Moving to Ireland with daughter after separation - is this just selfish?

[galwaygirl1971]

Hi,
This is my first post, but I have been lurking and found the posts really helpful. I separated from my husband a year ago, after 20 years together. We have a 12 and 18 year old. The eldest is in her first year in Uni. I have pretty much come to the decision to move back to Ireland (after 22 years away) and bring up the youngest there. I've lived in London for nearly 19 years (ex is a Londoner), never loved it, but it was home. Now that I am single, I have started having mad, bad nightmares about being on my own here when I'm older. Anyway, everyone is sort of okay with the decision, although I think we're all in denial a bit. What I really want to know is, am I being too selfish breaking up the family even more than it is - I feel I'm going mad, definite one day and in tears the next thinking about it. Has anyone done this sort of move after marriage breakup?
Thanks in advance.

Don't be a mug about the money . Get legal advice , it doesn't mean you have to fight everything out in court .

Remember he could stop paying you anything for the 12 yo the day after court . Once you are living in Ireland it will be hard to fight it .

It's bloody expensive to learn to drive in Ireland as I think you have to have paid for 12 formal lessons. You don't have to do it all in one go of course buy it still adds up.

Citizensinformation.ie is a superb website which answers every question you could have.

I have very little to add except to say that the Western Distributor Road in Galway is brilliant for learning to drive on!

Also Galway is fantastic for teenagers and has a brilliant student buzz and nightlife if your DD1 might ever consider doing a semester in NUIG on Erasmus or something (don't even know if that works between Ireland and UK but might be worth investigating).

Hmm yes - you will still have to pay for healthcare out of that "luxurious" pension offered. With the greatest of respect, tell him to feck off

You are divorcing on the basis of your life in the UK. There is no obligation for you to go to Ireland or to stay there for that matter so it should be treated accordingly and you should not be disadvantaged by any tentative plans to relocate. Is he suggesting to you that if he decides to pack it all in, retire early to France that you can revisit the settlement. I doubt that very much.

I don't think you have to have a driving licence to buy a car, you just can't drive it without a licenced driver with you. And putting it in his name will make it a huge hassle to transfer the insurance over etc etc.

I learned to drive in London, it's intimidating because it's a big city but actually because traffic is so slow you have plenty of time to figure out where you are going and get in the right lane. Plus due to the volume in the main people are courteous about letting you out of side roads etc etc. Its a bit like people visiting London with prams - they always assume that no-one will help them on the Tube whereas the reality is quite different.

It's worth doing the theory test anyway so if there are delays you can crack on with lessons.

And really - see a solicitor. I've just watched someone be bullied into leaving the UK in very similar circumstances with two small children. She's accepted a crap agreement on the basis that he has worn her down and she doesn't understand the finances rather than gear herself up

Also - Inter Cert curriculum doesn't start until 2nd year so your DD has a years grace before having to be at secondary school in Ireland.

Diggum I tried to persuade dd1 to go to NUIG, but she was very set on the particular course she's doing. I think if I can get her to bring a friend over, then she can see nightlife etc. Currently all she knows is cousin's houses and the beach. I nearly told her tales of my UCG days but knew that would come back to haunt me

I'm going to look at doing lessons over here and thanks for the link Annarose2014. I know I should be more organised and look into things more, but I was sort of in denial until now. New year etc.

You may not have enough contributions for the Irish state pension (you need approx 260 PRSI contributions - like NI contributions I think) so don't believe him on anything about the finances - get good advice!

College 'fees' still apply (kind of) here - there is a 'registration fee' each year of €3,000 (but it's means tested and the limits are fairly generous)

Plenty of exemptions for Irish if you didn't attend primary here so your DD should be OK.

I have a couple of friends who have DC in UK universities - I think EU rules mean it has to be fairly easy to go to uni across EU borders and of course between Ireland and the UK there is no language barrier.

Taxes you will have to pay here, other costs to consider

Property tax
Water charges
Income tax
USC (on your income)
PRSI (on your income)
Doctor's appointments - about €50 to €60 per appointment. However I think the advantage can be that if you are very sick they will always squeeze you in (in my surgery anyhow) - I've seen a lot of posts on here about how hard it is to get an appointment - lots are 2 weeks away - I've never had to wait more than a day or two at most.
Private health insurance - between €120 to €200 a month - not essential but a lot of people have it. Very useful to avoid waiting lists, but of course pre-existing conditions are not covered. Pays some of GPs fees and dental fees too.
School - books, uniforms, a lot of schools have a set fee to cover materials as well (€100 approx I think). Most people send children to free primary schools. A lot are Catholic but there are a growing number of Educate Together (non denominational) schools being opened.
Secondary - depending on where you are, you could be in catchment for a good free state school. Most people I know have sent their DCs to fee paying though (I'm in south county Dublin). Fees are a fraction of the UK though - DD was €3650 for her last year. Some go up to €6K to 8K a year depending on the school. Free schools - you'll have to pay for extra curricular activities like hockey - but in DD's school these costs were mostly included in the fees.

good website for info on lots of areas

One thing - if he's being an arse about finances and you are moving to Ireland, it might be difficult to enforce any agreed maintenance. So consider taking a bigger portion of the house, his pension, in exchange for a smaller regular payment. Get your solicitor/advisor to calculate carefully so you don't get shafted.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams - it's odd cos if you met me you'd assume I was a strong (and I am in many ways) woman. But he knows all my weaknesses and knows I'm an emotional eejit a lot of the time, so he just chips away at those weaknesses, with dd1 being my biggest one. I'll look at solicitors.

