aaagggh holiday nightmare- 3rd party advice please

[Jimjams]

OK- this may be confusing.

IL's live in Ireland and every other year we go to visit them and SIL in Scotland at the same time. This year everyone has lots of commitments- IL's are going away on holiday for 2 weeks, then SIL is having baby in August. We do not want to stay with her right before baby is due as a) could come early and b) not going to impose ourselves on her right before she drops.

The other complication is that we cannot stay in a hotel with ds1 as he won't sleep and screams all night. We're not convinvced he will settle at either the IL's or the SIL's houses to be honest - as he is truly dreadful away from home at the moment (another reason not to go to SIL right before she drops- having ds1 up screaming all hours and during the night it not pleasant at the best of times). All this means we have to do the trip to Ireland, and the trip back in Scotland in one day (to Devon so its fairly lengthy).

Anyway ds2 has just been awarded motability. This means we have ordered a new bigger car. The advantages being that it is a much more comfortable and safer drive, ds1 and ds2 can be separated enough so that ds1 can't pinch ds2 when we get stuck in traffic and it has air conditioning (which driving with 2 kids and a pregnant wife (me) in summer heat would be a great advantage).

The problem- the delivery date we have been given for the new car is the day after we are due to leave on our holiday. Agggghhh Nothing is booked yet- so we can change it- but that would mean not seeing much of the PILS as they would be off on holiday 2 days after we arrived (whereas we would have had an extra 2 days with them). Now if ds1 is being vile this would have certain advantages as we could get on with containing him ourselves- but also know this option would cause family strife.

We are keen to wait delivery (although of course it may not come on time- eek then what?). We have a feeling this whole holiday is going to be very stressful and very difficult anyway (becuase of ds1- he's really awful in other people's houses at the moment) and we are keen to make it that little bit easier for us.

If we do this though we will cause great offence. Generally the IL's are not that good at taking on board ds1's difficulties, so they will see us as being incredibly selfish (well probably me as being incredibly selfish) when all we're trying to do is make it as easy as possible for everyone.

MIL wants us to visit her (and SIL therefore) when they return from holiday- but SIL will be about 36 weeks pregnant and I'm not really prepared to go then (also have a feeling my 20 week anomoly scan is due around then- not sure how much leeway there is on those- anyone know?)

So advice please- what would you do.

(Most of you will know but ds1 is 5 year old non-verbal autistic- hence the difficulties with him).

Just a quick one as I'm at work but I really wouldn't go in your position. Can't they come to see you instead? Could your dh take the holiday and stay at home with you?

Another vote for the oracle of Aloha!

think I need to talk it through big time with dh- and leave him to make the decision! The one thing I would feel bad about is dh's grandparents. They're pretty elderly now and would love to see the boys (although I suspect ds1 might give them a bit of a shock - as I don't think they've really ben told how bad he is- just told he's doing well- which he is- in context. they were pretty shocked by him 2 years ago but the difference between him and his peers now is much much bigger- plus he is much stroppier than he was).

What about a this for a compromise - could you go to your SIL's while your ILs are on their holiday (so SIL will be 35 weeks), stay there a couple of days only and then head over to Ireland to your ILs (empty) house - you can have some time together there (just the four of you) and get yourselves settled in whilst they are still away, you can make sure there is food in the house for their return etc. You can then stay a few days after their return to see them and then travel home.
If I have my head around your predicament properly, this should mean that your new car will be delivered.
Also, have you spoken to your SIL? Does she want a house full a few weeks before her first baby? - it may be that your MIL is suggesting this without first speaking with her.

Yes and no Jaybee I'm pondering that one. We can't get back from Ireland to Devon in one day (ferry xing times etc) which would mean staying in a travelodge or something. Last time we did that (about 6 months ago) ds1 would not go to sleep until gone midnight and woke up every hour and a half screaming. Meant we were exhausted driving the next day.

Also I think that will overlap with my scan time- I need to find out how much flexibility there is on that.

The only other thing I can think of doing is to go when the IL's are away and not even try and see them- but we will be able to see dh's grandparents etc then head over to SIL's - should be before she's too pregnant. The only problem with that is the timing is quite tight- and if there is a delay on the bloody car we will be well and truly stuffed as we'll still have to get back by the 31st to pick up the "july" car (and I really would prefer to do the trip in the new car).

I feel like I'm being a bit princessy here- but maybe I'm not. I'm just trying to fit everyone in around ds1. It hadn't even occurred to me to take my pregnancy into account (other than for the scan) until you lovely lot mentioned it here The problem is we will be seen as being difficult as for some reason they just can't get their heads around ds1's problems. I don't understand why they can't- they've seen enough meltdowns etc, but I think they think we should just tell him to snap out of it. SIL is best at understanding, but her dh doesn't really get it either, so he tells ds1 off all the time. LAst time they visited SIL was 7 weeks pregnant and he wouldn't let ds1 near her, so god knows what he'll be like this time (hence visit has to be short- last time me and dh ended up expolding at each other- when we were ready to explode at BIL - I suspect this time we could- add in a double dose of pregnancy hormones )

Jimjams, I don't suppose in reality this will be much help (esp as Scotland is quite big and I have no idea where your SIL is), but we will be away from July 22nd until August 9th or so. If it would help at all, you would be welcome to use our house, even if it would just be a quick break in the middle. Obviously you'd be welcome when we are here too, but if you're worried about ds1 screaming and stuff I would guess you'd be more relaxed to have the place to yourselves. Just say the word, I really mean it.

