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Original poster

I finished with him, planning baby alone!

56 replies

Mummystar123 · 12/01/2016 22:40

I finished with the man I was the ow for. The advice. On here was deeply profound and allowed me to see the relationship for what it really was- lies and lies, topped with a side order of lies.
He lied saying he was single, he lied again saying they were just living together for financial reasons and probably lied again when he said he was trapped in a loveless and sexless relationship.
Worse than that I lied to myself, I told myself I was who he loved and once things were sorted I would get to be with him.
I met him today and told him I was not prepared to wait for him I grow a pair, I know he has been on dating sites and messaging other women to get a second ow and our relationship is over.
He left after crying and saying he didn't want to loose me and text me later saying he knows I deserve better and that he loves me so much but he will never accept the baby we have conceived and will never be in it's life.
I replied telling him I'm sure I have enough love that our child won't miss out and I promise to be the best mother I can and taise our child well. He responded that I should look after myself and our baby.
I then deleted his number and all previous contact.
It was so hard and I've cried all day but I have to go NC or I will cave.
I feel so sick with morning sickness and I just need a huge cuddle. :-(
I know this is my own fault for staying with him once I found out he was married, I was just so devastated thy everything I thought we had was a huge pile of lies, that come so easily from his lips.
No point to this post really except to just let it all out . X

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 13/01/2016 13:01

And what did he promise you?
He should support his child for heavens sake
It's a lifetime commitment for you and he should contribute

Original poster
Mummystar123 · 13/01/2016 13:45

I can't make any more decisions just now, I'll get through the next month or so then see how I feel, I'll have booked in with the midwife and had a 12 week scan by then so should be in a much better place.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 13/01/2016 13:54

You probably can't claim until the baby is born so you do have plenty of time to decide.

Good luck with your 12 week scan.

Flowers
starry0ne · 13/01/2016 15:40

I agree with the others posters..Firstly You don't have to do anything about CMS till baby is born...

Secondly you only have his word what his wife will do..He has manipulating you as he always has..

Blocking contact is a great idea...

Do bear in mind you think you can finacially feel you can cope at the moment it will get harder if you have to give up your job..It may be due to ill baby, your health redundancy... none of these things we can fore see... Life can swing us curve balls....

Focus on you and the baby right now...Yes you have been spun a line but at least you are moving on now

Offred · 13/01/2016 15:56

Well done on breaking this off.

I know you promised you wouldn't do anything to compromise his family but he is already doing that and has already done that.

It's not about compromising his family or about punishing him, but I think you should reconsider your plan not to ask for financial support.

You will have your DC to answer to and I don't think they will thank you for colluding with his father's plan to make him into a dirty little secret. He should at least have his financial support and I'm not sure I would settle for leaving it at that.

The father has no reason for failing to support him other than not wanting his lies to be exposed, on balance that is a very damaging thing to have to grow up with for a child and I would be telling him that...

Once I'd got through the pregnancy probably.

Offred · 13/01/2016 15:59

He should be there for the child, be a parent... I doubt what he has said about his wife stopping him seeing his DC is true but even if it was then he is saying he will abandon his child with you - that's not the act of a father in any sense of the word...

Cabrinha · 13/01/2016 17:23

And in 5 years time we'll have the wife posting that she's seen a bank statement and she's shocked to the core as it seems this scum has been paying out for a secret child...

Get through your scan, then tell him you'll be claiming CM, and that you'll be telling her if he doesn't.

Offred · 13/01/2016 17:29

In ten years we'll have his daughters posting about how they can never trust men because of their father...

You can't undo what he has done by pretending it hasn't happened.

It's a child here that he thinks he can pretend doesn't exist. Colluding with him to do that will damage everyone - his wife who will be robbed of her informed choice about her marriage, his existing DC who will have a secret sibling and a liar for a father, your child who will grow up in shame, you who will have to do everything alone and the new women he picks up on OLD and lies to... All to save a lying cheating crap father from having to take responsibility for his own life - which is not even going to be good for him in the long run...

NameChange30 · 13/01/2016 17:54

"Get through your scan, then tell him you'll be claiming CM, and that you'll be telling her if he doesn't."

Is there anything to gain from telling him she'll be claiming child maintenance that far in advance? Surely it just gives him the opportunity to pressure her not to claim, through emotional manipulation, blackmail, harassment, whatever. I don't see why she has to tell him, but if she wants to, she could do so when she tells him the baby's been born (and preferably after she's contacted CMO to start the claim).

As for telling the wife/partner... That's a tough one. I would want her to know, but wouldn't really want to be the person to tell her. At a push I would maybe send her an anonymous letter. But I certainly wouldn't tell the man I was doing it.

starry0ne · 13/01/2016 18:43

Another thing I wanted to add into this..I wrote to my parents after my DS was about a year old..My reason I did not want my child I was so very proud of to be a dirty secret...

