Horrible angry explosions

[SisterSage]

Been in a relationship 3 years, married last year, 1 DS. Everything great apart from this periodic explosiveness that I don't know how to deal with. Often triggered by tiredness but not always. This morning I woke up with DS on me in our bed, both of us covered in wee possibly need to go up a nappy size. It was about half 6 so not stupidly early. I woke DH, asked him to deal with DS while I sorted myself out. He didn't move and was a bit resistant. I went to get changed and put on my bedside light to find a top. At which point DH told me to go fuck myself . I got very upset and basically, because this happens every few weeks, said I was leaving, that I find it totally unacceptable being spoken to like that.he persuaded me to stay and talk and we've agreed to.go to counselling. 3 hours later though he's still very angry with me. Says if I'm prepared to leave over this I can't love him that much. I do, but he sees this as normal - I think his parents were very explosive growing up - whereas while I realise a bit of arguing is normal I don't think it's normal to speak to each other so horribly. I don't know how to make him takr me seriously though that I really can't live with it. We just seem to go round in circles. I don't know what to do.

It's interesting that he is in the police force as it is one of the most stressful professions he could have chosen. I also wonder if he is seeing a lot of violence and verbal abuse in the course of his work which is causing him to minimise his own behaviour to you?

Can he access counselling through work to help him manage his reactions to stressful situations in a much more appropriate way?

I don't think counselling together is necessarily a bad idea unless there is more going on behind the scenes, but you've said this is the only problem and I'm taking your word for it.

Ginger: no idea wtaf you are going on about but look I can swear just like you too, is that verbal abuse also then?

I doubt the OP sees herself in a domestic violence situation.

Just because she doesn't "see herself in a domestic violence situation" doesn't change that technically it is.

I don't care if you swear or not. This isn't reception class, you know. If you want to swear, you go right ahead and do so. We're (supposedly) all adults here.

And you can have "no idea wtaf you are going on about" but the fact remains that the situation the OP describes is DV and verbal abuse. Minimising it isn't doing the OP any favours. It just aids in moving her boundaries each time he pushes against them.

You started swearing first Ginger, bit hypocritical then to explain we are not in reception class........
I was merely replying in the same language you used.

In your opinion it's domestic violence and abuse, in mine it's not, it's low level stuff going on here.

Not minimising anything and I've told her not to accept any of it.

Well that escalated quickly. [santa]

Thanks very much to everyone for the advice though. It is really helpful to hear different perspectives. It helps me sort my thoughts out about everything. I think the thing about his job is right - not so much that it stresses him, but that he sees so much nastiness day in day out that he's massively desensitised, which contributes to his disbelief and consequent anger when I threaten nuclear consequences over something he sees as a minor verbal altercation.

And I also agree that it's quite low level - in a way that is the problem. It's sort of sitting just below my 'I absolutely would not tolerate' level, so it doesn't feel bad enough to leave when I basically don't want to, as everything else is great - I love him, and feel very loved in return 95% of the time. But that still doesn't mean it's ok and I need to get through to him how much it's upsetting me. It's literally eroding my love for him bit by bit.

I think he is quite shocked I've actually booked a counselling appointment, and that in itself is sending a message I'm really bloody serious about this.

Calm down dear. I didn't criticise you for swearing, and I won't apologise for swearing. We're all grownups, we none of us melt at swearing. If you feel a bit melty at a bit of language, you're going to implode if you hang out on MN very long (you know, like 10 minutes or more!).

It's not just my opinion, it's what I was trained in the police department, regardless of whether or not you consider it "low level." Not sure why you are getting all worked up at me. I agree that she shouldn't accept it, however, due to the complexities of domestic situations, I would draw the line at placing the blame on her for accepting it. It's not that simple.

Regardless of the situation, when there is domestic violence, the blame is always at the feet of the aggressor, not the victim. Conditioning, grooming, whatever you want to call it, that carries a great deal of weight in how she sees this situation. The longer you live in a shouty nasty relationship, the further your boundaries erode, which is why it's important to be clear that it IS verbal abuse and it IS domestic violence.

Anyway, back to the OP.....

OP I agree that desensitisation can play a part in that. You see over the top stuff so the less OTT stuff seems minor in comparison. It's also harder to recognise (or accept) some situations when you're IN them IYSWIM.

Part of the problem is that he has not listened to you saying "this is unacceptable behaviour" and is minimising it. I imagine he has the mindset that he is the good guy, so obviously he's just tired, stressed, whatever. But he needs to remember that's he just making excuses. Would he speak to you like that in front of your friends? Your family? Likely not. Why? Because he knows they would be horrified. So somewhere deep down, he knows it's wrong and doesn't like being called on it. He's got to get past that mindset that if you're tired, stressed, ill, whatever, that it's okay to take out your anger on your partner. Hopefully the counselling can address this and halt it in it tracks before it gets worse.

Jan technically it does fall under the definition of dv. However, to actually be dv it needs to be a pattern of behaviour used to control.

I think that last bit is probably missing here, but we don't know enough to be able to pronounce on that, not even to speculate yet.

SisterSage, do you feel these explosions control your behaviour? Do you find yourself not doing something because you don't want an explosion, or treading on eggshells and appeasing him?

My guess is no, but I could be wrong.

Maybe THIS BOOK could help you decide.
Have a read and then see if it's appropriate for him to read as well.

Ginger, tbh, I find your references to my posts bizarre and your subsequent one is even more so........can we just leave it there cos I don't actually understand a word you are saying to me.

I will stick to my assertion, you keep yours.

Feel free to stick to your assertion if you like. Not really bothered, and can't be arsed to spell it out any further.