aaagggh holiday nightmare- 3rd party advice please

[Jimjams]

OK- this may be confusing.

IL's live in Ireland and every other year we go to visit them and SIL in Scotland at the same time. This year everyone has lots of commitments- IL's are going away on holiday for 2 weeks, then SIL is having baby in August. We do not want to stay with her right before baby is due as a) could come early and b) not going to impose ourselves on her right before she drops.

The other complication is that we cannot stay in a hotel with ds1 as he won't sleep and screams all night. We're not convinvced he will settle at either the IL's or the SIL's houses to be honest - as he is truly dreadful away from home at the moment (another reason not to go to SIL right before she drops- having ds1 up screaming all hours and during the night it not pleasant at the best of times). All this means we have to do the trip to Ireland, and the trip back in Scotland in one day (to Devon so its fairly lengthy).

Anyway ds2 has just been awarded motability. This means we have ordered a new bigger car. The advantages being that it is a much more comfortable and safer drive, ds1 and ds2 can be separated enough so that ds1 can't pinch ds2 when we get stuck in traffic and it has air conditioning (which driving with 2 kids and a pregnant wife (me) in summer heat would be a great advantage).

The problem- the delivery date we have been given for the new car is the day after we are due to leave on our holiday. Agggghhh Nothing is booked yet- so we can change it- but that would mean not seeing much of the PILS as they would be off on holiday 2 days after we arrived (whereas we would have had an extra 2 days with them). Now if ds1 is being vile this would have certain advantages as we could get on with containing him ourselves- but also know this option would cause family strife.

We are keen to wait delivery (although of course it may not come on time- eek then what?). We have a feeling this whole holiday is going to be very stressful and very difficult anyway (becuase of ds1- he's really awful in other people's houses at the moment) and we are keen to make it that little bit easier for us.

If we do this though we will cause great offence. Generally the IL's are not that good at taking on board ds1's difficulties, so they will see us as being incredibly selfish (well probably me as being incredibly selfish) when all we're trying to do is make it as easy as possible for everyone.

MIL wants us to visit her (and SIL therefore) when they return from holiday- but SIL will be about 36 weeks pregnant and I'm not really prepared to go then (also have a feeling my 20 week anomoly scan is due around then- not sure how much leeway there is on those- anyone know?)

So advice please- what would you do.

(Most of you will know but ds1 is 5 year old non-verbal autistic- hence the difficulties with him).

sorry ds1 has been awarded motability- not wishing that on ds2!

Just read this Jim-Jams - will ponder on it for a bit before replying. A V. difficult situation. Sorry no easy answer springs to mind...

Sounds like the first thing to investigate would be changing the delivery date for the car. Can it come a few days later, or could it be delivered to a showroom so you can pick it up when you get back?
There's a fair bit of leeway on the scan, some time within about 2 weeks of it is fine. I had mone at about 19 weeks because I was going to be away at 20 weeks, however that doesn't help you to much as you've still got the issue of SIL being 36 weeks.
Could the ILs come and visit you for a change, given the difficult circumstances, then DS1 could stay in his own surroundings, or don't you have room?

Would you be able to hire a camper-van/motorhome again? It would give plenty of room for keeping ds1 away from ds2 and also solve the hotel problem.

Nope- no chance of changing car delivery date. And of course no 100% guarantee that it will be there on that day (although he said it should be). The other problem I have just realised is that the car HAS to be picked up from the dealers in July (although it doesn't have to be picked up on the day it is delivered). We are due to return home from SILs on the 31st- ie too late to pick up the car if we go without it.

Oh bugger. Right going to count up to 20 weeks and see where that falls!

Would love to coppertop but a) it 1000 pounds for a 2 weeks hire b) it'll be extra on the ferry- if there are spaces and c) it wil almost certainly be booked out by now.

£1000?? Ouch!

ok 20 week scan is due a week after IL's get back- so if we were trying to squeeze in a trip to then and SIL may well be away at exactly the wrong time. (as we'll be away for 2 weeks).

exactly coppertop- and if we stick to our original dates we're still not going to be back in time to take delivery of the new car.

Sounds like going before your inlaws leave is really out of the question if you want to take the car (which makes obvious comfort and financial sense) esp. as you have to pick it up yourselves. If your inlaws are really unable/unwilling to change their holiday dates then there are a few options left - visit them afterwards but give your SIL a miss this time and just see inlaws for a few days - under the circumstances I would have thought she would have understood your tact and concern even if you would all miss it - could arronage another small holiday later in the year to visit. Alternatively, what about you having the time for a short break away from all family just the four of you nearer to home (self catering would avoid the hotels and not worry about peace and quiet) and then when inlaws come back they visit you for a few days instead? Get around the problem of your son not liking to be in different houses and could make it easier on "home turf".

As you and your SIL are both pregnant and you have the problem with collecting the car etc, could you arrange it for next year instead and then carry on with the once-every-2-years tradition from then? It would give them all a chance to see ds3/dd1 while he/she is still a baby too. With all this stress it probably wouldn't be much of a holiday this year anyway.

I think IL's visiting is out of the question really (they won't). We're happy not to go away at all really- trips away with ds1 (except in campervans!) are an absolute nightmare and I'd rather be at home with less screaming

We're quite keen to see SIL before baby comes as we are definitely due a visit - and visiting after baby arrives (her first) could be a nightmare. When they last visited us they were very hard on ds1 (in our house) so we dread to think what they will be like in their own house- with a brand new baby (plus the fact we really can't guarantee that ds1 won't give baby a sneaky pinch and I dread to think what the fall out would be). I think the whole post baby time would be a bit difficult- and unfortunately new baby or not- the reality of autism is that the people do have to work round the autistic child (although I don't think that is taken on board- so again we are seen as being selfish- but then all hell breaks loose with ds1). Therefore I think it fairer to everyone (not least SIL) if we stay out of the way after the baby is born. Although I think dh may try and visit. Of course we are now tied to school holidays as well. And I'm going to be having no 3 (all going well) the week before xmas- by section!

