Problems With My Sister..... Again.

[Toothache]

Maybe a few people remember a short time ago I posted a thread (under my old name M2T) about my sister. Her boyfriend had allegedly assaulted her, parents called to her house.... boyfriend arrested.... she went to the station the next morning, dropped the charges and all was forgotten!!

Well.... she's done it again.

I got a call last night at 11pm from my Mum. She said she was up at my sisters flat and that her boyfriend had 'allegedly' assaulted her and left. My sister had gotten violent with my Mum and threw and ironing board at her.... my Mum had slapped her to calm her down and my sister had phoned 999 to have my MUM arrested!!!!

My sister gets very violent and confrontational with alcohol and ....yes... she was drunk. As she was the last time she accused her boyfriend of assaulting her.

I live 20 miles away, have no car and I'm 7mths pregnant. I didn't understand why my Mum phoned me, but realised she was probably scared. She was waiting until the police arrived. Meanwhile my sister is running around outside screaming that my Mum had 'battered' her. Next thing I hear the door, I asked if that was her back in, Mum said Yes. Next thing I hear my sister shouting, "Who the F*k are you on the phone to??? Get off the fking phone." My Mum told her it was me and she said "What the f*k are you phoning her for".... there was a lot of rustling, then the phone went dead.

I tried to phone back, but it was switched off. I panicked, but I knew the police were on their way (even if it was for the wrong person). I phoned the local police station to check they were nearly there and to explain about the phonecall I had just had.

I finally got an answer on my Mum's mobile and told her I had spoken to the police. I could hear my sister muttering in the background. My Mum then cracked up at me asking Why I'D phoned the Police!!!!!?!?!? I explained that I was scared for her and she just said "You're sisters fine now".... I felt SO stupid and confused. What was I meant to do???

Everytime my sister acts like this I get really scared for my Mum & Dad, but the second she calms down it's all forgotten and SOMEHOW I ended up on the bad side of my Mum for trying to do what I could to help.

I'm angry, confused, fed-up and desperate about the whole situation.

My sister needs help, I don't believe that her boyofriend has actually assaulted her EVER. She has always been a liar and an attention-seeker. But for my Mum to panic me like that and then turn it around the minute my sister calms down?

Did I do something wrong? Why won't anyone hold my sister responsible for her own actions? My Mum fell out with me for a week for telling her she was wrong to give my son Peanut Butter...... yet my sister can assault her and try to get her arrested and the next day all is forgiven.

I have reached a point where I actually wish my sister would leave us all alone. I actually said to DH that I wished she would just die in her sleep, like putting an animal out of it's misery. I haven't even seen her since my wedding last year and don't want to. But I know if I say that to my Mum then suddenly sis will be the martyr and I'll be the bad sister for refusing to see her.
She takes cocaine too, which is probably responsible for a lot of her actions.

NB: My Dad knows nothing about this incident as he works 500 miles away during the week, so Mum was alone.

Why did my Mum make a fool of me like that? I just want to get on my quiet-ish family life in peace. I was dragged into this last night and was left feeling stupid, hurt and used by my own Mum.

Rant over.... just needed to type all that out.

Incidentally - This is my OLDER sister I'm talking about. She's 27.

Your sister obviously has some problem is there something taht makes your Mum extra protective of her - All you can do is be supportiv and do what you feel is right - if your mum did not want help then she should not have phoned you - is there ant way to get your sister to seek help - Can not help really other than if she is in an abusive relationship then it may be that her self esteem is so low that she lashes out as form of defence

You sound so miserable Toothache and it's not surprising. What a terrifying situation and of course you did the only thing you could do in the circumstances - much worse if you hadn't rung the police and your Mum had been hurt. No advice or help to offer but I do know what you mean about wishing that family members could just cease to exist. Was there any action by the police following the call, or did your Mum just send them away? But you don't have to find that out, you did what you could and it is ultimately up to them. best wishes.

Hi t-ache, sorry to hear about your family troubles ... As parents, we all make excuses and defend our children but IMO this is a bit extreme, like Gm's already said, your Mum wouldn't have phoned you if she wasn't looking for support. Is it the alcohol that makes your sister lash out? or was she like this when she was younger (pre-alcohol)?

Gothicmama - She's been like this since her late teens though. Her boyfriend has only been on the scene since she was 24. She has always had a violent streak and my Mum has told me she's scared of her.

