Advice much needed... DS sleeping in our bed...Relationship falling apart...

[EnjoyEveryDay]

My first new thread on mumsnet... I've been reading every day since I found the site a month ago and you all seem fantastic. Can you help...

I'm feeling completely at a loss as to what to do - DS is 16 months old and after a fantastic start (sleeping through by 12 weeks in his cot!) a couple of illnesses and moving house completely unsettled him and we stupidly got into the routine of letting him stay in our bed.
(Mainly because we just loved him being as close as possible at all times, especially when he wasn't well!)
I work long hours and am often ready for bed as soon as DS is asleep! Since I've gone back to work I think we've taken each other for granted and pretty much had no time for each other.
I still felt happy with everything though, (love DH to bits), we've had great holidays and good nights out, and I hoped that once we got DS back in his cot we would get our closeness back.
However, DH has gone the other way, and 2 weeks ago announced that he didn't feel the same anymore and didn't see a future with me!
He's moved back to his parents for the moment and says he doesn't know if he wants to try to work things out...
After 13 years together and a 1 year old baby... he doesn't know if he wants to try?!!!!

I'm devastated - been together since we were 15! Still get on great and love him so much.
So now I have to try and get through the hell of Christmas without the man I love.

And also I still have the issue of how to get DS back into his cot!! (Although I must selfishly admit that I actually want DS in bed with me at the moment for lots of cuddles!)

I just feel desperate and completely lost...

lucky him indeed - twat! I do hope that he comes to his senses and I hope his parents are giving him grief for being such a selfish arse. Are you getting support from friends and family? I hope so. Keep your chin up and have a big swig of that vino.

Oh poor you. Keep your ds in your bed for the moment, that's what I'd do anyway. Enjoy cuddling him and sort out the going in his own bed when you're ready.

Is your dh in shock at becoming a parent? I've only read your first post but I wonder if this is it. I know lots of men who found it very difficult. OK, just skimmed and he's being an arse. My advice is

Offer going to counselling, tell him you'd like to try but don't treat him like a small boy, he's a grown up and if he won't behave like one you haven;t got the energy or inclination to baby him/wheedle his problems out of him

concentrate on gettng on with your life, enjoing your job and boy, don't worry about the co sleeping

Don't feel you HAVE to DO anything. Time can change things. I'm no suggesting you leave it for ever but I do think we (all) sometimes feel a need to FIX IT NOW and sometimes we need time and not to fix it all now.

Poor you, I do sympathise but he sounds like the one who's the loser here.

Thank you everyone, you're fantastic.

My friends and family are great, but also they know him and are all so upset themselves. Sometimes I can't deal with the sympathy when all I want to do is have a good rant!!
(But also cautious that don't want to turn it into a full scale attack on him in case we manage to get through this - even though he's being an complete arse!)

His parents have phoned me in tears but I feel like saying to them 'I cant bloody comfort you! Go back and tell him to grow up and face his responsibilities'! They never would though - he's an only child and can do no wrong!

Will still try relate cause I meant my vows and I want to do everything I can to keep this family together.

He's 29 at the moment - perhaps when he turns 30 in March he will have a brain transplant and get his old one back!

Vino is doing the treat and tomorrow is another day!

I do not have a lot to add but read your thread and wanted to offer my support, listen to www, she speaks very wise words.

Hope you can gets things back on track

You should say that to his parents imo, why should you comfort them? They should be asking you if there's anything they can do imo, not calling to hand wring!

Btw, I had my ds in my bed from when I split up with his father when he was 2 to when I decided I wanted him out of it, when he was 3. And when I decided, I just did it and it was sorted within a week ish.

Thanks www. You're absolutely right. Having ds with me at the moment gives me strength and makes me happy - plus it's lovely to have those cuddles whenever I want. Feels like a weight has been lifted not to be worrying about getting him in his own bed right now. I shouldn't be adding to the stress! Thanks!

when my exh left, I must admit I did a little co-sleeping with my 2 (took it in turns) but like WWW says, you can soon knock it on the head

agree though, look after yourself - you dont need to be watching peoples feelings cos THEY ARE UPSET FFS

be polite but str with inlaws next time they phone

Aahh - turning 30 soon - obviously having an early mid-life crisis

Is there some sort of cure for a mid life crisis?!
I hope so!!

EED. Ah, the pre-30 crisis. Guaranteed to f**k everything up good and proper!(scuse my French.) My background (good lifestyle etc. wonderful marriage) and relationship length is almost exactly the same as yours and 12 months ago my dh did exactly the same as your has. In fact he said the same things, almost word for word. Completely out of the blue. Only difference is we don't have kids, but were getting ready to (well I was.....)

I was devastated, everything fell apart. Couldn't sleep or eat and he moved out.

DH agreed to come to Relate to understand why it had happened but he didn't feel it was solvable or that he even wanted to try.

