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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've done something terrible..

34 replies

ashamedofmyself · 18/12/2006 12:40

I've changed my name for this as I'm too ashamed to use my usual MN name.
Last night dh and I were having a row, it got quite heated and nasty and I just lost control, I flew at him and scratched him all down one side of his face and his neck. he grabbed my arm and pushed me away and I looked up to see his face covered in blood.
We were both so shocked by what had happened and I was shaking and crying and in a total state. He ended up comforting me, telling me it was Ok and we'd sort things out etc etc.
Eventually we went to bed and I've spent most of the night crying.
This morning, he was really kind about it all and told me I need to get help with my temper which I totally agree with.
Now his phones switched off and I'm terrified I've lost him for good. We've been arguing a lot at the moment and we are going through a bad patch, but its never gone this far.
I honestly don't know what happened to me, looking back its all a blur now, and I hate myself so much. I'm trying to be normal for the dc today, but I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
sleepycat · 18/12/2006 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2quokkasandapeartree · 18/12/2006 12:47

I agree don't panic. Why don't you do something like trying to find some help, so he knows that you want things to get better?

Original poster
ashamedofmyself · 18/12/2006 13:00

I've been reading about anger management on internet this morning. I never thought I'd be doing that.
I feel like a monster.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 18/12/2006 13:06

Lots of people on here (and their partners) have had anger management training, from what I've read. It's not unusual. And at least you are facing up to the problem and sorting it out.

Is there any hope of couples counselling, as well, so that you don't end up in such a horrid row again?

2quokkasandapeartree · 18/12/2006 13:08

Don't be silly, your not a monster! Your obviously going through a bit of a rough period and need some help.

I'm not English so can't really direct you where to get help, but I'm sure someone else will - or go to your doctor and discuss it with them?

Maybe dh is in a meeting or has his phone off for a good reason?

Original poster
ashamedofmyself · 18/12/2006 13:22

I'm already waiting to see a counsellor (for something else) through my gp but there's a 6 month waiting list for an appointment. Maybe I'll ask to speed it up, but I doubt I'll get an appt before christmas now will I?
I don't know if he'd go for couples counselling. He doesn't like talking in front of other people, quite a private person.
I'm also terrified of what people are going to say. He said he won't tell anyone, but its so obvious they are scratch marks. We've got his work Christmas do to go to this weekend and I can't face the thought of going and all the comments they'll make. I just want to hide away forever which is so selfish of me because its him who's having to go around with scratches all over his face - see how horrible I am, still thinking of myself after what I've done to him.

OP posts:
2quokkasandapeartree · 18/12/2006 13:29

ok I think you need to put what you did behind you and look towards the future. I'm sure he would have told work a story, like one of the kids scratched him. Theres got to be a helpline that you can call? Have a look at this

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/12/2006 14:26

Re the counselling wait have you heard of the BACP?.

www.bacp.co.uk is the British Association of Counselling and pyschotherapy website. This organisation is very good and there is a section on there called Find a Therapist.

Original poster
ashamedofmyself · 18/12/2006 14:58

I know now that he didn't go to work today. I've just been shopping and saw his car parked outside his Mum's house. I think that means he's gone to the pub, and I don't blame him at all under the circumstances.
I'm hoping he just needs some space today and when (if?) he comes home we can try and talk.
My little ds just toddled in, put his head on my lap and said "I love you mummy". I love them so much, I need to get help for their sakes. I would never hurt them but this will affect them in the long run if I don't get it sorted soon.

OP posts:
DetentionGrrrl · 18/12/2006 15:20

I can relate to what you've done in a way. About 2 years ago, a lecture i was having in Uni sparked some memories of an horrible experience i had in my teens. I went out and got drunk, and suddenly flipped when we got home. I didn't hit my DP, but i smashed our bedroom to bits- threw furniture, smashed mirrors. My poor DP didn't know what the hell was wrong, and apparently i said some awful things too, which i don't remember. To top it off, i cut myself with the broken glass in a drunken heap.

