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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Horrible angry explosions

37 replies

SisterSage · 11/01/2016 09:32

Been in a relationship 3 years, married last year, 1 DS. Everything great apart from this periodic explosiveness that I don't know how to deal with. Often triggered by tiredness but not always. This morning I woke up with DS on me in our bed, both of us covered in wee possibly need to go up a nappy size. It was about half 6 so not stupidly early. I woke DH, asked him to deal with DS while I sorted myself out. He didn't move and was a bit resistant. I went to get changed and put on my bedside light to find a top. At which point DH told me to go fuck myself . I got very upset and basically, because this happens every few weeks, said I was leaving, that I find it totally unacceptable being spoken to like that.he persuaded me to stay and talk and we've agreed to.go to counselling. 3 hours later though he's still very angry with me. Says if I'm prepared to leave over this I can't love him that much. I do, but he sees this as normal - I think his parents were very explosive growing up - whereas while I realise a bit of arguing is normal I don't think it's normal to speak to each other so horribly. I don't know how to make him takr me seriously though that I really can't live with it. We just seem to go round in circles. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

LittleLegs25 · 11/01/2016 09:46

Its definitely not normal to be spoken to so horribly and it isn't normal for someone to react so nastily to you putting on a bedside lamp!!

I would make sure he does the couples counselling with you and see if that helps. If not then he probably has no intention of changing.

Racmactac · 11/01/2016 09:56

I put up with this shit for years- believe me it wont get any better.

I am now with someone else who would not dream of speaking to me like that ever. If I asked him to do that he would jump out of bed, help me, sort ds and make me a cuppa.

You don't have to put up with that shit - tell him if he loved you that much he would show you some dam respect and change his behaviour

Joysmum · 11/01/2016 10:00

Says if I'm prepared to leave over this I can't love him that much

If he loved you that much he couldn't bring himself to speak to you like that.

The fact that you love him is the reason you didn't walk away the first, second, third....time.

However much you love somebody, doesn't give them free rein to treat you in a way they'd never treat anyone else.

BreakfastLunchPasta · 11/01/2016 10:05

He treats you like that and yet you're the bad guy?

You are not over reacting. I'd be extremely upset too if someone spoke to me like that.
I don't know what you should do about it, but I know it's abusive, and it doesn't sound like he thinks there's anything wrong with abusing you.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/01/2016 10:06

We just seem to go round in circles
Because he's never had any consequences.
You say you'll leave. He persuades you to stay and so the cycle continues.
Until you can threaten and then follow through on the threat then it will keep going around in circles.
No-one and I mean NO-ONE deserves to be spoken to like that.
I'd have upped and left there and then if anyone spoke to me like that.
It's NOT acceptable.
So follow through on your threat or he'll think it's acceptable and just keep doing it.
It's called verbal abuse!!!!

Hillfarmer · 11/01/2016 10:08

That's awful OP. And blaming you for his awful behaviour. He is being a bully. He should be contrite and desperate to make it up to you. Try counselling, but don't let him use it to blame you for his behaviour.

Has this escalated since your son was born by the way? Very common for that to happen. It's not just baby stress either. Sorry everyone, but here's a hug.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2016 10:09

You will get him to take you seriously if you follow through on your threats and stop letting him talk you round only to repeat the same behaviour again

Snowglobe1 · 11/01/2016 10:11

I don't think that's anything, to be honest. And you should take that as a warning, because that's how my relationship was at that point. Ten years in, if all I was told was to go fuck myself, when I should have been apologising profusely for daring to turn on the light, I'd think it had been a really good day. Do something now, it just gets worse.

Original poster

SisterSage · 11/01/2016 12:07

I don't mean it's just him that speaks nastily - I do too. I think? it's usually him who starts it, but eg layer in the argument this morning I called him pathetic. I don't like either of us acting like this to each other. I do know he hates having lights put on suddenly, but I really wasnt thinking and was a bit grumpy myself about the whole waking up drenched in wee episode.

But yes I think being sworn at is just no good. We've made an appointment for counselling. Will see if that helps. I basically think we need to get to the point where even if he doesn't see it as a big deal, he cats enough that I do not to do it.

I'm every other way he really is lovely. He's kind, thoughtful, hardworking. More than pulls his weight with DS, often does small things just to make me happy. Has taken on being sole earner while I finish my degree without a murmur. I love him to bits. But for some reason I just feel that doesn't actually make up for horrible blow-ups and being spoken to vilely over nothing, even if it is hardly ever. It taints all the rest. I know in the grand scheme it seems daft to end an otherwise great relationship over what probably amounts to a few hours a month, but I think if the counselling doesn't help I will have to. Apart from anything else I don't want DS growing up thinking it's normal.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 11/01/2016 12:08

He does it because you accept it, by staying with him you are accepting it.

If any person spoke to me like that they'd not get a chance to speak to me again.

You either put up or make a stand and actually mean it.

