Told by DH to phone his mother at least once a week and make peace with his sister

[Letsnotaskforthemoon]

There is a long background to this. I have had no contact with my family for 20 yrs. Abusive father, mentally ill siblings, terrible destructive upbringing that has left a big big mark on me. Known husband for 15 yrs and his family were welcoming but FIL (now dead) was at times a bully. He would not put the heating on when the house was freezing because he was not cold. He was at times spiteful and mean to me. Nothing was ever said or done by MIL or my DH. I lost count of the number of times we would leave their house and be told "he will not change, you need to be the bigger person". Needless to say it has over the yrs had a damaging effect on our marriage.
Last yr FIL died very very suddenly. I was very upset, for all his unpleasantness to me we talked a lot on the phone and he could be nice - Jekyl and Hyde.
DH's sister last summer flew off the handle after a small remark was made about something her husband had done and she screamed in my face. there were a couple of incidents after that of her really nasty to me. Her husband is a narcisstic sh8t who her family hate and she took it out on me. Of course his mother blamed me for the whole thing and as ever in his famiy it has been brushed under the carpet and I am expected to speak to her pretty much every week (skype) and see her once or twice a year and act as if nothing has happened.

I feel like I am and have been the punchbag for the problems in his supposedly normal family and I am done with it. I resent being told to phone is mother every weekday because she is alone. I phone once a week and I speak to her for a few minutes and then the children speak to her. We skype at the weekend and it is now the case that his sister is always there.
I do not want any more to do with her. i appreciate she has her problems but her behaviour crossed the line. DH attitude is I need to mend bridges because I do not want his mothers opinion of me to go downhill.

I see my responsibility as to be civil to her when I see her and no more. i do not interfere with him speaking to his sister or our children having a pretty much non existent relationship with her (speaking on skype for five mins).

My DH says all he wants is for his mother to be happy, for her not to see discord between her children (my husband cannot stand his BIL and now they do not speak to one another).

Not once in 15 yrs have any of them ever thought what it is like to have no family of yr own and always be an outsider in someone else's family. It is always about them and obviously now his father has died all the focus is on his mother. i do not want to be in this sh8t anymore.

It doesn't seem wildly unreasonable to try and make things work for the couple of days a year that you visit your MIL. Sometimes there's no point in trying to fight things that can't be changed, so long as the gain is worth it. so if you love your dh and it matters a lot to him then it might be something you do for him. So long as your relationship with him is good that is, and he does things in return for you (not at all sure that's the case here).

However your dh's expectation that you ring his mother every day is really odd and it's concerning that he's making such a fuss about it. His mother, his job to check in on her surely? In fact if he loves her so isn't that something that he wants to do? Plus the total hypocrisy that you need to be nice to SIL but he doesn't have to bother with BIL.

Sorry OP, cross post there. So he thinks that you should ring MIL even though he also speaks to her every day. What on earth for, it doesn't sound as if MIL like you, why would she even want you ringing her up all the time?

I am prepared to phone his mother mid week, The children adore her and I want them to have a good relationship with her (i had no extended family to speak of and pattern again MIL was a bitch to my mother).

I will walk away from the skype if his sister is there.

This is btw, all about his mother as DH cannot stand BIL and has very little contact with his sister and does not really want much contact with her - but all conflict must be avoided for his mothers sake.
Now she is alone, she comes first. He wants to see her every month of six weeks so he is flying to her in a couple of weeks time and again in feb. She is coming to us for easter, he will not doubt go back june time. We will go there august, she is here for oct half term and then we will go there at xmas).

I accept his need to do that as I certainly would not want him saying we must go and live near to her.

He does phone her almost ever day and he does not like her being alone, hence me being told to phone her if not every day, then almost every day.

He made an effort to speak to BIL at his last visit but BIL blanked him. He is a narcisstic sh8t. FIL could not stand him and neither could MIL but now she is seeing a "better side" to him, whatever that is. When i do phone her I am told about BIL's taste in art, as if I give a toss!

