MN helped me find affair - now how the f do I deal with practical stuff

[KrakenAwakes]

Few days before Christmas (on the 21st December) I checked my husbands phone. Hes been stressed at work lately and hasn't be as kind to the two DDs we have or to me. Has had a few stressful moments before but this seemed worse than usual. MN experience (I've namechanged) told me all was not well.

I think there were 450+ emails and messages between him and a work colleague. They had been meeting in the office after work (telling me he was at the gym) and fucking on peoples desks. Husband began a new job in October which is when he met her, I have her name, email, phone number etc.

I copied all the emails to my phone/google account - then confronted him. He left.

And that was that. Ten years gone in a fortnight which is how long they'd been physically into each other - emotionally much longer I think. I contacted a lawyer re access for the children as he didn't get in touch for 24 hours then emailed a demand that he see them on boxing day to visit his family and retain normality 'for them'.

Since then he has been an utter cunt. We haven't spoken about the affair because he doesn't know what he wants although he has supposedly quit seeing this woman. Who by the way is ten years older than me, recently separated and went after him like you would not believe. Sending naked pics of herself to him on email asking if he wanted to play, suggesting poses he could screw her in. She clearly thought she had a chance and he was a fucker for not sticking to me and our family.

I have enabled access to our daughters although have had to make all the arrangements and as he has nowhere to take them then he has to come to our house which I am finding very difficult.

What I need help with are the practicalities. We are part way through renovating our house and I only work PT on a rolling contract but we have many deposits paid for work planned this year (its an old house). I have a legal appointment booked next week but I do not want to lose our home. We have two children (under 5) and one gets higher rate DLA. I am worried sick about money - really worried. Even if I get a FT post (difficult) the cost of childcare will eat most of it, and my oldest gets exhausted so FT before/after school club will shatter her. I know he will have to pay some form of maintenance but no idea how much.

He has spouted so much bullshit (he will only 'talk' via google chat) such as the friendship between us hasn't been there for a few months, he was planning to tell me and leave after Christmas, or that we need to patch it up before we can work on the marriage long term.

I don't know what to think - the house is calmer and kinder since he left. I keep being told by friends I should wait to begin formal proceedings but I am sad it happened but equally enjoying the freedom of living without him.

Please - any money tips - do tell me. I'll deal with emotions another day

You should ask a solicitor whether, given your situation, there is case law to support you in claiming spousal support from him - to support you staying in the house and in not being able to work full time due to DCs needs.

Do get legal advice right away. Don't give anything away - you need that house for your dc to live in and you need an income until they are independent.

Also don't believe anything he says. Anything at all. From now on make all your plans and assessments based on the premise that he is a complete liar and no-hoper. I managed to avoid £10 000 debt by doing that, when my ex said he'd pay towards daughter's wedding, and never did. I hadn't believed him so only spent what I could afford to pay by myself.

So. Legal advice absolutely critical.

Neutral place for contact.

Get all incoming and outgoings listed and his agreement to keep paying printed out.

Get him off the council tax and ring to see what I can claim. But I am assuming I can only begin to claim if he stops paying into the joint account.

If he hadn't screwed around and just left as he was unhappy then we might have been able to work it through. But I don't see how there's any way back from such a betrayal

Council tax is based on who lives in the property, they are not interested in your banking arrangements. Just say your dh left and you're alone with your dc. If anyone asks re your bank account, which is v unlikely, you say " I'm going to open one of my own.

You should anyway, to put your savings into and to have the child benefit paid into and the tax credits you're going to call about ASAP.

If he emails you anything to do with finances then just say you need to think about it. Which is true. After you've seen a solicitor, and got some facts for your particular case.

Him paying into the joint account is irrelevant and does not affect the benefit payments, the sooner you claim the better as this is when payments can be back-dated to. You don't need to tell him that you have claimed if you don't want to, it's none of his business.

I do have my own bank account - should I request that DLA, CB and any tax credits are paid into that?

I'll email him tomorrow about the council tax. I have sold enough on Gumtree and eBay tonight to pay for the electrician. Just baby buggy, cot, old bookcase and a rather odd standard lamp which seemed popular.

At least this year's holiday is paid for.

