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Original poster

How do I end it for good.

28 replies

Mummystar123 · 06/01/2016 20:28

I'm pregnant by a mm. I didn't know he was married initially but found it hard to let go at the end and I do still have feelings for him.
I have recently been diagnosed with bi- polar and Mild borderline personality disorder. I'm not saying that to excuse why I stayed with him just to give a background on my situation. I had a scan today and the mm said, 'you need to get rid of it now or you will never see me again. I want you to get rid so we can stay together'. Which is what he has been saying since I found out ( see prev thread). I wanted to be kind and keep the peace but I found out from another single parent today at the nursery that he has been messaging her on POF! She wa talking about the guy she was chatting to and said two or 3 things that struck me as 1. He comes from a very small town that her chap also came from and 2. His first name was the same. I said to her- oh that sounds like someone I know and she showed me a pic- it was him.
They have been chatting for 6 months and last month he was asking her to meet him for sex, said he was a single dad blah blah blah, the same shit he told me.
I'm devastated, I knew he was a lying shit but this is unbelievable.
A few times when we were together he accused me of seeing other people and now I know that's exactly what he was doing.
I feel terrible for his actual GF and kids as she appears to be clueless!
I need to fuck him of ASAP but I appreciate that he may in the future want to see his child.
He is texting me saying he loves me and doesn't want to loose me etc etc
I want to end it full stop- do I send a polite text and then block his number etc or just ignore completely??
We were going to meet on Saturday to talk so I could tell him face to face but tbh I'm scared I'll just punch him square in the face!
Help guys please!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummystar123 · 06/01/2016 21:26

Anyone?

OP posts:
ElfishPresly · 06/01/2016 21:31

I'd just be straight up and tell him you are not interested but allow him access to his child if he wants it. Sorry you're going through such a shitty time.

Original poster
Mummystar123 · 06/01/2016 21:43

Thanks

OP posts:
spudlike1 · 06/01/2016 22:01

Do not meet him ..email a business like letter saying your relationship is over but you would like to arrange access on.the future for his child .

Marchate · 06/01/2016 22:51

Yes, email is the best way to keep a record of what is discussed. It saves disagreement later

Getit · 06/01/2016 22:54

Sorry but that karma is a bitch Grin

SelfLoathing · 06/01/2016 23:08

What do you actually want in an ideal world? To have no contact with him? For him to be a father to your child? For you to end up together in a fantasy of hearts and flowers? For him to be faithful to you?

I think you need to be really REALL honest with yourself here because it will inform your actions.

If you actually deep down want to keep being the OW or have a real desire to become the primary partner (for this guy who is likely to still be unfaithful) you may come to realise that anything you say to him has ulterior motives. (the subconcious hope that the ultimatum will bring him running).

If you really want to break it off but are open to him being involved in his child's life, then I would meet him (you are a grown up after all and about to become a mother so you can be civilised and well mannered even if he is a cnt) and tell him neutrally and calmly that you know about (what you posted about), that any relationship between you is over, you don't appreciate him trying to blackmail you by bargaining access to him with your child's life and you are deeply disappointed in him for that as you thought better of him (although you may want to leave that bit out). However, he is as free to be involved or not involved in your child's life as he wishes; that you won't block access but beyond contact related to the child you aren't interested in anything beyond an operating civil cordiality for the sake of your child.

The ideal place for this meeting would be somewhere neutral that is quasi private - ie. not your place or his but a public place where you can talk without being overheard.

[*in my experience, telling people calmly you are disappointed in them and expected more of them, really freaks people out and gives you a massive upper hand in a stressful and emotional situation. I think it's something to do with the fact it's the kind of phrasing that parents/teacher used as a child and it has a deep psychological resonance in an emotional situation.]

Sorry you are in such a terrible position and hope your future holds lots of lovely things.

SelfLoathing · 06/01/2016 23:11

And I agree with posters above that an email record of what you agree is a good idea. If you do meet him and anything is agreed, I'd follow up with an email recording what took place.

" This email is to record our understanding of what we discussed. As you know, I told you [won't obstruct access]. You indicated that you would [xyz]"

Original poster
Mummystar123 · 07/01/2016 00:58

I don't have an email for him but I could text, yes karma is a bitch Getit but I you read if you will see that actually I didn't know he had another primary partner until later in our relationship and I struggled to walk away, your comment was unnecessary and unhelpful. I will meet and follow if up with a text message, we both have I phones so I will always have a clear record as will he. Thanks for the helpful advice. I defo don't want to be with him at all, I'm very hurt and you can't just switch off loving someone, that's why I ended up staying with him for a whole when I found out but after this no way. I deserve better and so do my kids, including this baby.

OP posts:
Getit · 07/01/2016 07:37

Actually I did read that you struggled to walk away. Don't complain that he has done the same thing to you. You were the OW!

