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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's playing on my mind that he said this...

69 replies

slanguage · 09/01/2016 17:01

There's a man I have been seeing casually. That works well for both of us. I have a DC, not long out of a long relationship, busy with work, enjoying life. He is younger (10 years) and is also busy with work, but moreover he has some proper issues with love and all that and prefers to keep things casual.

So we get on very well. We have great dates, hot sex, have fun together, cuddle, watch films and generally just are happy but we don't talk about the future but we get on well and it seemed to me like we were becoming less casual and I like him and was open to seeing where it went.

Last night he said to me "I think if I wanted a proper girlfriend it would be quite hard to find one", and it was said in a way that pretty much stated he didn't see me as a potential actual girlfriend.

We have great sex, get on like a house on fire and I know I posess all the qualities he likes and finds sexy and appealing in a woman (like my drive and humour) and I was really quite suprised he said that.

Do you think it's because I am older and have a DC?

I felt quite put out that he sees me as good enough to shag but not good enough to be with and felt really offended!

OP posts:

Original poster

slanguage · 09/01/2016 18:46

I think a few red flags were raised last night to be honest.

We talked about why neither of us wanted a serious relationship right now, and my reasons were sort of the less worrying ones (like I am enjoying freedom for now etc) and his was a bit off.

He said "I feel like if I care for someone we will get married, then she will have my baby and leave me".

I asked him if he felt that there was a possibility that not all relationships ended in marriage and he said "not for me, if I love a girl I will want to marry her".

He seems to have some funny ideas.

OP posts:

lljkk · 09/01/2016 18:48

This being Britain, I think it's fairly likely he was saying
"You're not bad" when of course he meant

"You're great but might be out of my league, I don't know if you think I'm good enough for you!!"

If you want to know what he meant, you need to ask.

AyeAmarok · 09/01/2016 18:54

Talk to him about it, at least then you'll know where you stand and can make a decision about what you want.

ZenNudist · 09/01/2016 18:59

I'm not a dating expert but you don't seem to be describing a casual relationship. You might have started off that way but you've become more invested in him, which is why you are obsessing over what he said.

There's no way for us to know what he meant as you don't even know it. You've put an interpretation on it but it sounds as if your view is distorted by other worries: am I too old? Are my kids an issue?

You could back off but that sounds a bit like game playing. You could ask him and try being honest about how you feel rather than lying to him. But be prepared for him to walk away if what you want isn't what he wants or my preferred option would be to try and stop worrying about the long term and enjoy the short term if that's what you want to do.

ChubbyChecker360 · 09/01/2016 19:04

I had a few friends who dated women such as yourself and to be honest how they continued was related mainly to the man's freedom of thought. All the stereotype middle England types would confide that they really liked their older partners but would never declare the relationship as it was not the expected path in life. A more free thinking individual doesn't give a hoot about the abstract constraints laid down by society. Hope that makes sense.

MississippiMud314 · 09/01/2016 19:11

So he wants miss right not ms right. Clean slate. Fairytale wedding etc
first baby together.

But he has a low self esteem

Suddenlyseymour · 09/01/2016 19:25

Just admit it to eachother. Too much mixed messages. You like eachother. Full stop. As you said, if you were to date someone, you would like it to be him. I suspect it's the same for him. You didn't want anything but casual at the start, fair enough. But feelings change. He may still be sticking to what you said at the outset...you said he's insecure. Well, just tell him. Tell him you found his comment upsetting, and tell him why. Go on!

Pannacott · 09/01/2016 20:04

If he was interested in a relationship with you, would you want that? And if your answer is No, it's likely that he is aware of that and is being a bit silly about it. The comments he's making, about wanting to be married, fearing someone will have a baby and leave, sound like he's feeling rejected / abandoned, not that he's dismissing you.

choceclair123 · 09/01/2016 20:08

Talk to him about it that's the only way you're going to find out what he meant.