I think it's hard with people like this who won't admit their parents have any failings. Based on people like this I know, it's because there's a lot of pain they don't want to face and it's easier not to open that can of worms. Of you read Toxic Parents she discusses this - people who only in later life are able to admit their abusive or violent parent wasn't the wonderful person they have always believed.

He can and did see fault in his father, but would not/could not do anything about it. He even would sit there when his father spoke shittily to his mother and would do nothing. For all his love for his father, his father dominated him, subtly, but still dominated him.

But his mother is incapable of saying anything wrong, doing anything wrong, so by definition anything wrong is my fault.

You dh needs to understand that your opinion of HIM will be based on his treatment of you in this matter.You to not have to go NC with his mother but you should be very clear in what you are prepared to do and any responsibility over and above that is his.

As you can see from my earlier post, we see a lot of his mother, we are going on holiday with her twice this year. i can deal with that, the children adore her and so for them i will make things work.

But the sister in law is now a bridge too far for me. I will say that after she screamed in my face i told her to f off so of course I am not without blame.

Hmm perhaps he needs reminding that your opinion of him will be influenced by his behaviour towards his mother.

She's not your mother. You have zero obligation to contact her if you don't want to. If he wants the children to have contact with her then he can facilitate that.

I cannot talk to him about this matter any more. Since the summer and the horrible incidents with his sister - she shouted at him as well, we have had some awful rows about his mothers attitude to what his sister did " she is her daughter, she will always stick up for her, you need to accept that and you are not without fault anyway"

And we have rowed about me being expected to just see it brushed under the carpet and for him to say nothing to his sister about her behaviour " you are not going to get the apology you want so get over it"

So my contact now with his sister will be minimal.

There is no estrangement as such as we will see his mother at least four times this year and total of five weeks. We see and get on with other sister and her family.

I will not talk about it to him, there is no point but must keep my strong feelings to myself and manage my feelings better and adopt a more shrug and move on attitude. So yesterday he skyped with his mother and her, the children spoke for a couple of minutes and i got on with the dinner, nothing was said about it. It needs to be a non issue.

Let's - If your happy ewith the holidays that's fine - just tell him what you will do and what you won't do - blame does not come into this. Say I understand you want a good relationship with your mother but you are asking more than I am willing to give.

Some families are like this. They think they're doing you a massive favour by Letting You In and are outraged when you're not happy with the crumbs from their table. I also recognise the scapegoating of the person who is perceived to be the outsider, often the DIL but not always, convenient family member who isn't really family to blame their problems on.

She'd get one phone call a week from me if she was lucky. My children are old enough to maintain contact with ex in laws without my input now thankfully. Though to be fair my SIL were always lovely, PIL, not so much.

I'd be looking a dumping the husband too because I certainly would have no respect let alone love for someone who had no love or respect for me.

My DH says all he wants is for his mother to be happy
What about your happiness?
Does he care about that at all?
He seems to 'tell you what to do' and you just take it.
Has it always been like this?
Is he controlling in other ways?

No contact is thrown around too easily on mumsnet without a proper understanding of the consequences.

No/low contact only works if both you are your partner are on board.

Families argue, they make up. Sometimes it's with a sorry sometimes without. What you call sweeping under the carpet I would probably call putting behind you and moving on. Because actually the relationship with your family is more important than whatever the argument was about or getting an apology. I'm guessing your DH would feel the same.

Whilst I totally get that you don't want to call everyday, I also totally get your DH desire to make peace.

People aren't perfect, that's not to say they aren't times when the right thing will be to walk out or let things rest a few days. But by going no contact a lot of people miss out. It should be used with care and not the first resort

It needs to be a non issue.

you can't. If you do, you're suppressing your own wants and needs which are JUST as valid as his, and quietly slipping into the role of suppressed wife ... you'll be exactly replaying what his parents' marriage was like.

be very careful here, because the long game looks worrying based on the past. Compromise is one thing but being ordered to accept past shit and to ring every week is not ok. YOUR wishes are JUST as important as his.

