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Relationships

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Original poster

It's playing on my mind that he said this...

69 replies

slanguage · 09/01/2016 17:01

There's a man I have been seeing casually. That works well for both of us. I have a DC, not long out of a long relationship, busy with work, enjoying life. He is younger (10 years) and is also busy with work, but moreover he has some proper issues with love and all that and prefers to keep things casual.

So we get on very well. We have great dates, hot sex, have fun together, cuddle, watch films and generally just are happy but we don't talk about the future but we get on well and it seemed to me like we were becoming less casual and I like him and was open to seeing where it went.

Last night he said to me "I think if I wanted a proper girlfriend it would be quite hard to find one", and it was said in a way that pretty much stated he didn't see me as a potential actual girlfriend.

We have great sex, get on like a house on fire and I know I posess all the qualities he likes and finds sexy and appealing in a woman (like my drive and humour) and I was really quite suprised he said that.

Do you think it's because I am older and have a DC?

I felt quite put out that he sees me as good enough to shag but not good enough to be with and felt really offended!

OP posts:

Original poster

slanguage · 09/01/2016 21:48

I think just ask him about it. If he doesn't see me as a potential girlfriend I am going to end it. I am fine with shagging someone who doesn't want a relationship. Not fine with someone who doesn't want one with me. Can't think of anything more offputting actually!!!!

I don't think it is as casual as he makes out.

We talk every day. We text every day, sometimes for hours. We tell each other everything and talk about our childhoods and ambitions and lives and thoughts. We are exclusive. We spend weekends together every other week and usually a night or two in the week. We watch films together and cook dinner together and make breakfast together. He changed job and he invites me to his office to meet him for lunch. We video chat when we can't see each other for a while. We texted each other at midnight on new year and got each other birthday presents. He's asked me to meet people as his date. He comes round to fix my boiler. We sit and talk for hours when we are together and cuddle and snog for ages.

You know, we are in a relationship, and actually he said that himself a week ago so it feels like a funny thing to say.

Right before he said it he was saying something else about maybe I was the one. He's very contradictary, but honestly when he said it he'd had a few drinks and I think it was like someone else said that he sees himself with someone younger and having babies and all that.

OP posts:

Original poster

slanguage · 09/01/2016 21:52

Cross post there. About 8 weeks. Not long.

The girlfriend title doesn't matter a hoot to me, but it does matter if he doesn't see me as suitable for that role.

If that's the case, he can bugger off.

He's very contradictary in what he says. One minute this, next minute that.

He said something shortly after what he said that he didn;t think his attraction to me would ever go away and that he thought he'd never be able to fully let go of me (which I thought was sweet) then he said "even if we're both with other people I think I'd still want to be with you".

Which I interpreted as "I will always want to shag you but will be with someone else"

I do find conversations with him go in circles, he's very inexperienced and has some very funny ideas about love.

OP posts:

Strangeoccurence · 09/01/2016 21:58

I really think hes fishing for you to make it official

RivieraKid · 09/01/2016 21:58

I am fine with shagging someone who doesn't want a relationship. Not fine with someone who doesn't want one with me.

But is that what he said? He apparently said 'if I wanted a proper girlfriend' - if - not 'I would like a proper girlfriend but it isn't you.'

Original poster

slanguage · 09/01/2016 22:05

I really don't remember exactly what he said but it was on the lines of how easily his friends meet women and that if he wanted a girlfriend how hard he'd have to work to get one.

It wasn't good or nice or fishing!

it was a "am i chopped liver" sort of a situation

OP posts:

Strangeoccurence · 09/01/2016 22:21

If it really was worded and put across as bad as you feel it was, and there is no possibility you are allowing your own insecurities to dampen his wordings. Then i would either completely ignore him from now on, or pick up the phone and ask him about it.

Strangeoccurence · 09/01/2016 22:21

I go with picking up the phone and asking him. Then updating on here of course

Beachlovingirl · 09/01/2016 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

slanguage · 09/01/2016 22:43

yes I want that

OP posts:

LuluJakey1 · 09/01/2016 23:02

He sounds a bit immature really.

Pannacott · 09/01/2016 23:38

Honestly, it sounds like you ARE in a relationship, and when he says that if he was with someone else he'd still want to be with you... It sounds like he's saying he's in love with you and wouldn't be able to get over you. You've assumed he meant he'd still like to shag you but nothing you've said makes him out to be a player. He talks about wanting commitment! I think he just thinks you're not interested. You need to ask him about this directly, because you might just lose a great relationships through poor communication. If it is bad news, well you'd want to know anyway wouldn't you? Just ask if he'd want to be a in committed relationship with you, or does he not see you that way.

Threefishys · 10/01/2016 00:09

8 weeks? 8 WEEKS??? You want to be his girlfriend. But you both agreed you don't want/can't be in a serious relationship at the moment so perhaps after both agreeing that he (naturally) sees you as a casual thing and thus has separated you out of the potential girlfriend category ...because it's 8 weeks in and you both said you don't want a serious relationship. Do you see being his girlfriend as not serious then? Because perhaps having a girlfriend IS a serious thing to him therefore you've ruled yourself out of the game so to speak. But hey 8 weeks in...56 days...you have fun and enjoy each other...this isn't really that big a deal is it? Just relax and enjoy. You think you're a good catch (I've no reason to doubt you on that) so what's the worry? He 'll either realise that and call you his girlfriend soon enough or he won't. Can I suggest, 56 days in, that it doesn't have to be categorised. It's the casual thing you've stated you want - so enjoy it!!

Beachlovingirl · 10/01/2016 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loveyoutothemoon · 10/01/2016 06:24

It's not going to work if you don't want more kids. Simple.

Samaritan1 · 10/01/2016 08:34

Could he have meant that he couldn't find a proper girlfriend because the main candidate doesn't want to be his girlfriend?

It might actually be a massive compliment, but definitely talk to him if it's bothering you.

AyeAmarok · 10/01/2016 09:14

You don't sound like you think very much of him, TBH.

You don't think he's your equal in looks, job (even though he's a decade earlier in his career), finances, personality; you think you're the best sex he's ever had etc etc. It's almost like you went into this relationship to have him hero worship you, to always know he could never have you because you were just out of his league.

And now he's not following your script and you've thrown your toys out of the pram.

It doesn't sound like there is much respect there and that's not a good basis for a relationship.

ToastedOrFresh · 10/01/2016 09:21

'If I wanted a proper girlfriend'

Cheeky bastard !

Personally, my ardour would cool real fast if that was his attitude.

Friends with benefits / fuck buddy means you pretty much just meet up for sex. For him to do all the 'touchy feely' stuff then make remarks like that bring on my, 'fuck off' response.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 10/01/2016 10:26

I think he's too immature for you.

Honesty is the best policy here. No Game playing!

Tell him that his comment the other night hurt you, because actually you would like to be GF/BF.

Tell him that you can see now, that he doesn't view you as GF material, and that you think it would be better to just draw a line under things, allowing him the freedom to move on and find a "proper GF", since he doesn't view you as that. Say it makes you sad, as you thought he could be the one. But it's fine.

In other words, call his bluff.

I dated a younger guy (13 yrs younger) and I did this. We split. 4 months later he came crawling back, wanting to be with me. Too late. I'd found someone my own age, who was an absolute diamond. No drama. No issues with commitment. No angst. We are now married!

Threefishys · 10/01/2016 10:29

Not exactly calling his bluff then Blondie as you met and married someone else so you weren't that in to him that you wanted to be with him long term after all were you.

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