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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone here admit to having an affair? Now or in the past?

44 replies

frenchconnection · 19/12/2006 19:01

Well. For personal reasons just wondering if anyone here is in the middle of having an affair, or had one? God i am tempted but dont think i can go through with it. well i hope i can't.ive been miserable for a while and now there is this person suddenly interested in me.

OP posts:
Mud · 19/12/2006 19:03

so leave whoever yo're with if you're miserable - having an affair is weak and imoral

fairydust · 19/12/2006 19:09

I have and have now left dh,
I am def not weak and imoral and it was the best thing i ever did with my life.

divastrop · 19/12/2006 19:45

no-when i was still with my exh and thigs were crap i found myself attracted to somebody else,which made me realise i had no feelings left for exh and my marriage was over.so i ended my marriage before starting a new relationship.i dont think its ever right to have an affair.

moondog · 19/12/2006 19:57

Eh FC?
I thought you were a single mother of two???

divastrop · 19/12/2006 20:00

oh...so is the man in question married/attached then?if so then if i were you i,d tell him im worth far more than being somebody's bit on the side

bubsagrub · 19/12/2006 20:03

This post is familiar - so FC, tell us more. I honestly think you've just posted to get a bun fight going.

DeckthehallsLaDiDaDi · 19/12/2006 20:17

I had an affair with my now dp when I was with ex-h.

It was both the best and worst thing that I ever did. At the time it was truly awful and at one point I seriously considered suicide .

BUT.. I know that I would never have been happy with ex-h and that we shouldn't have got married. I'm extremely happy with dp and we have a beautiful dd . Ex-h is happy with his dp and they also have a dd so everything has worked out ok but at an enormous cost to everyone involved at the time.

ginnedupmummykissingsantaclaus · 19/12/2006 20:27

Never have ... never would.
I've had it done to me and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Finish marriage first and go into new relationship with a clear conscience.

cochlear · 19/12/2006 21:35

Yes.
has lasted 12 years.

hurtwife · 20/12/2006 06:19

Dont start an affair - it leads to all sorts of heartache.
My h has admitted it recently and i can tell you it is pulling us apart. No human being is worth not being told the truth however much you dont love them. Everyone has feelings even if you dont have feelings for them. It is the cowards way out and shows that you are not able to show your true feelings. Have some respect for everyone involved and dont do it.

buktus · 20/12/2006 06:45

i had an affair, i cheated on my ex who abused me quite badly and i got a lot of satisfaction knowing what i was doing, i left my ex and married my now dh and three kids later we are very very happy - sometimes you cant judge people that do have affairs as circumstances are always different and not all affairs end up bad, mine being the perfect example

hurtwife · 20/12/2006 07:55

I try not to judge all affairs but i do think the person having the affair often justifies it - if the relationship really is absusive then get out and dont lower yourself to being cruel to another person. I know how satifiying it feels to want to hurt someone who has hurt us (but if you truely are a good person you would not do it).
I am not usually so judgemental but i feel really strongly about this, if we all just had some respect for others there would be far less heartbreak.

cochlear · 20/12/2006 08:00

many people make the mistake of thinking an affair must inevitably lead to heartache and the explosion of the existing family relationships.
it is possible to have happy family lives AND an affair that goes undiscovered for a lifetime.
I don't want to leave my husband and would not expect my lover to leave his wife.We love each other and after my 2 children he is the most important person in my life.

tegan · 20/12/2006 08:10

4 years ago thing with dh were at an all time low and I was attracted to a man a t work, he also was going through the same thing. inevitably we slept together, so he split from his wife for his own reasons and within a week dh and I had parted again not related to what had happened. 3 months later dh found out and things were really bad, dh moved back in without my consent and he forced my to leave work. Things got really good and 5 months later I was pg with dd2 and now things are the best they have ever been.

The bloke I was seeing has now noved in with my best friend at that time after she ended an affair with his dad.

hurtwife · 20/12/2006 08:58

I am speachless that anyone can justify an affair as long as it is not found out. I have no problem with an open relationship but to decieve your H into thnking he is the only one is just plain wrong. If you can live with the fact that you love 2 people why do you not credit your H with the same respect. It is not the sex or even the love it is the lying to someone who has put trust in you.
I think it is selfish of anyone to treat others in such a way. It is so hurtful that the people involved are allowed to know about the other parties involved and that is giving them power.
I am not a prude and i accept that people make mistakes but if your partner is investing their emotions into a relationship i think it is only fair that they should know the terms and conditions its called RESPECT.
Sorry i seem to have got so heated about this but i feel i have been wasting so much of my energy on my relationship where my husband has been having an affair and allowed me to think i was going mad until i eventually found out. Believe me it causes an awful lot of heartache for more people than you realise.

