Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice much needed... DS sleeping in our bed...Relationship falling apart...

39 replies

EnjoyEveryDay · 19/12/2006 14:40

My first new thread on mumsnet... I've been reading every day since I found the site a month ago and you all seem fantastic. Can you help...

I'm feeling completely at a loss as to what to do - DS is 16 months old and after a fantastic start (sleeping through by 12 weeks in his cot!) a couple of illnesses and moving house completely unsettled him and we stupidly got into the routine of letting him stay in our bed.
(Mainly because we just loved him being as close as possible at all times, especially when he wasn't well!)
I work long hours and am often ready for bed as soon as DS is asleep! Since I've gone back to work I think we've taken each other for granted and pretty much had no time for each other.
I still felt happy with everything though, (love DH to bits), we've had great holidays and good nights out, and I hoped that once we got DS back in his cot we would get our closeness back.
However, DH has gone the other way, and 2 weeks ago announced that he didn't feel the same anymore and didn't see a future with me!
He's moved back to his parents for the moment and says he doesn't know if he wants to try to work things out...
After 13 years together and a 1 year old baby... he doesn't know if he wants to try?!!!!

I'm devastated - been together since we were 15! Still get on great and love him so much.
So now I have to try and get through the hell of Christmas without the man I love.

And also I still have the issue of how to get DS back into his cot!! (Although I must selfishly admit that I actually want DS in bed with me at the moment for lots of cuddles!)

I just feel desperate and completely lost...

OP posts:
Pennies · 19/12/2006 14:42

Sorry you are going through this. Has DH said it is purely because of the co-sleeping?

nothercules · 19/12/2006 14:44

There must be more to it then simply cosleeping. How about seeing relate?

Original poster
EnjoyEveryDay · 19/12/2006 14:51

I think the fact that DS wasn't planned and he's changed our lives so much is the main issue.
We were always partying, going out whenever we felt like it, fantastic holidays etc.

So yes you're right it's definitely not just the co-sleeping.
I think that the sleeping has just became his excuse for the fact that we weren't as close anymore.
We were tending to give all of our attention to DS rather than each other!

But we have good jobs, money for nice holidays and parents who are fantastic and will look after DS quite often for us.

So I guess it's just that we've lost the old life, as well as the closeness with each other - and rather than address those things he's just left!

OP posts:
lulumama · 19/12/2006 14:52

this is much deeper than the co sleeping.....but a lot of relationships do break up within a year of the first baby arriving.......

you;ve been together a long time, but are still only young..maybe having a baby is too much for him..and he has been used to being the number one priority?

it would seem unfair and cruel for him to move out and not make any attempt to work things through.but maybe the space will help him...

maybe worry about where DS sleeps when you know where your relationship is going, especially if you are enjoying it...

poppynic · 19/12/2006 15:04

You poor thing - of course you feel desperate and lost. I agree with the others, it's not just about co-sleeping. I would definitely continue co-sleeping until dh chooses to return.

Just want to say that our first year after an unexpected (and, in dp's case, unwanted) baby was absolute hell and we did go through several phases of not knowing if we would last. However, as the demands of the early months lessened and dp and I worked out how to parent together things have just kept improving.

I really hope things go upwards from here on for you too.

Not sure how things work here, but I'm a big fan of counselling. Can you go to Relate by yourself initially, if he doesn't want to come, to give you some ideas about how to proceed relationship-wise?

Good luck.

Original poster
EnjoyEveryDay · 19/12/2006 15:05

I guess so. It is nice having him in bed with me.

But then I think for ds he would be better off in the long run being settled back in his own bed. I will want him there eventually so shouldn't be so selfish!

Plus I don't know if we'll ever work it out with ds in the middle!! IYKWIM!

OP posts:
Original poster
EnjoyEveryDay · 19/12/2006 15:08

I suggested relate last night and he actually did seem keen to go - to at least try and work out why he's feeling like this.
I think you're right and we should just do it. If he's willing to go then I would like to think there's hope...

OP posts:
bluejelly · 19/12/2006 15:10

Although co-sleeping is nice ( I did it for 2 years) it is a bit of a relationship killer. No space to be alone, no space to be a couple.
Also he probably feels as if you prefer your son to him ( you might, but should never let on)
But he should've talked about it not just run off to his mother's.
I suggest you get on the phone and have a big proper chat, ask to go to relate, acknowledge the fact that cosleeping hasn't helped the relationship and that you are prepared to help try and recapture the 'fun' of your relationship through spending quality time as a couple ( without your son) as well as quality time as a family.
Good luck, it doesn't sound like you are flogging a dead horse anyway, more that you guys have some serious talking to do

bluejelly · 19/12/2006 15:11

Sorry I sent this before I'd seen your most recent post
Great news that he's interested in relate anyhow

poppynic · 19/12/2006 15:12

That sounds really good.

I love sleeping next to my ds - prefer it in fact (she whispers). He has probably picked up the vibes and needs a bit of extra support at the moment too - I would just enjoy each other for now.

poppynic · 19/12/2006 15:14

And I agree with bluejelly.

Original poster
EnjoyEveryDay · 19/12/2006 15:18

I will look into relate now and speak to him tonight about actually going as soon as we can.

