My mum thinks that just because she helps out I don't have any rights to challenge her .

[maggiethemagpie]

I've never had a great relationship with my mum, but in recent years since having kids she has been a lot more involved in my life. She has my daughter once a week, which is probably more for her benefit than ours as my partner is a SAHD so we don't need childcare. She will also come round and help clean the house, which I think she does in order to feel useful and needed, as we've never asked her to do this she just offers. ( actually she says she does it as she doesn't want her grandchildren living in a dirty house).

Also she is quite well off and has given money towards my wedding and towards the house in the past, again all offered not demanded by me.

But she seems to think this gives her the right to tell me what to do, she is constantly criticising me about petty things such as how I spend my money, or even how I wrote the invitations for my wedding which is nothing to do with her. Or what we feed the kids for example - my son does not like meat so we don't force him to have meat.

When I told her I found this criticism unwarranted and unnecessary, she just whips out the 'I do so much for you and now you're having a go at me, I'll withdraw all my help' line/threat. Like because she has helped with the wedding costs and done some cleaning I'm not allowed to challenge her in any way.

Then she goes into victim mode - saying after all I do for you, look how you treat me, etc.

i tried to have a conversation with her about the constant criticism and ask her to stop, or at least suggest things rather than tell me outright I shouldnt' do x, y , z, but she thinks she has a right to tell me what to do as she's my mum and she helps out. so the conversation just goes round in circles.

Has anyone got any words of advice as I'm at the end of my tether.

You don't have to replace her cleaning with a cleaner! It's not her business how clean your house is.

It's more difficult due to approaching wedding imo, she gave money and wants a say.

But once the wedding is by set some clear boundaries - offer to go initially with her to exercise classes/ WI to encourage her to find a life of her own.

She sounds very similar to my mum, and our situations are almost identical - I passed a comment about her being critical and all hell broke loose. For weeks and weeks. Have you tried bringing it up? It was a pretty unpleasant period but now we're on better ground, though her desire to be involved in our lives is now something I'm very weary of. I think there's a line you need to cling to in order to not somehow get indebted, and cleaning is probably the other side of it.

Just read the update - well done! That's a good step in the right direction

Her help isn't help. It's downpayment on control over you. It's leverage.

If you want her to have less leverage then refuse the 'help'. Especially the cleaning. How utterly insulting and undermining to your SAH partner - she's basically saying 'I think your DP is doing a shit job so I'm going to insert myself into the cleaning and childcare'.

In your DP's boots I'd be fuming.

A good step forward Maggie. You just need to keep on reinforcing that now. Oh, and stop her doing the cleaning too ........

Offer to go with her to eg WI? Patronising!

Sorry to hear it has been difficult OP. I do think one of the issues with v controlling people is that sometimes it doesn't matter what they do for you or don't do, they will always be critical.

She sounds like she has co-dependant traits, my mum does too.
They tend to need to feel needed as they worry that otherwise they will be rejected.
It's quite sad really.
Well done for talking to her.

She sounds exactly like my mum who drives me nuts.

My mum lives very far away but has retired so loves coming over to "help". She books flights and comes and stays with me for a week a few times a year. When she's here she constantly cleans (and I do not have a messy house in the slightest to start with), rearranges stuff in cupboards, goes through wardrobes and chuck old clothes away etc.

I do not want this help at all, it really annoys me that she does it, but she wants to feel needed so I let her get on with it.

I've told her to try to relax when she's here and treat it more like a holiday, but she says she gets bored if she's got nothing to do.

Anyway, despite me not wanting this help and gently asking her not to do it, she keeps throwing it in my face afterwards and saying I should be more grateful. It also gives her the right to criticise me for some reason, just like your mum.

Plus she gets really offended if I don't do as she says. As an example, she was here last week and she baked some bread (which was really nice and I did have some). She then informed me that she has left the recipe and said I should try to bake more bread.

Me: Thanks, the bread is really nice but I'm trying to cut down on bread.
Mum: But it's healthy bread!
Me: I know, but I'm trying not too eat bread.
Mum: It's better to eat bread than loads of bags of sweets!

I don't even eat sweets!!! Gaaaaah!

springydaffs
Offer to go with her to eg WI? Patronising!

ERRrr, springy , do you never read the threads on MN of people saying they are lonely - they come up most weeks, and it's no easier (in fact harder ime) for older people to admit they are lonely let alone take themselves off to social events alone. After a life time of being a FT housewife/mother or FT work you can feel lost.

