Feel like DP has really let me down :-(

[showsomeclass]

Need to have a rant!!!

So my DP lives about an hour away and we normally see each other weekends, I typically go over to his. We spent almost two weeks together over Christmas and when I was leaving, I said I felt really sad to leave as we had spent so much time together and it would be hard to be apart for a week before I saw him again. I don't normally open up like that to him. He was lovely, put his arms around me and said he didn't want me to be sad and promised to come and see me during the week.

He hasn't.

I'm due to go to his tomorrow night for the weekend again so there's no point now anyway

He's had plenty of opportunities but has gone to his local pub for the evening instead. He even said in a text on Tuesday night that he was still coming to see me but doesn't know when

I'm so annoyed and upset!!! Just feel like I'm putting all the effort in here and he doesn't give a shit about my feelings. When we're together, it's heavenly and we have a great time.. I know it's only a small thing but it would have meant so much to me if he had made the effort and stuck to what he had promised

Feel poo

It's off balance that you always run to him yet he doesn't do any of the running. Yes he may be lovely when you go to his but what does he do to show you that he misses you, loves you and wants to spend his life with you rather than you just being someone he is with for now.

Great post, pinkdelight.

Pinkdelight - you write really well :-)

I know you're right and I really do need to do that. Just need to find the courage! Can't believe a man has me feeling like this..

I get all fumbly with my words when I start trying to talk to him - it's horrible!

But, I need to be confident, value myself more and have the conversation regardless of the consequences. If things go wrong, anyone want to come to California with me?

Blodss He spends every weekend with me rather than his friends, which he used to. He integrates with me on other things which are hard to explain, but are things that long-term couples would like planning trips away together in the future, lets me know where he is during the day, calls or texts every night etc. No, we haven't talked about actual future things, apart from him telling me he wants me to be in it and doesn't want any new job he gets to come between us (as this has happened in a previous relationship). If I don't go to his at a weekend and suggest he comes to mine, he will - I just prefer to go to his

So he said he "wants you in his future" but no actual talk of moving in together at any stage?
You sound very unsure of the relationship and your power in it. By saying you are scared to bring things up in case that means ending the relationship - it's like you deep-down believe he holds all the power and you can't ask too much or put a foot wrong in case he ends things.
That fear when you really like someone, and feeling of unsureness, is horrible, but it's something I'd associate more with the first six months or so. By two years in I'd expect people to be feeling comfortable, confident and secure with each other.

I know exactly how you feel about opening up making you vulnerable. However, the fact that you think you risk 'ending it' yourself by bringing this up speaks volumes, either about your lack of self-esteem or about the reaction you imagine him having.

I think the only way to find out if it is you or him is to ask. If he gets arsey or ends it because you're being too demanding or something, then it must be that he wasn't that committed in the first place.

If he calmly says that he is happy with the status quo then you have to decide if you are going to accept that. If he takes your feelings on board, apologises for letting you down this week and then makes a bit more effort, you know where you stand.

But without bringing it up, you will just stew on it and will never know if he actually cares enough to feel bad. He might not have realised you felt so vulnerable opening up - I know my DP finds it very odd that it takes such a big emotional effort for me to start a conversation with him! When you've been hurt before you learn to bottle up your needs and feelings don't you.

I've had a similar situation several times with my DP of 3 years. He will say he'll come over for lunch or that he will rearrange his days with his DCs (he's 50/50 with ex) so that we can spend a kid free evening together - when he doesn't it's a real kick in the teeth and in his busy life it might not seem so important, and it's just a passing comment, but for me it means a lot.

So much so, that I stopped mentioning when I have a kid free night as I don't want to offer him that precious bit of free time, only to be waiting to hear from him and then find out he's forgotten about it.

If you stop having any expectations you can't be disappointed, but similarly you have to be happy with things as they stand. DP now understands that I won't always offer him my free night first, sometimes I am happy to stay in alone or sometimes I'll ask a friend to go out.

I've told him not to make vague statements about maybe popping over for lunch as it disrupts my day working around him. If he wants to meet me for lunch I want a time agreed the night before, otherwise I'll eat when I'm hungry and get on with my work.

If he mentions something without a specific day or time then I just brush it off and don't really pay any attention to it until it is mentioned again in a more committed way. If you can change your mindset and only consider it a firm arrangement if it has a day and time attached, then you might find it easier to deal with.

Sorry for the waffle! Hope somewhere in there something makes sense!