I actually think that it's probably the other way around and she assaults her boyfriend. He's a horrible man, always in trouble with the police for driving offences and drugs. But he's a right little weed. She had a showdown with him at my wedding, she was drinking again.... and taking cocaine (one of my friends found her snorting it in the toilets). She went for him and he cowered!!

It's so enbarassing and worrying. I can't talk to my sister at all. If I suggested counselling for her to my Mum, Dad or sister then I would be the hysterical one over-reacting to the whole situation.

It's always the same.... one minute she's mental and needs help (parents words)... the next day it's just put down to her being drunk and silly.

Sorry...posts crossed.

I have no idea what happened after that. I would imagine I was painted to be some drama-queen for phoning the police again to check they were coming.... and that my Mum and sister would just send them away.

My Mum didn't even have the decency to phone me back to let me know what was happening to try to stop me worrying.

She is always like that when she drinks, but is occasionally like that sober too. When she's sober it usually stops at shouting abuse at my Mum, me... ANYONE in the street who might look at her the wrong way.

It looks like paranoia to me, caused by the drugs. She and her boyfriend are fast getting a name for themselves in the area they live in. She also smokes a lot of hash, I just wish it would calm her down!

Drinking and Drugs particularly hash can cause paranoia Think I would try to stay out of it all if poss you have to think about you and your family. Your sister may want help one day let everyone know when that happens you will be supportive do not think there is much else you can do I think you have been very supportive

GM - I get so caught up in it all. I know that somehow I will be painted as the hysterical person to detract from the seriousness of my sisters behaviour. I suppose I'm at the stage now where I don't give a sh*t about her. I care more about how my Mum treats me and how I'm perceived by the people around her that listen to the crap she spouts. Sad isn't it?

I'm a scapegoat for my Mum's anger at my sister. She's too scared to say anything to her.... so she goes off at me instead. I'm sick of it. I can't be used and hurt like this anymore. But don't know how to stop it apart from alienating myself from my Mum too.

You obviously can't talk to your sister, she isn't going to take a blind bit of notice, but IMO you should do your best to make your parents realise this problem is not going away and is getting increasing worse. I personally would try and get as much information from the available sources and go and talk to your parents about it, the Samaritans could probably help and give you local sources of info. The increasing level of violence is particularly worrying, you need to ask your parents how they'll feel when she's seriously injured someone, could even be them. Your Mum's no doubt very worried about all of this and accusing you of being the drama queen is her way of pointing the finger of blame at someone elses door (not that any of this is anyone's fault IYSWIM!). By making excuses for your sister, she thinks she's protecting when really she is in denial, because this won't help her in the long run. Sorry, not a great deal of advice but HTH

ooh I dont know what advise to give I suppose you can either accept that this is what is happenning or try and change it . it is easier for your mum to sound off to you because she knows you will be there for her can you tell her how you feel when there is not a drama going on hope this helps sending youshugs

Littlemissbossy - You're advice is fab, I should go speak to someone about it. At least I would feel in my heart that I was actively doing something.

You are spot on with my Mum's denial. She does that with a lot of things in life.

You're all wonderful as usual. Luckily I don't live anywhere near my sister now. I have been distancing myself from her for years. But my parents just don't get it. They honestly think I'm the bad one not going to visit her.

I didn't want her as a bridesmaid at my wedding and my parents were horrified.... my Dad said that I was being selfish and it was a disgrace I wasn't asking my sister. So I asked her... she promptly said "No way".... case finished. But then my parents said the only reason she refused was because it was an afterthought! Too right it was... I didn't even want her there at all as I knew she would drink! And true enough she embarassed us all again. And horrified DH's family with the way she spoke to my Mum.

IMO what your parents need to understand is that this is NOT normal behaviour and perhaps, the reasons why you have distanced yourself from her, it's quite sad really that you have no relationship with your "big sister"
I have to take ds to nursery now, but I'll be around later if you want a chat

I tend to agree with Beetroot. It's probably hard for your mum to admit to herself that your sister has gone so badly wrong because she would probably then have to blame herself. If you feel guilty (like your mum probably does - I think I'd feel guilty if my son turned out like that) - then it's a really common reaction to look for someone else to take the blame, and it seems, sadly, that that person is you. You mum feels guilty, upset and embarrassed by the whole sordid scene, knows she can't talk to your sis - she's bonkers and dangerous - so takes out her feelings on you. Of course that's unreasonable and wrong. While your mum is in denial there is nothing you can do. YOu could say, "I called the police because I was worried about you - unlike someone else, I wasn't trying to get you arrested. I will not be blamed for this. You know that I wasn't the unreasonable violent one here, and I feel happy I did the right thing." If your mum won't accept that, it is her problem. I know it's horrible to feel alienated from your family, but you have your own family now and that must come first - your ds, your bump, you and your dh. Put your limited pregnant energies there and thank God that your life is so different to your sister's.

