Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Silent treatment or dead

47 replies

Ladywithavan · 10/01/2016 10:25

I wrote about this before. I've been in an on off relationship for some time and the last time I saw my 'ex' was in November. I haven't heard or seen him since. I sent him a text about a week after that and got no reply. At the time I thought 'sod you then' as he has history for cutting people out of his life. However as time went on I began to wonder if he was actually ok? I sent a couple of emails, one fairly recently and again got no reply. He's not on social media so I can't even see if he's ok that way. We have no mutual friends.
At this point I'm reluctant to call him or visit him as it's likely he has dumped me by silence and I could get more hurt by his response.
But I am thinking about it a lot.
What should I do?

OP posts:

Threefishys · 10/01/2016 10:30

Stop trying, to put it bluntly.

ravenmum · 10/01/2016 10:31

Call, but prepare your little speech in advance - "Oh, hi, it's me - don't worry, I'm not calling to bother you, I literally wanted to see if you were dead or alive, and you're clearly alive so that answers my question! OK, I won't phone again, bye!"

PacificDogwod · 10/01/2016 10:33

He's just not that into you, sorry.
Don't contact him - he's either ok and not bothered about you, so don't give him the satisfaction, or he is dead in which case there is nought you can do - you know that is highly unlikely, don't you?

Original poster

Ladywithavan · 10/01/2016 10:36

Yes I do. I'm just feeling guilt about it. I should have called long ago. Our relationship has been so childish though that I didn't want to as he has dumped me a few times before.

OP posts:

INeedNewShoes · 10/01/2016 10:37

It's a horrid situation to be in Lady .

I was seeing a guy for a few months, everything seemed great and then suddenly I stopped hearing from him and had no idea whether it was because something had happened to him or whether he'd just lost interest. Apparently it's quite a common thing in the dating world, so much so that it even has a name - 'ghosting'.

I think you need to write him off, but if you know where he lives I'd be tempted to just go and check that he's alive. When you find that he is you'll be able to write him off as a complete tosser and move on rather than wondering.

I had never been to my boyfriend's place as we always met halfway or he came to my place (this should have rung alarm bells for me I know!) and he isn't on social media so I literally have no way of confirming whether he is dead or a dickhead. Having raked over everything I've come to the conclusion it's most likely the latter.

for you.

Original poster

Ladywithavan · 10/01/2016 10:42

We'd been together, on and off, for a few years. I don't want to visit where he lived in case he sees me and I look like a stalker.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ladywithavan · 10/01/2016 10:44

I do really miss him as well. It's probably this that's making me torture myself a bit.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 10/01/2016 10:46

Have you got anything of his that you can claim to be returning?

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 10/01/2016 10:48

He isn't dead. He's dumped you. Rather rudely. Don't waste another second on him.

RivieraKid · 10/01/2016 10:48

He's dumped you 'a few times' before and now this? Why on earth are you wasting your time?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/01/2016 10:49

I would ask you why your own relationship bar is this low to begin with if this is what you have been willing to put up with for the past 4 years.

What is there to miss about this person; he has continuously messed you around. Are you really that afraid of being on your own?.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

DoreenLethal · 10/01/2016 10:49

It's like a flounce so you say 'oh are you ok' and then you get reeled back in.

Don't fall for it. You are better than this.

Finola1step · 10/01/2016 10:53

My dsis had one of these a few years ago. After 18 months of dating, he went completely silent on her. She wound herself up in knots over many weeks, coming to the conclusion that he might be dead. He had in fact returned to his wife and didn't tell my dsis because he "didn't want her to make a scene".

Steer clear.

LovelyFriend · 10/01/2016 10:54

Move on OP.

ravenmum · 10/01/2016 11:01

If he has a history of it then it's more likely he's just being a rude idiot, but you could try Googling him and see if an obituary comes up, too. (May be an age thing but it's something I've wondered about before with online dating where you also don't have mutual friends ... after a newish bf who seemed to be sulking for the afternoon turned out to have been in hospital...)

Ilovetorrentialrain · 10/01/2016 11:02

Please dont do this to yourself OP. And please don't visit his house - or pretent to return something as someone has suggested.

Move on. Easier said than done, but throw yourself into a hobby, work, sport, anything, just don't waste any more time on thinking about him.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 10/01/2016 11:02

So many typos. Sorry.

SevenOfNineTrue · 10/01/2016 11:08

Leave him alone. This is what he wants, you chasing after him. Move on with your life. Delete his number and find someone worthy of you.

PacificDogwod · 10/01/2016 11:08

I think Attila has hit the nail on the head: why have you tolerated this behaviour repeatedly in the past?
Whether he's dead or not, you are so much better off shot of him.

Value yourself

whatdoIget · 10/01/2016 11:11

Without meaning to sound harsh, he's either dead (hopefully not) or he just doesn't want to see you. From your point of view the end result is the same.
Do you have any reason to think he might be dead? Was he ill?
He has the right not too see you if he doesn't want to and you should respect that, hard though it is

TheStoic · 10/01/2016 11:15

Yes, to put it bluntly - does it matter? I understand that the desire to know must be very frustrating, but the end result is the same. Your relationship is over. It ended for him in November. When is it going to end for you?

Jibberjabberjooo · 10/01/2016 11:22

Why would you expect to hear from an ex?

He doesn't want to be with you or communicate with you, it doesn't mean he's dead.

forumdonkey · 10/01/2016 11:31

He's treating you like shit. I've had the T-Shirt

He's got no balls, respect or manners. Dead or ignoring you, what difference does it make? - not a dot in your life either way because nothings changed. You need to move on to someone else who wants to be with you and can make you happy - he's not the only one, no matter how good you thought it was.

Its quite simple, trust me on this one, if someone wants to be with you, they will and you won't be in any doubt. Get a real man not an immature boy in a mans body.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 10/01/2016 12:12

He's dumped you a few times before and you still want him?! This "relationship" was shit. Work on raising your expectations of relationships and move on. Do not contact him again; if he's dead he won't read your emails and texts, and if he's alive he doesn't care about you.

lorelei9 · 10/01/2016 12:17

I think I remember your posts if I've got the right person

he's not dead and you need to crack on with your life.

it's been a shit relationship so move on. He's quite likely playing "how long will it take for her to contact me". Blech.

Flip

1 2