Goodness gracious I'm coming to the conclusion that this holiday isn't going to happen. Trouble is we haven't seed dh's grandparents for 2 years.

I think you may be right though stripymouse to just go and visit IL's and miss out SIL (although god we need some time alone as well- 10 days in their house will lead to fireworks (slightly rocky relationship beween me and MIL)- they have a holiday home which they will tell us to use- but then that's just ANOTHER place to try and settle ds1.

And having written all this out it is clear that we are not going to be able to go on the orignal dates due to car delivery (whether or not we actually take the damm thing).

Aaaaggggghhhhhhhhh!

Jimjams - it certainly sounds like a potential nightmare to me: there's certainly no clear solution. I do think you have to take the risk of causing some possible offence, against the greater good of an easier time for everyone concerned. So you are absolutely right to think first and foremost of what is going to be best for ds1 and yourself, and then work on from there.

How does dh feel about it all? If he's keen to see his family, would it be at all possible for him to take ds2 to see them on his own? Or is that a really silly idea?

copertop- to be honest its never much of a holiday! That was our original plan when we realised that fitting it in around everyone was going to be hard. Unfortunately though that idea caused great offence. And on a purely selfish pov we've kind of decided to get a campervan and go to France next year - we wouldn't be able to do that this year. And although that is selfish dh works most nights until 11pm, and we have the auti, and the only way we have found we can have a break is to use a cmapervan, so I kind of figure that actually we do deserve a break!

Aparently new baby is being christened in November- when I will be 34 weeks pregnant or something and we are going to have the whole hassle of not talking ds1 to the service (which I think will cause great offence as well!). I have a feeling family relations are about to get tricky which is why I would kind of prefer not to push it now. But I guess we're going to have to!

Is it a part exchange? ie if the car is late being delivered, you will still have a car to go in? (although you would need to tell the ferry company).

Why not delay the holiday by the 2 days (and accept the strife that that may cause - but from the sound of it, you wouldn't be too heart broken at not having too much time with ILs) - the simplest solution. If the car is late being delivered, it is then the DEALER'S problem (and make it clear that that would be case - ie you ARE able to pick it up on the earlier date, but if THEY miss it, it would be 1 August before you pick it up - it'll focus their efforts!)

DH doesn't want to go at all!! Mainly because of ds1, and the fact that the whole thing is going to be stressful for him. The problem with that as well is that if ds1 is unhappy then everyone else has to be as well unfortunately. I have developed a certian amount of patience but constant screaming and self harming tends to do my head in!

I thought about the ds2 scenario but he is very much a mummy's boy and ds1 gets really freaked out when he goes away (he went away last year to visit his family for a long weekend and ds1 took up vigil by his photo!)

No- not part exchange- I think the car may have to be picked up in July becuase of it being a motability car- there are all sorts of separate rules for motability. The other problem is that we wouldn't have much time to change the ferry booking form car a) to car B). But I don't think that matters.

Must go and pick up ds1 from school. Thanks for all the ideas. I don't think going with just ds2 would work (when he gets up in the morning and sees dh he says "no menya I want Mum" (menya is daddy for some reason). Also ds1 doesn't like him not being around0- he's the daddy's boy. Taking ds1 by himself would be too much I think- couldn't fly with him for example.

jimjams - first congrats on your pregnancy! I've missed loads haven't I.
there is so much here that is beyond your control that there is not much to be gained by stressing over it. To take the trip at the planned time without the new car would not make sense apart from the timing being convenient to your PIL/SIL Stop worrying so much what they will all think of you and if possible arrange the trip at a time that suits your family better. It sounds like your PIL are not going to 100% pleased with you in any case so suit yourself and visit them at a later time.
I know it's easier said than done though, but try and step back from it a bit. You alone know what DS1's reactions are going to be and know how potentially unpleasant the trip if you go ahead as originally planned.

Reading your posts Jimjams has made me realise how completely selfish I am because there is No Way i would consider taking this trip - and certainly no way I would call it a 'holiday'.

I think your instincts are right about visiting SIL when she is so very pregnant. You are being considerate to her, so how about to yourself? You're pregnant too.

Could your dh take your ds2 to visit the ILs and SIL on his own in the old car? Might be a fun trip for them, or would that just be more stress for you on your own with ds1? I have no concept of what life with an autistic child is like.

Stay at home and make them visit you - you are pregnant and have a shit load of other things to take into consideraion - sorry but they all just sound a bit selfish (excpet pregnant one!!) and as for the ILs who won't take into consideration your problems with DS I would have theat little time for them that I would probably just stay at home and use the money for something you can all do together!!

Be selfish and think of you and your boys for once please!!

Jimjams, what do YOU want to do? You are spending a lot of time considering other people, who, frankly,dont' seem to consider your needs much.
My advice is a very strong recommendation to think about what you want to do and why, and do that. Selfishness can be very healthy. Your ILs don't think twice about doing what they want do they? take a leaf from their book. Your dh can visit his sister if he wants. You are pregnant, have an autistic child and another little one. FFS Jimjams, get a grip - you are NOT superhuman
If I were you, I'd stay at home (claim pregnancy complications and the need for checkups if you really feel unable to be totally assertive about this). They can visit you far more easily than you can visit them and if they don't want to, well that says it all, doesn't it? For the sake of your dss and yourself, give yourself a break.

Hats off to Aloha, once again!

Is Aloha a real person? ... or some compueter generated advice-giver? Her advice is always so brilliant!