Original poster
frenchconnection · 20/12/2006 09:58

Moondog , i am a mum with 2 kids, my dh lives in the same house as us but he lives in the loft conversion,so we are not really together any more, we are more like flat mates.
But i would feel guilty if i did anything with this new man, as i am still married . We are trying to sell the house so we can separate but its going slowly and its a tricky situation, and dh cant make his bloody mind up whether we are together or not, even though we have separate bedrooms. In my mind i feel single, but he is still physically in the house. Make any sense??

OP posts:
hoolagirl · 20/12/2006 10:01

I totally agree with hurtwife.

frenchconnection what a horrible situation for you. Is there any hope of selling your house soon.

hurtwife · 20/12/2006 10:16

French connection i too feel for you as i think i will be in a similar situation soon. Good thing is I am able to start again in a new home. Is your husband trying to make up his mind because of a discovered affair. My husband is just not able to make up his mind at the moment and i think he is just so scared of what he will miss out on.
I would also like to add that just because there are a lot of afffairs going on does not make it the right thing to do. One of the things our counseller said was that this is such a common problem. But it doesnt make it any better.
Why do people think they will never be discovered? Is it just arrogance?

Original poster
frenchconnection · 20/12/2006 10:22

I think my dh can't make up his mind as he still has some feelings for me and he is gutted at the thought of not seeing the kids every day, this is why the sale of the house is lagging- we keep changing our minds. He just cant bear the thought of living alone without his babies. So we just go one step forward, 2 steps back.
I dont think i can see this new man though, its already cutting me up, i feel the guilt churning in my stomach already as dh has done nothing wrong and he is an amazing father.We are just drifting apart.

OP posts:
hurtwife · 20/12/2006 10:22

Sorry just read through this thread again and understand that even though you are still married you are not living it. You need to talk to your partner and explain how you feel. Its ok to be tempted but at least give him the information so he can make his mind up too. It may be that if he knows there is someone else on the scene he will make more of an effort and then you too have to decide if thats what you really want.
I would still stand by my first comment in that an affair is not the answer - to lie to him about your feelings when he is clearly in doubt about his own is wrong. I hope you can talk honestly to him and make the right choice for you.

overdraft · 20/12/2006 10:28

Hurtwife
I saw the woman while she was having an affair with my dh. She gave it away really. Smiling at me all the time . walking around made up . floating on cloud nine and looking back giving me this look as if to say I have power over you and I know something you don't. She thought she was great. A sad little woman turned into I don't know what. Well things didn't work out for her. This man ( my dh) didn't desire her or want to be with her and take her away from her life she didn't want with her dh. Every time I bump into her now she looks a sad puffy little shell of a woman.She has ruined her life with her dh because she thought the grass was greener. Now she has to live with him and it.Her kids hate her and so do lots of others. I acuallt feel sorry for her sometimes ,but then she tried to have my life and that is unforgivable

Original poster
frenchconnection · 20/12/2006 10:31

thanks for your advice..
i keep on asking him "what happens if i meet someone else soon?" and he tells me i should just go for it, and we will go our different ways.But then he looks so sad at the thought that i dont know what he wants!
He says its fine for me to be with someone else but i know he doesnt mean it. I just dont want to deceive him.

OP posts:
overdraft · 20/12/2006 10:32

oh bless him that must be so difficult for you both. so really he wants to be with you at any cost?

overdraft · 20/12/2006 10:33

Don't know much about you. Can't you two rekindle something?

flutturkey · 20/12/2006 10:40

My Mum had an affair with the babysitter (no I'm not joking) it lasted for a few months and then she told my Dad the marrige was over and what had been going on. She is now married to the babysitter and has been for over 20 years they have had a further 3 children together (7 in total) and my stepdad has been a wondeful father to all of us.

My Dad is happily re-married (15 years) and I'm glad it worked out like this.

It is wrong to say all people who have affairs are x,y and z because all situations are different.

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