(Handy autism expert next door thrown in for nothing )

jimjams has all the paperwork for insurence for the motability gone thro? or have u just selected the car ans started the 1st lot of paperwork to be processed? the reason i ask, is that we were told our car would be ready 24th june, and would probably get moved forward. we have found out today that they have a shortage on the car and it wont be ready till 18th august. whicdh is 2 months later, and leaves us with npo car for our holidays at the end of june and beginning of july. we have put pressure on them and they are now hunting for a car for us, that is a cancelled order, no matter what colour it is, we are having it!

gosh tamum- that's very kind (and would love to meet your friendly neighbour and talk MMR with him- thought he looked good on the panel programme). We're not sure we're going to do scotland now though.... Thank you so much though- very kind (SIL is in Glasgow- so ab out an hour away I think?)

Misdee - we've had the confirmation from motability that we are genuine and so the dealer has ordered the car. We were hoping to be able to nab one but nothing is in the pipeline so we have had to put an order in- date was given by factory I think.

This is our new plan- would be interested to know what people think before we run it past the IL's. We thought the main problem would be not seeing dh's grandparents. So we thought we would book a 5 day return (which is also considerably cheaper) during the 1st week of August. This will get over the problem of not being able to pick it up in July. Hopefully it will be through- but if it isn't then I assume it would then become an August car and we could pick it up in August! We wouldn't however see the IL's or SIL. We can't call in on SIL on the way back as we have friends coming the end of the first week- haven't seen them for 2 years so can't really cancel. We would at least get to see dh's grandparents. Then if IL's want to come and see us they can. Probably dh will go and see his sister soon after the baby is born for a fleeting visit.

I know that this solution will cause problems- but its the only thing I can think of doing.

o what car did u get.

i dont have any ideas what to suggest for your holiday but i hope you get something sorted soon.

jimjams, your solution sounds spot on. I didn't get round to replying to this thread when you first started it but really agree with Aloha and all the other people who said you should think of yourself more. You are pregnant - that is IMO a good reason in itself to alter holiday plans to ease the stress. Can you really lay it on thick and tell your relatives how sick and ill you feel - travelling in a car makes you throw up every half hour at the momemt, that sort of thing?

If the rumblings of discontent get too loud, can you make future plans with the family you've missed out this time? then they haven't reason to say you are snubbing them. If they still do, it says more about them than you.

You could look upon this year's arrangments as the beginning of a more flexible approach. It seems you need this very badly.

Hope the car delivery goes smoothly. I feel a bit like you at the moment regarding summer plans - holidays,(and in my case jobs - everything is so up in the air. It's so stressful, isn't it?

I agree with the be more selfish camp. Stop living your life for other people, you have to think of your immediate family first and spend some quality holiday time with them not flying all over the place trying to do your "family duty". I understand this pressure because we moved away from our home town taking the only children in the family with us. At first we did regular summer/ christmas duty trips flying around trying to visit everyone so as not to put anyone out. By the time we had 3 children under 5 we came to our sences and said to all that they were very welcome to visit us at any time but life was too hectic and stressful for us to do any travelling for a while. They moaned and groaned a bit but eventually got the idea. Now a few years on we have no "obligation visits" (I would say break the cycle now- the lifting of pressure is great)and strangely enough the ILS have suddenly found ways of travelling to see us!!! Good luck and don't feel bad because they are too selfish to remember the pressures of havinf a young, demanding family!

Jimjams if the solution works for you and your family - think of no one else here - then it is right - don;t worry about people kicking up with everything you have on their plate they are being sooooo selfish not getting off their arses and coming to visit you.

I hope you have a wonderful time and if anyone is nasty about it you give me their phone number and I will do a pregnant angry woman on them ok.

Have a great time too and hope your new car is fab!!

No our solution didn't go down well!

So.... we thought about going to see SIL seperately, but there was basically only one week she wanted us to come so we've canned that one.

MIL didn't want us there when she wasn't there, so dh is now taking 2 weeks off and we will go to MILs for 5 days to a week after they are back from holiday. Personally I think its a bit daft as SIL is due the week after so they may well not be there anyway. Also we have said we are not booking until we know the situation on my scan as that is due that week I think.

It's all going to be a bit of a nightmare (MIL will be very stressed) but I thought if we did this now then we're not going to be hassled to do it with 3 kids. I don't think we could even be safe on a ferry next year with ds1, ds2 being just 3 and a baby lol.

We've binned the xmas duty visits. As soon as we had kids - basically said anyone is welcome to come to us, but we don't go anywhere. We also refuse to fly wuith ds1. I think we do need to get out of this every other year summer at the in-laws routine as its just getting too stressful with ds1. If we get a camper van maybe we could pop in on our own holiday sometime and camp down the road or something.

oh the second week we will spend at home and do day trips to different places- so that'll be nice.

Hope these amended plans go down better. I think you are very wise to see this year as marking the end of the visiting inlaws every other year routine.

As long as you keep making regular gestures regarding inviting them over, they can't justify feeling left out. I have to say, considering your commitments - two children, a third on the way, a long journey, I find it self centered of your MIL to say she'd prefer you didn't stay in her house while she was away. If's she's going to be like that, it lets you off the hook.

I think she meant that she wanted to see the kids as well- rather than we weren't welcome to the house (at least I hope that's what she meant!) BUt yes I do think we need to get out of the every other year routine. Mind you after a week with ds1 in her house she may well not want us back anyway

I'm still worried that he'll refuse to go in the house when we arrive!