Original poster

SisterSage · 11/01/2016 12:09

I feel so crap

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/01/2016 12:21

You feel crap because it is crap

This is not meant to be what relationships are about

Those "few hours" where he acts like a verbally abusive twat completely cancel any of the good stuff he does. he needs to understand this.

Marchate · 11/01/2016 12:59

Before you go to counselling make sure you have read up about why it's not recommended in abusive relationships

Best to be fore armed with knowledge

Original poster

SisterSage · 11/01/2016 13:21

I've read enough on mumsnet and elsewhere to know that, but thank yoi. I don't think he is abusive though (though obviously I would have to say that). As in I don't think it's done with an overall aim of controlling or manipulating me. In fact he's usually very sorry pretty instantly. The length of today's row was more caused by my reaction than anything else. I think he just sees it as a natural way of expressing irritation. Instead of saying 'you could have warned me!' or even 'ugh why did you have to put the light on?!' - both of which I would put under the heading of not particularly pleasant but understandable reactions - he heads straight for swearing and exploding. I believe his Dad did it a lot when he was younger, though is very chilled out now.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him- I find it pretty inexcusable - just trying to make myself understand, as much as anything else, why in heavens name he thinks it's ok to speak like that to someone you love. He'd never speak to DS like that - he's actually more patient with him than I am, and he is a pretty testing toddler. So why does he do it to me?!

He says it's because he's tired. But ffs - I know DS disturbs his sleep a bit

OP posts:

Original poster

SisterSage · 11/01/2016 13:22

posted too soon! -But he hasn't had him attached to his boob all night for the last 17 months. Grr. Getting cross again now...

OP posts:

Original poster

SisterSage · 11/01/2016 13:23

Sorry this is all very rambly.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 11/01/2016 13:34

If it's natural, died ge do it with anyone else or just save it up for you?

Joysmum · 11/01/2016 13:35

Wtf, sorry about that

If it's natural, does he do it with anyone else or just save it up for you?

Helennn · 11/01/2016 13:41

Nice bit of victim blaming going on there Jan 45!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/01/2016 13:46

Couples counselling seems an odd way of dealing with this. I agree there needs to be counselling but not together. This isn't a matter of poor communication between two people. What would the couples counsellor do?

Every few weeks he explodes and is verbally abusive to you. It is unacceptable behaviour. He knows it unacceptable and apologises. You know it is unacceptable and are angry with him for continuing to repeat the behaviour again and again and again, even in front of the child.

He may need professional help to stop him lashing out at you. There is no need for you to be in those sessions, indeed it is probably better if you aren't there.

You need help to get your head on straight about what you will tolerate, why, and how you want to react in future to whatever happens. You definitely need to discuss this with a counsellor, alone, without him present.

What are you hoping to get out of couples counselling?

Jan45 · 11/01/2016 13:55

No it isn't Helennn, the OP has threatened to leave numerous times, staying put and not following through is showing an acceptance of the status quo.

I don't see how couples counselling would work either, he doesn't do it to anyone else so has respect for strangers but just not his life partner, time to give an ultimatum OP.

LizzieMacQueen · 11/01/2016 13:58

Could you get him to see a GP, he may be suffering from PND if he was managing to keep his temper in check before you had your baby.

I think the fact his parents are like this is a red herring.

Original poster

SisterSage · 11/01/2016 13:59

He does snap at both his parents occasionally, though not as swearily. But in general he swears more with me than he would with them. The explosiveness is the same. But then I can see that in fact MIL would try the patience of a saint (and barely see her myself for this reason - mostly DH and DS see her the days he has off with DS). So I find myself wondering if I'm actually as irritating as she is.

He doesn't snap at DS. He doesn't (as far as I'm aware) lose his shit at work, and does deal with some exceptionally irritating people (he's a police officer). I sort of think he probably uses up his limited supply of patience on DS and work though, so I get the blowing up. Maybe.

As for couples counselling - I agree we could both probably benefit from individual counselling - but I also think we seem to be coming at this from different perspectives, and perhaps learning to communicate better generally would help.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 11/01/2016 14:01

Jan45 many victims of domestic abuse take numerous attempts to end the relationships, does that make it an 'acceptance of the status quo'?

Luckily there are women far more understanding an empathetic than you to offer good sound advice and a shoulder. I suggest you steer clear of these types of threads if the best you can offer is telling them it's their fault for accepting it by not leaving

Jan45 · 11/01/2016 14:11

This isn't DV or abuse - it's low level verbal I'd say and I'm afraid staying is a form of acceptance of the status quo - I don't think the OP is in a situation where she is being abused and therefore unable to see the woods from the trees, she sounds pretty clued up to me.

Never once said it was her fault - I've been in various situations myself where staying has enabled a shit situation to carry on, we've all been there and no it's not always easy to change it but what's the alternative?

If my daughter asked the same, she'd get the same reply I'm afraid.

Joysmums, thanks for your advise but I think I shall carry on doing the best I can.

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