KrakenAwakes So very sorry the read this but it does seem that if he's been messing around with the OW for what? 10 years then it does seem to me its broken beyond redemption. So as others have said and I can't stress it anymore you need LEGAL ADVICE and very soon . It looks like you need all the help on your side re money, housing and the children.

All the details will have come out when you go for a divorce and this time of year is peak time after the season of goodwill;! His income and yours, all outgoings, money, savings, mortgages pensions the whole lot and if he or thee attempts to hide any money or assets then that's contempt of court i.e. not good! They'll all have to be described in a form "E"

If you want to be getting on and find out a bit more have a read through ,

www.divorce.co.uk

Some advice here and you can download the form E to see what's all to come!

www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends/apply-for-a-financial-order

It's one of the best guides around. You'll need to be firm and have strength for what is to come. Be brave. and so very sorry you've been cheated on:-(

justaboy I don't think the affair has been going on ten years, just two weeks as a physical relationship, a bit longer as a ea. Ten years is how long the OP has been with her dh.

oP, I have nothing to add to the good advice, other than to say keep records of everything!

Yes transfer your benefits into your bank account so he can't stop you from having them, and also they benefits for your children and as you are looking after the children then you should have them.

Sorry you're going through this OP. No financial advice to add to the great stuff here but this stuck out:

I have enabled access to our daughters although have had to make all the arrangements and as he has nowhere to take them then he has to come to our house which I am finding very difficult.

I bet you are. Unless this is as your disabled dd couldn't cope with going out and needs him to see her at home or if transport for her an issue (which is still frankly his problem long term to sort out) he has a wealth of places to take the dds from Mcd's upwards, and he needs to start getting used to the change in his life that he has chosen with all its responsibilities. He chose to do this to his children as well as you, so expecting you to 'maintain their normality' is a bit rich, and expecting your wife to facilitate and help you to make your life easier kind of ends when you behave to her in the way he has to you.

Move all benefits to your own account, and don't say anything. Why should you? He's already fiddling you and the DC out of money by wanting you to pretend he's still living there.

He has left. This is what happens when you leave. People ( you!) move on and make sure they protect themselves and their dependants. He can't have his cake, eat his cake, make trifle out of cake, and leave cake for later.

There is no more cake.

You may find that you would get more than you think of the joint assets due to your eldest DD's additional needs. It is not uncommon for 70% to be awarded to the parent who cares for 2 small children anyway. You may get more.

CityMole I'm indebted to my 'learned friend for pointing that out, yes of course in closer reading !.

Still no change in the advice you need to see a Solicitor as soon as if not for some moral backup even.

Appointment is booked for the 13th January at 9am. The solicitor costs are £225 an hour faints I have agreed with the solicitor to send her an email with all the financial details including mortgage rates - equity etc - beforehand and then she can make the most of the appointment.

My aim tomorrow is to move DLA (which he wants to use to pay the bills and I have said over and over it is for her), and CB over to my account. Remove him from council tax as well.

Then once I can get into the joint account I can start to see what the incomings and outgoings are.

What would happen in court if I moved the 'savings' in the account over to mine? I am thinking if I move ALL the direct debits to my account I will need to transfer money over from joint (where he pays in 70% of his salary for now) each month, and that excess would give me a buffer.

rumble she won't be as well supported elsewhere but no she has good mobility and will be able to cope elsewhere. Not outside in this weather for long though as her muscles stiffen even with a nice warm coat and trousers. Her medications are morning and evening, he won't dare to make her miss them as she would become seriously ill.

Dont move the direct debits just yet. It might not go to court if you can agree a settlement. But move the child benefit and any child / tax credits you are awarded into your own account. Please budget (!)

See more than one lawyer if you can and get your free half an hour. Think what you want, ( stay in your home, x amount of maintenance, plus extra due to care of dd and an option to increase it should you need to cut your hours etc etc) to ask and write it down. Ask how you'll get it. If you'll get it.

Yes 50/50 is the starting point but everyone's case is different. if he starts to try and negotiate with you say " thanks, I'll consider it" and keep it in a pile for when you have a lightning conversation with your solicitor of choice.

Ask how to keep costs down. They can spiral alarmingly. Holidays might have to go on hold tbh.

