Told by DH to phone his mother at least once a week and make peace with his sister

[Letsnotaskforthemoon]

There is a long background to this. I have had no contact with my family for 20 yrs. Abusive father, mentally ill siblings, terrible destructive upbringing that has left a big big mark on me. Known husband for 15 yrs and his family were welcoming but FIL (now dead) was at times a bully. He would not put the heating on when the house was freezing because he was not cold. He was at times spiteful and mean to me. Nothing was ever said or done by MIL or my DH. I lost count of the number of times we would leave their house and be told "he will not change, you need to be the bigger person". Needless to say it has over the yrs had a damaging effect on our marriage.
Last yr FIL died very very suddenly. I was very upset, for all his unpleasantness to me we talked a lot on the phone and he could be nice - Jekyl and Hyde.
DH's sister last summer flew off the handle after a small remark was made about something her husband had done and she screamed in my face. there were a couple of incidents after that of her really nasty to me. Her husband is a narcisstic sh8t who her family hate and she took it out on me. Of course his mother blamed me for the whole thing and as ever in his famiy it has been brushed under the carpet and I am expected to speak to her pretty much every week (skype) and see her once or twice a year and act as if nothing has happened.

I feel like I am and have been the punchbag for the problems in his supposedly normal family and I am done with it. I resent being told to phone is mother every weekday because she is alone. I phone once a week and I speak to her for a few minutes and then the children speak to her. We skype at the weekend and it is now the case that his sister is always there.
I do not want any more to do with her. i appreciate she has her problems but her behaviour crossed the line. DH attitude is I need to mend bridges because I do not want his mothers opinion of me to go downhill.

I see my responsibility as to be civil to her when I see her and no more. i do not interfere with him speaking to his sister or our children having a pretty much non existent relationship with her (speaking on skype for five mins).

My DH says all he wants is for his mother to be happy, for her not to see discord between her children (my husband cannot stand his BIL and now they do not speak to one another).

Not once in 15 yrs have any of them ever thought what it is like to have no family of yr own and always be an outsider in someone else's family. It is always about them and obviously now his father has died all the focus is on his mother. i do not want to be in this sh8t anymore.

Your H is trying to bully you into playing his version of happy families. This isn't about keeping his mother happy, it's about keeping her off his back, as evidenced by his hypocritical behaviour towards his sister and BIL. Your involvement is required to provide cover, a decoy, so his family has someone other than him to focus their dysfunctional shit on.

He doesn't get to dictate who you talk to and how often, the sooner he's dissuaded of that silly notion the better. The implication that he will think less of you is a PA move in order to shut you and to get you to fall into line. However, thinking less of you for not acquiescing to his demands is a two way street and I'm guessing your respect for him has taken a hit over the years.

The only way to handle bullies is to stand up to them. Stand your ground because it's obvious he'll walk all over you in furtherance of his own selfish wants - selfish git.

The attitude comes from it being pointless because nothing will change. He has absolutely enabled the behaviour in order to make his own life easier. I had a very bad patch with his parents several yrs ago and I should have out my foot down then.
He is no loyalty to me, I know that as well.

With children you don't cut yourself loose, our lives are involved come what may. The children are very happy.
None of this is helped by us living abroad and me not working. I have got myself into a not very good position.
I am going to see how things go this year and then I need to reassess things.

With children you don't cut yourself loose, our lives are involved come what may. The children are very happy.

I think this is where you are imprisoning yourself, OP. DC can and do survive after separation, their happiness will not solely depend on your staying in a one-sided relationship with a rather callous numpty. It may not be easy but your present circumstances can be overcome. The hurdles ahead of you are not a reason not to try, unless you fancy going stark staring mad.

However the reality would mean moving them from a country they consider home (we are both British) and going back to the UK and him having to give up his work.

I need to make some sort of plan for the future for myself and maybe spend the next couple of yrs retraining in case I do go back. What on earth I would do workwise approaching 50 is another matter.

The stupid thing about it is that even though he professes undying devotion to his mother, he would move half way across the world if another job came up.

he would move half way across the world if another job came up.

I think you've illustrated my point, your DH will do anything for an easy life. Are you prepared to be the factotum person who makes that happen for him?