CocktailQueen · 09/01/2016 20:11

I'd be very hurt too. Think you need to have a conversation about where you are going and what you both want out of your relationship.

loveitvmonkey · 09/01/2016 20:23

sounfs like he sees 'proper GF' as the one he's having DC with and one htat's interested in marriage with him. If you said you'll never want more DC, that's your answer. But if you didn't, then he may be just assuming you wouldn't want a marriage etc.
So may have meant 'hard to find someone like you but who also wants commitment'.

HairySubject · 09/01/2016 20:25

Maybe because you are at different life stages you wouldn't be interested in starting all over again, marriage another child.

I was seeing someone 6 years my junior which isn't a great gap but like you we are at different stages. I have been married and have 3 dc and absolutely no interest in doing any of it again. He has no children and never so much as lived with a woman. It would just never have worked because we wanted different things.

ricketytickety · 09/01/2016 20:32

Your relationship doesn' t sound 'casual' to me. He sounds like he's calling the shots - making sure you know you aren't his girlfriend and that you would not ever meet that criteria when infact you are his girlfriend.

Perhaps that is what is pissing you off. You meet the criteria he has set, but he won't value you that way. Like he said, he doesn't trust women and so he likes to call it 'casual' when in reality when you sleep with someone regularly, talk, cuddle, watch tv together etc it is serious. I think he wants to maintain control over the relationship due to his insecurities. Either ignore it and in your own mind see it as more serious than it is or take a step away for your own sanity.

Strangeoccurence · 09/01/2016 20:34

It sounds to me like he is possibly more insecure than you know.
His comment was probably his way of trying to get word out of you that you would be a proper girlfriend. Just something, anything to indicate that. Just to give him the confidence of the next step to actually ask you.

His thoughts around relationships and marriage, sound like he is trying to say what a potential girlfriend would like to hear.

As much as age is not an issue to him, he may feel you have more experience over this kind of stuff and may be finding it intimidating.
I get the impression he sits and analyzes(sp?) all of this more than you do.

Reese123 · 09/01/2016 20:45

How old are you both as this might bring some light on this situation?

Beachlovingirl · 09/01/2016 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

slanguage · 09/01/2016 21:04

We are 27 / 37.

I honestly don't think he was fishing or asking me to be his girlfriend or trying to make it known he didn't see me that way. I just think he put his foot in his mouth and said what was on his mind. I think he just sees me as a shag and not gf material.

Phyically I am much more ttractive than he is. Financially I am better off. It annoys me that he said that. idiot!

OP posts:

Beachlovingirl · 09/01/2016 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bjrce · 09/01/2016 21:17

Actually he sounds too immature for you tbh!

Threefishys · 09/01/2016 21:21

He doesn't sound like an idiot. He sounds nice casual company (as do you)which is exactly what you've told him you want. If that isn't what you want then man up and say so otherwise any idiotic double talk is all at your door I'm afraid OP

Strangeoccurence · 09/01/2016 21:27

If you feel you are better than him, and you only wanted a casual thing, and he is ticking boxes everywhere else then i dont understand why you are getting hung up on what he has said.

Even if he is looking to you for guidance or reasurrance on a future relationship with somebody else, you both went into this on the understanding of casual.

Being upset and hurt by this indicates that you are more invested. Judging by what you are saying afterwarda points towards you either being in denial about that and feeling slightly rejected, or youre worrying he was hinting at a relationship and youre finding every reason not to believe he is.

A casual relationship is seeing somebody for a shag, not a relationship. He has done/said nothing wrong.

springydaffs · 09/01/2016 21:29

How did you get together?

Original poster

slanguage · 09/01/2016 21:38

I don't think I am better than him. I just don't think he is better than me and the insinuation (you all weren't there) was basically that I wasn't proper girlfriend material.

I'd actually not have sex with someone more than once, and certainly not spend a lot of time together with him, if I didn't think he was good enough to be my boyfriend.

We met at work.

OP posts:

Threefishys · 09/01/2016 21:40

So what are you going to do then?

Threefishys · 09/01/2016 21:41

Oh and how long have you been having sex with him/seeing him? And , last question, why does the girlfriend title matter to you?

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