Retired ladies help - partner would rather go out alone

[Haribogirl]

After problems in our 13 year relationship, to which it got to very near breaking point.
Partner finally admitted he wanted us to stay together and that he loved me, and didn't want us to split(no kids) and give it at least 3 mths to get it back.

He mainly goes to the shops in the morning( as he's better at getting up than me) for food for lunch maybe tea.
So pm is usually free!

He might ask me " shall we go for lunch today" once maybe twice a week.
If we do the most were out is maybe 2 hours.

We he goes out on his own he's probably out for between 3-4 hours.
Now he's not a pub person (2 drinks max anytime) and only goes out to pub on Friday night with friend.

If I DO ask where he's been(red flag, thinks its invasion of privacy previously) he says for a coffee,shopping(shoes,clothes etc)

When he first retired this was a arguement point everyday as he would say
"Where we going today" I didn't always have the answer or sometimes I didn't won't to go anywhere just to get out of the house. This turned into a big rift between us.

So to date

Middle November was the start of 3 month trial, things are little better between us.
But
I still feel hurt/unhappy that he prefers to just go out with me for maybe twice a week, I feel he can't wait after lunch to get out(he hates staying in especially now he's retired) even when there shed loads to do in the house! Hoovering downstairs is his cleaning part!

I feel I can't bring this up again, as it caused many rows in the past, but I find it hurtful.

I could find things to do myself each day no problem, but then what sort of relationship would we have then?
I know he's not a DIY man, so will only ever do something for say couple hours then he as to go out(I do struggle with this)

This would feel like we just live together!

I'm I asking too much????

[N3wYear2016]

Some people enjoy staying at home

Some people like to go out and get fresh air and see different things, do some exercise, join clubs, volunteer, go for a drive, anything for a change of scenery

If you are retired do you have any short or long term goals ?
eg
Go on a long holiday, travel
Volunteer
Visit friends, family
An allotment
Part time work
New hobby
Do you have plans to do things together ?

Staying in to do the hoovering
I know what my choice would be - to go out !

[sije]

I remember some of your threads OP, particularly the one about your son.

This man is a tight fisted, miserable bastard, he brings no happiness to your life at all and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

That about sums it up.

[springydaffs]

Well, this thread isn't very organised - going off on all sorts of tangents!

Do you cook for him, wash his clothes, clean the house? What's he like with money?

You sound like his housekeeper.

[timelytess]

Not at all controlling. Just observant.

[Shutthatdoor]

Are you sure he isn't seeing someone? Time unaccounted for always makes me suspicious.

You expect people to know where someone is all the time.

Slightly controlling

[timelytess]

Are you sure he isn't seeing someone? Time unaccounted for always makes me suspicious.

[Haribogirl]

Maybe it's because I'm not routine oriented 😀 I don't have set times/days I do things on especially more now not being at work.

He as mainly been like this since he retired, his moto now is
"I don't know how long m going to be here for" so I'm going to go where I want when I want" hence going on his own and definitely does not want any company " his Chill time "

I do get this really,
But why should I be then one left to do the DIY (which I always start, as the house would fall down) or wait for him coming back to help, cleaning,cooking etc, because he doesn't like staying in.

I have done DIY , he was moaning how much new door would cost, so 2 years on I'd had enough looking at it so

Burnt the paint off
Sanded it down
Under coated it
2 coats paint
Went to the DIY stores myself to find door furniture
Then put them on (problem)

Adjustment was needed for letterbox! When he came home his face was like thunder because I told him I had a problem with letterbox which needed his help.
He wanted to just come in have a brew and go on laptop, but I needed his time!

So I can do DIY but why should I when he can't be bothered, would rather be out(we could all find something to do) then sit back say " yes it looks great"

This is one of the problems, it's always me! He owns lives here too, but can't be arsed.

Oh perhaps I'm just asking to much, moaning , got it all wrong.
Just thought it didn't seem fair, uneven, when we are both don't work

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

I don't think you are being unreasonable - it sounds like quite a lonely relationship to me, and I can totally understand your point of view.

Sounds like you are now surplus to his requirements and have therefore been dropped.

He sounds self-centred and possibly a loner?

I don't understand his reluctance to tell you about his day either.

[pocketsaviour]

This is why I want to NEVER RETIRE. I would fucking die without the routine.

I think he should get a job. He clearly misses having structure in his day.

[springydaffs]

Out of 7 days he wants 5 to himself? Won't talk about what he's done on his 5 days - to the point it ends in an argument when you ask?

Urgh, i'd feel so lonely in a relationship like that.

[RedMapleLeaf]

With respect, you seem to find a few things "hard" - going out on a Tuesday, getting up in a morning etc. Perhaps he wants to get out and get a bit more from life, whilst you're in a phase of hibernating?

Why don't you do the DIY projects that you feel need doing and ask him to assist with the bits that need two people?

[Asskicker]

Mum said that when she and dad retired it was like a different marriage.

It took some getting used to. Both having no routine. Wanting to do things differently.

Mum likes to rush through things and get sat down. Dad likes to take his time.

Dad ended up getting a part time job because he couldn't cope at being at home with no routine and no where he had to go.