No. We clearly have a great deal to work on and I have to calmly and clearly state my position. i have a tendency to get very upset very quickly and it solves nothing as he gets to see me as unbalanced. His mother latched onto my reaction to his sister and because I was not calm and measured (ended up telling her and her husband to f off) i got to take "my share" of the blame.

We have a lot of problems in our marriage unfortunately and I want to do my best this year to see if things can be resolved, so no sullen behaviour when stuff about SIL comes up or other stuff that upsets me.

His parents never showed any affection to one another in front of him and his mother never hugs him or tells him she loves him. But they have a wonderful, close relationship.

I will also say that he has since his father died a rule in his head "my mother must not be upset and I must do everything to ensure she is not upset".

The "i must do everything to ensure she is not upset" extends to me as well. The behaviour is so unreasonable that MIL has complained to him about other sister who lives 5 hrs away and works, that she does not phone enough even though she must have visited 3-4 times in the last 6 months, picked MIL up and took her back for Xmas, but it is not enough.

Your MIL dominates the family - you come last.
When your MIL dies, your SIL will dominate the family (she is being groomed for this - can you not see that?) - you will come last.

Your upbringing has conditioned you to put yourself last and you've got a DH whose family are more than happy to do that.

One day MIL will turn your own kids against you.

(Bitter experience here...) My MIL did that to my mum and dad. My grandmother could do no wrong - although she was the nastiest bully going.

You need to leave the whole lot of them.

Before FIL ruled the roost, no doubt about that. Now she dominates my husbands thoughts, her and the children are what matter to him.

My husband does not have much time for his sister and hates her husband so once MIL dies I doubt if we will see them much. Though MIL is trying hard to guilt trip DH about his relationship with his sister.......

You - and your children - are worth a lot more than this.

A rather downtrodden wife and a dismissive, uncaring husband who cares a lot more about his mother than his life-partner and mother than his children is not a good family set up.

But as he would see it his mother was widowed just on a year ago and hence ahe is his priority. It is children first, mother then maybe me. But I will guarantee he would always side with his mother - always.

It is not a good family set up. I don't want the nuclear option so I need to stand my ground in a firm, assertive way and if he does not like it then that is tough. I need a better life for myself, I must try to find a job and not feel so pathetic.

I need to stand my ground in a firm, assertive way and if he does not like it then that is tough. I need a better life for myself, I must try to find a job and not feel so pathetic.

You're entirely in the right!

You might -feel- pathetic but you aren't -actually- pathetic. You're standing up for yourself and for your children. He sounds something of a bully tbh.

I'm all for making an effort with each other's families, not holding grudges and just trying to be civil and kind to people but not if it's not reciprocated or makes you a doormat.
You do your bit already by being civil.

"My feelings have always been at the bottom of his list of prorities."
"We have a lot of problems in our marriage."
And he chooses his toxic family over you.

LTB.

It might sound drastic, but it's the only option. Do what you have to do. I'm sure you'll feel that a weight has been lifted.

Do you care what his mother thinks of you? If not, tell him to bog off.

Op you could be me. I went nc with Mil and sil not long after fil died. Fil was a lovely man and seemingly the filter for the pair of them. Of course dh neve saw any wrong in them, ive spent 20 years being insulted and put down, I concluded I couldn't be arsed any more and went nc.

My concern was my two kids would be turned. Dh took them to visit etc. By this point they were teens. Kids are not stupid and I was surprised to see dd begin to distance herself as the behaviour reserved for me had now deflected to her. I did tell dh that she was losing her grandkids and he did speak to her. Habits die hard. She carried on.
Dd has gone from wanting to holiday with her, sleep there once a week etc to perhaps a five minute visit in passing every few months. She's driven her away. At that point she tried the buy back option. Clothes, shoes, £20 in her bank etc. DD isn't interested and had asked that she stop.

Eventually your kids will see through it all. I once read on here that if a friend behaved in this way you'd cut them out immediately, why should family be any different?
Life is too short to deal with crap like this and personally I started to sleep better and feel better the minute I said ' no more'

Good luck

Don't step into FIL shoes as being the MIL's 'partner'.

If you do this you risk her not moving on and finding a life/ friends/ interests of her own. It is a weighty burden to be the carer/ support/ best friend/ holiday and outing companion for your ageing rellies. It doesn't get easier as they age.

Instead go with her once or twice to new clubs/ gym etc to get her over the nervous first visit.

Phone her by phone don't' Skype, then sil isn't included.