Sorry if this is long, I will try and put as few words as I can to get the tale across but just feel so blindsided by this person I can't understand why anyone would do this.
I met him online but I didn't really fancy him and liked someone else so we never met. I ended up seeing someone else. He was always sending me messages though, and quite often phoned too and we became quite friendly and got to know each other paltonically quite well. We told all our past relationship stories and about our jobs and friends and lives and sent photos from our holidays and this went on for about a year.
He was such a nice guy, and all the way through he would be saying things like, “hey, wouldn’t it be great to take a trip away for the day to the beach together” and to be honest the reason I never wanted to meet him was that I felt he would like me a lot more than I liked him and didn't want to break his heart as he seemed so lovely.
Then after about 11 months of us getting to know each other, I had a really bad day one day a few weeks after I'd had a split, and he caught me at a weak moment and he offered to come over to help me set up my new smart TV. We ended up having a bottle of wine and ended up in bed.
To my suprise we got on very well and there was lots of attraction and he seemed so keen and I liked him back so all of a sudden we were some sort of item. Right off the bat he was extremely attentive, kind, and available any time for me and he invited me as his date to his work party and then once more as his date to a dinner with his friends and it felt very much like things were going fantastically.
Then all of a sudden he changes. One day he is all over me and can’t wait to talk or see me and no obstacle is big enough…then 3 or 4 days passes and I hear nothing and get quite one-word answers and suddenly he is "tired" or his phone battery was flat or there is always an excuse.
I can see from online sources and various other things that he is just at home on his own, but he is also online a lot, and clearly chatting to someone else and I feel my stomach sink because all his behavior points to something funny going on but I almost just can't believe he would do that to me.
So I tolerated that for all of about two weeks, then called the whole thing off. I told him his strange behavior wasn’t acceptable for me, and that he obviously wasn’t that into me and to forget the whole thing.
But he won't let me go really, he is upset and tells me I have read it completely wrong and that he has only created distance as he felt we were falling in love and he needed time to adjust. So we get back together, but he continues doing the same thing even thought he knew it upset me the first time. Worse also, all the amazing dates he promised me come to zero. All he ever wants to do is come to my place so I feel like just sex to him.
When I point that out he says he is very hurt and how could I think I was just sex to him. So, I end it again because all this is screaming at me as red flags.
But I felt so absolutely conflicted and guilty for splitting up with him. I genuinely felt like he might be completely innocent and that I was causing all the problems myself and so I am very up and down and feeling completely confused and upset.
Then after doubting myself for two months, I found out he actually had been speaking with other women whilst seeing me and I am fuming angry so confront him saying it’s obvious the hot and cold behavior wasn't because of his “deep feelings for me” but because he had more than one girl going at the same time.
He admits it and says he is very sorry and he shows all the signs of genuine remorse and explains that he likes me a lot, much more than he expected to before we met and that he is very scared of real intimacy with someone as he has been so badly hurt once before he doesn't like to lose control or feel like someone has the power to hurt him. So he says he knows he spoiled things and has ruined his own happiness as well as mine.
I was very angry and didn't speak to him for weeks, but slowly we started to talk again and he told me he's miserable, that he misses me, that he didn't like any of the other girls at all but he was just being stupid. I am very skeptical but notice that he's never online, he doesn't go to the dating websites (I can see all this) and so I feel he might be being genuine.
He asks me for another chance, and I tell him all right, but let's take it very slowly. We discuss his fear of getting close and decide we will make things casual with no pressure on us and just have a few dates and see where it goes. He tells me that he will absolutely never again chat to other girls, or go strange and cold on me and that he has learned from his mistake and wants to just see what happens with us.
So after sorting through this by phone over a few weeks, I feel ready for us to meet up again. We go away for a lovely weekend that he's planned and he's put so much effort into it and spends the whole time being really close and sharing his emotions and all about his childhood and everything and I am (fucking idiot) sitting there thinking we are obviously on track now and everything will be wonderful.
He drops me home after a lovely weekend and then spends a few hours after he leaves messaging me what a lovely time he had all all that nice stuff and I am (fucking idiot) walking on air because it feels really right this time.
The he drops off the face of the earth. And all of a sudden he is back on dating websites within 24 hours (I can see he's logged on as I was checking) and worse still, he is permanently online so obviously talking to other girls again!!!!!!
I'm heartbroken. He just seemed so absolutely genuine I can't understand it. And I know he will message me again in a few days like nothing has happenned (he always did this before) and I have no idea what to do or say.
What on earth would posess an adult to behave in such a way? Is he a psychopath or something?