I've done something terrible..

[ashamedofmyself]

I've changed my name for this as I'm too ashamed to use my usual MN name.
Last night dh and I were having a row, it got quite heated and nasty and I just lost control, I flew at him and scratched him all down one side of his face and his neck. he grabbed my arm and pushed me away and I looked up to see his face covered in blood.
We were both so shocked by what had happened and I was shaking and crying and in a total state. He ended up comforting me, telling me it was Ok and we'd sort things out etc etc.
Eventually we went to bed and I've spent most of the night crying.
This morning, he was really kind about it all and told me I need to get help with my temper which I totally agree with.
Now his phones switched off and I'm terrified I've lost him for good. We've been arguing a lot at the moment and we are going through a bad patch, but its never gone this far.
I honestly don't know what happened to me, looking back its all a blur now, and I hate myself so much. I'm trying to be normal for the dc today, but I can't stop crying.

Yes lets all leap on AOM and give her a pasting too because that'll make it right...

I'm glad you are getting help AOM - give him time and dont expect too much from him right now.

Well he just phoned from his mates phone and I was right, he'd gone off to the pub then back to his friends.
He's coming home about 7 and he said he doesn't want to keep going over and over it any more and he's fed up with the arguing.
He also said that as far as he's concerned we both know what needs to be done and as long as I get some help we'll be fine.
I feel like I've got a second chance and I know I don't deserve it. I know how lucky I am and I'm determined to sort this out.
Thanks so much for helping me get through the day. Without MNet I'd have driven myself mad with worry.

good luck. don't let him (or you) down

Good luck - and brave of you to post that all here, I know some people have been helpful with suggestions but you've had some harsh judgements thrown at you too.

I think you're being harsh enough on yourself about it and should ignore them.

I also think you should steer clear of the booze - I read that it increases testosterone levels in women up to 50% and can account for a lot of aggression / fights and so on.

I hope things work out

What a nightmare. Think the key is how bad you feel. I have problems with anger sometimes, but specifically when OH is deliberately and expertly trying to push buttons. I've been known to throw stuff (not at him, but just to demonstrate anger), and break plates etc. I'm not saying that this is right or good by any means, but ffs it's human isn't it? God, we've all lost our rag haven't we? And by the sounds of things, OP only scratched him, she didn't actually beat him up or keep attacking him. It's a momentary loss of temper which isn't great, but the guilt afterwards is the catalyst to getting it sorted. I need to work out some stategies for managing it when I lose temper with OH, so if you come up with anything AOM I'd be really interested in hearing them, and I don;t suppose for a minute I'm the only one.
Don;t beat yourself up any more! x

2quokkasandapeartree

I visited it many years ago while backpacking but I did go with some locals

It's just asinine to pretend that men hitting women and women hitting men are the same, the causes of male on female DV versus female on male DV are very different, the social context is different, the domestic/ power relationship is different and the consequences are different and it's just not helpful to throw in kneejerk "sauce for the goose" remarks imo. And like 2Quokkas, I wouldn't necessarily tell a woman to leave a man who had hit her once, was horrified by what he'd done and was taking responsibility for his action and real, quantitative measures to ensure it didn't become a habit.

The OP realises she's out of control and is seeking help for it. Good on you, good luck with repairing your relationship and making it stronger.

AOM, the fact that you are so distraught at what you did clearly shows your true nature. DH sees this too, which is a great place to start.

My ex just said that it was my fault I made her angry.

I hope you can use this to make your relationship stronger.

Thanks again for all the support.
Things between us now are good, dh has been so kind and supportive and I am so grateful for the way he's handled this. This has really given me a wake up call which I desperately needed and I have been in touch with a friend of mine who is a counsellor and she is going to help me find a private counsellor who doesn't charge the earth. Obviously she can't help me herself as she is too close, but she has given me a few strategies to use when I feel myself getting wound up and talking to her really helped, although it took a lot of courage to phone her up and tell her what happened.
I still feel terrible about it all and get close to tears when I look at his face (its fading now, they weren't deep scratches thank god) but hopefully we'll be stronger than ever next year.