment based on people previously misunderstanding my analysis of why I was paranoid before this happened. It's difficult to explain the ins and outs of everything that happens/has happened via a forum like this, so I'm trying to give some perspective. As I've said before, for me things aren't so black and white as they are for some people. We are all different and have different views on things and that is reflected in the varying comments above, all of which have given me a lot to think about