Right, as well as being on the wagon for January I'm adding driving lessons to start asap to the new year list.

cross posted with a few people, who have given good advice but in far less of an essay format!

perpetuallybewildered - what did you do? Did you go with them, had you other family still left in UK?

I stayed, bf & friends here. With the benefit of hindsight it was a mistake, I should have gone.

It'll be different for your DD, travel is so much cheaper, she'll see as much of you as any other young one away at uni.

Your daughter will get an exemption from Irish (bonus!) though on the schooling front remember that free education in Ireland costs a fair amount, plus the other thing to consider is how she'll fit in, as an English girl (with an English accent) into the school you choose. I've know that to be tough going in certain places. It'll depend on the school obviously.

Are you being selfish? Probably not, I'd do the same if I was in your shoes (but the other way around), though I'd have concerns for the Dec in schools for the same reason up I stated above.

If your ex is ok with it then that's a major block removed with regards to the Hague Convention and Child Abduction Act

£52 to fly to Knock from Liverpool, £83 return to London by train. There are lots of reasons why you choosing to live elsewhere will make life cheaper for your husband in terms of maintenance anyway.

Just so you know - you have to pass the theory test before you can take a driving lesson There are also places you can do intensive lessons for a week and then sit the test. I have a 46 yr old friend who has done just this and passed.

It's very difficult for most people to negotiate objectively on their own behalf. Your starting position should be what you are fully entitled to and no less and you should engage a solicitor who supports that. Make it clear to your husband that if you have to wait 5 yrs until DD2 goes to uni that you will. [if he proposes getting arsy about "allowing it"]

I'm really sorry if this will hurt but you really need to think about the fact that he has already moved on emotionally. You are still grieving your marriage but he is trying to shore up his position to move on. His loyalty is no longer with you.

Another website you need is boards.ie. there's a Galway forum.

Thanks all, will look at all the links when I finish work (yes, I have been 'at work' all this time... how do I fit everything in).

Tread I know you're right about him having moved on. I know it has taken me this long, and that I still haven't got over him whereas he had a year in the marriage when he was emotionally detaching (I'm not lilly white but that's by the by). Even now, when I'm with the two girls I get pangs of sadness for HIM that he's missing out. Not for the girls as I was the most present parent all the years, but for him - and he's probably out with his girlfriend enjoying his freedom. But all that is fading, time does indeed heal. I will stay/get strong.

Moin, when I was growing up and the English cousins came over, I thought they were super intelligent cos of the accent. DD1 knows this, and I've a feeling she'll play it up!

Where we are moving is fairly urban, for Ireland, so I do hope it won't be an issue.

Get written confirmation he is happy for the children to move abroad. Then state you changed your mind. You then have a choice once finances are sorted for you staying in London.

I also second you getting proper legal advice. Just for information, I believe that any "child" over the age of 18 is not included in the financial calculations in a divorce as they are considered to be an adult at 18.

I think he is taking the piss quite frankly. He finished the marriage, has a girlfriend and now wants the lion share of the financial profit from the house. Cake and eat it come to mind.

Don't let him do this. I promise you it is hard being on your own and having to support yourself and your family.

Thanks. I really wanted to avoid lawyers etc, but as I am feeling I'm being manipulated, I will get legal advice. As you say, even if I don't use it in courts etc it will strengthen my argument when he's having a go.

She will lose all of her friends more than likely

Ime they start afresh in secondary anyway and yes, the girl with a different accent will stand out in a good way (I have a 13 year old who has just started secondary school).

Oh please. I know one girl who is starting next year in Taylors Hill in Galway. Even though she's local, she'll only know ONE girl from her previous school. That's commonplace.

So everyone else will be strangers too!

Op - WTF are you playing at?!?!? Thinking of giving him 60 - 70% of the value of the house plus his much bigger pension! Can you tell us about his pension? Is it FS or DC? If FS it could be worth a colossal amount. (I have 10 years of FS pension - it is worth more than my - rather nice 4 bedroomed - house.)

You could be giving him 90% of your family assets!

DD1 will be starting from scratch. I'm really trying to ensure she understands that. I decided not to put her in the school I went to as I understand it's very cliquey, but to one with a more diverse intake (diverse as in from lot's of country schools as well as locals).

It's funny what you get used to. My sister is in Galway and when we discuss cost of living, she hasn't once mentioned uniforms, books etc - and she has 3 in primary. Mind you, she's far better off than I'll be.