MIL was extremely toxic towards me. I told DH that I would never stand in the way of him spending time with her and that I was happy for him to take our children.

He chose not to - he couldn't forgive the way she'd treated me and didn't want the kids to be exposed to that negativity about their mother. She died a few years ago now.

It is ok to want your feelings taken into account and be respected.

Was it around the time of FIL's death that his sister had the hissy fit and screamed at you?

How do you know that they have never thought about you having no family?

Personally I think your DH should set up the group Skype call, it's not up to you. You can be in background if at home, say a few words and crack in with your day? Once a week for a few minutes doesn't sound too bad to me.

My family background isn't good and I have gone into a new family by marriage and struggle.

Once a Meers suggestion of the freedom project or some private counselling may help. You can't fix everything, for example your FILS behaviour regards the heating or your BIL, is your SIL meant to leave him on your say so?

No it was 6 months later.

I am going on the fact that my husband never discussed it apart from the bare outline with them and my FIL when his mother was ill and he would go round and see her said "you are never going to have to concern yourself with this" as if that was a gat advantage of being alone.
My husband is free to skype as he wishes but I am not taking part.

My SIL can do what she wishes, she herself has talked about how horrible he is and of divorce. She does not get to scream in my face and have it forgotten.

toffee this is not my family. Families can argue, make up as they wish. I am an outsider in this family and I have put up with a lot of crap over the yrs. i do not have to sweep under the carpet someone screaming in my face, not once but three times over a week.

My husbands attitude is all about his mother. He does not want much to do with his sister but for his mothers sake he will suck it up and expects me to do the same. But i am not her daughter. But i am expected to put her feelings above my own, not that any of them have ever put my feelings first.

It has to be a non issue as there is absolutely nothing to be gained by discussing it again.

I will do no more than say a general hello on the Skype and i will be civil when i see her in the summer. I will not go round to her house and will go shopping that day and run errands.
If mother in law has a problem with that then it is her problem.

Recent bereavement, phone often. That is kind and thoughtful. If that goes on for a long time then no one is getting over it or moving on. It becomes expected.

I think if you stop now, or decrease the frequency then that is reasonable, they can't expect you to phone every day forever.

Don't talk to sil, except perhaps to tell her you expect an apology.

Will your h be phoning his mum every day in 20 years time?

Yes he will if she is still alive.

What really pisses me off is that after her behaviour, i have to forget it and pretend nothing happened but for yrs we have put up with the rude, sullen, selfish behaviour of her husband. He has for yrs barely said hello, he does not say hello to the children, he would not speak to DH when ihe last saw him, he talks only about himself. But that's ok because it is darling daughters husband. He gets to behave like an ignorant pig but I will be criticised for not doing any more than saying hello to her.

I cannot talk to him about this matter any more.

Whether that attitude comes from you or DH, I am afraid you would have to if you are to try to resolve this nasty situation. Having said that I think you will find it pretty nigh impossible, because these attitudes will never change and your status with family in law is abominably poor.

IMO your DH is the cause and solution of your problems with his family. He has enabled and possibly encouraged their treatment of you to make his life easier. I think that is the behaviour of a prize sh8t and I'm really wondering why you would want a future with him? Isn't loyalty is surely one of the most basic qualities in a marriage?

How are you to resolve this? There is never any magic reconciliation and happy-ever-after ending for everyone to these sort of relationships. If you can lance the boil and get out I think you will discover a new, much happier you. You seem an intelligent person, breaking from your own family past and to top it all this nest of vipers will be a revelation.

i do not want to be in this sh8t anymore. Don't be. Cut loose.

you dont have to be told what to do or bullied by any of them. You do not have to put up with it

You can write down a list of all their unreasonable behaviour, and we all agree its very unreasonable. Youre the only one who can decide whether you stick up for yourself or whether you continue to allow yourself to be treated like a piece of shit