Moving to Ireland with daughter after separation - is this just selfish?

[galwaygirl1971]

Hi,
This is my first post, but I have been lurking and found the posts really helpful. I separated from my husband a year ago, after 20 years together. We have a 12 and 18 year old. The eldest is in her first year in Uni. I have pretty much come to the decision to move back to Ireland (after 22 years away) and bring up the youngest there. I've lived in London for nearly 19 years (ex is a Londoner), never loved it, but it was home. Now that I am single, I have started having mad, bad nightmares about being on my own here when I'm older. Anyway, everyone is sort of okay with the decision, although I think we're all in denial a bit. What I really want to know is, am I being too selfish breaking up the family even more than it is - I feel I'm going mad, definite one day and in tears the next thinking about it. Has anyone done this sort of move after marriage breakup?
Thanks in advance.

Mumoftwoyoungkids I know nothing about his pension - it hasn't even been discussed. Actually, I think I mentioned once that if we had gone down the legal route his pension would be taken into account, and he looked shocked that I could even think that was going to be discussed. And it hasn't been.

This is a guy who's a pure socialist, sold the socialist worker at tube stations till a few years ago. He believes that he should get as much back as he put into the house.

i know nothing about his pension

Are you mad ? Why are you not discussing it ? It's a marital asset as much as the house .

If I lived anywhere near you I would drag you off to a lawyer myself .

A pure socialist that wants somewhere between 70% and 90% of the family assets whilst you are taking care of the child? Hmmmm.

Pension sharing on divorce came in in about 2001. It isn't new. With a 22 year marriage and two kids there is no such thing and "what he put in" - you have as much right to these assets as him. More if anything as you are taking care of the child.

A pure socialist that wants somewhere between 70% and 90% of the family assets whilst you are taking care of the child?

Indeed - seeing him in a whole new light. Just to show you how 'socialist' he really is, his argument is he put the down payment on the house (about 40 grand in 97), so my 60:40 split is in fact 90:10 in my favour if you take that down payment into account (as you should in his view). He really doesn't get the concept of marriage it seems.

This might be a useful starting point. The govt one has a useful spreadsheet but you will need info on your mutual assets. If he's not willing to share that voluntarily you will have no choice but to have a solicitor request it. Which he will have to comply with or be financially penalised. The costs of your/your ex's solicitor will also come out of any settlement so it's in both your interests to do as much yourselves as you can in order to make any visits to them short, sweet and cheaper!

www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends/overview

www.divorce-online.co.uk/DOL-Forum/threads/what-would-my-spouse-be-entitled-to-if-we-divorce.3072/

www.terry.co.uk/Pensions_in_divorce_01.html

Is your earning capacity considerably higher in London? Not your ability to get a job but is the value of the job you might do, considerably higher than the salary you might receive in Galway. If it is you might need to box clever if the settlement assumes you have an annual income of £40k but you could only expect €28 in Galway. I suspect that that becomes a lifestyle choice that your husband should not be penalised for albeit it could be argued that in divorcing you can't work as many hours depending on what you do but at 12yrs old that argument might not wash. Fine line to get what you want.

Maybe you want to divorce first and then move to Galway

Tell him it is 60/40 or 50/50 non negotiable and you will go the legal route if he won't agree.

Mouseinahole, I just did. He came straight back with his 90:10 b*shit. He claims I'm laying down the law with no discussions. This despite the fact that we've had a year of email after email on the issue. Well, at this stage I am or it's the legal route. I told him to except the 60:40 split and to use that when planning his future.

Treadsoftly thanks for that. I really, really wanted to avoid lawyers and divorce, so only had a cursory look at what I might get in a settlement (just so I could be reasonable or more than, when negotiating with him). But I may have no choice it seems.

You sound like a kind and reasonable person . Sadly some people see this as a weakness and will try to rip you off and exploit your good nature .

OP please be sensible: go the legal route now whatever.

No ifs, buts or ors...

There's reasonable and then there's naive and about to get completely shafted.

You would be foolish not to take a share of his pension and careless to give him a penny more than 50% of the equity. He sounds like an abusive bully and you must get lawyered up.

To be a 'home student' within the student support system for uni you currently require ordinary residence in the UK (with a different regime in Scotland). Your youngest will find it hard to establish ordinary residence in England, if she's living in Ireland.

Your eldest is in the process of establishing her own independent life - it might be that for the next couple of years, she spends a chunk of the year with you and a chunk with her father. But this won't continue for long - and no doubt she'll also be spending time with uni friends and other friends too during the vacations too. Your home in Ireland is unlikely to ever be her real home.

I think you should move to Galway where you can imagine the next stage of your life being. It is not that far from Liverpool and would be a similar decision as moving to a different region of the U.K. Your eldest daughter will have your home as a base to come back to. Her university friends and social life and future work life could be based anywhere and Galway is as easy to get to as many other places. Your youngest daughter is likely to love Galway and it would be lovely for her to see you being happy there.
On the money side you need 50% if not more. You will be raising the school age child. Someone who has tried to cheat you out of your fair share of assets of the marraige cannot be relied upon to pay up in the future. Go for a clean break, get the money you will need for you and for your daughters' future up front. Pay for a solicitor and look at all assets incl pensions. You need security. So what if he buys a more expensive house? He could sell it when he retires and move to Scotland or France or anywhere. Fairness is a fair split now. He isn't being fair and you need to go the legal route. You need to fight for your proper share and not give way to this manipulation. Very best of luck to you.

I don't have much advice to be honest just wanted to say good luck to you and I hope everything sorts itself out. I grew up in Galway and Mayo! Although I live in the UK now I still go home regularly and have so much love for Ireland. Now that your DD1 is older she will see much more of Galway then she did as a child. Definitely make sure she brings a friend over and hits Galway of a night time. Some of my best nights out were spend there!

Am curious to know what you decided to do!?
I have lived here in London for 20 years and would move back in a heartbeat! But 3 kids later and husband from here not possible! Amazing husband but will not commute to Dublin! Have used all the tools to convince him but he does not want to be away from the kids. Irony is he is never here.
Anyway I hope it all worked out for you.

Since you say you are concerned more about being in London in the future and not so much about the present, I really think you ought not to move your daughter so far away from her father. She may seem ok with it, but IME children need their parents a lot more when going through the teen years (even though they say differently and are testing their independence) I don't think you should rely on your 12 year old's excitement as a predictor of how much she wants to move away. She's 12. If they have a good relationship, I would wait a few more years probably until she was 16 before making this move.

Hi Galwaygirl1971
Thank you for starting this thread back in 2016. It's now 2020 and I find myself in a similar situation albeit three years after separation. I married an English man and we have a dc age 10. I now want to move back to Galway for financial reasons and for a life near the sea for dc who adores the water. My ex is very difficult and has just issued a solicitor's letter on me trying to prevent me and daughter from visiting family in Galway this summer. I am contacting a solicitor tomorrow to contest.
However, really I would like to start a full move to Ireland. Ex owns his house in Chipping Norton whilst we rent. It is an expensive area and I couldn't get a mortgage when we split.
Ex is extremely combative and will contest a move. What I need to know is it is possible (via the court) even with a combative ex.
On top of it all he is using his poor health to keep dc and me here in Oxfordshire using guilt. That little one!

Any guidance or information would be very gratefully received.

I am a freelance aromatherapist and candle maker and could set up business in Galway no problem.