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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone here admit to having an affair? Now or in the past?

44 replies

frenchconnection · 19/12/2006 19:01

Well. For personal reasons just wondering if anyone here is in the middle of having an affair, or had one? God i am tempted but dont think i can go through with it. well i hope i can't.ive been miserable for a while and now there is this person suddenly interested in me.

OP posts:

sunnysideup · 20/12/2006 10:53

FC I think it's your duty and your husbands duty to communicate more about this! From what you've said here there seems no reason at all that you couldn't make a relationship again out of what you've got left; he's done nothing wrong and is a wonderful father - well that would be enough for me to say "I loved him once, I must be able to find that again or at least wait together until I can find it again".

You say you are drifting apart.

Don't drift! Don't let it happen, you have a free will and don't have to drift anywhere!

It just sounds like you could claw something back here with effort...worth making rather than subjecting your kids to a split family situation. You and your DH CAN get other husbands or wives, you kids only get one childhood with their mum and dad together..............

Mumpbump · 20/12/2006 11:33

If you are unhappy together, I don't think staying together just because you have children is a good idea. But if you think that you might be able to rekindle your relationship, then you owe it to yourselves and your dc to do so.

I had a really bad patch with dh before we were married and came very close to having a holiday fling with a bloke I found hugely attractive - pure lust!! Dh was at home in England with his dc so I could have got away with it too, but couldn't quite bring myself to do it. Looking back now, I am so glad I didn't...

cochlear · 20/12/2006 11:39

It's not arrogance that makes people not get found out. It is being intelligent and careful and not taking ANY risks

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 20/12/2006 11:41

If you were intelligent you wouldn't do it in the first place.

Having an affair is a crass and stupid thing to do. Far more intelligent would be to tell your partner how you feel and either fix it or go your separate ways. Unless you are one of those people who likes the thought of wielding power, the power to hurt people.

Mumpbump · 20/12/2006 11:48

I don't know. I'll probably get shouted at for saying this, but I once had an affair with a married man who was very clear that he loved his wife and would never leave her. That was absolutely fine by me as, at the time, I was a young thing who didn't want any commitment anyway. It was an arrangement which was about sex and nothing else. I was the one who finished it when I met a man I felt emotionally drawn to. I think affairs are a fact of life, but they certainly have the capacity to be the death knell in any relationship and should not be embarked upon lightly...

Bugsy2 · 20/12/2006 11:57

I know plenty of men who are happily married, have no intention of ever leaving their wives & who have discreet affairs. There is a big difference between having a sexual relationship with someone on an ongoing basis outside of your marriage & having a major affair because you want out & are too cowardly do break up with your spouse first.
Not making any judgements as to what is right or wrong, but those would be my observations.

hurtwife · 20/12/2006 15:07

There is always a risk of getting caught if you spend anytime together - What right does any of us have to lie to someone especially if that person is expecting the truth. Like i said earlier the fact that it happens often does not make it right. Many children get abused and it is more common than we like to admit but it does not make it right. Surely we should all be able to resect each other enough to tell the truth.
I am not preaching and i am sure there are lots of flings going on. what i am saying is that to have the forethought to plan and knowly cheat your partner out of part of you is just that - cheating. I would like to think that i would treat people as i would like to be treated.
I too have been very tempted and flatered by attentions but i respected myself and my partner more than to take it further - i talked it through at the time.

buktus · 21/12/2006 20:58

'If you were intelligent you wouldn't do it in the first place'.
WTF - dont judge everybody

MulledWino · 21/12/2006 21:27

I had one. I cheated on my husband and have now been married to DH2 for over 11 years. However, I despise what I did to DH1. I look back over the years, with the wisdom of an older person, and think "How could I have done that?"

I know now what I should have done. I should have instigated the break up and THEN got together with the other person (DH2!). I love DH2 but since we have been together we have not had it easy.. all kinds of crap has happened to us. But I will tell you what remains the single hardest thing I have EVER done.. and that is telling DH1 that I was leaving him for someone else. For a while it destroyed him. No we were'nt happy, had got married too young, probably shouldn't have been together at all.. but WHAT RIGHT does one person have to do that to another? They don't!

H1 and I have a child together (now 14) and in recent times (last year) I told H1 that I am terribly sorry for what I did to him and how it all came about. Infidelity just isn't my thing..wasn't then and certainly isn't now but I allowed it to happen that way when it didn't have to. He has since remarried and we remain friendly for the sake of our son but I have lived with the guilt of what I did to him for years and I also have some inkling of what I put him through.

You may or may not be married to the 'right person' for you.. but as for an affair.. DON'T do it. It's not worth it. It wrecks lives and the damage continues for decades even when you think you and everyone else has recovered. If you don't think your marriage can be resurrected, SPLIT UP. You are then free to do as you wish.

expatinscotland · 21/12/2006 21:30

I slept w/a married man whom I knew to be married.

