Frustrated from lack of sex.

[Confrustrated]

Good morning all!

I'm trying to put this across without looking like a selfish ass.

I'm 31 years old, married with 2 children(both boys). I've been married for the past 6 years and generally I love it. My Wife and children mean the world to me.

Being blunt, I LOVE sex and everything that comes with it. I enjoy being with my Wife, trying new things and seeing her receive pleasure from it. I'm very open minded when it comes to sex and happy to try new things, my Wife not so much but I understand that and respect her boundaries.

Now for the past year or possibly 2 there's been a lack of sex and even if we do have it, I'm ALWAYS the one who has to "make the move" or ask for it. It feels pathetic having to ask the Wife for sex(sounds even more pathetic writing it on a forum!).
We've discussed sex in the past and I mentioned that we don't have it very much then for the next week or 2 it changes and we have more sex but then it slips back into where we are now.

This is where it becomes sad, I've been counting the days since we last had sex which was on 19th Dec, I've tried several times and have been met with an excuse every time. Now I feel I just don't want to bother trying any more, I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring someone to have sex. I think my Wife is oblivious to this. She knows I have a high sex drive but just doesn't see the frustration. I've considered talking to a Dr about it? Not sure if they have something that could calm my libido down a bit?

Now don't get me wrong we're both busy people, me being self employed and my Wife working 2 days a week and then looking after the kids the rest of the time. She sorts their schedule, cooks, tidies(we do have a cleaner though who does the house every so often) which I can't argue with as it's also hard work.

I'm guessing there could be a million reasons for it without directly discussing it with her again but just looking for your thoughts on this as I imagine it's a fairly common topic.

Also I want to know If I'm just being selfish to want more sex, on average I would probably get it once every 1-2 weeks. When I do these days it feels like she wants it over with quickly.

Anyway I hope to hear your thoughts!
Thank you.

hi to both the guys here. I can't give any advice but thought I'd share my life and marriage, you may get a light bulb moment that might help, then again you might not!

together 28 years, but I do remember how hard it was with a 2 year old. always exhausted. over the years dh has smoked more weed and drunk more, like every day.Ihave been more and more turned off over the years, so now we are having sex once every couple of months. it's enough for me as I need to be gagging for it to let him near me, but he has a high sex drive. like you he has stopped asking for it. if we went to bed both drunk or both sober that would make a difference, but he's always drunk and im always sober and he makes me feel like a piece of meat. also being of no help when I'm run off my feet just makes me dislike him more when he thinks he can get in bed and I'll be waiting.

prob of no help at all, but I'm a woman at least and we can be complicated creatures

I agree OP, sometimes you need to just ask the question on a forum that you can't ask your friends, and for one thing you can check out what is normal for other people. Sometimes it just helps that you as normal as everyone else, ...and you won't know that until you ask.

It sounds daft but there are some things DH can do to help which it may seem surprising - anything to make life appear to be running smoothly.

For instance, if we meal plan together and get a full weeks shopping in I am more relaxed as I do not have to think about meals at all.

If the bed is made, and ive had time to get a nice soak in before retiring I am a lot more relaxed and thus, more likely to want sex.

If we have spent the evening talki g with one another, enjoying a film or tv series together, I certainly feel closer and more likely to want to re-affirm that.

This isnt a concious thing - but my state of mind / level of restfulness there and then has a massive influence on it all.

Good question to answer would be - if your wife was to find out about this thread would you be comfortable for her to come and comment and put her point across here?

wow Venusrising, what a help you are. why are you even on this board, you obviously have the perfect relationship

After being in a almost sexless marriage for years thought I would give my opinion.

I was married to dh for 11 years, 2 children, good sex life before kids, slowly lost my sex drive after having them, partly because of lack of time, partly because I hated my body post child birth and partly because our relationship had changed, the more he ask for sex the less I wanted it, eventually we were doing it once a month at the most, I realised I no longer felt attracted to him ( emotionally or sexually ), he never told me I looked beautiful, never complemented me and often told me I was looking a bit fat, he rarely helped out with the kids and we started leading different lives whilst still living together. Earlier this year we split up and looking back the past couple of years we were not really in a relationship, just friends and parents.

I guess my point is, you need to try and work things out before it's too late and you drift further apart, be considerate to the fact she may be tired and finding parenting hard work, complement her, don't preasure her, don't nag her, talk to her.

I'm in a similar sort of situation. I have the added frustration of her still acting very sexually and affectionate.. to the extend of most nights I'm literally "on a promise" where she'll say something ranging from a bit suggestive to an outright "get upstairs I want to / I want to your / I want..". Then 1 minute later she doesn't want to know and acts as if something's wrong with me, asking "why's everything about sex with you?". A bit WTF. She used to follow through, our relationship was perfect but now.. I guess she's used to talking like that and feeling like that but when push comes to shove she's too tired or I'm just not doing it for her anymore.