Atenco · 13/01/2016 19:46

You might as well claim CM, because sooner or later your child is going to want to know about his/her father and probably want to meet him. It was really cruel of him to pass himself off as single to you, until you were too emotionally involved to immediately drop him. Not a kind or nice man. He is totally responsable for everything that happens to you.

A friend of mine knowingly had a relationship with a married man, got pregnant and never asked him for any support for the baby because she felt so guilty. She had to go back to work when the baby was three weeks old and the married man eventually left both her and his wife for another woman five years later.

Mamapotter2008 · 13/01/2016 23:09

He sounds like he's not a very nice man at all. Whatever you do, don't ever let him push the consequences of his actions or the actions of others onto you.

He fathered a child with you. That's his responsibility, and he's old enough to know the risks of having sex. If you claim through CMS, it will be because you are honourably acting on your responsibility for your child (and in your shoes I definitely would - its amazing how much money they cost!!).

If his wife finds out as a result of your claim, that's not your fault or your problem. Please consider that given how he's behaving, it's likely that at some point she's going to find out what he's up to anyway.

If his wife decides to stop the kids seeing their father because of what he did, that's also not your fault. It would be an understandable reaction on her part (I know because I'm in a similar position to her), but nethertheless an unacceptable choice on her part. Interestingly, my stbxh seems to fear that this is what I'll do - that's just his guilty conscience speaking, I'd do nothing of the sort. I suspect, OP, that your ex is saying this partly because he thinks it's what he would deserve, but mainly because he wants to manipulate you.

If my ow was to uncover my stbxh, I'd send her flowers!!! I know the knobweasle told her he was separated when we weren't.

Men, eh!!

Original poster
Mummystar123 · 14/01/2016 09:42

Thanks for the support guys, he called me last night and was literally sobbing down the phone tht he's sorry for abandoning me and the baby and for what he is doing to me, he understands of I want I wreck his life by telling his no1 and he will always love our baby even if he can't be there, tbh I'm not buying any of it, he's just a very good liar!
I felt sorry for him at the time but retrospectively I'm glad I was strong enough to end it.
Can anyone advise me how I now block him on my phone. I have an iPhone 4s.

OP posts:
starry0ne · 14/01/2016 09:45

Well it is a real step forward you are recongonising it.. I don't have I phone so can't advise...Someone else might be able to or google..I find You tube really good for basic how to do stuff

Offred · 14/01/2016 09:47

So he cried about feeling sorry for himself and carrying on with this threat of 'if you ask anything from me it will be you wrecking my life' through tears?! God he's a manipulative shit!

If you go in recent calls, find his number, click on the (i) sign and scroll down there is an option to 'block this caller'.

BathtimeFunkster · 14/01/2016 09:53

Why would he care if his wife stops him seeing his children?

Children are easy for him to walk away from.

How insulting for him to abandon your child completely and use his existing children as a reason for doing so.

Your child is entitled to be supported by its father.

How that affects him is not your problem.

NameChange30 · 14/01/2016 10:47

Ugh, what a shit. As if he deserves ANY sympathy from you, of all people. A woman he lied to and got pregnant.

To block him:
Phone
Recent
Find his number and click (i)
Go to the very end and click Block

Maybe keep a note of his number before you block him, just in case you need to give it to CMO when you claim.

Crumbles12 · 14/01/2016 10:55

I think if I were in your position I wouldn't want to push contact with his other DC or him, Id probably rather start again and do it on my own than have my DC knowing how their father treated them and how they were brought into the world.

I think you will be suprised though at how expensive the baby will be and may change your mind about maintenance, at the very least you could put it into an account for DC if you don't need it, must be an awful situation for you.

Offred · 14/01/2016 11:06

I think most people would feel that way for themselves crumbles, but how will the children feel? His existing children with a secret sibling and her child kept as a dirty secret?

It's not about how the adults feel IMO. It's mostly about how the children will be affected and about doing what's right. Colluding in the abandonment of your own child to make your life easier is not the right thing to do.

Offred · 14/01/2016 11:07

And the op is not responsible for how he and his wife handle their parenting relationship.

Offred · 14/01/2016 11:09

He needs to stop seeing all of his kids as entirely associated with the women he impregnated. He is their father, he has responsibilities to them that are nothing to do with their other parent.

LobsterQuadrille · 14/01/2016 11:10

Further to AnotherEmma's advice - you can see what's been blocked by going into

Settings
Phone
Blocked
His name and number will be there

Good luck OP.

Crumbles12 · 14/01/2016 11:14

Yes obviously the children come first but surely having contact with the other family and the OPs DC feeling the tension makes things worse than the DC just having a loving mother and nothing to do with them.

Offred · 14/01/2016 11:20

You just defer the pain for everyone and make their lives a lie.

timelytess · 14/01/2016 11:23

I promised him I wouldn't do anything I compromise his family

You didn't, he did. Apply for maintenance.