Make sure you undertand what your lawyer is doing. Maybe look at wkidivorce? Or on here in divorce/ separation?

I will be drawing up a budget just as soon as I can get into the joint account. I'll also double check my earnings ( I work a combination of different hours) and speak to tax credits to see what I may be entitled too.

The DC and I live quite simply, I only use the car for work days and we have minimal outgoings. Fortunately we have already paid for one holiday - and a relative has kindly offered a beach lodge for a few weeks in the summer.

Good tip on seeing more than one lawyer - as yet STBXH is still keeping me totally in the dark about his plans.

Write down what your incoming is and all outgoings. I found YNAB a great help as its all done for you. Don't pay your sol £225 an hour to do something that you can do! Just arrive with the facts.

He will be asked to pay x by the csa, but if he's pissing about, you'll need an interim order for maintenance. This will not look good for him should he start to be a nuisance. The only thing he might go to court for is to make you sell the house which your sol will have advice for you for your situation.

Oh- and if you are paying for advice, take it:) it will sound v nasty and hard but actually you'll end up there anyway.

YNAB?

I really do not want to sell my home.

As in I will fight for my home - and my girls home. Its perfect (except for the building work) and we have been so so happy here - selling my home will hurt so very much.

FFS:) don't do the frugal living shit:) that would be very foolish and nit helpful for you and the DC long term.

write down properly what life costs. Add in babysitters. Hair appointments ( all of you!) beauty treatments, Gym. Activities for DC, money for holidays, money for Christmas, birthdays etc. It doesn't matter a crap what he thinks.

School dinners, school trips - all have to be budgeted for. new car soon, all that decorating, what will your DC need? Even a pet- hung in insurance for pet. You and your DC need a life when it's all over.

Actually we were meant to be getting a dog. And a new (to us) car next year, never get babysitters - but might well need to now so I can occasionally go out - he is adamant he will babysit but the thought leaves me cold. Only today he said in it texts three times he wants to come and do bedtimes like her used too. I have stuck to my guns saying it will upset the girls.

And the girls and I do have 6 weekly hairdresser appointments. And dentist isn't free (non NHS) and theres the glasses we all need every year or so. And my SW membership - and private physio.

Oh and new school shoes, uniform - indeed.

Maybe we are not so frugal.

YNAB - you need a budget- it's a app for budgeting. There's threads on here and it's a bloody life saver:)

You need to make it clear to the lawyer you don't want to lose your home. Think of a solution. when's it up for re mortgage? If you pay the renovations, he won't be due 50 share of profit, you could always agree as of a valuation that's current he gets a share and then when you come to sell that's his bit. Your lawyer will help you.

No, he can't tell you he's the babysitter:) that would be awful and so awkward - maybe in a couple of years when it's all over? and no, he can't come and do bedtimes! What?

You need to sort out with him what he wants for access. It's tricky- but just tell him when he has a place of his own then he will be able to have the DC overnight and do bedtimes. Talk to the lawyer. Don't be emotional ( time wasting

Write it all down, what you need. My ex dh said my dd ballet lessons were a ridiculous luxury and she should stop (£25 for a term) I hope dd never finds out he wanted to stop them:(

Also budget for days out, petrol, meals out- assume you take the DC out sometimes? Just write it all down and that's what you need.

And find a babysitter now and go out. It's bugger all to do with him, tbh. You can't be sat at home in your nice clothes waiting to go out and he doesn't turn up!

And the house - get the latest mortgage statement, find out when it can be remortgaged. Get a valuation ( even comparable on right move) and see what the real equity is.

Again- be really careful what you write, and save all the texts. And you don't have to reply btw. Just ignore him or say " only email please" he can't bother you night and day with text messages. It's annoying - unless it's essential re the DC, and them bare minimum.

Would you take him back?

No he really can't do bedtimes. He doesn't get to keep you and the girls in suspended animation in his familiar routine and swan in and out to do the bits of family life he wants to like nothing's happened. He accepts the consequences that come with the choice he made like a grown up, and he doesn't get to moan at you to enable him so he doesn't have to face them. You and dds need to be able to settle to your new routine of life without him living there, it's a big part of coping with the distress of separation.

Lavender nailed it with the cake analogy. He needs to sort out his new home and do bedtimes there.