What is fair here? Ex problem..

[Redhound]

My abusive ex wants to come over for a day to scan our old photos. We were together for 15 years so there are a lot of photos and as he has a commercial scanner he could do it all in a day. I've offered to scan them gradually and send them to him but he is insisting this would take years and he wants to come round next week. I don't want to part with the photos at all as it took me ages to get them back last time so would not be happy with him taking them away to do. Much as he was horrible to me and does not deserve consideration, it seems unfair to deny him this as they are shared photos of holidays etc. I can control the situation as I can lock him in a section of the house and I have a savage dog which would shred him if he tried anything! But I know that seeing him again would upset me as I did love him despite his treatment of me. He is very manipulative. WWYD?

[kittybiscuits]

A gun? Just bat it into the long grass with 'Sorry no chance I can help this week'.

[Redhound]

Kitty I am a farmer :) I like where you are coming from! Long grass does get rid of a lot of problems in my experience!

[BerylStreep]

I wouldn't let him over the threshold, dog or no dog. The very fact that you have to think about the dog, or having other weapons to hand shows how unpredictable he can be.

I agree with others that you being reasonable about this is absolutely no guarantee that he will be reasonable about the other matters. In fact, perhaps you should say that once the other matters are sorted out you will be happy to give him the hard copy photos to scan at his leisure. In the meantime do what Doreen has suggested, and scan whatever ones you want (or get reprints). Be a git back.

[mintoil]

I don't understand - why can't you get copies of the photos made, send them to him and he can scan them/do whatever he wants?

I do not think you owe him anything in terms of allowing him into your home.

[pocketsaviour]

No. You do not let a violent abusive arsehole over your threshold because you want to "do the right thing".

His ulterior motive here is he wants to come and piss on your territory. I'm assuming he has never been inside your new home? He still thinks he owns you and everything that you own. He doesn't, and it's time he learned that.

All you need to say is "Sorry, that doesn't work for me. I'll begin getting them scanned and send them on to you by post." Then ignore any further threatening emails (keep a copy though.)

Have you contacted Womens Aid at any point? Sounds like the Freedom Programme could really help with resetting your boundaries. A Woman in Your Own Right by Anne Dickson might also be helpful.

[Hissy]

Trust me, even if they are not violent, letting an abuser into your home is always a mistake.

The poison they emit is all pervading and takes months to leave the fabric of your life.

DONT DO IT.

[Redhound]

Damn, you lot talk sense! So glad I posted here!
Mintoil, the reason he thinks that won't work is that there are so many photos it would take too long ie months/years with a normal scanner. He only has access to his work one for a week and they cost £100s to hire.
Pocket- I did wonder about the pissing on territory bit. He turned up here once not long after I left despite my telling him not to come but this was nearly 2 years ago, before he was settled with new GF and still wanted me back. Why would he still want to have power over me now? Though he really seemed to struggle to get over me.
When he stayed before, he crept into my room crying and also said 'if I cant have you I don't want anyone else to' but didn't do anything dodgy, other than his usual strops/hissy fits. But you are right; I now have some tainted memories of some lovely places here because of him. I'd never even thought of that much. You really made me think about the Freedom programme/boundaries thing too. I really thought I was fine and had good boundaries now, but maybe not :/ Thanks for the pointers.

[mintoil]

I understand he has a special scanner - why can't you copy the photos and send to him and then he uses the special scanner?

If it's because he has the scanner next week and you can't get them copied by then - tough! YOu will send the copies and he then has all the time in the world to do what he wants with them.

You are really being manipulate here, it's really sad to see it, I feel so sorry for you. You must be so used to asking "how high" when he says jump.

Time to stop OP and put him at arms length. I am sending you lots of strong woman vibes.

[ThisHorseCalledDonny]

He's look to mess with you and piss over your territory.