I know how you're feeling though pal. It's frustrating. It's not really about sex just feeling unwanted, undesirable, ugly. I have no confidence left. Is she having an affair? Is there something wrong with me? I don't know. I don't understand.

All I can say is "talk to her". I did (in a "what can I do" way, not blaming her or anything like that) and she was a bit shocked that I thought it was a problem and adamant that all of this is completely normal and I'm the one with the issue. Said there's nothing I could do more, she can't imagine a better partner.. Since then nothing's really changed but she's spoken about it a bit more positively, constructively and said she does understand my POV and that it is an issue that we need to address. It's early days.

Whatever you do try to be constructive and acknowledge it's a problem between the two of you. She's probably not decided just to cut you off. It's not her fault.

I'd say if you've explained it and she's not interested in talking about it or trying to address the problem then you need to consider whether the good parts of your relationship outweigh the bad.

Antimatter - Yes I'd have no problem, there's some great advice here and some of it I have to take on board and some that may help both of us.

Lovemusic33 - Sorry to hear about your relationship and I hope you're doing well now! I certainly need to consider the hard work she puts towards the kids more and I'm determined to get involved more with chores in the evening.
My Wife had lots of body confidence issues when she was younger and I'd certainly never damage her confidence in her self. She's perfect for me which is part of the reason I can't keep my hands off! :)

Once again thank you all for your advice, all taken on board :)

I'm a woman and I've been where you are and it's absolutely shit so I totally empathise. It killed my self esteem, made me feel distinctly unattractive, since leaving him I have established that I'm nothing of the sort and the issue was him, not me.

Oh and you weren't being 'snippy' at all, don't know what VenusRising is bleating on about I think you've been great on this thread throughout. Some people just love to have a go !

Thank god Venus has risen, what a plonker.

Hi Confrustrated, I haven't read all the comments so this might have been said already but is your wife on the Pill? For me, the Pill was a huge libido killer. Once I stopped it I've seen a massive increase in sex drive. I'm not saying this is the solution to maybe something to consider?

You sound like a great husband and father and I hope things improve.

@david8341 "I'm in a similar sort of situation. I have the added frustration of her still acting very sexually and affectionate.. to the extend of most nights I'm literally "on a promise" where she'll say something ranging from a bit suggestive to an outright "get upstairs I want to / I want to your / I want..". Then 1 minute later she doesn't want to know and acts as if something's wrong with me, asking "why's everything about sex with you?". A bit WTF..."

I've had this too.

Totally unprompted by me, at random times she would flash a boob or pussy, or make some overtly sexual comment whilst holding a cucumber whilst preparing tea, or I'd put on some rubber gloves to wash the car and she'd be all "oo, we could have some fun with those!..." etc...

... yet then when I'd try to pursue any of those avenues later at an appropriate time - just as you say - she would treat me like a total and utter fool. Like I must be mad or some kind of pervert. That it was all a joke and why the hell would I think she'd want that?.... It is very belittling.

She also used to offer some kind of sex at impossible times, such as when the kids have just woken up, or she knows I'm on my way out to work, etc.

I think the whole thing is about a tacit recognition that she should be making an effort too, or recognising the lack of intimacy, but not really wanting doing anything real about it. Just feeling she'd 'offered' would ease her conscience...

Gawd, such sad stories here, Ordinaryman - I think you've had the piss taken out of you tbh - nasty, nasty behaviour to keep control - that's neither normal or healthy, are you still together?

Fuck all of that, I'd rather be single than stuck with anyone who was having sex with me for all the wrong reasons.

Ordinaryman -

Ha yes I have that too with the impossible times. She'll ask if I can put the kids to bed early, say she wants it just as the kids are waking up, etc. So yeah it feels like maybe she uses the kids as a sort of shield where she can say or do things without having to follow through.

Its difficult but I try to see it as she's being genuine but by the time we've put the kids to bed etc, she's genuinely tired. Being miserable isn't attractive so try to be positive.

Has anyone ever got through this or once it's gone is it gone?

if it helps it absolutely just sounds like a difference in sex drives..I love my dp to bits and enjoy sex when we have it but honestly wouldnt miss it much if it was once maybe twice a month?
I think it is age ,life stage, my kids are 5 and 9 but once i'm 'free' I absolutely want a bath, box set and dp's company but not arsed about sex.

I think for me sometimes the feeling sexy/sexual starts in your head, so the pp idea of flirty texts throughtout the day is a really good one. I think women find it harder to just 'turn it on' so if i've not been thinking about it and dp suggests it it can feel very incongruous to where I am and a bit irritating almost. So maybe trying lots of intimacy and flirting around sex would help?
(I also feel far more inclined to do anything my dp wants if hes been helpful and ace with the kids/house etc nothing kills passion more than resentment..)
ignore the dickheads sighing and flouncing on here your post is the whole point of the fucking forum!

