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Original poster

Anyone left marriage after affair only to be 'dumped' by OM

115 replies

allymcbeal1 · 14/01/2016 16:13

I had an affair with a divorced man who said he wanted me to be free before seeing me again (early November). I fell in love and believed him when he said he felt the same. The affair made me realise my marriage was over. I duly stated divorce proceedings and taking him at his word and now after letting him know this (that I am now separated) he has gone completely silent and won't return my text/call. This was a month ago. Anyone been in this situation? I feel so stupid but do know divorce is the right thing for a range of other reasons I won't go into.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/01/2016 10:35

Another fist bump for GutInstinct's very salient and thought-provoking thread.

PrincessBooBoo, what a spiteful post from you. What did you contribute to this thread other than that pathetic and misplaced happiness in another person's sadness? What a lot it says about you as a person.

AndYourBirdCanSing · 15/01/2016 10:57

I wish you lots of luck OP. You have been treated terribly by two different men and it is now time for you to focus on making yourself happy.

You don't have to justify your emotional affair to anyone on here but I can't believe some of the narrow minded rubbish spouted on this thread. Life is NOT that black and white. I think it's pretty understandable to reach out to someone else after going through what you did with your husband. You owed him nothing. Your happiness comes first.

Onwards and upwards Flowers

IrianofWay · 15/01/2016 11:15

Your sounds pretty unpleasant. Look at the end of your marriage as a positive thing regardless.

The OM? Maybe he liked you better when you were unattainable.Maybe he was using your marriage as an excuse to end things. Maybe he did want to be with you but he found someone else in the meantime. Maybe he lost his phone...... maybe, maybe..... in the end do you want to be hitched to someone so flaky as you embark on your new life.

Good luck xx

TheTigerIsOut · 15/01/2016 11:40

I won't judge you. My exh had an affair and that was the best thing that could have happened, it freed us from a bad marriage. And I'm pretty sure the affair happened because neither if us liked the other very much anymore. We were just pretending to be the happy couple (as hundreds of married people do) even when we could barely stand each other.

There will come a time when you will see all this as a blessing. You have left an unfulfilling relationship and managed to escape (by chance) a pretty nasty person.

As some others have said, you will grow a hundredfold iver the next few years, will find yourself again and find a strength you never thought you had.

It us normal that you feel sad and miserable about the OM, but hang in there, you will come out of it a better, happier and stronger person.

ohtheholidays · 15/01/2016 11:57

I'm so sorry for all the crap you've been put through OP by your ex and the OM.I hope you move forward and find someone genuine who loves and respects you as much as you love and respect them.

I would never judge you as none of us are perfect Flowers

Sophia1984 · 15/01/2016 21:21

In my case it wasn't an affair, but I kissed someone on my post-graduate course when I was in a 9-year relationship with my ex (we lived together). I told him the next day, but continued to talk to the other man by text. He implied something might happen if I were single but didn't want to be the reason for us to split up. I split up with ex, turned out the other guy had got a new girlfriend over the Christmas holidays and didn't even have the guts to tell me. Regardless, it was completely the right thing to do; I hadn't been happy for a long time and needed a shove. Ex is now happily married with a lovely house and baby, and I am happy with my partner, who I met 9 months later once I had got the crazy out of my system. (OM is also still with the girl he got together with!) Shit happens; people fall out of love and fall for other people. When I left my ex I felt utterly lost (especially as I didn't have the relationship with OM to fall into) but also utterly free, and it was the best decision I ever made. Wishing you the best of luck x

Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 15/01/2016 21:52

Thanks Sophia- we had a very intense relationship talking about the future ,marriage,babies everything...know that my marriage isn't working but at moment trying to grieve for 2 relationships. Good to hear your story and that positive outcomes are possible x

OP posts:
crazyhead · 16/01/2016 10:24

I'm sorry OP. It is common. But this man provided with what you needed - a crutch to leave a horrible relationship. I promise you that in a few years, you'll see he's given you what you needed again - the possibility of space to heal and start a new relationship in a much better place than now.

SoupDragon · 16/01/2016 10:28

Two wrongs don't make a right.

However, at least you are now out of your marriage, well shot of your H and can start making a new life for yourself.

Squeegle · 16/01/2016 10:39

Ally, I'm sorry that you are going through this. He sounds a bit of an "Emotionally unavailable" one . He was able to have all those conversations while he was safely not having to make any real commitment,
But it's his loss. Sounds like he was a good incentive to get out of your marriage where you were treated badly. You've done it! Well done.

And now you can live your life and maybe, who knows, be free to meet someone who is not an emotional coward. Flowers. Sorry you feel bad, but keep the faith, things will improve.

Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 16/01/2016 12:36

He said we couldn't be friends as the attraction was getting too much. He said I should make the decision to leave marriage on basis of how I felt day before we met. He said he wanted me to be free (divorced not separated) so we could date properly. But that was a loads of lies obvs or he couldn't go through with it. I have been gullible haven't I? And have got incredibly hurt in the process. Still struggling with getting over OM x

OP posts:
Madbengalmum · 16/01/2016 12:44

Again lots of ignorant individuals plling on their judgey pants today!

OP, just thank him for making you do therght thing and get out of a bad relationship. Now you are free to go whichever route works for you. Good luck!

Rella1965 · 16/01/2016 14:55

Some people have very narrow minds... Are all these people thinking if you have an affair there always has to be sex involved? That's not always true. You sound like you're best out of your marriage. Look at it as a fresh start and don't text the OT. Good luck you!!!

SoConfused15 · 16/01/2016 15:02

OP you have done exactly what is always advised on this board to someone in your position. if you fall for someone else, leave your marriage and let your ex-partner be free to find someone who really loves them.

So I'm not sure why people are jumping in to give you a hard time. It's as if they just like giving someone a kicking for the sake of it.

Sorry that the OM was not the person you thought he was. But better to find out sooner then later. I hope you have some really good mates in real life who are there for you. Surround yourself with people who care about you and be careful you don't rebound straight back to your ex.

crazyhead · 16/01/2016 15:21

It is really tough to make a brave decision to leave and then be rejected while your defences are low. The trouble is that emotionally, people like your OM tend to be attracted to complex situations like yours when they are in a muddle themselves, either permanently or temporarily. Quite possibly, this man did not intend to hurt you or deceive you.

I think you should recognise that your intense feelings about the OM at the moment are highly likely to mask a mixture of emotions about the ending of your marriage and the life you had for all that time as well as your feelings for the OM himself. You've not had any time to grieve for the failure of your marriage, which though it didn't work and was unpleasant, represented a chunk of your life.

This sounds like an absolute cliche but focus on yourself and do gentle, fun things that reconnect you to your interests. You may very differently in a year.

I say this from experience, I too left a LTR relationship when I got involved with another man, but landed up single. It was incredibly painful but I learnt from it and am so much happier now.

1DAD2KIDS · 16/01/2016 16:41

As a man who has been on the receiving end it is not very nice. I am not sure how your ex felt about you but I loved my ex wife with all my heart. We had what I thought was a good marriage and I always loved her. But she was always looking for something more I think. Now lives her new life and me and the kids crack on. I talk to her a lot and I think she is more unhappy than before. But I am not going to have a go because I don't know you or the state of relationship. I suppose as they say you made your bed. Regardless of right or wrong (we all have different moral compasses) all you can do is try and live your life the best you can and hopefully learn some lessons along the way. Sometimes we can make mistakes that cant be repaired. Only time will tell if it works out for the best or not.

Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 16/01/2016 16:58

Thanks everyone! Appreciate all the views.

OP posts:
KacieB · 16/01/2016 17:15

1dad - I hope I don't sound like a total arse here, but it could really help to read a full thread where the op says (for example) "my husband has been serially unfaithful" .... and not just project your feelings out there about your ex and your marriage.

1DAD2KIDS · 16/01/2016 18:06

Your not being an arse. That is a fair point. I missed that, my bad. I suppose its an obvious point but all you can do is try live your life the best as what done is done now.

Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 16/01/2016 19:10

Hi everyone, seriously getting over OM is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Please don't judge and try and understand that until you have lived in another's shoes it is hard to understand. Yes a few years ago I was smug in my seemingly perfect marriage bubble but the facade fell down. I felt I would never do this and I would never do that but sometimes things happen and you can make mistakes the only thing you can do is learn from them.

OP posts:
Rellax · 16/01/2016 19:58

Yes I think you're totally spot on there. Until someone has experienced it they will never really know what they would do. Been there myself

IonaNE · 16/01/2016 20:27

What Jan45 said.

Glad there are some people who understand that life is actually difficult
OP, it is not only your life that is "actually difficult". But some manage without having affairs regardless.

Squeegle · 17/01/2016 06:42

Oh iona, why not try a little empathy? Sometimes a bit of kindness can help us all.

sotiredofthis1 · 17/01/2016 07:12

OP, it is not only your life that is "actually difficult". But some manage without having affairs regardless.

If your husband has been using escorts for years surely you are entitled to do what you like as there is no marriage there to speak of Angry.

OP I am sorry you have been left by the OM and I wish you all the best Flowers.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/01/2016 08:28

How truly is it said, you can help what you do but you can't help what you feel. It's not temptation that is the sin, but giving in to temptation. I also think if you already knew your H had been shagging around before you fell for OM it's really a bit unfair for people to frown at you. The vows had already been broken by him so IMO all bets are off.

Mind you I did have something rather akin to an emotional affair which was the catalyst for leaving my extremely unsatisfactory marriage, so maybe I can't talk. (To be fair, I never actually met the bloke, and strongly suspect that if I had I would not have done anything with him. But who knows?)