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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel like DP has really let me down :-(

74 replies

showsomeclass · 07/01/2016 11:05

Need to have a rant!!!

So my DP lives about an hour away and we normally see each other weekends, I typically go over to his. We spent almost two weeks together over Christmas and when I was leaving, I said I felt really sad to leave as we had spent so much time together and it would be hard to be apart for a week before I saw him again. I don't normally open up like that to him. He was lovely, put his arms around me and said he didn't want me to be sad and promised to come and see me during the week.

He hasn't.

I'm due to go to his tomorrow night for the weekend again so there's no point now anyway

He's had plenty of opportunities but has gone to his local pub for the evening instead. He even said in a text on Tuesday night that he was still coming to see me but doesn't know when

I'm so annoyed and upset!!! Just feel like I'm putting all the effort in here and he doesn't give a shit about my feelings. When we're together, it's heavenly and we have a great time.. I know it's only a small thing but it would have meant so much to me if he had made the effort and stuck to what he had promised

Feel poo

OP posts:

Suddenlyseymour · 07/01/2016 17:41

It really sounds like a huge power inbalance in the relationship; you feel tongue tied and anxious in terms of expressing yourself to him, and fearful of what such a conversation may bring so have avoided doing so. I've been there, felt that. It is so disempowering, frustrating, and a dynamic that is very hard to change

In my case, it eventually transpired he was very much looking elsewhere. I really regret allowing that dynamic to become entrenched, it wasn't healthy and as said above, there were numerous instances just like the one you describe where he "showed" me who he was and I didn't pay attention and "let it go". I wish i had shown more assertion, as i am well capable of it. Please give this serious thought.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 07/01/2016 18:51

Agree with MarkRuffaloCrumble about how to approach the non visit this week. Really non-confrontational; always try and avoid conversations beginning with "why didn't you/why don't you..." because the word "why" can put people straight on the defensive. Also agree with WannaBe regarding weekends only not necessarily being an issue, even after 2 years, and how to approach the subject of the relationship's future. I always think it's worth having a sit down chat when there are issues or uncertainties because sometimes it's not that the person is being an arse, but that there are assumptions, miscommunication, and differing expectations.

Original poster

showsomeclass · 08/01/2016 10:36

Thank you everyone - I really appreciate your thoughts on this

I think when he said about coming to see me was his initial genuine response, but think the week just went, he had been feeling under the weather and well, couldn't really be bothered. To be honest, I feel like that sometimes too. Doesn't excuse it though but I've calmed down about it now and being a bit more rational.

Suddenly - I will and am giving what you say serious thought. It sounds exactly like my situation to be honest and I don't like it. I've never been like this before. I think I should start being more assertive, confident and vocal (spontaneously) - just stronger basically! Regardless of the consequences. I shouldn't be feeling like this and behaving like the less powerful one.

Thank you again - you have made me feel so much better x

OP posts:

Threefishys · 08/01/2016 10:38

OP now you've rationlised it do you think you've overreacted?

Penfold007 · 08/01/2016 10:42

He's chosen you because you both have lives just too far apart for either to move in with the other. He can have you without commitment, your not his partner your his weekend girlfriend.

Threefishys · 08/01/2016 10:47

Penfold that's an incredibly negative outlook. To switch it around you could say it would be easier for him to have a relationship with someone local but OP is so amazing he 'chose' her inspite of the distance.

antimatter · 08/01/2016 10:50

You can't call him your Partner, he is your Boyfriend.

I guess when you are reaching certain age you feel silly calling someone your BF, but if you don't share any financer and live together he isn't DP.

Maybe ion your head you think of him as Dp whils he thinks of you as his Girlfriend.

MoMoTy · 08/01/2016 10:56

To me it sounds like a 'comfortable' relationship without any real commitment that goes with a long term relationship heading towards a future.

Basically it's just weekends and the odd week here and there for two years.
No talk of living together or marriage or plans of heading anywhere?

I too think it's convenient, he sees you at the weekend but has the week free to do what he wants. After two years you don't need to point out to someone they should make the effort to come to your place, they should want to do that on their own?

you both need to chat and be honest about if this is actually heading somewhere, or are you just convenient companions to each other.

wannaBe · 08/01/2016 11:36

"He's chosen you because you both have lives just too far apart for either to move in with the other. He can have you without commitment, your not his partner your his weekend girlfriend." I often wonder just what kind of relationships some of the posters who make such blunt statements about relationships they know nothing about are in, if they're actually in relationships at all.

And wtf is it with people telling others whether or not they can call someone a partner or not?

Threefishys · 08/01/2016 11:40

I'm with you wannabe

Threefishys · 08/01/2016 11:41

Although I do think OP overreacted a lot and in retrospect sees that.