I agree about trying to keep positive, but it's hard to do. Especially when that simply affirms appeases her conscience that everything is 'hunky dory'.

With regard to getting through it, alas I have read many comments, many times, on many forums, where the advice to me is to divorce, from people with experience of this who are themselves divorced.

I think there is hope. The important part is to find the reason and the see if it's something that can be changed or worked on.
In our case it was absolutely hormonal contraception.
We went from once a month/2 months to twice a week. Needless to say I'm never taking the Pill again!

I was on the pill so long that I just thought I had a naturally low sex drive. It was a revelation when I came off it.

@Jan45 "...are you still together?

Fuck all of that, I'd rather be single than stuck with anyone who was having sex with me for all the wrong reasons."

Yes we are, but only really because of the kids from my perspective, ie: I would have gone by now if we didn't have any.

I agree, I would rather be out of the cake shop, rather than locked in it but never allowed to eat.

Oh life is too short to stay for the kids sake, you need to be happy and are allowed to find happiness you know, splitting up doesn't mean you cant be a good parent.

Hi Confrustrated. I'll tell you my story. When we first married my exH wanted sex as often as possible. Pretty soon he made me feel like a blow up doll. Then we had two children and he seemed to stop putting in any effort with our relationship or family life. He would work late every evening and come home after the children were in bed, fall asleep on the sofa or watch sports on the tv. I would go to bed and then when he woke up and came upstairs he would shake me awake to have sex. The sum total of our conversation was me asking how his day was, telling him about the children and him grunting then snoring. I was never so alone in my life. Sex with him made me feel like a whore. As our children grew up, I thought our marriage was improving although sex was still as infrequent as I could get away with. Unbeknownst to me I had developed an under active thyroid which reduced my libido to zero. I also had a prolapsed womb which made sex uncomfortable. I had stopped the pill after our youngest was born and exH agreed to have a vasectomy. Until that was done we used condoms, but DH preferred not to and would try to have sex with me unprotected. This made me very anxious and really put me off DTD. He then began to query whether I was having an affair! Of course he was shagging his OW.
When I found out I was desolate. He begged forgiveness but told me it was all my fault as I wouldn't have sex with him as often as he liked. He had lied about the vasectomy and had never had any intention of having one.
He lied and lied and lied some more. He said he had given up the OW. Lie. He said they had never had sex. Lie. It goes on and there was no way we could get our marriage back. I could have got past his affair, it was the lies that killed it.
My point is this: if I had been honest with him about why sex was a problem for me, and if he had put more effort into our relationship and joined in family life more, then we would still be together. He has never moved on and neither have I. I really wish I had been more upfront with my issues instead of just avoiding sex or clenching my teeth when I couldn't get out of it.

Talc, poor you, I can't think of anything worse than having sex with a man against my will or desire - truly heart breaking.

Could she feel resentful towards you for any reason. I mean try looking at yourself without any defence. Things like you having more free time, a hobby and such like.

My relationship used to be like your, sex with him was an absolute chore, I was so tired from taking on the majority of responsibility. He drank, not everyday, but frequent enough, he'd go out and stay out very very late and then and was very uninvolved in family due to sleeping it off and most of our money was swallowed up by his drinking. I'm not suggesting you are an alcoholic, but is there truthfully something? Because I always had a reason for not wanting sex with him, at best we'd have sex 4 times a month (that'd be loads back then)

He's been sober now for close to two years and things have changed massively. We're still together and sex far more frequent and spontaneous - took a while to lose the resentment.

Take a very honest look at the balance of your relationship.

(I've name changed btw if anyone thinks I'm a first time poster!)

Hi again all, on the phone so forgive the grammar!

Some of your replies are pretty heart breaking. I do have hobbies that I head straight for once we got the kids in bed. Probably I'm at them a bit too much and could understand if my Wife was feeling "used" and probably resentful.

Again, thank you for the replies and making me take an honest look at myself. I'm not saying this is the fix but I certainly got to sort my priorities out.

You definitely did not come across snippy or a dick - just a level headed guy asking for perspective on a relationship board!! Some people just don't understand the point of these forums. I could understand the short/unhelpful responses if by page 39 out of 40 you were asking the same question.

Sorry if you already mentioned but have you explained that it makes you feel unattractive/unsure how she feels about you? Of course you don't want to pressurise her as you already know that would be unfair especially if her drive is lower than yours but how about implementing what a pp suggested about intimacy cards. So you could just be giving/receiving messages/cuddles and kisses in bed. I think that was a good suggestion to help reconnect and get back regular intimacy.

By the way you have more sex than me and my H. We have a 3 year old and I'm pregnant. Our sex life is like the Sahara desert since being pregnant, but we've acknowledged it and joked about it. I just can't do it at the moment but I still give intimacy. He knows were the bathroom is and of course I
don't mind! Hopefully I don't spot him on here

Good luck OP