Do you think I should tell him that he should come home for Christmas - even if he doesn't want to?!

OP posts:
Ash80 · 19/12/2006 15:25

Im so sorry to hear about your DH. Are you it was just that cosleeping that was the problem.Is it definetly over or do u think you could try and work it out.

It is definetly tough in the begining, it requires work on both sides.As i think we get so caught up with the baby that we forger each other!

I sincerely hope things work out for you Enjoyeveryday. {{ hugs }}

Original poster
EnjoyEveryDay · 19/12/2006 15:28

Thanks Ash I think we did get so cought up in DS that we forgot about each other. I sincerely hope we can work it out - I want nothing more.
Although he seemed pretty certain it was over (especially to leave us the week before Christmas) but his willingness to go to relate seems positive. Like somewhere inside him he does want to try - even though he's saying he doesn't! If that makes sense!

OP posts:
purpleturtle · 19/12/2006 15:32

Do you really want him there for Christmas, if he doesn't want to be there?

Perhaps you could plan to spend some time with him, as a family, but without the pressure (as he may perceive it) of a complete return while things are as unresolved as they sound?

Original poster
EnjoyEveryDay · 19/12/2006 15:39

Feel as though I want him there on any terms at the moment as I miss him so much!
Part of me thinks if he's close by then we have more chance of working it out.

But maybe quality time as a family with none of those day to day 'pressures' so to speak may make him realise what he's missing...

OP posts:
ratclare · 19/12/2006 18:05

ooh hands up those who would like to go home to thier parents when life doesnt go exactely their way? Honestly i am truly sorry for your hurt at the moment but your darling husband is acting like a spoilt child and i cant believe his parents are pandering to him. Perhaps now would be a good time to point out to him that if he doesnt pull his finger out and attempt reconciliation his new free life will be a whole lot pooerer when youve got half of his wealth

I guess i can kiss the job at relate goodbye

KTreePee · 19/12/2006 18:22

Ratclare, I agree in some ways with your sentiments but it is a sad fact that often even the most previously caring of men can react very badly to a new baby and be very jealous of not being No 1 any more and the changes to their lifestyle. Yes it's very childish but it is a common reaction .

ratclare · 19/12/2006 19:57

so all women who marry men should take parenting classes even before having children because they are going to need those skills for thier husband as much as their kids

Original poster
EnjoyEveryDay · 19/12/2006 20:26

I think you're definitely right!

After a 2 hour conversation tonight I asked him was his life really that bad that it was worth walking out on his wife and child without trying. (Bearing in mind we have good jobs, lots of family support, have great times together, and on top of that, he has regular lads nights out, goes to the gym every day, and he even goes away on lads weekends a couple of times a year. All of which I didn't mind... until now!!!)... He didn't answer!

I then asked him if he didn't he feel that it was his responsibility as a husband and father to at least try... he didn't answer!

I then said how happy we'd been. How we could rekindle the relationship. I thought of all the little things we could do to get things back on track and enjoy being with each other again. And then... his response was that he didn't know if this was the life he wanted anymore!

As much as I love him - I just can't take that anymore. I've asked him to leave and not to contact me again until he knows what he does want. I guess I need to start putting me and ds first because if I don't, no-one else will!

OP posts:
Original poster
EnjoyEveryDay · 19/12/2006 20:30

By the way - I've asked a million times if there's someone else - that was my first thought! He insists there isn't - he just doesn't want this life anymore!!

Lucky him - to be able to walk away from a 1 year old baby and live a care free single life while I pick up the pieces!!!

Sorry - rant over! (So nice to have someone to rant to!)

I'm now going to open a bottle of wine, put the christmas music on and wrap ds's presents. Need some christmas spirit back in this house

OP posts:
KTreePee · 19/12/2006 20:35

for you that he feels like this - as a parent it is something I could never do (walk away from my child for no good reason I mean).

Sounds soooo immature for someone I assume is in his late 20s? I'm sure his new fabulous life will be a great comfort to him when he is old and lonely cos he has no family....

MistletoeMiggins · 19/12/2006 20:35

sounds like my selfish exH
he told me he deserved to be happy for the next 40 yrs...and Im sure he is now with his GF 3hrs away from his children

he gets to be part time dad & rich couple the rest of the time

you can do this without your DP if he is too selfish to accept his life is DIFFERENT - not worse....

unfortunately some men dont take to fatherhood

there are plenty who do

MistletoeMiggins · 19/12/2006 20:38

NOT lucky him for being able to walk away

POOR him that he doesnt realise what hes throwing away

my ex left (asked him to leave) last Nov.
Here we are 13mths on
Went on Santa express at weekend with my parents & my brother & family - it was fab!

daddy rang as usual & asked DS what he had done that day....DS told him about Santa....H said he wished he could have been there....

"well daddy, thats another reason why you shouldnt have left" said DS....4 1/2

no prompt from me at all - DS knows the score....sad but there we are.

pooka · 19/12/2006 20:41

EED I think you are being remarkably upbeat. I am so for you. Think that there is a limit to how much you can influence him but definitely think relate may be a good way to go.
Good luck and hope you have a lovely Christmas with your ds.

Swipe left for the next trending thread