When thing that stood out to me is you saying you "like him so much." I'd have thought your relationship would have progressed beyond liking him after 2 years. Do you love him? Has he told you he loves you? Do you say it to each other?

*One thing

Can I ask how old you both are?

You are worried that talking to him honestly about how you feel risks an end to your relationship which you don't want - but you don't want to be just his weekend thing. I completely understand you not wanting to rock the boat because you enjoy being with him and when you are, everything seems fine, but if you're not getting what you want out of the relationship I would say it's not really fine. What do you ultimately want out of this? If you tiptoe around him it could carry on like this for years - which would be ok if you were happy with that but it doesn't sound like you are. Yes, talking to him openly does have some risks, but it sounds to me that if you don't want the same thing then ultimately it probably won't work anyway, and you will likely end up getting hurt at some point. Perhaps he doesn't realise how upset you are, and might be mortified that his actions would have caused you to feel this way. Either way, you won't know if you don't talk to him. I would try to avoid getting angry though (never works for me!!)

MarkRuffalo - All that makes perfect sense - everything you have said I completely relate to and it sounds like we have similar situations, but you're a year ahead of me!

I'm not sure whether to bring up just this instant (about him not honouring what he said he would do) on it's own, or whether to broach the whole conversation of where he sees us in future as a whole. I feel I do need to say something - I don't think it would be good for me, or him, for me to not tell him how it has made me feel... although I do think he knows really. He saw how upset I was when I did open up and tell him how I knew I would miss him this week after spending so much time together and for him to say he would see me, then not, and for me to then not address it, would make me out to be pretty weak and feeble in the relationship. I want him to value me more than that. I want to value myself more than that. I don't necessarily want to have the whole 'crossroads' talk though - although it is now on my mind

What would you do if you were me?

Pandora Oh I meant love. Yes, we are completely in love. We say it to each other all the time.. him probably more to me in person and on text. That's why I find this so odd

Samantha 38 and 42.. both had a couple of tough relationships

If you are completely in love then just talk to him and tell him how you feel. It sounds like it's going to be hard to separate this issue from the whole "crossroads" talk though - would it be so bad to do that now anyway, after two years, and with you wanting more? I think that's what I would do as if not it would continue to eat away at me, and I'd feel I'd always be holding back my true feelings about what I really wanted.

Frazzledmum I think I have always wanted things to move along faster than he has, but I have stayed at his pace. Ever since the beginning until now which in my mind, has paid off because he has got more and more committed as time has gone on without me pushing it

I have avoided this conversation because not having it has worked so far! And I suppose I have thought the longer we are together, the more he will want to be with me / love me and it will come, just as his pace, not mine.

Things are definitely progressing, I just don't know if it will actually progress beyond the point of where it is now. Yes, maybe he doesn't realise how much this has upset me

I would just talk about this one incident for now. If you relate it to a whole host of other feelings you risk missing the point.

If you can say it in a non emotional way (i.e not the "Why don't you ever attempt to see me during the week and is this ever going to bloody change" that you mentioned upthread!) you will probably get the best result for both of you.

I'd probably start with a racing heart and slightly sick feeling by saying "I was looking forward to seeing you in the week, do you remember you said you'd pop over?"

Whatever his excuse, too busy, too tired, forgot etc. you can then say that you felt disappointed as it had been such a lovely couple of weeks and you'd got used to spending more time with him. I'd probably dress it up as a character quirk i.e. when someone says something you take that as a firm arrangement and maybe next time you (both) should pick a time and date so that you know what's happening as you don't deal with woolly arrangements well.

I know that's a cop out, but I think if it doesn't come across as a criticism of his thoughtlessness, but more a kind of 'isn't it funny how we're all different I need people to actually do what they promise!' there's less chance of it turning into an argument, which let's face it, is why we shy away from bringing up any of our own needs!

Hmm, it's tough, I do understand. But one thing you say jumps out at me - that not having the conversation as worked so far. But has it? Yes, in that you are still together, but no in that you're still not getting what you really want? I suppose it depends how long you are prepared to wait for him to catch up with you - and how much you are prepared to risk that he might never get there. If you are happy going along with things and won't look back on the years you might spend in your relationship as time wasted, then fair enough.