I was 19 and stupid. He was 43.

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 21/12/2006 21:36

buktus - wait till it happens to you dear.

MulledWino · 21/12/2006 21:38

Ah, Butkus, the harbinger of all wisdom..

bingobongo · 21/12/2006 22:23

Cliffrichardsucks etc

I am intelligent and I told my husband how I felt and tried to fix things on more than one occasion however he didn't take things in, realise the importance of what i was saying or make an effort to improve things/change long term. I took on board his thoughts and feelings and did make some changes to my own behaviours however things didn't improve. Despite all this, i loved him deeply and couldn't imagine him not being in the rest of my life as we have been together since we were at school.

When I started to receive attention from a guy i really liked, we built up a close relationship over about 5 months, then had a 'christmas kiss'. I vowed I would never sleep with him as it wasn't my thing and in the past i had been the first to judge people who had affairs. Our relationship was mainly emotional though affectionate in meeting up for snogging/cuddles. I meant the world to him and he told me he loved me. I couldn't understand why he kept on seeing me for so long without the sexual side to it - he certainly wouldn't have hung around if he was only after one thing. After 2 years the relationship turned into a sexual one, it just felt so right and deep down i felt as though i loved him too. Though we had to be discreet and careful we didn't get/make that many opportunities to have sex so for us it wasn't just about that.
During the couple of years I had serious discussions with my husband and the last one in about September 2005 i suggested marriage counselling as I just didn't know what else to do after so many attempts to improve our relationship. His response was, 'thats only for when its reached crisis point, we are not there yet". Little did he know! Luckily he did take it on board by that stage, I was close to leaving at that point but was desperate not to because of our child. I was pregnant when I had that first kiss, and have since had another child. My other man has now moved away so its come to a natural end.
i don't regret what i did, we are still in touch and he still says he loves me. I never actually told him i loved him, it didn't feel right to say it.

To sum it up I loved him but I loved my husband more. I know I could have left my husband and gone off with the other guy, all he wanted was me and to look after me, he is a fantastic guy. I always used to say that we were right for each other but it was just the wrong time - he found me 19 years too late.
I would say to all those people who judge, please don't - you never know when it might happen to you. I know if I wasn't with my husband we would be together. I had the choice and I believe I made the right decision. I know deep down it was wrong but there were reasons for it - selfish ones I suppose.

buktus · 22/12/2006 06:57

buktus - wait till it happens to you dear.
HOW PATRONISING

buktus · 22/12/2006 06:57

Ah, Butkus, the harbinger of all wisdom..

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

knittingtinsel · 22/12/2006 07:57

Intelligence will not stop a person having an affair, it just means that they will think through all the implications and possible outcomes before they take the plunge.

There are so many different reasons that can lead to an affair happening, it's not as simple as blind stupid lust, peoples lives can be so emotionally complex and different.

hurtwife · 22/12/2006 15:22

Ah! but that is just it does anyone really think through all the implications first? If they are so sure they will not get caught then why think about what will happen if they do?
This has recently happened to me and i am stunned that the people involved honestly believed they would never be found out. They were intelligent and had lots of time to cover it up but still they both got caught independently!!
It was my husband and he certainly would not recomend an affair as he is living through the complete devistation and heartache that his selfishness has caused so many people.

Fieryspark · 22/12/2006 20:10

I am new on here, but, just wanted to second Hurtwife:

"the complete devastation and heartache that his selfishness has caused" totally sums it up for me too.

I found out very recently that my husband, of 10 years, has been having an intense "emotional affair" (as far as I know...) with a woman he met through work and he even tried to get our families together to make it seem like she was "just a friend" (she's been to my house with her husband and family - and our children have played together ffs!!).

At the moment life is is horrible rollercoaster of emotions and now it's Christmas and am now having to pretend everything's fine while staying with the In-laws... I feel so sick and hurt.

ChristmasPresence · 22/12/2006 21:44

I married my childhood sweetheart after 8 years of courtship, but after a change of job (and a broadening of my horizons) I met and fell madly in love with someone else. We saw each other in secret for 4 years. It was so frustrating, guilt-inducing, awful, awful... I eventually plucked up the courage to leave exH (taking DD 18 months) with me. I lived alone, but continued have my affair in secret for a year. After that year we "came out" and two years after that moved in together. I loved him so much and after 5 years together and our DS, I still do. If I could have not gone through the affair thing, I wouldn't, but I was so in love that I couldn't do anything else. My ex now has a partner and another child, and it all seems to have worked out right in the end. However, I have two friends who are having affairs, and both I think are just for kicks, rather than out of love. I know I shouldn't judge, but I feel that this just isn't a good enough reason to have an affair. I feel I did it because I really coudln't do anything else, and I was right - I've been happier in the last five years than at any other time in my life (ooh please stop now, you're making everyone want to vomit!)

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