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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to get some things off my chest.. and I really need my head straightening out.

48 replies

TrueToForm · 19/12/2006 16:45

so I was leaving but have briefly changed my name to this before I settle on one and email people to let them know... (hopefully that and my posting style is enough for you to work out who I am)

in the meantime though I absolutely have to get this off my chest...

Dp is being fabulous of late and really is making an effort. Unfortunately I suddenly seem to be falling for other people (and this is the problem).. it really is 'people'!!!! At the moment I'd quite like to shag at least one person from work at two people that I see through a hobby I have and I have even started having various crushes on people off the telly.

I miss dating and I miss the chase and everything that goes with it. I miss online dating etc

It has made me think that I'm not ready to settle down but I have a child and feel obliged to be good. I don't want to cheat on dp or leave him but I do want to sleep with other people iykwim.. really really badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrueToForm · 19/12/2006 16:47

I think I need a part of my brain removing.

Got to leave now.. might not be back unti ltomorrowl

OP posts:
ratclare · 19/12/2006 17:52

well you have 2 options dont you .....

  1. you shag all these people youve mentioned and jeapordise what you have
or
  1. you dont
fairly simple are you sure you arnt just on self destruct? good luck
divastrop · 19/12/2006 19:50

or...you end your relationship with your dp as you obviously arent in love with him

bubsagrub · 19/12/2006 19:54

I'm sorry, did I read that correctly - YOU MISS ONLINE DATING?

How...?

themoon66 · 19/12/2006 20:04

On line dating? Is it that good then?

RantInEMinor · 19/12/2006 20:22

are you ovulating? i always feel horny when i'm mid-cycle, I find myself looking at other men with a lecherous eye - not that i'd dream of acting on it. seriously though do you still fancy your partner? if not and you'd rather be shagging these other people then i think you ought to consider leaving him.

RantInEMinor · 19/12/2006 20:29

sorry just re-read my post and it sounds rather brusque and of course leaving someone is not that simple. In your op you say that you don't want to cheat on or leave your dp so i would advocate sitting it out a while and seeing if these feelings pass. i love my dh dearly but sometimes i do miss the thrill of a new relationship and all the sexual promise that goes with it. every time the thought of getting it on with someone else crosses your mind and you feel horny pounce on your dp and have a good old shag, i find that works for me. good luck and don't feel bad about this, perhaps it's just a natural feeling.

Original poster
TrueToForm · 20/12/2006 08:52

god no, don't want to dump him and we had a fun night last night.. would in an ideal world like to have them all but they wouldn't be allowed to have anyone else. I'd like a toy box full of men I could just pick up and put down as and when.

and rantineminor you're right it is all the excitement of a new relationship and sexual promise. Once you're in the relationship they just seem boring... but I know that I can't always be in the midst of a new relationship.

I lose interest once I've got my claws into them.

OP posts:
NbgSparklyYellowFeathers · 20/12/2006 09:06

I think its just a case of the "Grass is always greener" and do you know what, it isnt alot of the time.
I can totally understand how you feel but you said it yourself, you lose interest once you've got your claws into them.
If you left your dp and shagged all the guys you liked what would happen then?
My guess is that you'll then crave the closeness and security that you had with dp.

LazycowLyinginaManger · 20/12/2006 10:00

This is classic behaviour for someone who has trouble being intimate. I don't know your story but from what you have posted I assume your dp was behaving badly in the past. When he was behaving badly you probably weren't close and though you probably complained about it - it served a purpose in keeping the distance between you

Now he is behaving better you have two options, meet him half way and have a real relationship where you actually connect and get close or decide that is too frightening and look for ways out of the relationship (hence the desire to sleep with so many other people). That doesn't mean it can't change but you need to look at the way you are feeling and what has triggered it.

I would recommend some relate or couples counselling for you to get to the bottom of this. You need to be really honest about your feelings with your dp and this may be easier if you have a thrid party there to referee.

In the end you may realise you don't want to stay with your dp because you don't love him or you may realise you do love him and have been mixing up romance/lust with real love.

Either way you will be able to move forward without regretting anything.

sunnysideup · 20/12/2006 10:21

lazycow you've said what I was going to say and better than I could too! I think the crux of this is definitely an intimacy issue; because if you DON'T have a problem with intimacy, then the compensations of a long term relationship do outweigh the thrill of fancying new people, that's why some people stay faithful....definitely sounds worth some counselling/talking about this I think Trueto, because there are huge joys to be got from the depth and intimacy of a long term relationship which make 'the chase' seem superficial and pointless....worth getting to that point, definitely, if you can!

Original poster
TrueToForm · 20/12/2006 10:28

dp and I have always had a very close and very enjoyable physical relationship. I've always enjoyed sex.

I think I just dislike monogamy. I don't want to cheat on him as I would never want to hurt his feelings but I do desperately wish that I could sleep with other people as well.

He wouldn't go to relate or anything as there isn't a problem as such..

OP posts:
sunnysideup · 20/12/2006 10:38

Trueto, I for one wasn't talking about intimacy physically, but emotionally.

And to be honest I think try relate on your own, as this issue seems to be yours at the moment......

zookeeper · 20/12/2006 10:42

I think you can still love someone whilst fancying other people like mad - but imo if you love somebody you acknowledge that this will happen in your time together but that you will not act on it.

I think it's only natural to feel sad that you can never regain the newness and excitement that there is at the beginning of a relationship - concentrate on what you do have which sounds too good to lose.

sunnysideup · 20/12/2006 10:44

exactly zookeeper.

WinkyWinkola · 20/12/2006 10:53

You sound like a 14 year old teenage boy to me.

Why don't you ask DP if you can have an open relationship? You never know - he might be gagging to pork loads of other women but doesn't know how to go about it without losing you too.

Failing that, get a Rabbit and use your imagination.

Original poster
TrueToForm · 20/12/2006 11:12

I've got a rabbit.

DP wouldn't go for an open relationship and I wouldn't want him to go with anybody else.

Zookeeper, I haven't acted on any urges.. I just daydream.

we are not close emotionally but he's not that sort of person. It's not about inadequecy in my own relationship (I don't think) maybe it is maybe I want more from the person I'm in a relationship with. don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrueToForm · 20/12/2006 11:13

oh and just to clarify I am definitely not a 14 year old boy

OP posts:
zookeeper · 20/12/2006 11:20

but that's what I meant TTForm - I don't think there's anything wrong or unusual about your relationship, just that you can love someone and fancy others.

I'd throw away the vibrator and try to sex up your relationship. (Or start to use it in front of him?!)

Original poster
TrueToForm · 20/12/2006 11:25

lol, we do... we are definitely not lacking in the physical relationship department

OP posts:
Tortington · 20/12/2006 11:28

your a complete tosser. grow up for fucks sake nobhead

zookeeper · 20/12/2006 11:29

Christmas stress getting to you custy?

Tortington · 20/12/2006 11:31

nope thsi is who i am - ask rhubabrb aka cliff.

Original poster
TrueToForm · 20/12/2006 11:33

why am I a nobhead?

OP posts:
Tortington · 20/12/2006 11:37

you ay your dp is fabulous.

i assume you have children as your posting on a parenting site ( al;though i am not assuming with your current dp - that is too far a leap even for me)

but you want to shag everything

well i want a gold plated arsehole

go grow up