MN helped me find affair - now how the f do I deal with practical stuff

[KrakenAwakes]

Few days before Christmas (on the 21st December) I checked my husbands phone. Hes been stressed at work lately and hasn't be as kind to the two DDs we have or to me. Has had a few stressful moments before but this seemed worse than usual. MN experience (I've namechanged) told me all was not well.

I think there were 450+ emails and messages between him and a work colleague. They had been meeting in the office after work (telling me he was at the gym) and fucking on peoples desks. Husband began a new job in October which is when he met her, I have her name, email, phone number etc.

I copied all the emails to my phone/google account - then confronted him. He left.

And that was that. Ten years gone in a fortnight which is how long they'd been physically into each other - emotionally much longer I think. I contacted a lawyer re access for the children as he didn't get in touch for 24 hours then emailed a demand that he see them on boxing day to visit his family and retain normality 'for them'.

Since then he has been an utter cunt. We haven't spoken about the affair because he doesn't know what he wants although he has supposedly quit seeing this woman. Who by the way is ten years older than me, recently separated and went after him like you would not believe. Sending naked pics of herself to him on email asking if he wanted to play, suggesting poses he could screw her in. She clearly thought she had a chance and he was a fucker for not sticking to me and our family.

I have enabled access to our daughters although have had to make all the arrangements and as he has nowhere to take them then he has to come to our house which I am finding very difficult.

What I need help with are the practicalities. We are part way through renovating our house and I only work PT on a rolling contract but we have many deposits paid for work planned this year (its an old house). I have a legal appointment booked next week but I do not want to lose our home. We have two children (under 5) and one gets higher rate DLA. I am worried sick about money - really worried. Even if I get a FT post (difficult) the cost of childcare will eat most of it, and my oldest gets exhausted so FT before/after school club will shatter her. I know he will have to pay some form of maintenance but no idea how much.

He has spouted so much bullshit (he will only 'talk' via google chat) such as the friendship between us hasn't been there for a few months, he was planning to tell me and leave after Christmas, or that we need to patch it up before we can work on the marriage long term.

I don't know what to think - the house is calmer and kinder since he left. I keep being told by friends I should wait to begin formal proceedings but I am sad it happened but equally enjoying the freedom of living without him.

Please - any money tips - do tell me. I'll deal with emotions another day

I remember an acquaintance talking about her husband who had left her and she said there was 'no way' her kids' standard of living was going to drop, just because he'd left the family.

He earned very well and she took him for everything she could (and some) then a few years later she married a Consultant Anaesthetist.

KrakenAwakes From my recent experiences with the legal profession.

Yes they aren't cheap around 200 "ish" an hour is about the going rate. Don't bother getting 2 free half hours from Two differing practices as you need to tell the solicitor you chose all the details you'll only have to repeat it again! He should also get legal representation, he will be stupid if he doesn't!, and your solicitor will have to contact his over the time it takes to settle. So you need the one on your side.

Roughly the courts are concerned with your children and not so much the warring parties. No fault divorces are the in thing these days the courts aren't bothered with who sha^^ed whom.

All what you jointly own and or have acquired in the marriage inc pensions savings are in the marital "pot". They will then see what the needs of each party is i.e. income and expenditure. You will both need to be housed and if there is sufficient equity then you can sell the main house and perhaps each take out your own mortgage but that's usually not the way of it. The courts will want to see that the children are cared for and that's usually though not always the mothers.

So you will more than likely get the house, but as each case can differ then this is where you -> MUST

Sorry meant to add on this firms advice for MEN so you can see what the other side is likely to get or be hammered for etc.

www.terry.co.uk/men_div.html

HTH.

Would I take him back

I don't know. If he made an effort - a monumental effort - to change, to be the man I married then perhaps. But I thibk it is over - there will be very tough days ahead without a shadow of a doubt. But there will also be some pretty fantastic days as well - my daughters are beautiful and hilarious. Since their father left they have become gentler and I see their individual characters so much more. We play together and I read hundreds of stories because i am no longer constantly feeling my house must be immaculate - dinner on the table at 6 - children ready for bed by 7 - me ready for sex by 9.

The last was a sort of joke. Although he preferred oral sex - less effort.

Ok so he's still staying I can't complain about being exhausted if I don't let him help with bedtimes.

Out oldest can be up in the night up to a dozen times. It's the lack of a decent nights sleep along with the mental exhaustion of dealing with being in limbo which I am struggling with.

He is taking them out tomorrow - don't know where too. Has no car and won't use public transport.

What if I transfer all my assets to the children's bank accounts?

What would happen in court if I moved the 'savings' in the account over to mine?

Can you not transfer enough to cover several months' or quarters utility bills - prepaying effectively. That way you know bills are covered &, should he try to drain your joint account, it won't put you in difficulty with outgoings. We got diddled by our electricity & gas supplier taking ludicrous monthly direct debits (£600 surplus in

Kraken during divorce you have to declare your children's assets too. And you have to provide bank statements for the past year. Very obvious deprivation of assets. His solicitor would just at your solicitor. You'd be better off slowly withdrawing it in cash, sticking it under the mattress and pretending you spent it on Prosecco nights out!

You really need legal advice.

Bugger.

I've never been divorced before. Not familiar with the process at all.

Becoming familiar.

Kraken , yes its not a very pleasant place to go. Somehow I think that you might be temped to see if you can be reconciled with the possible EX perhaps he too doesn't know what's going the be coming his way either.

Perhaps you ought to see if he might see some sense, and at least talk about it, perhaps he now regrets it all but is too proud/stupid to say so?

And to be less demanding and see what that's done to you and how that's made you feel.