Aloha's advice is spot on - as usual

The only thing I would add is to tell your mum that altohugh you love her and your sister (?), your priority (as Aloha says) is your family - your ds, your bump, your dh and YOU - and that you don't have engouh "YOU" to stretch around!

You could add that if there is something SPECIFIC she wants you to do to help, she can can ring and see IF you are able - but to accept that you might not be able to. If she rings like she did last night, ask very pleansantly, WHAT it is she wants you to do. If she can't say, then just say, "Sorry Mum, I'm not able to help" and refuse to get more involved.

Difficult I know, but you need to look after YOURSELF. You've got your OWN family now to think of. Don't waste any more of your precious energy getting upset about things you CAN'T change.

They (your Mum and sister) are responsible for their OWN actions. You can't fix their problems for them - they have to want to do it themselves.

Thanks Littlemissbossy and Aloha.

My DH just spoke to my Mum and she never mentioned it. I'm at work and he is home with a sick ds. My Mum usually watches ds overnight on an Thursdays, but he was phoning to say he's too ill.

She told him that she was going to come around to visit me this afternoon anyway! My Mum NEVER comes around to visit me.... except to collect/drop off ds.
Hopefully she is coming around to explain what happened last night and apologise for dragging me into it.

I will tell her I don't want to be involved with any more of my sisters antics.

I'm going home in an hour as I'm not feeling too great either.... commoner garden sickness bug ds has brought home. I can't handle a confrontation with my mother so fingers-crossed it's a constructive visit.

Hi toothache, I agree with beetroot that you need to distance yourself from the situation. You did what you could to help last night and got the blame, and you have been supportive in the past. You should make it clear that if they ever genuinely want your help and support to resolve the situation permanently, you are there for them (if you want to be), but at 7 months pregnant, you need to look after yourself, focus on your own health and wellbeing and relax. Thinking of you.

Thanks Janz.

Hi Toothache - what a horrible thing to have happened to oyu and a dreadful situation to be in.
I think that Beetroot & Aloha's advice was spot on - distance yourself form your sister and Mum. You have your own family now - and how lucky are t=you for having them!!

..and thanks CarribeanQueen.

If I were you honey I would say that I didn't want to know when stuff like this happens - no matter how much your mum needed help or someone to talk to she should not have phoned you at 7 months pregnant and a while away.

When it gets to the stage that you being involved is doing nothing for the other parties and yuor behaviour is being questioned I always feel like it is time to wash my hands - think really you should tell your parents that if they don't want to help your sister in a way that really helps her and I mean them actually laying some blame at her door and getting her counselling or a rehab programme then you are washing your hands of her completely - you still want a relationship with them but are not prepared to let your sister encroach on this and cause stress to you at a time in your life when you least need it.

I did this with my sister - completely turned my back on her for a number of years until she got herself together and now althuogh we are not firm friends I am able to support her and help her to a degree - although she still acts as though the world is against her abnd she has never done anythig wrong which makes me want to punch her - but I find her bearable now and am actually glad that I have a relationship with her.

Think of you at the moment and tell your parents that they need to do the same.

Let us know how it goes. Hopefully she will apologise and you can explain that you dont' want to be dragged your sis's problems when there is nothing you can do. whatever happens, don't let her have another go at you.
And have a rest - I hope you feel better soon and don't have THE BUG!

I've a funny feeling that the next time I see or hear from my sister will be when I have the baby. She'll come into the hospital trying to take over, telling my friends to let her hold her niece/nephew and that they should get out of the way.... she did this with ds.

The last time/place I want a confrontation is when I've just given birth. But I hate the thought of having my mother relay the message that I don't want her there.

Maybe I should just text her....

Thanks again everybody.

How are you Twinkie? Haven't 'spoken' to you for a while.

Sounds like you should definitely distance yourself from your sister, but not from your mum unless it's unavoidable. Fingers crossed she's coming round to be constructive.
Try to stay calm and just explain that you do care but you're not in a position at the moment to be able to take on helping someone who is violent and irrational (which your sister is bound to be if she is both drinking heavily and drug dependent). Perhaps if you offer to be there as someone for your mum to talk to if she's finding it difficult to cope, but make it clear you can't get involved directly. xx