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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can you ever make a go of things

27 replies

babycow38 · 13/01/2016 23:35

I have posted before, my OH went with OW and it turned my life upsidedown, i left with my two kids, they went through hell, we lived in a rented house that wasnt ours, it wasnt thier bedrooms, it wasnt home, they were failing at school. i have recently took my partner back, i moved back with the girls, into what i consider my family home. The trouble is i am much,MUCH harder now, i would never move out again, i will never put up with a prick who was unfaithfull, but as much as the girl;s are happy i feel pissed off, i have made him pay, he cant do enough for me, goes out of his way to "make up" for shagging someoneelse, i still have this icy hatred for him.

OP posts:
Sleepingbunnies · 13/01/2016 23:37

How can you have a relationship if you have icy hatred for him?!

AnyFucker · 13/01/2016 23:38

What a beautiful love story SadHmm

Wouldn't you be happier without him?. This is no way to live.

mum2mum99 · 13/01/2016 23:40

It sounds it is more about the house and your DDs. What about you? Is your happiness not worth anything?

Original poster
babycow38 · 13/01/2016 23:43

I know, but my children were distraught when we split, sorry when thier Dad fucked around, i did everything to help them, but the sad fact is they are so much happier now we are back together,

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/01/2016 23:44

They might think they are happier but this is a terrible example for them about how relationships are meant to work.

janaus · 13/01/2016 23:47

I know how you are feeling. Similar situation here, although we are older, with adult children. I didnt move out but moved into separate bedrooms for 8 weeks, We have both agreed to try, date nights, do nice things for each other, no secrets, etc. Its OK, DH has been good, but my mood swings are terrible, one day I can't do enough, but others I know the hatred and suspicions are still there. Just little things trigger what has happened. I do think with counselling, I can overcome this. We have had so many good times, and have a good life. I have also made a promise to reconnect and try.
I wish you all the best, sometimes just talking and asking questions helps.
I guess we will never understand "why" these men are prepared to risk a good marriage.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 13/01/2016 23:50

Oh that's just great. You're going to to teach them that men are untrustworthy and must be tortured for it, and that it's their job to martyr themselves as well.

Where do you think the inhabitants of Stately Homes come from?

PassTheWench · 13/01/2016 23:50

It seems you might have salvaged the pieces of this relationship solely for the girls. While I understand this May seem like the best option, living in close quarters with someone you have an 'Icy hatred' for is going to be very bad for you mentally. No one can benefit in the long term as the atmosphere will be toxic (the dc are sure to feel it); your hatred will not turn to love so you are denying yourself happiness and dp will never be able to really get you back. Are you sure this is what you want?

Original poster
babycow38 · 13/01/2016 23:51

what i am trying to say is , when i read all the heartbreaking posts from women who have been shafted by cruel men, i know because ive been there, the kids hurt the most, mine did, if i could go back in time i would NOT have left, i would have kicked him out, but i was vunrelble, not on the mortgage, no claim to anything, i want other women in this situation to dig in, DO NOT move out,

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 13/01/2016 23:51

PS: He is, of course, a complete bellend for cheating.

mum2mum99 · 13/01/2016 23:58

If you were able to access good housing, would you still be with him?

Original poster
babycow38 · 14/01/2016 00:00

And also, okay i am not happy, i have lots of resentment towards him, i accept that, that is what i had to accept when i moved back in, BUT my children got thier bedroom back, they visably relaxed, they stopped stressing, i will pretend for as lon as it takes if it means my kids are alright

OP posts:
mum2mum99 · 14/01/2016 00:03

Can you kick him out?

Original poster
babycow38 · 14/01/2016 00:13

Mumm2mum, yes you are absolutely right, i had to go to private housing, i couldnt afford it, my kids had to share a bedroom, it had wet rot and mould and i couldnt even afford that! they are so much happier now, and i do think about what i am giving them, as a role model thanks Mumsnet

OP posts:
Original poster
babycow38 · 14/01/2016 00:17

And thanks Any Fucker, do you come on here to help or just to make OPs feel worse,strewth x

OP posts:
PassTheWench · 14/01/2016 00:19

Is the house jointly owned? Is there anything you can do to put a clear plan on place to protect you and the dc's financially should the relationship become too much again?

Original poster
babycow38 · 14/01/2016 00:43

No he owns the house, thats why i moved out with the girls, worst thing i ever did

OP posts:
Original poster
babycow38 · 14/01/2016 01:15

i hope somebody hellpdn, i want to kill myself

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 14/01/2016 01:19

Insist he puts you on the deeds as a condition of trying again.

Then when the icy hatred gets too much, kick him out.

kittybiscuits · 14/01/2016 06:08

This ^

12purpleapples · 14/01/2016 06:24

This sounds terrible. Hopefully it doesn't take you too long to secure your housing situation so that you don't have to live with someone you hate.

Jan45 · 14/01/2016 14:10

Big mistake OP, you should not have went back - I hope you get away and are able to start again without him.

Your kids will be fine, as long as they see both of you, they are resilient, people split all the time and the kids survive.

I think you went back too quick, you don't even like him and who could blame you.

It's a stress for anyone that moves, kids too but we all adjust and get on with it and yes sometimes you have to make sacrifices to be happy and may not have the big house and money you had before.

TheTigerIsOut · 14/01/2016 14:19

I think you are not alone at staying for the so called "sake" of the children. But in reality you kniw that you are back because you are afraid of being poor.

Living with someone you hate to afford a certain standard of living is NOT a good example for the children. I understand your predicament but.., if I were you, I would channel the energy from that hate, into doing something productive to get financially independent and able to kick him out asap.

TheTigerIsOut · 14/01/2016 14:20

Having said that... i just jumped into the void as I couldn't bear spending the rest of my life with the exh. i have no regrets, it is difficult at times, but bothh DS and I are much much happier.

Joysmum · 14/01/2016 17:01

You're going to to teach them that men are untrustworthy and must be tortured for it, and that it's their job to martyr themselves as well

Exactly that.

Do you want placating when your children are being affected long term for the sake of their short term happiness or would you rather know that either way, they'll be affected so you might as well be happy as that lessens the damage.

Play martyr if you want but don't expect everyone to think you're doing the right thing for it.