Anyway up to you of course.

I've offered reconciliation.

As yet he still hasn't told me what is so bad that he thinks he needs to leave - apparently he was going to leave even if he hadn't had an affair. Which he says he recognises makes everything much much harder to sort out.

Literally have no idea what in hell name was so bad about our life together.

Get the child benefit, tax credit and other benefits paid into your account not the joint one.

Keep all the direct debits coming out of the joint account.

Do not transfer money into your children's bank accounts. Keep it in your own bank account. You will need it to keep a roof over their heads if your STBXH stops contributing towards the mortgage and other expenses.

Glad you're seeing a solicitor on Wednesday, it can't come soon enough!

Meanwhile CAB could advise you on benefits.

Sheesh I do wish people who don't know stuff wouldn't give advice.

Joint account - this counts (all the money in it) as your money as far as tax credits and benefits are concerned as you have access to it and you must declare it and shoe the statements which could royally mess you up. Ditto children's accounts. In addition your ex could do same as mine and empty it completely. I also know of this happening to several others. Transfer out the money which is yours (you can get in trouble for removing too much), arrange for all benefits you are entitled to to be paid into your personal account. Direct debits depends on whose name they are in and what for if they are in your name and/or bills for the house you are living in you are liable and need to pay them (again from your personal account) and then inform the bank you want removed from it and why - bank will either remove your name or freeze the account at which point legally you have no access to it.

Get him off the council tax tough if its inconvenient! Have you checked if you're entitled to council tax benefit ?

Child benefit is slightly more (just pennies I'm afraid) for LP and you can have it paid weekly if you wish.

Tax credits may pay some childcare costs especially if you have a disabled child.

Is the car registered in your name or his? Ours was in ex's name as his credit was better but we both paid towards it. Didn't stop him taking it in the night, again not uncommon. Ditto removal of stuff from the house, furniture, cash etc.

Benefits most social services offices have a welfare advice officer who can advise better than entitled to on this. Think it would be especially useful for you as social services tend to know what is available in benefits and grants where a member of the household is disabled. If you're part time you may be entitled to some income support or something else. There are benefits and help out there that is not advertised. Thinking social services may also be able to help you get a break with your disabled child or provide some support? At least until you get your head round things and into a new routine.

Do you pay for your disabled child's prescriptions and dentist? You may be able to get help with that if you aren't already.

Solicitors as in any profession there's good and bad. It is worth trying a few, get recommendations from friends and if possible someone in the profession. My first one was useless and it was only from chatting to a secretary that I learned you could change and they recommended someone much more proactive.

Cms get this done asap. They take ages and they are one of those agencies where the squeaky wheel gets the most oil, keep on at them.

I was naive and ignorant when I split from my ex. I was a sahm with no income no support network (military so far from home). As I say he wiped out all the money and took the car and I was completely blindsided. I've had friends where the ex has removed all furniture while they were at work, cancelled appointments where they've worked together etc he is not your friend he is not to be trusted at the very least financially.

Protect yourself.

KrakenAwakes are you any further forward as yet?.. or not?.

Justaboy

So - I've lost count of week now.

He is now totally incommunicado. Will not respond to any messages until late the night before collecting them. He has had them for 3h a week, then 4h, that then jumped to 6h for a 'special occasion' at his families house. No idea what. Both girls upset on returning, school had a week of hellish behaviour from my oldest. Ex refused to discuss.

Have offered divorce. Doesn't want it. Offered reconciliation. Doesn't want it. Offered more contact or video calls - says its a nice idea but yes - you guessed it - doesn't want it.

Financially we have our first mediation meeting this week, he has not engaged with relate. Apparently not seeing the bitch he had an affair with but as he is active on all his social media accounts then I suspect he is still in touch with her. He simply totally refuses to message me. Ever. Reads what I write (even about his daughters MRI test) but doesn't reply or ask about them or me.

There are zero services for us to access (thanks to the cuts from government) but the surestart is being very kind. I inherited a lump sum too late last year which he cannot touch or claim on as he had already gone - that if needed can pay for court costs.

Just a bump in case those who saw my original thread are still around.

A few weeks after the post above it transpired he had continued to see the OW while talking to me in Relate. I had contacted him as our youngest had had a minor injury which needed the walk in and I wondered if he could watch our oldest as it had happened at bedtime. In response he sent a nasty email to me but sadly hadn't removed the ping pong conversation below it with his new girlfriend.The email was enlightening but when he realised what he had done he broke off all contact and we have not seen or heard from him until the beginning of June when I formally filed for divorce under adultery.

Since then he has been visiting the house at random times leaving flowers or moving items in the garden. He hasn't seen a solicitor (he has spoken to mine), I have had about a dozen abusive emails from his mother but thankfully little else. Financially he hasn't stopped paying in some of his salary but has told the solicitor he wants to do so ASAP, he's changed jobs and I literally have no way to contact him now other than through work. Mutual friends have told me that he is blaming me for the breakup and that I have stopped him seeing the dc and also collecting his things as well as refusing to have any kind of reconciliation.

On the other hand I'm doing pretty ok as are my dc although one has developed extreme separation anxiety which we are getting some support for.

Glad you're doing well Kracken, sounds like you're well rid. Good for you making so much progress. Best of luck with everything to come. Hope your dcs will feel better soon.

I'm so sorry you and your DDs are going through this . STBXH sounds like a spineless shit. You sound tired and fed up, but like you're keeping your head above water. KOKO as they say

Good lord, he sounds deranged. Can you get a non-harassment order re him coming to the house. He doesn't sound safe, let alone doing any kind of parenting.