If I were you I'd get the photos taken down to a Max Spielman or whatever, they wil scan all the photos and Bung them on a disc for you. Get 2 copies, send one to him and don't let the fucker anywhere near your home. It will cost you, but that's got to be worth not having to see the twat.

Keep the second copy in case he 'loses' his cd.

[ThisHorseCalledDonny]

Just looked, even asda do it

www.asda-photo.co.uk/product-info/516-photo-scanning

[Redhound]

Great idea thank you!! :)

[bimandbam]

Don't let him in. Ever. He is controlling you to prove a point.

£5 and my next g and t says if you tell him next week does not work for you he gets access to the scanner another time.

Make having copies of the photographs part of your financial settlement. And any other issues that need sorting out. When he has stopped fucking those about you will send the photographs by digital copy only. Simples.

[ThisHorseCalledDonny]

bim has it, make the cost part of the financial settlement and send them only when he has ceased to fuck you about.

If you give an inch he will take a mile

[kittybiscuits]

To stick with the grass theme, maybe the grass isn't too green on the other side of the fence at the moment?

[Tartypants]

that he would move his GF in without asking you. Can he even do that if the house is still partly in your name? More
Are you photos all technically yours or are they his as well? If they are all yours, I'm with the other PP's - at least let him wait till you can do them. But I don't think you'd be out of line holding off until the settlement. At the moment he has something you want = fair settlement; and you have something he wants = photos. If he's mucking you about on the first, why say 'ah, of course Mr Awkward, you're welcome to my home at your convenience'. I know it's hard not to be knee jerk pleasant if that's what you're like!

[paddlenorapaddle]

He wants access to your house the whys and wherefores are irrelevant. He is not your friend please protect yourself and say no

[Redhound]

Thank you everyone for more very good logical advice. The more I think about it the more it seems both sensible, safe and reasonable to say 'you will have the photos, but at a time and means convenient to me' and not jump to his demands. It's just hard because he's doing the begging/pleading thing, but he did that throughout the relationship (classic cycle of abuse stuff I now realise) which is partly why I stayed so long.
Tarty, I know!! The house is legally two-thirds mine, I have the paperwork to prove it; he thought he would get away with it as I moved so far away from him. He was always telling me I would get my deposit back in instalments but he would keep the rest! When I googled my old address, two businesses were registered there hers and his and I then determined she was living there! Things will be going legal very soon if its not sorted.

[ElderlyKoreanLady]

If he was that bothered about the photos, he could have done something before you got them back.

Do not let a violent manipulator into your home.

He's giving you a window to add time pressure to your decision making. He could hire one of these scanners at any time. Or could ask you to and send you the money.

[ElderlyKoreanLady]

And get a legal mind involved with the house situation.

[BerylStreep]

I just wouldn't engage. 'No, it doesn't suit' the first time, ignore thereafter.

[HerRoyalNotness]

I would let him, get it over and done with in a day and ask him for he digital files for yourself took. You might as well get something out of it.

See if a friend would pop in during the day he is there for a cuppa, just so you have someone else coming in.

[Morasssassafras]

Why would he still want power over you? Just to prove he can.

[Redhound]

Thanks for further advice. The more I think about it, the more I think the timing is dodgy. Allegedly, I should have the house money within a few weeks and I have been asking for the return of the loan recently but he won't put the word 'loan' in writing in our email exchanges! So he is still trying to get away with that one and I guess if he's got the photos then I have no bargaining chip left..

[Hissy]

He permanently damaged your arm?

He should consider himself lucky you don't sue him or pay a hitman

That's point 1.

1. He's telling you that he's coming into your home and when.
   

No he fucking isn't.

1. You had a devils own job to get the photos back the last time.
   

Find all the images with him in them and send them to him.

Job done.*

AFTER he pays what he owes you.

No conversation at all about anything until then.

The official response is "no, that's not convenient" and "no" and "I said NO"

And disengage.

[DoreenLethal]

If you are going to respond perhaps 'I will think about it once all the house is settled financially. Until then, its a no from me'.