It takes a lot of readjustment. I have had a taste since we both work together and it's not easy to settle into a new normal. Especially when have different ideas of what you want.

It does sound like you have a lot of time to spend together, though. You said in your op it's twice a week. That's not a huge amount

[Haribogirl]

Yes I am retired
I do go out, but don't find I have to go out everyday, he HAS to hates staying in. I think you have an impressive I don't like to go out.
I do ask him to do thing/go places, sometimes !

I suppose it's planning/communication that needs to be sorted, but that way it seems it's the same routine " we go out say Tuesday,Thursday "
It takes some getting used to/hard for me, as we both have really no commitment to any days.

I don't really want anything from him, well maybe a bit more time at home to do the things that have never been got round to doing.
Like I said he will only say do 2 hours max on something, and somethings take longer than that!
So we have to get everything out again when he feels up to it, where I think carry on and get the job done.

As I've said it is quite clear HE wANTS TO GO ALONE, unless he says
" we'll go for lunch today" then I know he wants to spend time with me.

Don't get me wrong perhaps I've not explained myself properly (sorry)
I do like me time, couldn't stand it 24/7
But perhaps not 2 days us
5 days himself.

I took it that I wasn't questioning him!
Just chatting about the day, I went zxy it's just something to talk about
That's the ways I saw it.

Anyway it's given me something to look at, other peoples insight into what they do with their time together in a relationship.

[offside]

I agree with Red. Your post reads that you were reluctant to go out every time your DH asked, and so it now appears that instead of feeling let down, he will just make his own enjoyment and find something to do on his own.

My ILS are similar. My FIL works away Monday to Friday but at weekend he will go off and do his own thing because he likes to explore and my MIL doesn't. She is happy with this arrangement as she doesn't want to hold him back so she works or potters around the house. They might see one another two nights a week if they're lucky and that is literally all because of FIL work. But MIL accepts it because she knows she could go with FIL if she wanted (she doesn't have to be asked, she would just say, I'm coming with you today) but she chooses not to.

Why are you waiting for your DH to ask you to go with him? Why don't you just say "oh, I think I'll come with you today!" I don't understand why you have to wait for an invitation.

[Asskicker]

Oh and we do chat about our day. But only the main bits.

I wouldn't make a point of saying which shops I had been in or what I had at costas.

[Asskicker]

springy I see what you mean. But if dh didn't give me a run down of his where about a, I wouldn't see it as secretive. Because I trust him, iyswim.

I wouldn't feel he was trying to hide it or keep it from me, just that he didn't feel like sharing details of his day.

Some people, like the op (and my mum) are detail orientated. Some of us are not. It did drive my mum to distraction when I was younger but she now just gets that it's the way I am.

[springydaffs]

I don't think I was referring to trust Ass, lack of or otherwise.

Just odd to go your seperate ways and not chat about it, what you did, what you saw etc. It's odd to me but we're all different.

Op, i'd find it odd to not chat about our day. I'd not want to be with someone like that. No accounting for taste.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Yes, I think some people just like a bit of privacy or unaccountability.

[Asskicker]

springy at no point has the op mentioned she doesn't trust him.

I read it as he is vague because he just goes out. Not to do anything in particular.

Personally I don't like being questioned in detail about where I have been, in detail. The most you would get from me is 'town'

[Asskicker]

Very possible red

[springydaffs]

I'm surprised at the responses so far. Because the way I read it is he's secretive about where he goes, which is odd.

All you want is to chat about where he's been, what he's done, but he clams up and it leads to an argument. That seems odd to me.

It also seems unnecessary that you cancelled classes when he wanted to go out with you - but perhaps that was bcs he was newly retired and at a loose end and you wanted to support him. Perhaps you feel you made sacrifices to support him and now he's found his wings you are no longer useful to him - hence you feeling you've been dropped.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It looks like he's only interested in you when you're useful to him.

Your difficulties may also be you both adjusting to retirement.

[RedMapleLeaf]

So he was relying on you to plan the days and now he isn't.

Or perhaps he was hoping to spend time with her and when this didn't happen he went out and got a social life anyway.

[Asskicker]

So he was relying on you to plan the days and now he isn't.

OP me and dh both work from home for the first year it was great. We saw more of each other. Now I can't wait for him to go out, or wait to go out myself.

I love him dearly, but I don't want to spend all day every day with one person.

I am not surprised that after while of both being at home he wants time to himself. As you say he has now got the confidence to just go out to wonder around. That's a good thing

You cancelling something to have lunch with him isn't comparable.

He wants a few hours in his own a couple of times a week.

Besides which, you chose to cancel. You could have said 'not today I am doing xyz'

[TheBunnyOfDoom]

I think he probably felt a bit like he was relying on your for entertainment, so found his own things to do. Maybe he felt bad that you cancelled your plans for him, so made his own entertainment so you wouldn't have to.

I don't understand why you don't ask him to do something. Or just get ready and go out with him anyway - maybe he assumes you don't want to join him because you've never offered to?

[RedMapleLeaf]

So you feel a little resentful that he's going out and doing things without you because you envisaged retirement differently?