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Original poster

confused by new man

66 replies

ella2332 · 10/01/2016 21:18

I am seeing someone who sees to act very cold and distant after every date.

We are only on date 8, but we are sleeping together and we are pretty close as we knew each other a little bit before.

What he does is acts very intense with me most of the time. Lots of texting, lots of calling and attention and all the nice things like a call to say goodnight and a desire to know what I am up to and all of that. I feel like a very high priority.

Then we have a date, and he is always dead keen to see me. He always can't wait and one the day of the date he's texting me a countdown. Dead keen basically.

Then every. single. time. Without fail. Absolutely always right after our dates for two or three days he is really distant!!!

The difference is really noticable.

This goes on for somewhere between two days and a week and then he goes back to normal like nothing happenned.

I know it's a new relaitonship and don't mind giving someone space but I do find it quite odd and also find he inconsistency irritating.

At first I actually thought I was being ghosted it was that diffrent. He acted totally distant after our first date to the point I thought I;d never see him again then a few day ago he told me that it was the best first date of his life and one of his best memories.

Can anyone shed any light?

OP posts:
Original poster
ella2332 · 10/01/2016 22:25

I agree with what you say though, and I do have to just relax and see how things progress and not read into it.

OP posts:
Threefishys · 10/01/2016 22:26

I can see why that would be weird but you've prompted him to be in touch every day and that's what he's doing - albeit in a perfunctory way, which I suspect is because he's going it on command so to speak so any spontaneity of being excited to contact you has been neutralised.

springydaffs · 10/01/2016 22:29

I can see he'd be terrified of getting close to anyone after his bad experience. In not excusing him, just this could be a reason - his intense attraction to you could be doing his head in. So he tries to put on the brakes.

Original poster
ella2332 · 10/01/2016 22:29

It wasn't really like that. I more teased him and made a joke out of him being Mr Cold after dates. We're pretty playful and he was laughing at himself and after that chat I think he just read into it that I percieved him as cold and took his own action.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/01/2016 22:30

'One minute it's "night babe x" an the next minute it's "tired today"

Like all affection and playfulness gone!'

By the time I was 30, I got over people who head fuck like this, no matter how much I fancied them. Just wasn't worth the stress to me so early on.

I'd dump, tbh. 'Don't think we're compatible. I'm looking for someone who communicates a bit more evenly. Best of luck.'

Yep, I would and did. Someone like this would make me feel used and played, like he could only put effort into it when he fancied his dick sucked. Fuck that.

Threefishys · 10/01/2016 22:30

Sorry yes I meant promoted him as in not literally but by you getting upset

Threefishys · 10/01/2016 22:31

Prompted not promoted gah!!!

Original poster
ella2332 · 10/01/2016 22:32

He has said SpringDaffs that he is definitely very scared of getting close to anyone. For various reasons. Being hurt like that again, ending up married to someone who cheats on him. A basic list of catastophic negative thinking.

I do laugh at him, and I think my more positive viewpoint is healthy for him as i sit there rolling my eyes and telling him that he might as well put the duvet out of his head and stay in bed if he wants to continue thinking everything ends that way.

He has only loved a woman once, so I assume the attration might be uncomfortable for him.

We did have a long chat about it over the last date we had where I promised him that it is absolutely never as bad getting your heartbroken the second time around and that if he was lucky he'd love and lose many times in his lif because that's what life is all about!

OP posts:
Original poster
ella2332 · 10/01/2016 22:34

expat, I do swing from feeling like that sometimes, but hve chilled out about it a lot lately. I feel a bit like I want to give it a bit more time and see how he changes as trust and closeness grows.

OP posts:
category12 · 10/01/2016 22:36

Hmmmm. Call him out on it.

It's not ok to be cold to you afterwards - you have feelings as well, he's making it all about "protecting" himself - all about him. Does he spend this much emotional energy thinking about how you're feeling? (I'm thinking no).

Point out how it makes you feel that he is weird towards you in the days following. If he downplays it or pretends it's in your head, walk away. Lay it out for him, and if he doesn't take it on board, he's really not trying. It costs nothing to be warm to someone in a text, or to reassure someone you care about.

