Retired ladies help - partner would rather go out alone

[Haribogirl]

After problems in our 13 year relationship, to which it got to very near breaking point.
Partner finally admitted he wanted us to stay together and that he loved me, and didn't want us to split(no kids) and give it at least 3 mths to get it back.

He mainly goes to the shops in the morning( as he's better at getting up than me) for food for lunch maybe tea.
So pm is usually free!

He might ask me " shall we go for lunch today" once maybe twice a week.
If we do the most were out is maybe 2 hours.

We he goes out on his own he's probably out for between 3-4 hours.
Now he's not a pub person (2 drinks max anytime) and only goes out to pub on Friday night with friend.

If I DO ask where he's been(red flag, thinks its invasion of privacy previously) he says for a coffee,shopping(shoes,clothes etc)

When he first retired this was a arguement point everyday as he would say
"Where we going today" I didn't always have the answer or sometimes I didn't won't to go anywhere just to get out of the house. This turned into a big rift between us.

So to date

Middle November was the start of 3 month trial, things are little better between us.
But
I still feel hurt/unhappy that he prefers to just go out with me for maybe twice a week, I feel he can't wait after lunch to get out(he hates staying in especially now he's retired) even when there shed loads to do in the house! Hoovering downstairs is his cleaning part!

I feel I can't bring this up again, as it caused many rows in the past, but I find it hurtful.

I could find things to do myself each day no problem, but then what sort of relationship would we have then?
I know he's not a DIY man, so will only ever do something for say couple hours then he as to go out(I do struggle with this)

This would feel like we just live together!

I'm I asking too much????

[springydaffs]

Out of 7 days he wants 5 to himself? Won't talk about what he's done on his 5 days - to the point it ends in an argument when you ask?

Urgh, i'd feel so lonely in a relationship like that.

[pocketsaviour]

This is why I want to NEVER RETIRE. I would fucking die without the routine.

I think he should get a job. He clearly misses having structure in his day.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

I don't think you are being unreasonable - it sounds like quite a lonely relationship to me, and I can totally understand your point of view.

Sounds like you are now surplus to his requirements and have therefore been dropped.

He sounds self-centred and possibly a loner?

I don't understand his reluctance to tell you about his day either.

[Haribogirl]

Maybe it's because I'm not routine oriented 😀 I don't have set times/days I do things on especially more now not being at work.

He as mainly been like this since he retired, his moto now is
"I don't know how long m going to be here for" so I'm going to go where I want when I want" hence going on his own and definitely does not want any company " his Chill time "

I do get this really,
But why should I be then one left to do the DIY (which I always start, as the house would fall down) or wait for him coming back to help, cleaning,cooking etc, because he doesn't like staying in.

I have done DIY , he was moaning how much new door would cost, so 2 years on I'd had enough looking at it so

Burnt the paint off
Sanded it down
Under coated it
2 coats paint
Went to the DIY stores myself to find door furniture
Then put them on (problem)

Adjustment was needed for letterbox! When he came home his face was like thunder because I told him I had a problem with letterbox which needed his help.
He wanted to just come in have a brew and go on laptop, but I needed his time!

So I can do DIY but why should I when he can't be bothered, would rather be out(we could all find something to do) then sit back say " yes it looks great"

This is one of the problems, it's always me! He owns lives here too, but can't be arsed.

Oh perhaps I'm just asking to much, moaning , got it all wrong.
Just thought it didn't seem fair, uneven, when we are both don't work

[timelytess]

Are you sure he isn't seeing someone? Time unaccounted for always makes me suspicious.

[Shutthatdoor]

Are you sure he isn't seeing someone? Time unaccounted for always makes me suspicious.

You expect people to know where someone is all the time.

Slightly controlling

[timelytess]

Not at all controlling. Just observant.

[springydaffs]

Well, this thread isn't very organised - going off on all sorts of tangents!

Do you cook for him, wash his clothes, clean the house? What's he like with money?

You sound like his housekeeper.

[sije]

I remember some of your threads OP, particularly the one about your son.

This man is a tight fisted, miserable bastard, he brings no happiness to your life at all and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

That about sums it up.

[N3wYear2016]

Some people enjoy staying at home

Some people like to go out and get fresh air and see different things, do some exercise, join clubs, volunteer, go for a drive, anything for a change of scenery

If you are retired do you have any short or long term goals ?
eg
Go on a long holiday, travel
Volunteer
Visit friends, family
An allotment
Part time work
New hobby
Do you have plans to do things together ?

Staying in to do the hoovering
I know what my choice would be - to go out !