Floggingmolly · 08/01/2016 11:41

It's really quite strange that he felt the need to tell you he hopes his next job doesn't "come between you"...

antimatter · 08/01/2016 11:42

the "wtf" is based on the fact that partner is someone you share finances with
bf - you don't

at least this is ho I see it

but if you wannabe think otherwise is your right to do so

wannaBe · 08/01/2016 11:48

I think we all have the capacity to overreact sometimes, and sometimes it's one minor incident which causes a tipping point, I.e. Op said she rarely opens up, and the time she did he said he would come and see her and then didn't.

But the statements that the dp doesn't care about the op and that she's just a part time girlfriend to him are far more of an overreaction. .

No, there is more to being partners than money. My DP and I don't live together because we live three hours apart. We share a life though and are engaged, but we don't have joint finance because at the moment it's just not possible. He does contribute when he's here though. Plus if you're sleeping together then surely he's a sexual partner? To suggest that it's all about shared finance is far too simplistic. If you share a life together then surely that is just as relevant. There are any number of reasons why couples can't or don't share finance. And what about couples who live together and have separate finances?

Blodss · 08/01/2016 12:33

So he does come and stay at yours does he?

Duckdeamon · 08/01/2016 12:56

He's not a DP he's a boyfriend. Doesn't seem great if you don't feel comfortable opening up to him after 2 years.

Also not great if he rarely sees your friends/family and you're doing much of the travelling.

wannaBe · 08/01/2016 13:03

Op already said though that she prefers to stay at his but that he will come to hers.

My DP does all the travelling and comes to me every weekend. Why - because A, I have a house whereas he is living in a house share so there isn't space. B, I have a DS So far more preferable for us all to be here.

Op has already said that she knows they need to communicate with each other about where they are going relationship-wise. But things are rarely as black and white as "he doesn't do x therefore he feels y,".

And if the op sees him as her DP then that's what he is. It's not up to anyone else to tell her otherwise.

Original poster

showsomeclass · 08/01/2016 13:46

Thanks wannaBe - for taking the time to read through all of the posts and messages also and not picking on one bit!

I think I did over-react a little (emotionally..)

I do see him as my partner. We plan everything together, talk every day, regard each other as life partners. Ok, we haven't talked specifics or cemented our future by mapping it all out - but he refers to me as his 'life partner' both publicly and when we're together.

Since yesterday morning, my boiler broke so I had no heating or water.. he immediately said come over to mine and cooked me dinner and ran me a hot bath. I am working from his house today and he has to go out this afternoon but has said he will make sure he is back by 6pm so I'm not on my own and we can do something together.

Regarding not being able to open up after 2 years and I should have, well, I actually don't think I'll ever be able to... maybe not with anyone! I'm just not that kind of person and find it really uncomfortable having deep conversations face to face. I don't know why. I know many people like that - even with husbands/wives they have been with for decades - it doesn't mean I don't show how I feel in other ways. Might make things more difficult and less obvious, but hopefully, when you grow to know someone really really well, it will get easier and they'll know you well enough to kind of know what's going on. I don't know - what relationship is perfect?!

At the end of the day, I think I need to feel more happy and secure within myself and less needy/dependent on him. That way, he may see my worth a little more and I will be less vulnerable if the worst did happen. That's my theory (today) anyway!

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 08/01/2016 14:23

So you seen him this week, in the week, after all?

LineyReborn · 08/01/2016 14:24

have seen

Sorry typo not grammar crash!

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 08/01/2016 14:28

I think I need to feel more happy and secure within myself and less needy/dependent on him. That way, he may see my worth a little more and I will be less vulnerable if the worst did happen. That's my theory (today) anyway!

That's a great theory! Little steps will help you get there.

And why on here does everyone think they can define your relationship as DP or BF or whatever, based on one post?!

If OP calls him her DP it's because that's how she feels. You don't have to live together to be committed, you don't have to share finances to be committed (plenty of married couples have separate accounts! My DP and I don't live together but we pay for things jointly, lend each other money etc)

Nobody else knows how committed anyone else is to a future together - plenty of married cheats have shown that despite the grand title of 'husband' they are still looking elsewhere.

Just give it a rest all you relationship pedants!

Original poster

showsomeclass · 08/01/2016 14:33

Haha - yes LineyReborn

Thanks MarkRuffalo - Just need to keep reminding myself and keep that mindset up. Like you say, little steps so I don't feel defeated too easily

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 08/01/2016 15:06

My OH's DS refers to me as 'my dad's girlfriend' which is hilarious as I'm not going to see 50 again...

I use 'OH' as a neutral term but I know some people hate that, too. Can't win.

antimatter · 08/01/2016 15:50

I agree that using finances as the only differentating point is too simplistic.

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