I once "wasted" two years on a man who really didn't care that much for me at all, just going along with things as he wanted them. We went on holidays etc, but he always kept a big part of his life separate from me. I was miserable most of the time I was with him (not literally when I was in his company, as that was great - but generally miserable about the state of the relationship in that I wanted more than he did). When I finally got the courage to end it as he was never going to give me more, I felt great - although a bit lonely, which tbh was probably why I stayed with him for so long. Not long afterwards I met someone who was totally open about his desire to spend as much time with me as possible and who had no agenda. Wow, it felt so different, and I realised just how damaging me feeling I had to hold back all the time had been. I do know, though, that I wouldn't have been able to end the previous relationship until I was ready, no matter how much people might have told me to (although my friends were very good at biting their tongues I felt!).

Not saying it's the same at all, but just struck me that your not wanting to have the conversation was how I often felt at the time.

Things are definitely progressing

Doesn't sound like they're progressing at all.

Everyone thought you'd been together for a matter of months.

Two years?

And you're still a weekend girlfriend.

Certainly not a partner.

You are 38? Or 42?

Do you want children? I'm presuming not.

There is no way you should just obediently head over to his this weekend as usual.

He isn't even working. He could have spent all week with you if he wanted to.

He doesn't.

Op, ignore the suggestions from some posters that you shouldn't go to see him this weekend. The very issue in your relationship is lack of communication and knowledge of where exactly each of you wants this relationship to go.

Reality is that for some people, a relationship where you see each other at weekends and have your own space during the week is something which works for them, and if that's what they want, then there's nothing wrong with that. Similarly though for others like yourself, there comes a point in the relationship where you want things to move forward to a point where you are say, living together. But neither of you can possibly know what kind of relationship this is if you're not prepared to talk about it.

Being afraid of opening up says to me that you don't communicate about things which are really important, and tbh if you want a future together you need to be able to do that, because when things get tough, such as facing illness, family bereavement, money issues, etc, if you cannot communicate then the relationship will not survive the difficult times.

Talk to him honestly. Tell him that you've reached a point where you're missing him more and more during the week and you want to talk about where you're going as a couple. The fact that he's looking for work currently is possibly the perfect time for starting to think about whether he might want to look for work closer to where you are, with a view to moving in together in the near future.

From his point of view, he may not feel he wants to commit to someone who cannot open up to him after two years together. And because you don't open up, he can't read where you want this to go, and he's not psychic.

If after talking to him it turns out that you want different things, then you can re-evaluate what you want to do, and whether you want to remain in this relationship. But you can't make a decision if you don't know how he feels.

Also, if after this discussion it transpires you're on different pages, then that has nothing to do with the fact you've opened up, it just means that you've opened the communication channels to discover where you're both at.

And ask him why he didn't come to see you when he said he would. If you don't ask, then you can't possibly know what he's thinking. But don't play games as suggested above.

YY to everyone who has said talk to him.

It took DH and I nearly ten years to each find jobs which were close enough for us to live together and commute. Even then, we both travelled a lot for work, but always made efforts to meet up any chance we had. I get that you are an hour apart at the moment, is there any sign that he is looking for his new job somewhere where you could move in together?

Or has that not come up in conversation?

wannaBe. Thank you, thank you, thank you

So rational, sensible, and right

FinallyHere no the moving in together subject hasn't come up

I have two DC's (although 17 and 19 years old).. I live further away from where he would probably choose to work purely due to prospects (London) than he does so it wouldn't make sense for him to move closer or to me - and it would be difficult for me to move to him because of my DC's and their lives where we are.

Is it possible that he's never broached it because of your dc's? Fwiw the future is something which I discussed with my dp in the very early stages of our relationship, because we live three hours apart, and I have a DS who is in school here so moving wouldn't be an option for me. So I had to make it very clear that if there was a future on the cards, any prospective partner would need to be the one who moved because I am not in a position to do so.

We are now engaged, but DP knows that for us to be together he will need to find work down here, something which is difficult as he works in a very niche job. Or that we will have to wait until DS leaves school before we can consider living together/getting married.

It's hard to imagine what he can say to you in this conversation that will be clearer than him not bothering his arse to come to see you when he is not working and he promised to.

Often these "sit him down and have a reasonable conversation" conversations are more about appeasement than actual communication.

He's been very clear this week about how he sees your relationship.

You need to listen to what his actions are telling you.

OP could it not just be that he said that in the heat of the moment as you were upset about missing him etc when in fact after two weeks solid together he was actually looking forward to reconnecting with his friends etc alone (which is no bad thing)of he'd said "we'll be together at weekend but this week I'm actually looking forward to a couple of night at the pub with the guys" would you have been accepting and reasonable about that? I guess not which is probably why he went with reassuring fluff instead. You need to communicate clearly and honestly between you as PP have said.