Will give you the wisdom (?) of what I learned. I know your situation may be different but your DH sounds like mine. I say the things below only on the assumption that he is deep down a good guy (is he?) and that you've had a good relationship up until recently.

• something happened to change the way he feels about you, most obvious is the arrival and responsibility of your little one but it may equally be something else. Don't assume it's definitely one thing. Hopefully Relate will help him articulate it. Probably it built over time but then came to a head and he had to take some sort of action. (and, predictably enough, he took the cra**y male way out of leaving you as his cry for help) But as things are, he proabably doesn't want to be with you, because he isn't getting what he needs form the relationship.(not to say that can't change though)

• I expect he feels just as bewildered and hurt as you on one level - he probably didn't ask to feel like this. But at the moment you are getting just the hard - I don't want to be with you - bit. His upset bit will come out later.

• When he said the life you have is not the one he wants anymore, i think that's really telling. He may feel trapped and that he is stuck with how things are now.

• He needs to understand that things can be different and that the family he has with you and DS is the desirable option. He will reach this conclusion only if you are willing to truly listen to what he needs and how he needs things to be.

• find out what his ideal life would be, really, his true dreams and how he'd like things to be. Then, work out together how you can make them happen. Unless he wants to be single you can work together to do things differently. If he was happy with you for 13 years and OK with the concept of kids until recently I think he can be again, just with things a bit different.

• he's likely to need quite a bit of space to work all this stuff out. Don't force him into a decision too soon.

• you need to look after yourself and DS, take the support you need from family and friends and do things to boost your self-esteem (spa day excuse...) whilst this is happeneing to you.

• You might ask, what about what I want and need in all this (and quite right too - what he has done to you is very, very bad) but he is the one who has gone and, if you want to be with him, you must look to what he needs. BUT also be very clear about what you fundamentally need as well.

Reading this back, it doesn't sound like a very feminist approach but it worked for me as I knew my DH was such a good loving guy at heart and deserved all my understanding, that somehow we had managed to mess things up.

I hope there are some useful bits in there - based on my situation not yours so some elements will be different with you guys. DH and I are back together, things are wonderful now, moving abroad in Feb for a year he bought a jetski and he's excited about the rest of our lives and kids pretty soon too. I am slightly less of a controlling,emotional nightmare than I used to be as well.

Big hugs to you xxx

P.s. God this turned into a bit of an essay!

PS Mumsnet is great and you will get lots of different views on the situation, but remember only you know your DH the best and whether he is deserving of "all men are basically bas*ards" or "nice guy,a bit screwed up"

I think you need to get him to articulate - either now or when you go to Relate - what it is about his life now that he doesn't want. Unless he can do this, then there's nothing you can do to deal with it - and then it's very easy to start thinking it's your fault somehow.

Having a baby, especially if you didn't plan it, throws everything up in the air and it's such a huge weight of responsibility and commitment. I think women deal with it better. Not because we're better but because usually we're the ones having to do the day-to-day stuff, and simply just have to get on with it. It's very easy for men to feel left out and that they are not required in the same way. And, of course, life does change in so many ways.

I hope that you manage to sort this out, and am very glad that it seems as if you have a good, close support network.

Thank you so much. Kirton, your experience was a great help and lots of comfort to me.
DH is (deep down) a good person and until now, has been a fantastic husband and father.

That's why I'm trying to be there for him and be supportive because I do want us to be together.
I will definitely talk to him about what he wants out of life and how we could achieve those things together and as a family.

But I'm scared too, mainly because some of the things he's said (mainly not thinking he loves me and ds enough to try!) have hurt me that much that I think I'm building up a barrier now to try and protect myself and ds from any more hurt.

I think your advice to take all the support I need from friends and family and do things to make myself feel better will be really important. Especially at this time of year. Then hopefully I can be strong enough to give him the space he needs and keep being there to listen to him and try to work through it all.

Although one thing I have realised today - he's left us and is still doing all of his normal things (footy, pub etc) and I am no longer happy to sit in and hope that he'll call round or tell me he loves me!! This may take a while. And I do think that I need to stop being a mug and stand up for myself too. If he wants to see me and ds it needs to be on my terms now - no more sitting around hoping the phone will ring or the door will open!
I will be there for him. But I also want me and ds to be happy NOW - not just when he's made his decision!

wow
you poor things

It sounds to me like he thinks life will always be like it is now (ie he can't see past having a 1yo)

Have you pointed out to him that kids do grow up? That soon ds will start walking and talking and playing footie and shouting I LOVE YOU DADDY and does he want to miss out on all of this.

TBH I don't blame him, I bet most of us have felt like walking away at some point (be honest) though of course we haven't done it. He has taken the easy way out running back to mummy and daddy. Maybe if they weren't so complicit and made him stand on his own two feet, get his own place and see what life is really like on the other side on his own rather than mollycoddling him it may be better.

I really hope you can work it out
Relate sounds like a very good first step