GraceKellysLeftArm · 07/01/2016 07:43

Being borderline and having abandonment issues is going to make it ten times harder than it would for a "normal".

No contact is the only way to protect your head. Email and don't see him, it's the only way.

Original poster
Mummystar123 · 07/01/2016 10:50

I didn't know I wa the other woman for a while and it's not that easy when you are in love with somebody. But whatever- you are entitle your your opinion, it just seems like a harsh response when I am asking for advice. You know that saying ' if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all'.

OP posts:
IamlovedbyG · 07/01/2016 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jan45 · 07/01/2016 10:56

If you really want to end it then just do it, it's hardly rocket science.

You got involved with a mm, this is the fall out from that, the consequences if you like, there's never a good ending.

Sounds like you lack a lot of confidence and are choosing the wrong men, you should stay single and work on yourself and why you are prepared to be involved with a man with such serious commitments - he's clearly an arsehole.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/01/2016 11:00

Text him - tell him it's over and you will be blocking his number so he can't contact you again.
Then do just that.
Walk away - no contact at all.
Do NOT meet him. He will worm his way back in with his manipulation and lies.
Text, block, delete, get on with your life without this lying cheating knobwank of an arsehole in it!

SelfLoathing · 07/01/2016 11:04

Actually I think the saying is "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' come and sit by me".

Mummystar123, I don't think that there is any purpose to you getting into an argument/ tit for tat posting with Getit. Fact is that if you post on a message board on the interweb then you are opening yourself up to nasty,snarky comments whatever the topic. It's part of life and you have no business to say "don't say anything if you don't have anything nice to say" - which is a phrase that is really irritating at the best of times!

That risk of nasty snarky comments is doubled, tripled, exponentially increased if it is a post about being an OW. (I have been an OW so I'm not judging!)

Just ignore any advice or comments you find offensive and move on.

But it is true that a man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy, as they say. There can be no true expection of fidelity from a man for whom you are a bit on the side - whether you knew it or not.

Original poster
Mummystar123 · 07/01/2016 11:08

I don't want to be with him, I just wanted some supportive advice as how I can end it in a way that's best for me and my child. I will go with the advice above an send him a message as I don't have his email. I'm going to just draw a line under all of it.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 07/01/2016 11:13

OP, do you expect/need him to pay child maintenace? If you do, then you're going to need to keep in some kind of contact, which could be ultimately quite harmful to your mental health.

If you decide you won't pursue maintenace, then I'd suggest just going NC - don't meet him, don't call him, and block his number so you can't get sucked in again. In this case I'd also leave him off your child's BC.

By the way did you tell the woman at nursery about him?

SelfLoathing · 07/01/2016 11:30

You don't have his email address and you are having a child with him?!?!

As you know my advice was to see him face to face. I think it's always better to do stuff face to face as you can read someone's reactions. It's easy to lie in a message - "sure I want to be involved in our child's life."

If he choose to be involved and you are willing for that to happen, then you are going to have to deal with him.

I really wouldn't do this by message myself. If you are, and you get any kind of response from him about wanting to be involved, then I would get his email address asap!

Original poster
Mummystar123 · 07/01/2016 14:11

We have never exchanged emails.

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 07/01/2016 14:30

you've missed the point. If you dont have his email address it rather folllows!!!

AmandaMckinelly · 07/01/2016 14:39

First tell his girlfriend of the trap you have fell into so she can be as clued up as you she deserves to know the truth then you leave him tell him why and just never reply to a message he sends again unless it is a reasonable message about his chile

Original poster
Mummystar123 · 07/01/2016 16:01

I was with my husband for 10 years and never knew his email address, I'm not sure I do get your point sorry??

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummystar123 · 07/01/2016 16:08

To answer the other questions
Yes I was using contraception, we use condoms at first and then I went on the mini pill but switched to the combined pill as the mini pill made me bleed a lot.
I have his home address, work address, parents address, tel no etc just not an email address.
I told the other mum at the nursery, she was as stunned as I was, she has cut contact as far as I know.
I have composed a message stating that we need to meet up and chat but not at either of our homes, I will explain that I know about the 2nd other woman, I know about the lies he has been telling me regarding his primary relationship and I deserve better than a liar and a cheat. He may have contact with his child if he wishes but beyond that I no longer wish to have contact with him.
I will then sum it all up and send in via text so we both have a record.
Then I have nc until baby is here.

OP posts:
Crumbles12 · 07/01/2016 16:18

I've been with DP 7 years and don't have his email on contacts, many people don't do personal emails anymore so not sure what was meant by that either!

I hope everything works out for you, it must be a scary and hard time without his support, NC is the best way forward. Then just inform him the baby has been born and if he wants contact he can make the first move, that's probably unlikely though if he doesn't tell his wife x