Threefishys · 10/01/2016 22:37

Anybody who's had a relationship breakup is natural scared of being hurt though aren't they , none of us are teenagers here We've all been through it - I suspect he's fine and enjoying the pace 8 dates in, you need to do the same Smile

Original poster
ella2332 · 10/01/2016 22:40

I honestly think he spnds zero time wondering how I am feeling.

Not sure if that's a man thing.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 10/01/2016 22:41

Makes me think of 10CC's 'I'm not in love'

Big, marked swings, catastrophising... all a bit tiresome tbh. It ends up being all about him.

Sallyingforth · 10/01/2016 22:44

Are you sure that he doesn't just want you for a FWB? If you want the same that's fine, but I wouldn't be looking for more with this guy.

Original poster
ella2332 · 10/01/2016 22:44

Funny you say that.

We had a good laugh listening to the Counting Crows song, Anna Begins, with him admitting that was probably him.

I think I will just leave him for another month or two (I am enjoying it) and see where we are at. If he can't step up to letting us be what we obviously are then I will probably vote with my feet.

OP posts:
Original poster
ella2332 · 10/01/2016 22:44

We've not discussed where it's going Sally!

OP posts:
Threefishys · 10/01/2016 22:46

Oh heck OP how you're feeling? You should be feeling like a woman who's had 8 dates and amazing sex and clearly great chemistry. Your cheeks should be flowing and you should be absolutely on fire!! Not analysing it in any depth! Right?

Original poster
ella2332 · 10/01/2016 22:49

Yes I should Grin

It is strange though. Hve been hurt or messed about by men before (haven't we all I hear you cry) and have lost sleep over it before. But for some reason I do feel quit calm and in control. Almost a bit like I sort of know it's going to be fine. Might sound silly as his behavior isn't good at all. I can just sort of sense in my gut that he likes me as much back and is just a bit of a complete fanny!

OP posts:
Threefishys · 10/01/2016 22:54

I understand that calm feeling completely - its what I have with my DP and I've never experienced it before - I think a lot of promising relationships are ruined over obsessing about texting - its such teenage behaviour - for grown women agonising over it makes me feel a bit sorry for the decent blokes on the end of it to be honest whose only crime is being crap at keeping the text momentum going but who are ace in 'real life'. I've been like you are now and I've just had to give myself a firm talking to so I knock it off and let it unfold as it wil, maybe it will deepen into real intimacy ,maybe it won't who knows? Enjoy and live in the moment. Smile

Threefishys · 10/01/2016 22:57

I should say we we've been together 14 months now still early days in the big scheme but it's chilled, happy and lovely Smile

Original poster
ella2332 · 10/01/2016 23:01

Well, whatever it is that is going on I'd like to ride it through. Could be nothing but it's also nothing like I have experienced before.

First of all the sexual attraction is abslutely nothing like anything I have ever felt before.

Second of all I feel a bit like I have always known him. Hard to describe but our first date felt like we'd been together a year.

Third of all he drives me asbolutely bloody mad in a way no one else ever has and I find it fascinating.

I'm Italian and he's the first person I have ever been on a date with and felt the neeed to swear in another language. But we laugh and tease and I just want to find out what all that hot passion is about! Even with the cold spells.

I almost think, relationships were a lot bloody easier before the advent of social media.

OP posts:
Threefishys · 10/01/2016 23:03

That's absolutely definitely true, yes!

loveitvmonkey · 10/01/2016 23:37

I think people who are passionate by nature (in relationships) are usually exactly like this. It's impossible to be on a high or passionate ALL the time. I can't see what's wrong with being 'tired today' sometimes, he's just being honest. It's be strange to be affectionate every single minute. I'd say people who always even and balanced are unlikely to be extremely passionate.

loveitvmonkey · 10/01/2016 23:37

*It'd

shihtzumamma · 11/01/2016 07:40

How old are you ? I assume you are younger than him ? You have yet to learn.
This man is fking with you.

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