I know many over 60s who have very little social life, but getting them to go anywhere on their own where they might make friends is v difficult.

There are occasional threads where poster complains DM is off on world cruises and living life to the full, so never around to help, but they are not common.

You may know a lot at that age who etc etc but that's not far off my age and nobody I know has those issues. Tell a lie, I know one, but she very unusual.

I know a lot of women in eg their 80s with mobility problems who have those issues though. And like WI. ok I like WI but only bcs it's kitsch There's my aunt though, early 80s, who regularly travels to France on public transport to visit her son. No mobility problems, single parent when it was desperately not the thing so she certainly had the years at home thing.

So yes, op offering to effectively 'take' her 60s DM to WI is patronising imo. God help me if my kids try to do that shit.

(A little secret: when you get older you're exactly the same person except with an older body.)

Have a look at Bethany Websters website about the 'Mother Wound', it is an interesting take on why mothers behave like this and what you can do about it.

Haha springydaffs I am that age and no I don't need support to attend WI but would like support to attend any new social group - I mean do people just turn up at book clubs or craft groups. Not ime, it's possible, yes, but most people go along to them with someone they already know. Who introduces them to the group, as I said not a necessity.

But I have come across a good number of women berating the fact all their DCs have left the nest, and most retired people my age that I know don't have a great deal in their lives - Grandchildren are the greatest time filler. Then art classes etc which ime are fun but don't replace a full time job (whether in the home or out). Of course, the ones doing world cruises/ climbing everest you never see.

But if the OP is being 'harrassed' by a helpful DM then the DM needs something else in her life. If she had a full life of hobbies and friends I presume she wouldn't be so obsessed with the DD's cleaning methods!!

Blimey, I would do hardly anything if I was waiting for someone to take me to introduce me to the group. I know only one woman, as I said above, who won't even go for a coffee alone. If she weren't so manipulative I would feel sorry for her.

I think what is sticking in my craw Ssargasso is the rather caricatured picture you are presenting of 'the older woman' - who plays bridge, goes to WI, dusts her ornaments. I know noone in my age group who is like this or has these interests - we are all as we were in our 20s/30s except we are more freed-up bcs our children are grown and gone. Your representation of the mouse v the lioness (Everest) is 2D and patronising imo. There's enough ageism about without one of our own adding to it.

Besides which, I don't think op's mum's lack, or otherwise, of other interests is central to how she's behaving towards her daughter.

OP you have my utmost sympathy. I have a mother who is the same.

Don't listen to the people who are asking you whether your house is actually dirty and whether she's got a point. a lifetime of controlling and intrusive behaviour from a mother to a child leads the child to constantly second guess themselves and live in a world where a very real perception could be staring them in the face but they have to check that their mum approves of this perception before they are allowed to perceive it.

Go with your gut. Take everything into your own hands. Tell her you appreciate her kind intentions but would prefer she didn't as you'd like a healthy, loving relationship with her, with mutual respect. Not just respect garnered from doing exactly what she wants, and withdrawn when you don't do what she wants.

Hmm, but what great acheivements did you make in your 20/30s?

It might be that I feel the hobby and travelling thing isn't that fulfilling. And life is very self-indulgent. Fine if that is what you like, personally I feel something is missing if that is how I fill my time.
Interfering in your DCs' lives is not an answer hence my suggestion.

Maggiethemagpie, go onto the thread but we took you to stately homes. I felt like you did for a long time, it gets worse as they feel they are loosing control over you , I am no contact after constantly being controlled by my DM. I had to go NC to save my sanity, I also divorced my controlling exH as that's the learned behaviour from childhood. It' when children come into the mix that you start seeing, the veil is lifted and you won't like what you see. Good luck, stand up for yourself.

Sounds like you and your mum are both equally the problem. If you don't want her to do childcare, don't let her. If you don't want her in the house unannounced, change the locks and don't give her a key. Why does your mum need to tidy if you're husband is a sahd? I'd be really embarrassed if my MIL was tidying my house, if I didn't work. Your examples of critisms are really not that bad - my mum was a lot more opinionated about my wedding (no financial involvement). I went along with some stuff i didnt agree with because it didn't bother me that much and made her happy. You do need to compromise (and if you let your mum help you out practically and financially, regardless of who offered/asked then yes, you need to compromise with her), and sometimes in life you need to smile and nod at people and then do your own thing (I.e wedding invite wording, smile, nod, do as you wish - though I'm with your mum on that one).