The next morning DP said if i ever did that again, we were finished. I hated myself, and had nobody to talk to, because DP was the only one who knew about my experience as a teenager. I rang Samaritans in the end, and then i went to see a BACP registered counsellor to sort my head out. It was the best thing i could have done- the morning after i had flipped, i thought my relationship was over. Now it's 10 times stronger, and so am i. Let him have a breather, apologise and show you're taking some action. It will get better, and you'll stop feeling so rotten

steveandlibby · 18/12/2006 15:39

can i just say that i feel sorry for what happened but why is everyone being so nice to her so many times i have read a thread like this but it was a bloke that lashed out
every one jumped at the chance to say leave him

i think you have done wrong but you are trying to sort it out
but i would also suggest that either you talk to him or write your feeling down and give him the letter and grovel to him for the use of your fists
because at the end of the day how would you feel about him if he had belted you

2quokkasandapeartree · 18/12/2006 15:45

I think thats harsh, considering that she knows she needs help and is trying to find it!

Original poster
ashamedofmyself · 18/12/2006 15:47

Steveandlibby you are absolutely right. I feel like I am no better than these men who beat up their wives and I am totally ashamed of myself (hence the name!)
I know that if I posted on here saying he'd scratched / hit me everyone would be telling me to leave him straight away.
I was pleasantly surprised at all the support and helpful advice I got from this post, I was expecting (and deserved) a huge slating.

OP posts:
Original poster
ashamedofmyself · 18/12/2006 15:50

.. and the worst thing of it all is that my dh is no wimp. He's 6 foot built like a brick **house and if a man had treated him that way he'd have knocked him through the wall. It's because he won't hit women that he didn't retaliate and that makes me feel terrible.

OP posts:
kittylettekissingsanta · 18/12/2006 15:55

steve and libby thats exactly what i thought,

when a man punches a woman in the face, and she posts about it, you wouldnt all sympathising with him and his problems, youd be advising her to leave, fast.

thats just an observation of this post,

my opinion is just give him some time alone, let him know how sorry you are make make sure you take positive action, and steps to make sure you do not domestically and physically abuse your husband again,

2quokkasandapeartree · 18/12/2006 15:59

Look if someone said that their dh hit them, but he knew it was wrong and wanted to get help, then I wouldn't say leave him. The point is this - whoever does the hitting, if they know its wrong and want to put it right by getting help and not doing it again, then you should try to work it out.

kittylettekissingsanta · 18/12/2006 16:01

i agree, and shes obviously bvery sorry, and im sure it wont happen again,

i mean we all loose our rag sometimes dont we?

christmastimehardhat · 18/12/2006 16:04

yeah, but anyone notice she seems to be more concerned with him havin scratches on his face, than bein bovvered that shes hurt him?

like shes more bovvered that people'll know shes done it?

kittylettekissingsanta · 18/12/2006 16:10

not really, the fact people can see the scratches will raise some eyebrows, but i think shes truelly sorry and that shes gonna work through it,

i mean she obviously regrets it so the fact that the scratch marks will remain there for a while to remind her, is obviously going to be an issue and a point of upset,

Original poster
ashamedofmyself · 18/12/2006 16:13

Of course I'm upset that I hurt him, I'm devastated. I looked at him this morning at what I've done to him and I felt physically sick. I love him so much I can't believe I was capable of doing that to him.
I have absolutely frightened myself with what I am capable of and I will get help.

OP posts:
2quokkasandapeartree · 18/12/2006 16:18

ashamedofmyself I hope you get help and it all works out for you. Only you know the whole story, but you know what you did is wrong, and you want to make it better - which is a step in the right direction.

kittylettekissingsanta · 18/12/2006 16:20

whats a quokkas?

2quokkasandapeartree · 18/12/2006 16:24

It's a small animal found only in Western Australia. It's like a small Wallaby

cece · 18/12/2006 16:30

Live on Rottnest Island I believe

2quokkasandapeartree · 18/12/2006 16:34

cece not very many people know. I'm from Perth, are you an aussie or a visitor? Should really stop hijacking this thread!

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